I can't wait for you to meet
my friend, Joanie. Come join us.
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¤ ¤
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Welcome back. You know
to me my favorite part of
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recovery is when we have that
moment, that Ah-ha moment, when
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you know that you just looked at
something that was huge and you
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are free. You know, I've had it
and I'm praying that some of you
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have had it. But I had a friend
from church, he's close to 70,
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he and his wife called me up
and they said you know we've got
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these issues and can we
come over and just talk. So my
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husband and I said of course.
People do that all the time.
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Some people come for like a week
at a time and just hang out with
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us. Not that we have anything
magic but I've just been through
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recovery and I love that.
So anyhow he comes over and he
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starts working with different
things: Rage; there was a lot of
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stuff with him and his wife over
the years and he could pretty
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much blow up over anything. So
we worked on that. We worked on
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the fact that he's never felt
loved. Then all of a sudden a
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few days into doing this with
him he worked on some molest
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issues which were really intense
and then one day, and we had
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been kind of meeting together
for, I don't know, a week or two
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and he looked at me and he said
can I share something with you.
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And I thought yeah, yeah,
anything. I mean we've talked
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about all kinds of stuff
already acting out growing up,
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alcoholism, from the molest he
ended up with same sex kind of
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stuff at one point. We had to
deal with that. So I'm thinking
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that you can share anything. And
he started just sobbing, sobbing
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and you just stand back and you
let somebody go through that.
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So he's sobbing. The table
top is just soaked with tears, I
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mean a puddle of tears right
by where he's sitting. His wife
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is looking at him. We're just
kind of waiting for him to kind
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of be able to speak again
and he talked about his life.
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Part of his life early on he was
brought over to the U.S. by a
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mother that wanted a better life
for him. They came out of Mexico
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he was a migrant worker. Lived
in little, almost, shacks. He
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said you know it was never a
house and it was never for any
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length of time and he moved from
place to place as the harvest
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was ready and able to be worked.
He remembers going out and
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working from sunup to sundown
when he was tiny, maybe even
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like, I don't know, five or six
years old; I mean tiny. And he
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cried, he said, that wasn't
the issue though. The issues was
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how people looked at him.
People looked at him like he was
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nothing. He said, you know what,
most of the time even when he
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ended up going to school and
they got him in school but not
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legally, because they were
illegal. They got him in school.
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He said he was never quite
enough. He was the migrant kid
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living in the shack. His mom
would say something like, you
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know what, be careful because
they don't really like you.
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And he just wept and wept and
wept and wept and wept. He was
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the most incredible guy. Such a
great heart. I watched him as he
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wept and knew that at one point
in his life he decided just to
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drink, just to act out, just
to get high, and that took that
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pain away from him. When he
found God, God said to him, You
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are my son and I love you. There
is nothing that you can do that
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is going to push me away or get
me to look at you in that way.
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I have never looked at you in
that way but he ends up when he
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starts acting out, comes out of
that, finds God, falls in love
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with a woman that her whole
family is prejudiced against
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people from Mexico. So he had to
now live that in his life. But
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nobody ever knew that that was
his core issue. Nobody ever knew
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that even as a kid he felt
shamed all the time. Nobody ever
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knew that he just wanted someone
to look at him and say you're
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okay and you belong here. So now
he's married, he's been married
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for years and years and years
and he's being looked at that
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like that in his family,
sometimes even from his wife
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and he's trying to pretend
it doesn't bother him. And it
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bothered him and he wept and
wept and wept. There was a point
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that I believe that God said you
know it's time to just let him
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work through that. You know how
you have to work through that
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of stuff; for one admit it out
loud. This has been what drives
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me, this fear of not being
enough, this fear of nobody
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really wants me here, this fear
of I'm going to be discovered.
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All of that kind of stuff really
drove him. So first of all
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saying that out loud and being
able to surrender that to God
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and then being able to forgive
the people that looked at you
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that way; I forgive you. I can't
change it, I can't do anything
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about it, I can't take
that wound and fix it, but I can
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forgive you and I can surrender
that to God because I can't walk
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with it anymore. It's killing
me. And part of recovery is to
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look at those deeper issues. And
his was never the alcoholism, it
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was never the rage, it was never
any of that kind of stuff, it
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was that deep-seated fear in
his heart that he was not enough
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and that he would never be
accepted by anyone and that
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when he finally forgave people,
when he finally got through all
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that kind of stuff, I watched
for a moment anyway just joy.
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Just joy. And you know what, the
God of heaven knows who I am.
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The God of heaven knows that my
mom did the best she could with
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what we were given. She wanted
a better life for us, all that
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kind of stuff, and I watched him
just start to heal more and more
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and more. So today we're going
to talk about some of that kind
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of stuff; not so much the fact
that when somebody acts out they
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choose anger, rage, pride, drugs
or whatever. We're going to talk
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about that kind of basic fear
that in my heart of hearts I
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don't believe I'm enough. And
in recovery, wow, when you stand
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in front of God and he said that
has never been true, you have
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always been enough for me.
You have always been my child.
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I have always loved you and I am
so sorry for the things that you
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had to go through but I want you
to stand into a different place,
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forgive them and stand up. I'm
going to introduce you to one of
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my closest friends, best friends
She has dealt with a lot of
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things in her life and you know
what at first I didn't relate to
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any of them, but I've known her
now for years and now I relate
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to all of them and I love
her. So come back. I'd like to
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introduce you to her, hear
her story and you're going to be
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blessed.
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