Welcome back. You know I want to
take you to Mark 12:29. Jesus is
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talking to somebody and
the person like what's the most
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important thing and out of the
commandments what do I need to
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know and how am I going to
almost like guarantee that I'm
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okay. He knows that the guy
really needs to get a teaching
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but what he says is incredible.
Jesus replied, the most
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important is this. Listen O
Israel love the Lord your God
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with all your heart, with all
your soul, with all your mind
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That's the most important thing.
The next thing is love each
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other. I am getting that more
and more because in my recovery
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there's no way to recover
on your own, there's no way to
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kind of change your life and
get it together when you are on
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your own. Even when you're
just in your family unit I think
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there's something about
connecting with community and
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friends and being able to have
that person that you can just
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call and say anything. That's
really important. I am beginning
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to just feel more and more
blessed by God directing me to
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do that in my life. I want
to introduce to one of my best
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friends. Danni I can't
even believe your here.
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I know, it's incredible isn't
it. It's just so surreal to be
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here. It's fun. You do your own
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program in Australia, In Focus.
Tell us a little bit about that.
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Yeah, In Focus is basically
a news broadcast. So I'm
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essentially the news reader
for that program for the South
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Pacific Division of the Seventh-
day Adventist Church. So it's
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basically a magazine that goes
out around the South Pacific
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Division and it's kind
of a news version of that.
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What's really fun is there
are times that I've been to
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Australia doing ministry and
I've got to hang out and watch
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you on your set. So to have you
here I'm like shut up, this is
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too fun. I know it is. It is too
fun, but I know that also you've
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done a series called Beyond
the Search and that's kind of an
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outreach for people coming into
their relationship with God.
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You do the news thing. You work
at the Media Center in Australia
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but right now what I want
people to know is like who are
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you. 'Cause I think your journey
with God has been intense but
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man your healing has been a
blessing to watch. So I want you
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to start as far back as
you need to start and let us
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know about you. How did you
get to where you are at now?
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Yeah. I'm just going to
say first that I think God is
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incredible. All
right I like that.
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And when I look back on my life,
particularly growing up in a
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home where you know Christianity
wasn't even on the table I just
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look back now but I still see
God's fingerprints all over it.
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So basically my mom and dad had
me. By the time I was two they'd
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divorced. So I went to live with
my mom at my grandparents' place
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I would see my dad on access
visits like weekends and that
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kind of stuff. But I had that
much love from my grandma that
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I don't remembering feeling
it at that point. I felt loved.
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Everybody kind of gathered in.
At least your grandmother did
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and said I'm just probably going
to give her what she needs.
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Yes exactly. And I think too at
that point that my grandmother
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had grown up in a Methodist
family and so her dad and two
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of her grandparents were
actually Methodist ministers.
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So she grew up keeping Sunday
in a really godly way and she
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all of those moral values
and although she let go of her
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faith and there was no Christian
upbringing even for my mom, the
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moral stuff was there like
you don't have sex before you're
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married, you don't
swear. A very godly lady.
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But she wanted to put a loving
home together and all that kind
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of stuff. Yes.
Yeah. And so that was
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really, really cool. By the time
I was 4 both my mom and my dad
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had remarried and my stepfather
was an ambulance officer so we
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moved like three hours away.
That was kind of interesting
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moving away from my grandma.
She just loves kids, she's just
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so cool. I remember her feeling
really safe; as a baby lying
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down and she would just stroke
my forehead and sing Jesus Loves
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Me or Brahms Lullaby. She would
sing me to sleep at night and so
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that was a weird thing to step
away from. My dad was like five
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hours away so I would see
him maybe once every couple of
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months if that. But he really
wasn't connected. Like I don't
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really remember talking to him
on the phone. I don't think he
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paid maintenance,
that kind of stuff.
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So what a huge
change at that time.
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So I saw mom about four and you
know your childhood, that's sort
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of where memories sort of start
to be able to be remembered when
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you're older. So it was quite
a significant time. And my step
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dad was really nice. He
had a daughter from a previous
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marriage who was a year older
and so we would see her every
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second weekend. We got along
really well. It was quite secure
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like I didn't really feel
the divorce much at that point.
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But then when I was about 6
my mom and my step dad had their
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own child, a little boy, my
brother Josh and I adored him.
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He was just so
cute. And my dad...
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He still is pretty cute.
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He is pretty cute and he's funny
he's the funniest guy. But my
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step mom and my dad a few months
before that had a baby sister.
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And so at that time I remember
one day my dad he came to pick
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me up on an access visit
and something about it felt
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different and I had no reason
to think that anything would be
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different. So he came in a taxi
and we drove to the airport in
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this little country town.
He said, I've got my pilot's
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license and I'm going to
take you in the airplane back to
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Waringo where he lived. How
exciting. I know it, a little
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kid in an airplane,
you're kidding light aircraft.
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So we get on and I'm going,
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Dad go through the
clouds and that was all fun till
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I started throwing up all over
the back seat. But I slept I
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think the rest of the way. We
got there and then he takes me
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to church. And I'm thinking,
okay, this is kind of nice.
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I think I might have been to
Sunday school with some friends
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and I always kind of like that.
So he did that and just before
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we left he sat with me on the
couch and he sat me on his knee
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and he gave me this big
children's Bible, have you seen
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those like Children's Bibles
and beautifully illustrated.
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He started telling me all about
my Father in heaven who loves me
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and there was something really
cool about that. I thought, Oh
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wow. So we had an incredible
time, went back on the plane,
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and we went to say goodbye and
he got back in the taxi and went
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off round the corner and
it still felt strange, it felt
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different. And I remember just
watching as the taxi drove away
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around the corner, like I just
kept watching until he went out
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of sight and I couldn't see
him anymore. And then months and
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months went by and I never
saw him again. He just stopped
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seeing me, he just cut contact.
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You know just by the way
you watched him drive away there
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was something that was telling
you, something's different here
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and I can't figure it out.
But you're acting different.
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Why and what did I do wrong
and all of that kind of stuff.
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It was later on, my mom used
to like listening to the Beatles
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and they have a song The Long
and Winding Road and the words
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of that song even to this day
just take me back to that place.
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The long and winding road that
leads to your door, you left me
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standing here a long, long time
ago. Yeah and it was a weird
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time. Shortly after that,
because of course my brother
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Josh had been born and I'm still
living with mom, my stepfather
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just changed. It almost seemed
like an overnight change and all
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of a sudden he just wanted
his kids and then some pretty
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intense abuse started. I
remember him taking my brother
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and my stepsister away on a
holiday to a farm and I just had
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to stay home with mom. Yeah
there was almost a hatred there.
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He was a perfectionist so like
there would be things Sheri like
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if I was home one minute
late I would be grounded for two
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weeks, no phone calls, no
friends, no television, nothing.
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If I spoke while the news was
on you know I had to sit in the
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kitchen by myself and
eat. There was a time where...
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I can't even imagine 'cause I
just know you as an adult but I
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can imaging as a child, trying
to figure out, what are the
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rules here. Why has it
00:09:07.04\00:09:09.69
changed and then why is dad
not coming any more and all that
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kind of stuff and you as a
little girl trying to figure all
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of that out and why do you
hate me because I don't know.
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And trying to find
your place in all that too.
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Like I don't belong with my dad,
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I don't fit into this
family anymore. My grandma
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adored me and was like a second
mom but she's not around and I'm
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really not her daughter. So I
always had that sense. And even
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birth order. When my stepsister
was at home then I was the
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oldest but when she was home
then I was the middle child, yet
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I was kind of the big sister
because there's seven years
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between and it just was really
confusing. My step dad with his
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personality. Like if we were out
somewhere he was like so nice
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and kind and that, but behind
closed doors he just more and
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more got twisted.
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He would actually rage.
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Oh yeah, he would rage. I
remember him kicking at... our
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dog got inside one night and
I remember him kicking the dog
00:10:04.20\00:10:08.24
and I remember at one point he
asked me to clean my room and I
00:10:08.28\00:10:11.88
was sort of trying to copy my
stepsister and would cheek him.
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Because if she said it there was
nothing. She said, I've got dad
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wrapped around my little finger.
Well I said, Why should I. And I
00:10:18.08\00:10:21.10
rarely cheeked him. And he
just grabbed me by the hair and
00:10:21.14\00:10:23.56
cussed at me and called
the equivalent of a female
00:10:23.59\00:10:26.27
prostitute and slammed my head
into the wall. I remember him
00:10:26.31\00:10:29.76
having an argument with my mom
and he was just screaming in the
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bedroom. I walked in and he had
straddled her over the bed and
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had his hands around like her
collar bone, almost around her
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throat, and his just pushing her
up and down screaming at her.
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I'm like, get off, get off.
I ran next door. A few minutes
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later they came in just acting
like nothing had happened.
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And I was just nodding my head.
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A lot of people just don't
realize the craziness of all of
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that saying now as a kid how do
I deal with that craziness. It's
00:10:59.26\00:11:02.94
nothing makes sense and then
yet everybody acts like the next
00:11:02.98\00:11:06.95
minute that this is normal and
this is how a family relates to
00:11:06.98\00:11:10.93
each other. And you're saying,
Okay, do we eat now, do we sit
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at the table. I
mean, what's the next step?
00:11:14.91\00:11:17.21
Yeah and to know that I could
be good and I would still get in
00:11:17.24\00:11:22.88
trouble. He would even
manufacture things at times so
00:11:22.92\00:11:26.40
You know I remember one time
being in the kitchen with mom,
00:11:26.44\00:11:30.22
I was probably about 10 at this
stage, and I was like you know
00:11:30.25\00:11:34.74
I didn't do what he's telling me
I did wrong and he's raging away
00:11:34.78\00:11:39.01
Why won't you stand up for me.
And she said, I just don't want
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another fight. And so the
message that I get is well
00:11:43.27\00:11:45.75
you're not worth fighting for.
And I sort of thought you love
00:11:45.79\00:11:51.81
Brett, and you love Josh, but
you don't love my dad so you can
00:11:51.85\00:11:57.84
only love half of me.
You're trying to deal with that,
00:11:57.87\00:12:03.02
trying to settle with that. I
wish I would have been there to
00:12:03.05\00:12:06.56
tell you you're worth fighting
for, but I know that nobody was
00:12:06.59\00:12:10.06
there at that point and so
you've literally walked into
00:12:10.10\00:12:14.03
preteens and teens
with all of that junk.
00:12:14.07\00:12:17.45
I did. And I think the other
perspective of that was my mom.
00:12:17.49\00:12:21.65
Why couldn't she fight for me?
Well I didn't understand that at
00:12:21.69\00:12:25.64
the time but she actually had
clinical depression and for part
00:12:25.68\00:12:29.60
of that time actually was
hospitalized. So we're not just
00:12:29.63\00:12:32.85
talking about a low-grade thing.
She was very depressed; couldn't
00:12:32.89\00:12:37.88
feel, couldn't defend herself
let alone me and she was under
00:12:37.91\00:12:41.67
incredible pressure
and emotional abuse.
00:12:41.71\00:12:44.51
And physical abuse. And
the physical stuff wasn't
00:12:44.54\00:12:49.31
like she was never punched in
the face. I mean she was pushed
00:12:49.34\00:12:51.92
against walls, there was a
lot of pushing. It was probably
00:12:51.95\00:12:54.88
more so the emotional stuff
and certainly the physical stuff
00:12:54.92\00:12:59.34
with me. She never knew about
until sort of after the fact.
00:12:59.37\00:13:04.20
He was very sneaky. Like one
day he asked me to go and get
00:13:04.24\00:13:07.80
in the car and said shut the
door. Well I shut the big door
00:13:07.84\00:13:11.65
and locked it, but I didn't
quite click the wire door so he
00:13:11.68\00:13:15.68
went back and checked and
came, Look at this and he would
00:13:15.71\00:13:18.95
literally, he could go on
for half an hour just screaming.
00:13:18.98\00:13:22.23
And he said get in the car and
I turned around to get in the
00:13:22.27\00:13:25.05
and he just ran up behind me
and kicked me up the backside.
00:13:25.08\00:13:29.16
I think I was about a week.
I literally couldn't sit down.
00:13:29.19\00:13:32.71
Or he go to smack me with
the belt, he would like torment
00:13:32.74\00:13:36.38
and like fold the belt in half
and push it together and then
00:13:36.42\00:13:41.47
clap it, snap it so you know
what's coming. I couldn't say he
00:13:41.51\00:13:46.04
bashed us but there's that stuff
But mom being in that depression
00:13:46.08\00:13:50.58
would just disassociate and
sit there and watch Days of Our
00:13:50.61\00:13:53.70
Lives and all those
shows and just would tune out.
00:13:53.73\00:13:57.78
How come when somebody
disassociates to survive.
00:13:57.82\00:14:01.80
Because they could really not
even see anything around them.
00:14:01.84\00:14:06.51
I'm escaping, I'm going
some where else in my head.
00:14:06.54\00:14:10.02
Exactly. You know they really
do go into their own world. You
00:14:10.05\00:14:13.57
know you've heard the term,
off in lala land. You know that
00:14:13.60\00:14:17.44
really does happen and it's
incredible you can be right in
00:14:17.47\00:14:21.21
someone's face and speaking
to them and they don't even hear
00:14:21.24\00:14:24.95
it. With that comes
emotional shut down.
00:14:24.98\00:14:28.17
Because she survived that in
that way. So now you know that
00:14:28.20\00:14:32.37
I can't even reach her anymore
because she's gone. And so I'm
00:14:32.40\00:14:36.14
standing here trying to figure
out how to survive in this with
00:14:36.18\00:14:39.88
all this rage and my mom
disappeared even though she's
00:14:39.92\00:14:43.12
still in the room. And
as a kid I didn't know about
00:14:43.15\00:14:46.28
depression and any of that stuff
I just think I'm dying here and
00:14:46.31\00:14:50.55
you don't love me and my dad
doesn't love me and my stepdad
00:14:50.58\00:14:56.41
hates me. How do I survive? What
do I do? So I learned pretty
00:14:56.44\00:15:01.05
quick to be able to disassociate
myself, to be able to, as much
00:15:01.09\00:15:05.40
as I craved that love, to be
able to just shut off. Because
00:15:05.43\00:15:08.95
you have someone raging at you
for a half an hour it's really
00:15:08.98\00:15:13.19
easy just to eventually learn
I cannot let you do this to me.
00:15:13.23\00:15:17.19
But I cannot fight because I get
into more trouble so I just go
00:15:17.22\00:15:21.28
inside myself, to shut my heart
off. So that's what I did and
00:15:21.32\00:15:25.34
that's how I survived.
Especially after that hitting
00:15:25.37\00:15:28.48
the wall incident I knew, do not
upset him. At all cost, do not
00:15:28.51\00:15:32.95
upset him. When I
say eggshells, you're
00:15:32.98\00:15:38.76
walking in a mine field so
at any moment you could trigger
00:15:38.80\00:15:43.61
something and there's going
to be this explosion in the room
00:15:43.65\00:15:48.43
almost. Exactly.
The hard thing was like
00:15:48.47\00:15:51.02
when my stepsister was around
or if we were out in public he
00:15:51.05\00:15:56.19
was so nice and so good. You
know you'd think, oh maybe he
00:15:56.23\00:16:01.30
likes me and then it would just
be bang again, because kids are
00:16:01.33\00:16:08.54
so trusting. But eventually you
start to do it. And when you're
00:16:08.58\00:16:15.76
constantly told you're not
worth anything and called me
00:16:15.79\00:16:17.58
derogatory names you begin to
believe it and your confidence
00:16:17.61\00:16:21.41
suffers and my school work
suffered. To this day even with
00:16:21.44\00:16:25.17
anything to do with math. Like I
can do a budget and work things
00:16:25.20\00:16:30.43
out but there's still
an element panic sometimes.
00:16:30.47\00:16:34.30
When you talk about
math what triggered that?
00:16:34.34\00:16:37.51
What happened? There'd
be homework. I remember
00:16:37.55\00:16:40.65
it started with when I sat down
to do homework one night and I
00:16:40.69\00:16:43.86
was struggling with a math
problem and I had my books there
00:16:43.89\00:16:46.88
and he's trying to explain
it and I just didn't get it and
00:16:46.91\00:16:49.83
part of that was because of the
anxiety of his behavior. You're
00:16:49.87\00:16:54.42
stupid, you're going to fail
this year, you're never going to
00:16:54.45\00:16:58.97
amount to anything.
00:16:59.00\00:17:00.37
So your anxiety starts going up.
I want to do it right, I want to
00:17:00.40\00:17:05.12
figure it out. The yelling gets
more and I can't. But you know
00:17:05.15\00:17:09.87
to me that even as you're saying
this then you walk everywhere
00:17:09.91\00:17:14.59
and say, I can't, when the
reality is that's not true but
00:17:14.62\00:17:18.68
that's what you took on growing
up; I can't do any of this, I
00:17:18.71\00:17:22.74
can't do anything. And
you take it on and carry it
00:17:22.77\00:17:24.80
with you. I'm not
good, I'm not enough.
00:17:24.83\00:17:28.89
Very internalized stuff.
00:17:28.92\00:17:30.29
So it showed up at school,
it showed up in definitely math.
00:17:30.32\00:17:34.80
Oh yeah. School's an interesting
one because I was never popular
00:17:34.84\00:17:38.82
at school. I would have friends
but just sort of small groups
00:17:38.86\00:17:43.05
and I would change. The bullying
and rejection sort of stuff went
00:17:43.09\00:17:48.34
on in that way too. So there was
all of that going on. I never
00:17:48.37\00:17:53.59
really got a break. If I
had friends home and he raged in
00:17:53.62\00:17:56.39
front of them they'd be too
scared to come back sometimes.
00:17:56.43\00:17:59.17
So I'd even lose
friends that way.
00:17:59.20\00:18:00.79
For some people that have been
raised in those environments is
00:18:00.83\00:18:04.92
that a lot of times you
don't want to bring someone over
00:18:04.95\00:18:07.72
because you know that the
possibility of the rage is going
00:18:07.76\00:18:10.31
to happen. It's just when it's
going to happen. So you stop
00:18:10.34\00:18:12.82
bringing people. And you do walk
in fear. You walk in that shame
00:18:12.86\00:18:18.03
and insecurity and all that kind
of stuff and I wanted to shout
00:18:18.06\00:18:23.16
out, like I want to should out
and just say, man it's huge for
00:18:23.20\00:18:27.13
a little kid to all of a sudden
say this is how I'm going to see
00:18:27.16\00:18:31.06
the world, through
what's happening in my home.
00:18:31.09\00:18:34.26
Yeah, exactly right. It reminds
me a little bit of Ally McBeal
00:18:34.30\00:18:39.95
because that's a
child I remember being
00:18:39.98\00:18:42.98
kind of like that.
In that show she would
00:18:43.02\00:18:45.96
she would be imagining, like
someone hurt her or annoyed her
00:18:45.99\00:18:49.06
and she'd have this vision
of punching them in the face or
00:18:49.10\00:18:52.56
screaming or whatever and then
it would go back to reality and
00:18:52.59\00:18:56.37
as a kid that's how I felt. He'd
be going off his tree and I'd
00:18:56.40\00:18:59.60
inside be defending myself
or whatever, but the reality was
00:18:59.63\00:19:02.80
I just have to
actually take that.
00:19:02.83\00:19:05.87
When you talk about
disassociation, that's in
00:19:05.91\00:19:08.32
disassociation I could go
somewhere else and literally
00:19:08.36\00:19:11.54
just be punching you in the face
yelling back, talking about this
00:19:11.58\00:19:15.48
is not fair but outside
you're just standing there.
00:19:15.51\00:19:18.15
Yeah exactly. I grew up wanting
to be an actress and I'd get
00:19:18.19\00:19:21.90
into the Wizard of Oz and these
shows. I think, looking back on
00:19:21.94\00:19:25.62
that it's probably that thing,
why I was good at creative
00:19:25.65\00:19:28.94
writing and I was good at all
that kind of stuff because it
00:19:28.97\00:19:31.92
was an escape. Do you know what
I mean? You can put yourself in
00:19:31.96\00:19:34.77
a place where you're feeling
loved. My grandma remembers me
00:19:34.81\00:19:37.72
sitting in a hallway one day
with my teddies all around me
00:19:37.75\00:19:40.63
like a barricade. So
that they could protect you?
00:19:40.66\00:19:45.95
Yeah. Even as a teenager I
liked to sit with a teddy bear.
00:19:45.99\00:19:49.49
And even now if I'm away and my
husband's not there I'll put the
00:19:49.53\00:19:52.70
pillows up against me. I'm
a real hugger. Just that's me.
00:19:52.73\00:19:58.07
So going in to school, not
finding that kind of refuge even
00:19:58.11\00:20:02.87
in school, like you said, I'm
not popular. I walked into the
00:20:02.90\00:20:07.70
classroom with all this kind of
junk and say to myself all that
00:20:07.74\00:20:12.61
kind of stuff. At what point did
you finally just... Because I
00:20:12.64\00:20:16.28
know there's a point in most of
our lives where we just finally
00:20:16.31\00:20:20.24
say that's enough, I'm done. And
what I did is just give me some
00:20:20.28\00:20:24.18
drugs. I need something
to survive. Did you have that
00:20:24.21\00:20:27.34
moment where you
just said enough.
00:20:27.37\00:20:28.99
Yeah, I think I did and it was
probably a good moment and a bad
00:20:29.03\00:20:33.47
moment. My mom and my stepdad
split up and that was just a
00:20:33.50\00:20:38.74
confusing but incredible time
because all of a sudden he's
00:20:38.77\00:20:44.06
moved out of the house and I
can actually come home and, wow,
00:20:44.10\00:20:48.87
I could just breath and it's
safe and you know my mom's still
00:20:48.90\00:20:52.65
off her face like in front
of the tele and all that kind of
00:20:52.69\00:20:56.71
stuff. I'm not present. But at
least I didn't have the intense
00:20:56.75\00:21:00.19
stuff going on and I could
just virtually do what I wanted
00:21:00.23\00:21:03.60
in that sense. And it was then
that I started to really I guess
00:21:03.64\00:21:09.10
see how bad the situation had
been. You know when you step out
00:21:09.13\00:21:14.56
of an unhealthy situation.
I thought wow and I started to
00:21:14.59\00:21:19.48
kind of, just having that
breathing space, relax, I guess.
00:21:19.51\00:21:23.82
So one day I came home with a
piece of creative writing that
00:21:23.86\00:21:27.66
I'd done and I based it on
Hannibal Lecter and I hope all
00:21:27.70\00:21:31.62
of you here have not
seen Silence of the Lambs,
00:21:31.65\00:21:34.26
but you know that where I
00:21:34.30\00:21:35.67
grew up in and so this is a guy
that used to eat people and he
00:21:35.70\00:21:37.98
was locked up and
you know terrible...
00:21:38.02\00:21:39.89
Just to bring that up. There
are a lot of people from abusive
00:21:39.92\00:21:44.08
relationships who get into some
dark writing because it's an
00:21:44.12\00:21:49.35
escape. So you were a typical
kid that has been abused and
00:21:49.38\00:21:54.58
your writing was
dark but it was good.
00:21:54.62\00:21:57.01
Yeah it was good and I didn't
feel twisted writing it in the
00:21:57.04\00:22:00.19
sense of, do you know what I
mean, it's not like I wanted to
00:22:00.22\00:22:03.71
kill people and go out and
eat them. But I was just being
00:22:03.74\00:22:07.16
creative with what can I do with
this character. So I had written
00:22:07.19\00:22:10.31
this stuff and I showed my
Mom and she read it and she said
00:22:10.34\00:22:14.19
Did you write this? And I said,
Yeah. Why? And she said are you
00:22:14.22\00:22:17.28
sure you wrote, you didn't copy
it? And I said, No, why would I
00:22:17.32\00:22:20.81
do that? It's for English. And
she said, That is so good. She
00:22:20.85\00:22:24.04
said, That's like something
you'd read in a novel. I thought
00:22:24.07\00:22:27.23
wow she's proud of me. I
felt that's just incredible.
00:22:27.26\00:22:31.36
Well about 15 minutes later
my stepdad walked in because he
00:22:31.39\00:22:35.72
wanted to see my brother and all
that. My mom goes, Oh look what
00:22:35.75\00:22:39.82
Danni wrote for English. And so
he starts reading it; she can't
00:22:39.86\00:22:43.58
cuss, cuss, cuss hand that in.
They'll think she's a nut case.
00:22:43.61\00:22:47.30
And he's going off his
tree. Well 14 years of abuse and
00:22:47.33\00:22:53.68
rage just... I don't
think I've ever been so angry.
00:22:53.71\00:22:57.43
I'd just had it.
00:22:57.46\00:23:00.99
I just had got to that crunch
point and I turned to him and I
00:23:01.02\00:23:03.62
said, You don't even live here,
you're not my father so why
00:23:03.65\00:23:07.86
don't you just... and cussed him
out. I often say to people when
00:23:07.90\00:23:11.37
I tell this story,
What do you think he did?
00:23:11.41\00:23:13.13
Because you would think he
would just beat you, you would
00:23:13.17\00:23:17.06
would have just been beaten.
00:23:17.10\00:23:18.47
Or go off his tree and all
of that. But he didn't. He said
00:23:18.50\00:23:20.06
nothing and he just turned
around and walked out and my mom
00:23:20.10\00:23:23.23
was like standing with her jaw
dropped as if to say, What did
00:23:23.26\00:23:26.93
you just do, but good on you.
I should be telling you off but
00:23:26.97\00:23:30.16
I'm just not because he deserved
it and that kind of thing.
00:23:30.20\00:23:34.49
I remember at that moment it was
so defining and, I beg you do
00:23:34.52\00:23:39.80
not make vows like this but I
vowed I would never let anybody
00:23:39.84\00:23:44.57
make me feel like that again.
Nobody will ever hurt me again.
00:23:44.61\00:23:49.82
So I didn't care if it was
my mom or the teacher at school
00:23:49.85\00:23:54.45
or another kid. You tried to
put me down or speak to me badly
00:23:54.48\00:23:59.04
and I would just cuss you
out. That's my weapon now.
00:23:59.08\00:24:03.07
You know what I mean? That's
how I know to protect myself and
00:24:03.10\00:24:05.96
actually be able to say
stuff out loud that I...
00:24:05.99\00:24:09.11
Finally you had
a sense of power.
00:24:09.15\00:24:12.11
Yeah, in a real way. It was like
the pendulum completely swung
00:24:12.15\00:24:17.25
the other way. So going through
all of that and coming to that
00:24:17.28\00:24:21.87
point was really interesting in
my teenage years; like I say at
00:24:21.91\00:24:26.46
14 I went feral because I
really did go feral. And you
00:24:26.49\00:24:29.38
know the hormonal stuff is
going on too at that point in
00:24:29.41\00:24:32.59
time. You know you're trying
to find out who you are. I mean
00:24:32.63\00:24:37.38
that's hard enough I guess in
a healthy home let along in that
00:24:37.41\00:24:42.12
kind of situation. So I started
then to be interested in boys
00:24:42.16\00:24:46.19
and that kind of thing. I was
not promiscuous in the sense of
00:24:46.23\00:24:50.22
going all the way and that kind
of thing but I certainly wasn't
00:24:50.25\00:24:54.21
innocent. Do you know what
I mean? I played around and I
00:24:54.24\00:24:57.10
couldn't tell you how many guys
I've kissed. You remember that
00:24:57.13\00:25:03.40
kind of thing. And
that's where it's really
00:25:03.43\00:25:05.26
tough because we do want to
judge each other really harshly
00:25:05.29\00:25:10.47
sometime when you look at a kid
that's out of control. I always
00:25:10.50\00:25:16.08
know that there's something that
drives that child. So you were
00:25:16.11\00:25:21.65
really driven to be
accepted, to be loved, to fit in
00:25:21.69\00:25:24.89
somewhere, to have someone
say I adore you and you know you
00:25:24.92\00:25:29.41
were driven to do that so all
of that acting out totally makes
00:25:29.44\00:25:33.89
sense, but at that point I
imagine you're getting judged
00:25:33.93\00:25:37.46
not only by yourself
but by people around you.
00:25:37.49\00:25:40.08
Oh yeah. Exactly right. You
know that message that get when
00:25:40.11\00:25:44.45
relationships end and all that
kind of stuff is... I always got
00:25:44.49\00:25:50.10
the message, it was more that
I'm not worth loving because no
00:25:50.13\00:25:54.30
one stuck around. Do you know
what I mean? It's not that I
00:25:54.34\00:25:59.12
couldn't be loved but no one
stayed; everybody ran and that
00:25:59.16\00:26:03.36
went on for ages. So I got
to a point when I was 16 that I
00:26:03.39\00:26:07.06
decided well I want to meet
my dad. I want to find my dad.
00:26:07.09\00:26:10.31
I want to know where he is.
I want some answers. I want to
00:26:10.35\00:26:13.53
know who I am because
I only know half of me.
00:26:13.57\00:26:16.10
Why did you not come back?
00:26:16.13\00:26:18.31
Yeah, why didn't you come back.
And I don't know if I should say
00:26:18.34\00:26:22.87
a lot of people when they've had
that abandonment stuff they have
00:26:22.91\00:26:27.04
that grandiose stuff about...
Oh you know my dad's a knight in
00:26:27.08\00:26:30.82
shining armor and he didn't
really not love me and all that
00:26:30.86\00:26:35.08
kind of stuff. So that
meeting happened and I found out
00:26:35.11\00:26:38.90
that he's still married to
my stepmom who I adored. She was
00:26:38.94\00:26:42.16
funny. She could take off Donald
Duck like you wouldn't believe
00:26:42.19\00:26:46.16
She was just fun. But they had
three girls and a boy, so I had
00:26:46.20\00:26:50.00
another four siblings that I
never knew about and I'm by this
00:26:50.03\00:26:54.07
time 16. So when I met them my
youngest sister was only four.
00:26:54.10\00:26:59.34
So the bonding wasn't there and
it was more like being cousins
00:26:59.38\00:27:04.58
or an aunt or something like
that. At first it was really
00:27:04.61\00:27:08.74
cool because my dad is one
of seven, so I've got 21 cousins
00:27:08.78\00:27:12.13
So this was something that I
never knew so getting to know
00:27:12.17\00:27:15.49
them was all cool.
00:27:15.52\00:27:16.89
Finally I'm going to belong
somewhere. I'm going to fit in,
00:27:16.92\00:27:19.98
this is going to be okay.
It is actually like one of the
00:27:20.02\00:27:22.75
movies that I escape into
and it's going to have a happy
00:27:22.79\00:27:25.71
ending. Yeah exactly. That's
why I think when you talk about
00:27:25.74\00:27:29.70
disassociating into movies that
I'm looking for the happy ending
00:27:29.73\00:27:33.65
Yeah exactly. And remember
my last memory of my dad was him
00:27:33.69\00:27:37.06
sitting me on his knee and
talking about God and giving me
00:27:37.10\00:27:41.93
a Bible. That was an interesting
thing because I remember when
00:27:41.96\00:27:47.50
I was about six sitting on the
toilet one day and mom just came
00:27:47.53\00:27:51.50
in and we were talking and I
said, I know Santa is not real.
00:27:51.54\00:27:55.44
She said, Don't say that, you
won't get a present. And I said
00:27:55.48\00:27:58.73
No I know he's not real. I mean
Sarah at school told me. And she
00:27:58.77\00:28:02.05
said, Well I guess you're old
enough to know that Santa's not
00:28:02.08\00:28:05.65
real. I just bawled my head
off, and I said, What about the
00:28:05.68\00:28:08.97
Easter bunny, what about the
tooth fairy. And she said, No
00:28:09.00\00:28:12.88
not real, not real. What about
God? And she said, Well I don't
00:28:12.91\00:28:16.76
believe in God but you have to
make your own mind up about that
00:28:16.79\00:28:21.01
one. And it was the first time
in my life I remember thinking
00:28:21.04\00:28:25.22
You know you are
actually wrong about something.
00:28:25.26\00:28:29.36
Because you said, You know
I know because Dad told me.
00:28:29.40\00:28:32.17
Yeah, and I think it was more
that that. There's that innate
00:28:32.21\00:28:36.51
knowing. I think it was God
speaking to my heart that you
00:28:36.54\00:28:41.43
know I am real and that's
not true. It wasn't an audible
00:28:41.47\00:28:46.17
voice but that was definitely
the message I got. So God was
00:28:46.21\00:28:50.28
something that was real to me
but I didn't know how to have a
00:28:50.31\00:28:53.96
relationship. So when I got back
with meeting with my dad and my
00:28:54.00\00:28:57.21
cousins and my brothers and
sisters you know I was expecting
00:28:57.25\00:29:00.55
all of that and for a while that
was really good because it was
00:29:00.58\00:29:03.78
the flavor of the month kind
of thing, here's Danni and blah,
00:29:03.81\00:29:07.31
blah, blah. But pretty soon that
started falling apart and my dad
00:29:07.34\00:29:11.92
no longer went to church. He's
not I guess a Christian in the
00:29:11.96\00:29:16.39
sense of that. He has how own
personal beliefs. But I started
00:29:16.43\00:29:19.87
seeing the cracks in the other
stuff like he's an alcoholic,
00:29:19.91\00:29:23.32
he's a workaholic and my
brothers and sisters had that
00:29:23.36\00:29:26.75
same issue of he doesn't
connect, he doesn't know how to
00:29:26.79\00:29:30.15
connect. So you
just started seeing all
00:29:30.19\00:29:32.45
of that and now where do
I fit in with all of this.
00:29:32.49\00:29:35.17
Exactly and again I don't fit
into my family. I'm always the
00:29:35.21\00:29:39.36
black sheep of the family. I
don't fit in anywhere. And I'm
00:29:39.39\00:29:43.82
like where is my place in
the world? So I went through all
00:29:43.86\00:29:47.23
finished school a couple years
late. I moved back to Geelong
00:29:47.27\00:29:50.28
because I wanted to be with
my family because I was still
00:29:50.32\00:29:53.59
kind of getting to know them.
I met a really cute guy at a
00:29:53.63\00:29:58.37
barbecue just as I was finishing
up my last year of school.
00:29:58.40\00:30:03.11
So after I moved down I
connected with my cousin and
00:30:03.15\00:30:06.27
she used to play badminton. So
I started playing and would hang
00:30:06.30\00:30:09.19
out with them and found like a
new crew. It was kind of good to
00:30:09.22\00:30:11.80
have a fresh start. No
one really knows me here.
00:30:11.84\00:30:14.47
Exactly. I can start over.
00:30:14.50\00:30:16.60
Yeah, but I was still trying
to fit in so they would go out
00:30:16.63\00:30:18.81
drinking and all of that. Just
I guess backing up just a couple
00:30:18.84\00:30:23.48
years because this is an
important detail and I forgot
00:30:23.52\00:30:25.72
it. When I was going through
all that stuff at school too a
00:30:25.76\00:30:30.31
Baptist teacher that I had
invited me to church because she
00:30:30.34\00:30:34.86
just saw the stuff I was
writing in my journal and had
00:30:34.89\00:30:37.57
disengaged. She sort of took me
under her wing and I joined in
00:30:37.61\00:30:40.42
with the youth a little bit and
I actually started going there
00:30:40.46\00:30:43.77
every Sunday. I would long
for the week to go through so I
00:30:43.80\00:30:47.14
could go because I felt good and
that's one place where I knew
00:30:47.18\00:30:50.49
if the rest of the world
hated me at least God loves me.
00:30:50.52\00:30:55.02
That was an incredible place
to be in and an incredible thing
00:30:55.06\00:30:59.33
to feel. But of course I'd
go home and I'd muck up and mom
00:30:59.37\00:31:03.17
would go well you're not a
very good Christian. I was even
00:31:03.21\00:31:06.94
actually baptized at that point
but I had no... I mean my social
00:31:06.98\00:31:11.42
skills were pretty bad I always
had mixed messaged. So I didn't
00:31:11.46\00:31:15.94
really know how to do any of
that stuff. Particularly leading
00:31:15.98\00:31:20.43
a Christian life, I didn't know
anything and I mean nothing.
00:31:20.46\00:31:24.42
I knew there was a God, Jesus
came to die for my sins, he died
00:31:24.46\00:31:28.39
on the cross and one
day we'd go to heaven.
00:31:28.42\00:31:31.55
And I felt good in the building.
Yeah, I felt good in the
00:31:31.58\00:31:33.71
building and that was about it.
So when I moved to Geelong and
00:31:33.74\00:31:37.67
I no longer went to church but
I fitted in with this group, I
00:31:37.71\00:31:41.26
just went with the crowd.
So we'd be clubbing, drinking.
00:31:41.29\00:31:44.33
I started going out with my
husband. Now I'm 18, he's seven
00:31:44.36\00:31:47.37
years older. We, of course,
started sleeping together.
00:31:47.40\00:31:54.38
We bought a house and eventually
we got married. So it's a bit
00:31:54.42\00:31:57.76
backward but we kind of
were in that place. When we were
00:31:57.79\00:32:01.84
about four months out from
getting married, God really
00:32:01.88\00:32:05.86
spoke to my heart strongly and
he said you know you are doing
00:32:05.90\00:32:09.89
the wrong thing. I'm like oh I
can't do this. And he said, you
00:32:09.92\00:32:13.54
know you shouldn't be sleeping
with Mark. I know you've bought
00:32:13.57\00:32:17.16
a house and you're getting
married but you shouldn't be
00:32:17.19\00:32:20.20
doing that. So I went to Mark.
I mean, what do you do like?
00:32:20.24\00:32:23.22
Because he's not on the
same spiritual journey as you.
00:32:23.25\00:32:27.08
Oh no. But if you said to him...
He'd say, Oh yeah I believe in
00:32:27.12\00:32:30.06
God, but it's a belief and
that's it. When you're talking
00:32:30.09\00:32:33.48
about generational damage and
all that stuff I mean he's at
00:32:33.51\00:32:36.83
that stage. Just before that he
was pretty much a binge drinking
00:32:36.87\00:32:42.50
alcoholic if you want to
look at it in the correct term.
00:32:42.53\00:32:44.76
Like Thursday to Sunday he would
just get smashed, I remember,
00:32:44.80\00:32:48.35
and he would get verbally
abusive. Isn't it interesting.
00:32:48.38\00:32:52.96
We marry our
parents. We marry our dads.
00:32:52.99\00:32:54.36
We do. Underneath that I saw
he just has a gentle spirit and
00:32:54.39\00:32:59.10
I loved the potential and
the things that I saw in him.
00:32:59.13\00:33:03.46
But when he had alcohol,
different person. I remember he
00:33:03.49\00:33:07.22
would come home and he would
throw up and I'd be undressing
00:33:07.25\00:33:10.91
him, clean him up and get him to
bed. This one night he came home
00:33:10.95\00:33:14.32
and I'd just had enough and he
said some pretty horrible stuff.
00:33:14.36\00:33:17.70
He walked down, we had steps
down into our toilet, and he
00:33:17.73\00:33:20.08
went in there because he was
feeling sick and he fell down
00:33:20.12\00:33:22.33
the stairs, broke the lid
off the toilet seat and threw up
00:33:22.37\00:33:24.97
everywhere. There was just a
part of me that said, You know
00:33:25.01\00:33:28.27
what, I'm not doing this any
more, I'm not doing this again.
00:33:28.30\00:33:31.50
And I left him there and I
went to bed. He woke up in the
00:33:31.53\00:33:35.60
morning, oh what happened. I
said, Well you came in drunk and
00:33:35.63\00:33:39.11
you were swearing at me and I
was scared; and there were times
00:33:39.14\00:33:41.93
where I actually got in the
car and snuck out of the house
00:33:41.96\00:33:44.70
and left because I was afraid
of what might happen. He never
00:33:44.74\00:33:47.56
bashed me but I think the
potential was definitely there
00:33:47.59\00:33:50.34
for it to go that step further
because he was out of his mind.
00:33:50.38\00:33:53.28
I said, You know what, I can't
do this anymore. I said you have
00:33:53.31\00:33:57.39
a problem and if you're going
to drink either you go and stay
00:33:57.42\00:34:01.43
somewhere else or
tell me and I will,
00:34:01.47\00:34:03.39
but I'm not doing that again.
00:34:03.42\00:34:05.80
I said, I don't have an issue
with you drinking but not if
00:34:05.83\00:34:07.28
you're going to take it to that
level. And over those few months
00:34:07.32\00:34:10.95
he sort of started to see
his issues and really cut back,
00:34:10.98\00:34:14.84
wouldn't drink certain things
and wouldn't get drunk. So four
00:34:14.87\00:34:18.70
months out God said all
this stuff about not doing...
00:34:18.73\00:34:22.26
I think it's interesting to me
that even in the midst of all of
00:34:22.30\00:34:26.21
this is that God still is
directing us, speaking to us
00:34:26.24\00:34:29.98
drawing us, all of those kinds
of things. Because you would
00:34:30.02\00:34:33.17
think he would wait until
we actually are behaving some.
00:34:33.21\00:34:36.29
Yeah, but he doesn't. He'll do
whatever it takes to reach his
00:34:36.33\00:34:40.20
kids. I don't know what it was
at that point that even made me
00:34:40.23\00:34:43.89
sit up and listen. This was
going on for months. It was like
00:34:43.92\00:34:48.20
he was just relentless. But he
just picked that time, he loves
00:34:48.23\00:34:51.80
us that much, he just picks that
time and he picked that time and
00:34:51.83\00:34:55.37
he spoke to my heart and I went
to Mark and I said, You know
00:34:55.40\00:34:57.87
I believe in God and I know this
is a bad time to pull this but I
00:34:57.91\00:35:02.19
can't sleep with you anymore.
We were about to get married
00:35:02.22\00:35:06.54
in four months, but you know
I just can't. The other miracle
00:35:06.57\00:35:10.41
was, I really believe God
was speaking to his heart even
00:35:10.45\00:35:13.80
though he didn't know it at
the time, he just said, You know
00:35:13.84\00:35:17.36
what, that's fine. He completely
honored that. So we didn't.
00:35:17.40\00:35:21.27
We got married and for the first
time in my life I thought now
00:35:21.31\00:35:26.23
I have a family; it's him and
I. Our first wedding anniversary
00:35:26.27\00:35:30.38
I took a pregnancy test and we
found out that I was pregnant.
00:35:30.42\00:35:35.50
So it's an exciting time and I'm
like I'm going to have this baby
00:35:35.53\00:35:40.58
At that time where are you
spiritually. Are you making
00:35:40.61\00:35:44.35
commitments, going to
church, just where are you at?
00:35:44.38\00:35:48.72
It was an interesting time
because I said to Mark when I
00:35:48.75\00:35:53.06
found out I was pregnant,
you know we need to start
00:35:53.09\00:35:55.42
looking for a church and start
going back to church. But the
00:35:55.46\00:35:58.64
other half of that is he's still
drinking a little bit, I'm kind
00:35:58.68\00:36:01.83
of over all that, but I was
doing acting. So I had an agent
00:36:01.86\00:36:05.66
and I was doing some acting work
and that kind of thing. You know
00:36:05.70\00:36:10.88
that's a very self-focused, not
a good industry I guess for a
00:36:10.91\00:36:17.39
Christian to be in unless God
calls you to it. So it was an
00:36:17.42\00:36:23.22
interesting time. But when I got
to 18 weeks everything changed.
00:36:23.25\00:36:28.70
Because I had some bleeding
he took me off to the hospital
00:36:28.73\00:36:34.15
By this time I'm 18
weeks _ myself all through my
00:36:34.18\00:36:37.28
pregnancy. They put the Doppler
on to find a heartbeat and they
00:36:37.32\00:36:40.60
couldn't. I'm sort of thinking
Oh man. They said, You know
00:36:40.63\00:36:44.60
have you felt movement or any
of that and I said, Yeah like
00:36:44.64\00:36:48.54
easily within the last 48 hours.
You know you get that butterfly
00:36:48.58\00:36:52.23
sort of a fluttery feeling. They
said, Don't worry, sometimes
00:36:52.27\00:36:55.99
they can't pick up heartbeat
this early. So then they pulled
00:36:56.03\00:36:59.47
the ultrasound out and I'd had
an ultrasound at 12 weeks so I
00:36:59.51\00:37:03.23
knew what it was like to see
this little funny looking alien
00:37:03.26\00:37:06.71
thing with its little legs
moving around and little heart
00:37:06.74\00:37:10.96
beating and there was no heart
beat. I could see the baby but
00:37:11.00\00:37:15.42
it was just still. And I knew,
like I'm not stupid, what's
00:37:15.45\00:37:20.27
happened. But it was like that
Huh because I had failed at a
00:37:20.30\00:37:23.99
log of things in my life but I
thought I would never ever fail
00:37:24.03\00:37:27.69
at being a mom.
00:37:27.72\00:37:31.33
I can't imagine what it would
feel like because you had so
00:37:31.37\00:37:38.24
much hope. I bought
stuff. I had restored
00:37:38.27\00:37:42.90
an old fashioned cradle and
you know I was just going to
00:37:42.94\00:37:45.56
love this kid. I'm saying to the
doctor, Tell me, tell me, tell
00:37:45.60\00:37:51.11
me. She just was silent and I'm
like just tell me, I yelled at
00:37:51.15\00:37:55.49
her. She said, I'm sorry your
baby's died. I just felt like
00:37:55.52\00:37:59.67
my whole heart had been ripped
out of my chest. I'm crying and
00:37:59.71\00:38:03.00
They said you know we're going
to have to keep you in overnight
00:38:03.03\00:38:06.29
We're going to have to do
an evacuation. It was really
00:38:06.32\00:38:11.11
bizarre but I knew at that
time if I did not see my baby I
00:38:11.15\00:38:14.98
wouldn't have closure. I don't
know if that sounds bizarre to
00:38:15.01\00:38:18.39
anyone, but that's just how I
was. They kept me in overnight.
00:38:18.42\00:38:21.77
They did another ultrasound
to make sure in the morning.
00:38:21.80\00:38:24.26
I don't know how much more sure
you can be. So that was a bit
00:38:24.30\00:38:28.13
traumatic going through that
again. I said, I really want to
00:38:28.17\00:38:31.58
see my baby and they said you
know we've measured the size of
00:38:31.61\00:38:34.82
your baby and he was only 12
weeks and he'd come out in bits
00:38:34.86\00:38:37.93
and pieces because he's probably
decomposed. I thinking, excuse
00:38:37.97\00:38:41.48
me. I've just lost my baby and
you're telling me this stuff.
00:38:41.52\00:38:45.62
I just couldn't believe it. I
said, I want my baby and I felt
00:38:45.66\00:38:50.08
movement. I know that's not true
I know he's dead, I believe he's
00:38:50.11\00:38:54.32
dead but I don't believe he's
been dead that long. So I fought
00:38:54.36\00:38:58.62
it and I said Okay go
and speak to the registrar.
00:38:58.66\00:39:02.15
I did all that.
Came back and they said
00:39:02.18\00:39:03.95
You've got till 4:30
and then we're scheduling
00:39:03.98\00:39:07.44
the surgery. So the long
and short of it was that I got
00:39:07.48\00:39:14.24
scheduled for surgery, they gave
me some stuff to bring on the
00:39:14.28\00:39:18.77
baby. At 4:30 they came in and
the baby hadn't come and they
00:39:18.80\00:39:22.83
said, Oh we've got an emergency.
We're putting the surgery back
00:39:22.86\00:39:27.43
to 6:30. As they walked in the
door I delivered my little baby
00:39:27.47\00:39:32.15
It was a little boy. His name is
Jackson. He was pink and perfect
00:39:32.18\00:39:36.83
and fully intact. I could see
his little toes were just like
00:39:36.86\00:39:41.93
Mark's. Mark's got this really
long big toe. And his little
00:39:41.97\00:39:46.10
hand would fit just right on the
end of my finger. So I got to
00:39:46.13\00:39:50.23
hold him and take him home.
It was hard and I did go on
00:39:50.26\00:39:55.88
to have some more kids and the
first thing I would check when
00:39:55.92\00:39:59.75
they were born was have they
got Jackson's feet. But that
00:39:59.79\00:40:03.39
next little time was incredibly
tough. I went into a deep
00:40:03.42\00:40:06.95
depression and was having panic
attacks every day. I literally
00:40:06.99\00:40:10.62
couldn't work, couldn't drive.
I would freak out. Freaking out,
00:40:10.66\00:40:13.82
lost a ton of weight, couldn't
eat, felt like I was going to
00:40:13.85\00:40:18.39
choke all the time. But it's in
those times when God's hand just
00:40:18.43\00:40:22.94
reveals himself and I had
nowhere to turn. One day I
00:40:22.97\00:40:25.32
remember having panic attack
after panic attack and I got on
00:40:25.36\00:40:28.72
the couch and I just prayed. And
God was bringing into my mind
00:40:28.76\00:40:32.08
all the bad stuff I'd done just
one after another and I was just
00:40:32.11\00:40:35.50
rebuking it. I didn't even know
how you had to do that. The Holy
00:40:35.53\00:40:38.89
Spirit... Tell
somebody what rebuking it
00:40:38.92\00:40:42.68
means. Oh yeah.
Like you know what, God
00:40:42.72\00:40:46.41
would give me a picture of
my affair with boys or whatever
00:40:46.45\00:40:49.72
that was wrong and so I would
say you know God I'm sorry, take
00:40:49.75\00:40:52.99
that, please take that away,
please forgive me for that.
00:40:53.02\00:40:55.08
So rebuking it is like pushing
it out of your life and giving
00:40:55.12\00:40:59.47
it to God. That was a really
sort of cleansing time. Well by
00:40:59.51\00:41:03.77
the time I got done with that
I looked up at the clock, three
00:41:03.80\00:41:08.03
hours. Three hours of his
cleansing and prayer. Healing
00:41:08.06\00:41:13.27
started to take place but I
got to the point because God had
00:41:13.31\00:41:18.22
been drawing me in love that
whole time that I thought I want
00:41:18.25\00:41:22.98
to know where do you go when
you die? What happens with that?
00:41:23.01\00:41:29.47
Where is God? Where is Jackson?
I never blamed God interestingly
00:41:29.51\00:41:35.94
enough even though
My dreams were taken
00:41:35.97\00:41:37.72
away. I just want to seek his
00:41:37.75\00:41:40.50
face. I just wanted to know
where he was. I had a guy at
00:41:40.54\00:41:44.78
work who was a Seventh-day
Adventist. His name was Collin
00:41:44.82\00:41:48.99
Holman and they used to call him
Collin Holy Man. So if I had any
00:41:49.03\00:41:52.23
questions I would go to Collin
and say what about this and he'd
00:41:52.27\00:41:54.94
say well this is the answer but
don't take my word for it. You
00:41:54.97\00:41:57.44
go and look in the Bible. So I
started keeping a Bible at work
00:41:57.48\00:42:00.55
because I'm back to work part
time at this time. Three months
00:42:00.58\00:42:03.31
later I got pregnant with my
next child and so that was an
00:42:03.34\00:42:06.35
anxious time. But I'm still
seeking God and he knew I was
00:42:06.39\00:42:09.33
doing acting and I was doing a
church play that people from the
00:42:09.37\00:42:13.55
whole state would come; a
big outdoor play about Calvary.
00:42:13.58\00:42:17.07
Would you like to act in
presenting it. Yeah, cool.
00:42:17.10\00:42:20.30
So that's a good focus. So then
I start going to church and get
00:42:20.34\00:42:23.93
into small group meetings. But
I was hungry, and Sheri I mean
00:42:23.97\00:42:27.53
hungry. I went and bought
a concordance which is like a
00:42:27.56\00:42:30.32
a good that you can look up any
topic and it'll give you all the
00:42:30.36\00:42:33.26
Bible references, the dictionary
meaning of it. They would tell
00:42:33.29\00:42:36.11
me something and I would go
you know what I want the truth.
00:42:36.14\00:42:39.49
I don't want any rubbish and
so I would go topic by topic.
00:42:39.53\00:42:42.81
I wanted to know something about
death I would go okay death...
00:42:42.85\00:42:45.49
Every place in the Bible that
talks about death you would look
00:42:45.53\00:42:48.73
up. And I know your personality
so I know that that's true.
00:42:48.77\00:42:51.94
Every single thing. I'm
intense with all of that.
00:42:51.97\00:42:53.59
So you want to learn your Bible
and get close to God. There's a
00:42:53.63\00:43:01.30
prophecy in Daniel 2 where,
I won't go into it, but the
00:43:01.33\00:43:04.63
history of the world is
basically laid out 600 years
00:43:04.67\00:43:07.90
before Christ that God predicted
and it happened and that really
00:43:07.94\00:43:12.39
got me. I thought if this is
true then God is real and what
00:43:12.42\00:43:16.11
he promises is true and he
promises that he will wipe away
00:43:16.14\00:43:19.27
every tear from our eye, that
there'll be no more sickness, no
00:43:19.30\00:43:22.85
more crying, no more pain and
that he loves us, that he will
00:43:22.88\00:43:26.40
never leave us
and never forsake us.
00:43:26.43\00:43:29.20
And you've been trying to
find that your whole life.
00:43:29.24\00:43:32.19
And here it is right in
front of me the whole time.
00:43:32.22\00:43:35.62
I can't even imagine what
it felt like when you finally
00:43:35.65\00:43:39.71
thought you know what all of
this is true. The Easter bunny
00:43:39.75\00:43:43.74
may not be true. Santa Claus may
not be true but there's a God in
00:43:43.78\00:43:47.56
heaven that cares about me and
every single thing that I have
00:43:47.60\00:43:51.18
felt, all the pain that I've
been through. Exactly. Holding
00:43:51.22\00:43:56.14
my baby and having to give him
up. All that. I love even I know
00:43:56.18\00:44:00.05
you finally did get to the place
where God said, You know there's
00:44:00.09\00:44:03.58
going to be a day that I'm going
to bring Jackson up from the
00:44:03.62\00:44:07.69
grave and hand him back to
you and you will raise this boy,
00:44:07.73\00:44:11.77
which is an incredible
thing, you know. It is.
00:44:11.80\00:44:15.76
I went on then to have three
more children. They're adorable.
00:44:15.80\00:44:21.77
They are so beautiful. But
I didn't do too good as a mom
00:44:21.80\00:44:27.10
after that. I remember one
particular time God really got
00:44:27.13\00:44:30.80
hold of me and I just have
to share this because it was
00:44:30.84\00:44:33.90
probably one of the most
incredible times I've ever had
00:44:33.93\00:44:37.43
where I felt like I actually
experienced the face of God.
00:44:37.46\00:44:40.51
We'd gone through some stress.
We actually lost our house and
00:44:40.55\00:44:44.51
that kind of stuff. By this
time I'm baptized Seventh-day
00:44:44.54\00:44:48.25
Adventist and going to church.
Within 18 months of being
00:44:48.28\00:44:51.90
baptized I was preaching and
stuff, so God really had done
00:44:51.93\00:44:55.64
some huge stuff. But Hannah
was little and we went away to a
00:44:55.67\00:44:58.90
cabin and Mark's watching TV
because I think America invaded
00:44:58.94\00:45:02.14
Iraq at the time or something
it was all over the news.
00:45:02.17\00:45:05.29
I'm just wanting to connect.
Here we are with our baby and
00:45:05.32\00:45:08.37
she's screaming and I mean I fed
her, I changed her, I'm cuddling
00:45:08.41\00:45:11.37
her, I'm singing to her and she
just would not settle, so I just
00:45:11.41\00:45:14.17
put her in the cot and let her
cry because there was nothing
00:45:14.21\00:45:18.62
more I could do. Well he comes
in screaming, What are you doing
00:45:18.66\00:45:22.48
Just pick her up, pick her up
and he didn't know that I'd been
00:45:22.51\00:45:26.27
trying to settle and he picked
her up and went to take her out
00:45:26.30\00:45:30.29
of the room and she stopped just
dead quiet. And I'm like I can't
00:45:30.32\00:45:34.28
get this right, I can't get
my marriage right, I can't get
00:45:34.31\00:45:38.08
parenting right. And I lay on
the bed and I just cried and I
00:45:38.11\00:45:41.41
all the... you know the devil
when he just gets to you like
00:45:41.45\00:45:44.68
that and he fills your head with
stuff; you've never been loved,
00:45:44.72\00:45:48.59
you're never going to be loved,
you're never going to be a good
00:45:48.63\00:45:52.47
mom, you can't handle your
own child, you've got your own
00:45:52.50\00:45:54.91
family now and you don't even
care. God said to me, That's not
00:45:54.95\00:45:58.73
true. I love you and I'll never
leave you and I'll never forsake
00:45:58.76\00:46:02.64
you. It was like an interjecting
thought and I knew that that was
00:46:02.68\00:46:06.03
the voice of God and it was only
a month later that I read that
00:46:06.06\00:46:09.38
verse in the Bible.
00:46:09.41\00:46:11.02
You know we have to take a
break and I'm sorry to stop you
00:46:11.06\00:46:14.90
because that is such an amazing
moment. But we're going to take
00:46:14.94\00:46:18.48
a break come back. Would
you come back with us. Would you
00:46:18.51\00:46:20.96
close out. So we're going
to take a break and come back.
00:46:21.00\00:46:23.38
and know that Danni has a few
more things to say. I think it's
00:46:23.42\00:46:28.34
amazing just how faithful
God is and how much he can heal,
00:46:28.37\00:46:33.26
how much he loves
us. We'll be right back.
00:46:33.29\00:46:35.62