The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome back.
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Um, so you know, we were talking
about before the break about,
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you know, these kids growing
up in these really crazy homes.
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And when we become adults
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we have all of this behavior
that we just don't understand.
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They desperate
need to be normal,
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not knowing how to be
kind of in social settings
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and we look fabulous, but
we just don't know anything.
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You know, what I-- And so it's
really a kind of a crazy thing
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because either we're going
to go into recovery and heal
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and literally look
at all those issues
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or we're going to just learn
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how to mask it
and walk through life.
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And always being somewhat
disconnected from ourselves
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and using our
addictions to give us comfort.
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And so, you know, I want to say,
Asheley, welcome to the program.
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And I know that you understand
a lot of what I just said.
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Not only do you work
with folks like that,
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but you've been through it.
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So tell us a little
bit about yourself and--
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and I'd like to hear
everything from child,
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I guess, I like all the stuff.
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Okay, all right.
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Well, I was born in Georgia,
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which is a good old
conservative state and,
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but to a single mom who
got pregnant out of wedlock
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and she was kind of run
out of the church for that.
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And so she didn't--
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'Cause at one time
that was a big deal.
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Yeah, it was a
big deal at that time.
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And, you know, she came from
a very respectable family that,
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you know, had a reputation
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and here she was kind of
breaking the social norm.
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And my
grandparents, God bless them.
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They said, "You
know, we don't care,
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you know, we want
to take care of you."
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And so they took care of
her while she was pregnant.
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And my father,
my biological father
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kind of had the attitude of,
"Well, I don't want any kids,
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I've never had kids,
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and I don't
intend to be a dad now."
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So you're on your
own type of thing.
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So he just left. He just left.
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And so what I love about
your grand--your grandparents
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just because even
for the church it's like,
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nobody knew what to do with
that, so they usually just said,
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"You know, we're not
gonna deal with that."
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And even nowadays, we
are a little bit more loving
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'cause nobody wants a
teen who are pregnant.
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I mean, you know, 'cause all of
the problems that come with that
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and that's a harder life.
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But I think the church
right now is more accepting.
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And so at that point,
where your grandparents had
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and God bless them as
that you're still my daughter
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and I love you, and
we'll take care of you.
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Yeah, and my grandmother
says she got over the,
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you know, the fear of like,
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"Oh, you know, what's
gonna happen with this kid?
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What kind of life is
this baby gonna have?
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And start praying going,
God let this child be healthy.
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You know, she
got passed and said,
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"No, I've got to pray that
this kid comes out healthy."
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'Cause she's already got
everything stacked against her.
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So I was born, and my mom
lived with my grandparents
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and started turning her life
around and it had been kind of,
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I would say kind of wishy-washy.
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She didn't really know what
she was doing with her life.
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And she decided she
was gonna be a nurse
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and applied to nursing school
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and got into nursing
school out in California.
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Soon I was 18 months
she moved out to California
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and moved in with
my great-grandmother,
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so now grandmother's mother.
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And so she started
attending nursing school
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and I would live
with my great-grandmother
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who would take care
of me during the day.
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And then she had
this Chinese chest,
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it's like,
antique Chinese chest,
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it's over a hundred years old
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and I'd stand on it
to look out the window
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to see my mother coming
up the road from school.
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And just wait for
her. And just wait for her.
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And that was what I remember is
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I don't have any idea what
we did the rest of the day,
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but I remember
getting up on that chest,
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look out the window and there
were some construction going by,
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so I'd count the
cement trucks, kind of,
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you know, I couldn't count, but
I would count the cement trucks
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and I knew that at a
certain point in the day
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my mom was gonna come home and
I see her coming up the hill.
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And so my early
childhood was a lot of that,
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just waiting for my mom to come
home 'cause she was in school
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and eventually
my mother's parents
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moved out to California also
and we moved back in with them.
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And so the first I would
say, six years of my life
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it was a lot of moving
in with my grandparents
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and then moving out
of my grandparent's place
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'cause my mom
would want to try to see
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if she could make it
on her own for a while
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and then it
would just be too much
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and so she moved back
in with my grandparents.
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So even though you
were surrounded by people
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that loved you, it still was
that--still wasn't very stable
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and it's like I don't
know where I'm gonna be tonight
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or where we're gonna
live or what's gonna happen.
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It was really weird for me
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because it was like I
knew I had this loving family,
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but there was
always somebody gone.
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And if I was living
with my mom by myself,
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I was over out at a babysitters.
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So as I never had
my mother to myself
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and it was like there is always
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this part of me
that was missing.
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So when we moved back in
with my grandparents again
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it was just kind of
just for a sense of relief
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because, okay, now
everything is stable
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and it's gonna be,
you know, this way.
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And my grandmother is there
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and then my mother
comes home from nursing
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and so we're all good.
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And then-- I can
trust this maybe.
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Yeah, this is
gonna-- this is gonna work.
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And I started attending school
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and I didn't realize
that the stigma of being like
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the fatherless child
still is attached to me.
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And so I would go to school
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and the teachers would
kind of treat me different,
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but I didn't really know why.
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And I didn't know what
was different about me,
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so I just kind of shrink in.
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I became really shy.
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And I can remember
I was in class one day
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and the teacher
shuffled the tables around
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and I was the one
who had the odd table out
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and she said, "Well,
just go put your table
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with whatever group
of tables you want."
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So I started to move my desk
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and one of the
girls piped up and said,
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"Ashley, I will
be your best friend,
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if you promise not
to sit with us." Oh.
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And I was just kind of like
I was stunned and it was like--
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Think I don't
know what that means.
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Well, no, I knew what it meant.
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It meant that she
didn't want me. Yeah.
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And I'm seeing they're
going I'm not wanted here.
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And so I went just pushed my
table over to any older group
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and I'd just got in my head that
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there was something wrong with
me that people didn't want me.
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And then when I was seven,
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I--my mother decided she wanted
to try being a single mom again
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and so she moved us all the way
out to New York City. And so--
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Away from grandparents,
away from everything.
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So, you know, and she hyped
it up as this big adventure
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and I was the kind of kid.
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I was like, "Okay,
mom, where you want to go?
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Let's--what we're
gonna do today type of thing
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'cause we would always take
off to new trips and stuff."
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And she is like, "Well,
we're gonna go to New York."
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And I said, "Okay."
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You know, and so we stopped
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at all these neat
places along the away,
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Mount Rushmore and we
stopped at the Grand Canyon,
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and I freaked
out because my mother
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being my mom had to go
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up to the edges of the
Grand Canyon take photos
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and I'm just in
my head positive.
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She's gonna fall over the side
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and I'm gonna loose my
mother, and I'm freaking out.
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And she goes, "I will never ever
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be able to go to
the Grand Canyon again."
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And I'm like, "No."
You were so traumatized.
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But, you know, for
this little kid that says,
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you know what,
you were in my mind,
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you were what
and I need you. Yeah.
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And you can't leave me.
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Yeah, it was
just-- it terrified me
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that I'd be without her. Yeah.
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So we get to New York, and
I'm put into public school,
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which I hadn't been in
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and I'd been in a
private school before that
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and I was put into public school
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and the teacher just I
don't know what her issue was,
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but she hated my guts.
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I mean, literally I've heard of,
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you know,
teachers hating students
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but this is, you know, she
would look at me and she'd go,
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"You're so stupid, you
can't do anything right."
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And she said, "Go
use the dictionary
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since you can't figure out what
the definition of a word means."
00:07:42.98\00:07:45.22
And I'm like, "Well,
how do I use a dictionary?
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I'd never been
around the dictionary.
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It wasn't something that
I flipped open naturally."
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And she goes, "You're too stupid
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to even know how to use
the dictionary." Wow. And--
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And for an outrace kid. Yeah.
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And that's what we
were talking about earlier
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is that we then try to make
sense or try to figure it out
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or we're not gonna
ask for help anymore.
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I mean, all of those
things start to happen. Yeah.
00:08:06.16\00:08:08.55
And then we look
stupid 'cause we don't know.
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I need to ask you for
help and yet I'm not going to.
00:08:10.77\00:08:13.34
Yeah, so I kind of closed in.
00:08:13.37\00:08:14.82
I just--I kind of caved in.
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I was like there is something.
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You know, I was like I
didn't think I was stupid,
00:08:17.65\00:08:19.33
but it was like you hate
me what did I do wrong. Right.
00:08:19.36\00:08:22.95
And so this just kind of kept
going all the way through school
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and I got to fourth grade
and the teachers would be like,
00:08:28.92\00:08:33.45
"You're so
stupid. You're so stupid."
00:08:33.48\00:08:34.85
And yet I would take my CTY test
00:08:34.88\00:08:38.27
and I get the scores back
00:08:38.30\00:08:39.67
and my scores
were off the charts.
00:08:39.70\00:08:41.07
Like, they would put me at
99 percentile because they said,
00:08:41.10\00:08:43.41
"Well, we don't have a
score for where you landed."
00:08:43.44\00:08:45.86
And I'm like, "Okay."
00:08:45.89\00:08:48.26
So obviously I'm not stupid,
00:08:48.29\00:08:50.57
but yet I've got my
teachers turning around going,
00:08:50.60\00:08:53.11
you were the
stupidest thing we've ever seen.
00:08:53.14\00:08:55.76
And like I forgot to bring--
I think it was my flute--
00:08:55.79\00:08:59.38
I forgot to bring my flute over
quarter thing for music one time
00:08:59.41\00:09:03.67
and the teacher is looking at me
00:09:03.70\00:09:05.07
and she goes, "I can't
believe you forgot your flute.
00:09:05.10\00:09:06.88
How could you be so
stupid to forget your flute?"
00:09:06.91\00:09:09.54
And I'm just like,
"Well, I just didn't."
00:09:09.57\00:09:12.05
She goes, "Well,
how do you expect
00:09:12.08\00:09:13.45
to get into college that way?"
00:09:13.48\00:09:15.15
And I looked at
her I'm like, "Really?"
00:09:15.18\00:09:18.67
I'm in fourth grade
and you're telling me,
00:09:18.70\00:09:20.79
I'm not gonna get into college
00:09:20.82\00:09:22.19
because I forgot
my recorder today.
00:09:22.22\00:09:24.49
Okay, you're just--
00:09:24.52\00:09:25.89
forget it, I don't
care what you think anymore.
00:09:25.92\00:09:28.11
But, you know, just
to stop right there and,
00:09:28.14\00:09:31.06
you know, kind of probably
where I'm gonna go with this
00:09:31.09\00:09:33.66
is that at one point with
the child that's been injured
00:09:33.69\00:09:37.29
is that realization
and that kind of rebellion,
00:09:37.32\00:09:40.32
and that kind of, you know,
almost sarcasm in our mind,
00:09:40.35\00:09:43.60
at least if we don't say it,
00:09:43.63\00:09:45.00
at least we're thinking it
in our mind, is that not right.
00:09:45.03\00:09:47.65
That makes no sense.
00:09:47.68\00:09:49.05
And so you're
saying about fourth grade.
00:09:49.08\00:09:51.25
You start to
realize that. You know what?
00:09:51.28\00:09:54.12
That's crazy. It was.
00:09:54.15\00:09:55.52
It just--I could
not wrap my head around,
00:09:55.55\00:09:57.74
having me for getting
my recorder for one day,
00:09:57.77\00:09:59.55
it was gonna
bar me from college.
00:09:59.58\00:10:00.99
It just didn't make sense to me.
00:10:01.02\00:10:03.78
And about that time too
my mom had gotten married,
00:10:03.81\00:10:06.62
so to my step-dad who adopted me
00:10:06.65\00:10:09.14
and they got
pregnant right after that,
00:10:09.17\00:10:11.54
so we had this
really chaotic household,
00:10:11.57\00:10:14.46
at least from my
perspective, it was chaotic.
00:10:14.49\00:10:16.77
Where I've got a brand new
dad who I don't really know.
00:10:16.80\00:10:20.05
I think they dated about three
months before they got married.
00:10:20.08\00:10:23.31
And then I have a
brand new baby sister
00:10:23.34\00:10:25.22
who I just loved to death,
I mean, she was like my doll,
00:10:25.25\00:10:28.49
I got to play with her.
00:10:28.52\00:10:30.45
And then my parents
were fighting all the time
00:10:30.48\00:10:32.49
because they were
trying to figure out
00:10:32.52\00:10:34.06
how to make a marriage work.
00:10:34.09\00:10:35.61
And they didn't really
have the skills for that,
00:10:35.64\00:10:38.71
and so they were
figuring out verbally
00:10:38.74\00:10:41.10
and so I'm sitting here and
looking at the world's going,
00:10:41.13\00:10:43.30
what the heck happen? Right.
00:10:43.33\00:10:45.29
And there is a lot of
anger building up inside me,
00:10:45.32\00:10:48.54
especially
towards to my step-dad
00:10:48.57\00:10:49.94
'cause I saw him
as like the problem.
00:10:49.97\00:10:52.11
He'd come in and
everything just fell apart.
00:10:52.14\00:10:54.47
I mean, just I'd never
been around violence before
00:10:54.50\00:10:57.36
and he was a violent man.
00:10:57.39\00:10:59.09
And like I forgot to do
my math homework one day
00:10:59.12\00:11:02.66
and he thought I lied about
it, and it wasn't that I lied,
00:11:02.69\00:11:05.23
I just literally forgot about it
00:11:05.26\00:11:07.46
and I had these
stacks of shelves
00:11:07.49\00:11:09.09
in my room with
all my toys and games,
00:11:09.12\00:11:10.62
and he just took
them and tipped them over.
00:11:10.65\00:11:12.43
Just throw them
over and he said,
00:11:12.46\00:11:13.83
"That's what you
get for being a liar."
00:11:13.86\00:11:16.02
And he said,
"You're gonna clean this up,
00:11:16.05\00:11:18.07
that's your punishment."
00:11:18.10\00:11:19.47
And I was on the floor sobbing
00:11:19.50\00:11:21.21
'cause it was
probably like 7 or 8 O'clock
00:11:21.24\00:11:22.99
and it was
bedtime and it took me
00:11:23.02\00:11:24.39
till I think 10:30 that
night to get it cleaned up.
00:11:24.42\00:11:27.42
And it was just that was--
00:11:27.45\00:11:29.97
my world was I didn't know
if I was gonna make him angry
00:11:30.00\00:11:33.05
or if I was doing
something wrong or,
00:11:33.08\00:11:36.12
you know, how did I--
how do I make it work?
00:11:36.15\00:11:39.12
And I felt like I was
always messing it up. Right.
00:11:39.15\00:11:42.65
And so, did you find anything
like we talked about the kid
00:11:42.68\00:11:45.93
that find some way
to comfort themselves,
00:11:45.96\00:11:48.12
some way to were-- yeah. Yeah.
00:11:48.15\00:11:49.52
For me, it was books.
00:11:49.55\00:11:50.92
I took it because
I turned in big time.
00:11:50.95\00:11:52.80
And I was not
allowed to be angry.
00:11:52.83\00:11:55.28
I was never allowed
to be the angry one.
00:11:55.31\00:11:57.43
So I just turned it all in
00:11:57.46\00:11:58.83
and I started
reading these books and--
00:11:58.86\00:12:00.23
You escaped into. I
escaped into fiction.
00:12:00.26\00:12:02.75
I think a lot of kids do that.
00:12:02.78\00:12:04.29
So what kind of
books did you grab?
00:12:04.32\00:12:06.87
For me, it was Nancy Drew,
00:12:06.90\00:12:08.68
she was just kind of the epitome
of what I thought was perfect.
00:12:08.71\00:12:11.96
She was 18, she was
beautiful, she was smart,
00:12:11.99\00:12:14.72
she flew planes, she
spoke three languages, I think.
00:12:14.75\00:12:17.92
And it was just one of those
things where I looked at her
00:12:17.95\00:12:19.79
and I went that's
what I want to be,
00:12:19.82\00:12:22.15
but I knew couldn't do it
'cause I'm sitting there going,
00:12:22.18\00:12:24.41
well, how did she do that,
00:12:24.44\00:12:25.81
you know, by the time
she was 18? What pressure.
00:12:25.84\00:12:28.07
I mean, you know what I mean,
00:12:28.10\00:12:29.47
it's like all of the stuffs
that were happening around you,
00:12:29.50\00:12:31.26
trying to live
up to everybody else
00:12:31.29\00:12:33.02
and then you find something
00:12:33.05\00:12:34.42
that you absolutely
cannot live up to. Yeah.
00:12:34.45\00:12:36.44
And it was just I started,
00:12:36.47\00:12:39.02
you know, I hated her
because she was perfect,
00:12:39.05\00:12:40.83
but at the same
time I wanted to be her.
00:12:40.86\00:12:43.19
And that kind of
became who it was?
00:12:43.22\00:12:45.55
It was like, for
me, I was the person,
00:12:45.58\00:12:47.75
I wanted to be somebody perfect,
00:12:47.78\00:12:49.94
but I also hated
the perfect people,
00:12:49.97\00:12:51.92
because they had
everything I didn't have.
00:12:51.95\00:12:53.77
Well, at least
that's what I felt like.
00:12:53.80\00:12:55.17
That's what it felt like.
00:12:55.20\00:12:56.71
Because I know you
and you're pretty cool.
00:12:56.74\00:12:59.52
But, you know, that was
what it felt like at the time.
00:12:59.55\00:13:01.87
And so I know for you through
the years that you ended up
00:13:01.90\00:13:06.37
actually even hitting a
time where you felt depressed
00:13:06.40\00:13:09.33
and you were going into
some of that kind of stuff.
00:13:09.36\00:13:11.78
Was it a result of
not being able to live up
00:13:11.81\00:13:15.13
and that the chaos
at home, do you think?
00:13:15.16\00:13:17.36
It was kind of a
mixture because for me,
00:13:17.39\00:13:19.40
I think I can
pinpoint it back to I was 11
00:13:19.43\00:13:21.55
when I hit my
first depressive spell.
00:13:21.58\00:13:23.69
And it was I
had my little sister
00:13:23.72\00:13:25.67
and there was my mom and
my dad and it seemed like,
00:13:25.70\00:13:28.37
they were the family
unit and I was just the extra.
00:13:28.40\00:13:31.86
Right, I may be your best friend
00:13:31.89\00:13:33.75
if you don't come
and sit with us. Right.
00:13:33.78\00:13:35.34
And my parents didn't
know what to do with me
00:13:35.37\00:13:38.11
when school would
let out in the summer.
00:13:38.14\00:13:39.53
So my sister went off to a
babysitter a lot of the time,
00:13:39.56\00:13:42.49
but they weren't gonna pay
for me to go to be babysitter,
00:13:42.52\00:13:44.67
so they shipped me out
00:13:44.70\00:13:46.07
to live with my
grandparents during the summers.
00:13:46.10\00:13:48.28
And I loved my grandparents.
00:13:48.31\00:13:50.11
So I thought, you know,
hey this is cool I get to go,
00:13:50.14\00:13:53.10
you know, be
with my grandparents.
00:13:53.13\00:13:54.50
I didn't really think about it.
00:13:54.53\00:13:56.01
But when I got
to my grandparents,
00:13:56.04\00:13:57.41
I had this really
stable environment.
00:13:57.44\00:13:59.45
And my
grandmother just doted on me.
00:13:59.48\00:14:01.85
I mean, we spent
summers painting, drawing,
00:14:01.88\00:14:04.46
planting marigolds,
I mean, we did stuff.
00:14:04.49\00:14:08.08
You know, I got one on one
time with grandma and grandpa.
00:14:08.11\00:14:11.03
And then they would take
me to church every weekend.
00:14:11.06\00:14:13.40
And so I was still
connected in with the church
00:14:13.43\00:14:16.43
even though I
wasn't in the church.
00:14:16.46\00:14:19.23
And in my head I
was getting everything
00:14:19.26\00:14:21.70
like God was wanting me to have
00:14:21.73\00:14:24.01
that I was gonna
need in the future
00:14:24.04\00:14:25.53
from those weekends
that I was out at church.
00:14:25.56\00:14:28.15
And then summer would end and
I'd have to go back to New York.
00:14:28.18\00:14:31.32
And I knew what was
waiting for me when I got back
00:14:31.35\00:14:33.49
and I would just ball the
whole 5 hour flight to home or
00:14:33.52\00:14:36.96
whatever, you
know, it was. And--
00:14:36.99\00:14:40.17
It's got to be hard to get it
as sense or taste of belonging
00:14:40.20\00:14:44.10
and being loved and then
walking away from that again.
00:14:44.13\00:14:47.59
Yeah, and I just kind
of got it in my head that,
00:14:47.62\00:14:50.76
that was my life, that it
was always gonna be there some
00:14:50.79\00:14:54.31
New York and then
out with my grandparents
00:14:54.34\00:14:57.63
and I was never gonna
be kind of a stable thing,
00:14:57.66\00:15:00.68
I was never gonna
have the home environment
00:15:00.71\00:15:03.13
that I thought I wanted and--
00:15:03.16\00:15:06.50
That you need it.
00:15:06.53\00:15:07.90
That I--yeah, that I
actually need it, you know.
00:15:07.93\00:15:09.88
And I just
adapted to what was there
00:15:09.91\00:15:13.84
and the volatility of my
dad's anger problems and,
00:15:13.87\00:15:19.85
you know, whatever
was going on in the house
00:15:19.88\00:15:21.60
and I just kind
of went with that.
00:15:21.63\00:15:23.37
And then my little brother
was born a couple of years later
00:15:23.40\00:15:27.45
and it just kind of
pushed me out even further
00:15:27.48\00:15:29.57
on that feeling of that's their
family and I'm just the extra.
00:15:29.60\00:15:34.67
So I had this opportunity
00:15:34.70\00:15:37.49
to go to high school
out with my grandparents
00:15:37.52\00:15:40.50
and I started and
I went, sure why not?
00:15:40.53\00:15:44.19
I've got nothing here
that I want to stick around for
00:15:44.22\00:15:47.18
may be I'll find
what I'm wanting there
00:15:47.21\00:15:49.61
because I'm going
to a private school
00:15:49.64\00:15:51.18
and that's with kids who
were gonna be like me who,
00:15:51.21\00:15:53.21
you know, go to church and
who understand who Jesus is
00:15:53.24\00:15:56.23
and because the
kids I hung out with
00:15:56.26\00:15:59.02
didn't have that
background at all.
00:15:59.05\00:16:00.72
'Cause in New York,
you were in public school?
00:16:00.75\00:16:02.20
Right, 'cause I'm
in the public school
00:16:02.23\00:16:03.70
and I still knew who God was,
00:16:03.73\00:16:06.19
I knew who Jesus was
00:16:06.22\00:16:07.72
and the Sabbath
was still Sabbath to me
00:16:07.75\00:16:09.87
and I knew all of
that, but nobody else did.
00:16:09.90\00:16:12.87
And so I was
really excluded on that
00:16:12.90\00:16:14.99
and even though I
wasn't attending church.
00:16:15.02\00:16:17.59
I thought "Hey, if
I go to private school
00:16:17.62\00:16:19.32
and I'm with the kids
who think the way I think
00:16:19.35\00:16:21.60
and do the things I
do, that'll fix everything.
00:16:21.63\00:16:24.69
And I went out to
my grandparents again
00:16:24.72\00:16:27.92
for the summer
and I went to camp
00:16:27.95\00:16:30.06
and they had pastor
who was doing one of those
00:16:30.09\00:16:32.28
altar calls type of
thing at the end of the camp.
00:16:32.31\00:16:35.29
And I just sat there and I went,
00:16:35.32\00:16:36.69
I've got to go up there
I've got to go up there,
00:16:36.72\00:16:38.22
that's what I
want to be a part of,
00:16:38.25\00:16:40.49
and I couldn't get
up out of my chair.
00:16:40.52\00:16:42.14
I felt like
somebody was sitting on me.
00:16:42.17\00:16:43.84
And I'm sitting there going,
00:16:43.87\00:16:45.24
"God, I know this
is what I need to do,
00:16:45.27\00:16:46.64
help me get out of this chair."
00:16:46.67\00:16:48.37
And then a moment I
have this feeling like,
00:16:48.40\00:16:50.74
if you don't get up now,
00:16:50.77\00:16:52.14
you're never gonna be
able to get up and go.
00:16:52.17\00:16:53.54
And so I stood up
00:16:53.57\00:16:54.94
and it felt like I had
lead weights tied to me
00:16:54.97\00:16:56.34
as I was standing up, and
I walked and I kid you not,
00:16:56.37\00:16:59.36
it was like somebody
might have manacled my feet,
00:16:59.39\00:17:01.64
I could barely take steps.
00:17:01.67\00:17:03.43
And I got up to the altar and
I'm like, "This is what I want.
00:17:03.46\00:17:05.84
I want to have God in my life
00:17:05.87\00:17:08.58
and I want to feel
like I belong to somebody."
00:17:08.61\00:17:11.48
Amen. And--
00:17:11.51\00:17:13.39
That's such a powerful for a
kid that has all of that stuff,
00:17:13.42\00:17:17.45
does anybody loved me.
00:17:17.48\00:17:19.05
For God through the Holy Spirit
to break through to your heart
00:17:19.08\00:17:21.76
and say stand
up, I love you. Yeah.
00:17:21.79\00:17:24.48
To me, I wish that
everybody could get a sense
00:17:24.51\00:17:27.01
of how amazing that
moment was for you. It was.
00:17:27.04\00:17:29.65
It was just--
it was so powerful.
00:17:29.68\00:17:31.59
And I wanted to just keep
going, I didn't wanted to stop,
00:17:31.62\00:17:34.35
and then I got back to the cabin
00:17:34.38\00:17:35.75
and I was like,
we're done, okay.
00:17:35.78\00:17:38.00
And I'm like,
"Really?" That's it, go on--
00:17:38.03\00:17:40.03
Does anybody gonna
come talk to me? I know.
00:17:40.06\00:17:42.72
And I wanted somebody
who can talk to me, so God--
00:17:42.75\00:17:44.12
I really want to turn around.
00:17:44.15\00:17:46.52
You know what I mean?
00:17:46.55\00:17:47.92
Almost to the world and
say never do that to a kid
00:17:47.95\00:17:50.62
'cause I don't think we realize
00:17:50.65\00:17:52.12
and in recovery I
see this all the time is,
00:17:52.15\00:17:54.63
as we see these
injured individuals
00:17:54.66\00:17:57.30
that finally have
hope enough to stand up.
00:17:57.33\00:17:59.79
And we don't
realize the next step
00:17:59.82\00:18:01.59
and the next step is
somebody has got to touch them,
00:18:01.62\00:18:04.27
somebody has got to say,
"You know what? Good decision."
00:18:04.30\00:18:07.28
And God loves you and that
follow up is critical. Yeah.
00:18:07.31\00:18:10.75
But that didn't happened.
00:18:10.78\00:18:12.15
And I'm glad in a sense
that we're gonna cover that
00:18:12.18\00:18:15.07
that didn't happen because your
life continues to spiral down,
00:18:15.10\00:18:19.01
even though you had that moment.
00:18:19.04\00:18:21.06
Yeah, it just
got worse actually,
00:18:21.09\00:18:22.57
that I might have
been like what they call
00:18:22.60\00:18:23.97
mountain top experience
00:18:24.00\00:18:25.37
because for me, that
was like the high point
00:18:25.40\00:18:27.44
and then I just kind of
roll down the hill after that
00:18:27.47\00:18:29.86
and it just got worse and worse.
00:18:29.89\00:18:31.26
And I started at
academy. And I'm from--
00:18:31.29\00:18:33.46
I'm gonna let you go on, but
I want to tell you, I'm sorry.
00:18:33.49\00:18:36.38
All right, go ahead.
00:18:36.41\00:18:38.57
So I started at academy,
and I'm from New York City,
00:18:38.60\00:18:41.05
so I'm pretty rough
around the edges at this point.
00:18:41.08\00:18:43.27
I've had to, you know,
fight my way to having a place
00:18:43.30\00:18:47.53
where I can defend myself
00:18:47.56\00:18:48.93
if somebody is gonna come and
attack me and I just really--
00:18:48.96\00:18:50.77
You had
everything, but the plan. Yeah.
00:18:50.80\00:18:54.00
And I just didn't really
know what the social norms were
00:18:54.03\00:18:58.63
and I didn't get it and I
started feeling that ostracism,
00:18:58.66\00:19:02.85
and so I started
hating the kids because,
00:19:02.88\00:19:05.58
you know, they were
pulling away from something
00:19:05.61\00:19:07.26
they didn't recognize
and so I turned around
00:19:07.29\00:19:09.27
and hated them back for pulling
away from me 'cause I'm like,
00:19:09.30\00:19:12.09
"You're supposed to
be my kind of people.
00:19:12.12\00:19:13.67
What's going on here?"
00:19:13.70\00:19:15.32
And there was one guy
who, you know, was nice to me
00:19:15.35\00:19:19.37
and we started dating
00:19:19.40\00:19:20.77
and I got really
hooked into that relationship
00:19:20.80\00:19:22.52
'cause finally I had somebody
who's paying attention to me
00:19:22.55\00:19:25.46
and who is telling me
that they love me and--
00:19:25.49\00:19:27.45
And I felt like I belong.
00:19:27.48\00:19:28.85
Yeah, and I felt like I belong.
00:19:28.88\00:19:30.25
And so I just put everything
on to that relationship,
00:19:30.28\00:19:32.92
and I allowed it to
progress to the point
00:19:32.95\00:19:35.29
where it was sexual,
and I was 14 years old.
00:19:35.32\00:19:38.19
And I had no idea what
that was gonna do to me.
00:19:38.22\00:19:41.54
And eventually we
broke up because it was just,
00:19:41.57\00:19:44.47
you know, it was just
too much of intimate thing
00:19:44.50\00:19:47.35
and it was just too hard
to, you know, maintain that at--
00:19:47.38\00:19:50.33
And you were so needy.
00:19:50.36\00:19:51.73
And I was so needy, so
needy, and I drove him away
00:19:51.76\00:19:54.13
and it's not his
fault, but it was just--
00:19:54.16\00:19:56.25
But and the reason I say
that is that most people come in
00:19:56.28\00:19:59.00
and they judge your behavior
and this is just a bad kid
00:19:59.03\00:20:01.31
and I just want
to say, no way. No.
00:20:01.34\00:20:03.33
So needy and
everything was stacked up
00:20:03.36\00:20:05.72
to make then another
wrong decision. Right.
00:20:05.75\00:20:07.98
And I just didn't
know how to handle that--
00:20:08.01\00:20:12.14
not rejection, it
wasn't necessarily rejection,
00:20:12.17\00:20:14.41
but having that
emptiness again--
00:20:14.44\00:20:16.13
I'm alone
again. I'm alone again.
00:20:16.16\00:20:18.03
And I've been taking some
muscle relaxants for pain,
00:20:18.06\00:20:22.16
legitimate, you know, this is
from a doctor I can take this,
00:20:22.19\00:20:25.19
but there was 215 of
these pills in a bottle.
00:20:25.22\00:20:28.57
And I just sat there around,
I can't deal with this anymore,
00:20:28.60\00:20:32.07
I'm tired of being alone
and so I took the whole bottle.
00:20:32.10\00:20:34.85
And there would have been--
I've been taking them slowly,
00:20:34.88\00:20:39.18
so I'm gonna
guess there is probably
00:20:39.21\00:20:40.58
185 pills left in that
bottle and I took the whole--
00:20:40.61\00:20:43.78
whole lot in one go.
00:20:43.81\00:20:45.32
And my grandmother to this day
I don't know what I did to her.
00:20:45.35\00:20:50.97
She came in and she
found the bottle empty
00:20:51.00\00:20:52.98
and she asked me and she
goes, "Did you take these?"
00:20:53.01\00:20:54.89
And I said, "Yeah, I took them."
00:20:54.92\00:20:57.16
And the next thing I know
I'm being run off to the ER
00:20:57.19\00:20:59.77
because, you know, I've taken
I don't know how many hundred,
00:20:59.80\00:21:02.32
you know, painkillers
00:21:02.35\00:21:04.62
and they're pumping my stomach
and they're looking like,
00:21:04.65\00:21:06.92
"Well, why did you
do something so stupid?"
00:21:06.95\00:21:08.74
And I'm looking
at the nurse going,
00:21:08.77\00:21:10.63
"Really, do you have any idea?"
00:21:10.66\00:21:14.14
It's like, "Why would
you ask me that question?
00:21:14.17\00:21:16.04
Why do you think
I took them?" Right.
00:21:16.07\00:21:17.82
And but, you know,
00:21:17.85\00:21:19.39
and then well, this is what I
think the devil is so strategic
00:21:19.42\00:21:22.55
because he uses
the same words. Yeah.
00:21:22.58\00:21:24.56
You know, the same word
00:21:24.59\00:21:25.96
that you've heard all your whole
your life is you're a stupid.
00:21:25.99\00:21:27.91
Why did you do
something so stupid?
00:21:27.94\00:21:29.84
And so for you,
00:21:29.87\00:21:31.24
that's just like somebody
just slamming you again. Yeah.
00:21:31.27\00:21:34.89
And so, you know, and
I guess when I hear that
00:21:34.92\00:21:37.86
I just want to say that
00:21:37.89\00:21:39.26
somebody's got to
say the right thing,
00:21:39.29\00:21:41.27
you know, as
definitely as Christians,
00:21:41.30\00:21:43.74
but as adults as at sometimes
we got to say the right thing
00:21:43.77\00:21:46.57
that this kid
took it for reason.
00:21:46.60\00:21:48.97
Yeah, I wasn't-- I
wasn't kind of showing off,
00:21:49.00\00:21:51.96
I wasn't, you know--
Trying to get attention.
00:21:51.99\00:21:54.21
May be I was
trying to get attention,
00:21:54.24\00:21:55.62
but not it was at the same
time it was a real intense pain
00:21:55.65\00:21:58.63
and I was trying to
get rid of that pain.
00:21:58.66\00:22:00.80
So they stuck me in
the psychiatric ward
00:22:00.83\00:22:02.70
with kids who were in there
for anger management problems,
00:22:02.73\00:22:05.58
prostitution and drug addiction,
00:22:05.61\00:22:07.59
and I'm in there
for suicide attempt.
00:22:07.62\00:22:09.77
And they're like, we're
gonna have group therapy
00:22:09.80\00:22:11.61
and so we do group
therapy and it's all about
00:22:11.64\00:22:13.47
why you're not
gonna drink alcohol.
00:22:13.50\00:22:15.47
And I'm going, "Oh,
why?" I don't drink.
00:22:15.50\00:22:19.13
I'm like, "Wait a minute.
I don't--I don't do that."
00:22:19.16\00:22:21.74
And it's like
well, how does this help?
00:22:21.77\00:22:23.67
I didn't--I
didn't understand that.
00:22:23.70\00:22:25.34
It didn't make any sense
to me why it was helping.
00:22:25.37\00:22:28.52
And I had no respect
for the staff at that point
00:22:28.55\00:22:32.14
'cause they would
come in and they're like,
00:22:32.17\00:22:33.54
all you're gonna go do
this group therapy thing?
00:22:33.57\00:22:35.29
And it had nothing to
do it what my issues were.
00:22:35.32\00:22:39.73
And finally they got me
into see the psychiatrist,
00:22:39.76\00:22:42.73
and the psychiatrist sits
there and he's got his notepad
00:22:42.76\00:22:46.56
and I'm sitting on the
couch, you know, across the room
00:22:46.59\00:22:49.10
and he does one of
these things, and he goes,
00:22:49.13\00:22:51.52
"Okay, tell me how
your week has been."
00:22:51.55\00:22:53.81
And I'm like, "It's been bad.
00:22:53.84\00:22:58.63
You know, what do you think?"
00:22:58.66\00:23:00.81
Until you will see this
here your life stop, leave me.
00:23:00.84\00:23:04.74
You know, 'cause I
think that you've got all that
00:23:04.77\00:23:06.61
rebellion and that
anger and that stuff
00:23:06.64\00:23:08.85
and to have somebody to really
look at a pad more than you.
00:23:08.88\00:23:11.35
Yeah. He never looks at me.
00:23:11.38\00:23:12.75
There is
no--yeah, there's no way.
00:23:12.78\00:23:14.68
And that's another thing is that
00:23:14.71\00:23:16.09
there is no way
you're gonna open up.
00:23:16.12\00:23:17.93
And I can't even--my heart
just breaks when you say that.
00:23:17.96\00:23:20.68
It just--it was
one of those things
00:23:20.71\00:23:22.23
where I sat there and I
went, you want me to tell you
00:23:22.26\00:23:23.75
how my week has been.
00:23:23.78\00:23:25.15
What do you
think it's been like?
00:23:25.18\00:23:26.58
You know, no, it's been great.
00:23:26.61\00:23:28.16
Actually, you know, everybody
is welcome me back to school,
00:23:28.19\00:23:30.48
they don't think I'm a freak,
my boyfriend's taken me back,
00:23:30.51\00:23:32.89
it's great, you know,
kind of like, "Really?"
00:23:32.92\00:23:36.22
And, you know, they put me
on antidepressants and just,
00:23:36.25\00:23:39.19
you know, for teenager that's
like giving them dynamite.
00:23:39.22\00:23:42.23
You know, and I
was on antidepressants.
00:23:42.26\00:23:44.18
I went up and I went down
and I'm all over the place.
00:23:44.21\00:23:46.41
And sometimes suicide and even
homicidal stuff is exaggerated.
00:23:46.44\00:23:50.54
And I got more
suicidal for that too.
00:23:50.57\00:23:53.20
I was one of those
people I had that reaction.
00:23:53.23\00:23:55.07
I would just come up real
high and then I crash real low
00:23:55.10\00:23:58.11
and the kids at school
would pull even further away
00:23:58.14\00:24:00.03
'cause now I'm really a freak.
00:24:00.06\00:24:02.21
They don't know how
you're gonna be any given time.
00:24:02.24\00:24:04.41
And so they would make fun
of me in the hallways and stuff
00:24:04.44\00:24:06.92
and I'd just, I
sat there and I went,
00:24:06.95\00:24:08.32
"You guys are all
awful, I can't stand you.
00:24:08.35\00:24:10.59
You have no value
at all in my life."
00:24:10.62\00:24:13.45
And I went through
three years of that academy
00:24:13.48\00:24:16.47
and then my
parents would finally say--
00:24:16.50\00:24:20.44
they would call
up one day and say,
00:24:20.47\00:24:22.37
"Oh, we're gonna buy house.
00:24:22.40\00:24:24.40
Okay, well, next year
we're gonna buy house. Okay."
00:24:24.43\00:24:28.26
Well, my junior, they
finally did buy the house
00:24:28.29\00:24:30.74
and they said, "We'd
like you to move home."
00:24:30.77\00:24:32.41
And I said,
"Sure, I will do anything
00:24:32.44\00:24:34.00
I can to get away from this
because I'm so tired of this."
00:24:34.03\00:24:36.95
I don't fit. Yeah, I don't fit.
00:24:36.98\00:24:38.83
They don't want to
be friends with me.
00:24:38.86\00:24:40.76
The youth pastor
won't even talk with me
00:24:40.79\00:24:42.46
and have a serious
conversation with me.
00:24:42.49\00:24:44.94
I said, "I can't
handle this anymore."
00:24:44.97\00:24:46.34
What's really--what's really
tough in the situation you have,
00:24:46.37\00:24:49.93
and tell me if
this is true for you
00:24:49.96\00:24:51.33
or sometimes we
can't stand ourselves?
00:24:51.36\00:24:53.21
You know, I know that
I'm all over the board
00:24:53.24\00:24:55.03
and I know that I don't fit in
00:24:55.06\00:24:56.52
and I know that I
don't know how to talk
00:24:56.55\00:24:58.20
and I know that was
stupid for me to say,
00:24:58.23\00:25:00.88
and yet I don't feel
like I have any control.
00:25:00.91\00:25:03.31
My emotional
junk is following me.
00:25:03.34\00:25:07.08
It's like tied to me.
Yeah. And I did things wrong.
00:25:07.11\00:25:10.87
I know I did, but I just
didn't know how to do them right
00:25:10.90\00:25:13.29
and I didn't have anybody
showing me how to do them right.
00:25:13.32\00:25:16.42
My grandparents were busy,
00:25:16.45\00:25:17.82
struggling with
trying do raise me.
00:25:17.85\00:25:19.65
You know, here I'm
this volatile teenager
00:25:19.68\00:25:21.94
and I've got, you
know, issues all over the map
00:25:21.97\00:25:24.46
and I'm grabbing onto
whatever is there as a lifeline,
00:25:24.49\00:25:27.94
just going
please somebody save me.
00:25:27.97\00:25:29.34
Whatever comforts you? Right.
00:25:29.37\00:25:30.80
And I go home to
New York in the summers
00:25:30.83\00:25:33.76
and I'll be back in that
volatile world of my home.
00:25:33.79\00:25:36.77
And so I would
just go out to any party
00:25:36.80\00:25:38.77
'cause there's
parties in New York City
00:25:38.80\00:25:41.27
that a teenager can get into.
00:25:41.30\00:25:43.23
And they'll hand you alcohol,
they'll hand you drugs then,
00:25:43.26\00:25:46.36
you know, and the backrooms
and, you know, sleep with you
00:25:46.39\00:25:49.74
because, you know,
hey, why not you're there?
00:25:49.77\00:25:52.07
So now that we talked about
00:25:52.10\00:25:53.47
during the first part
of the program is that
00:25:53.50\00:25:55.21
when you take
something or find something
00:25:55.24\00:25:57.73
that for even a
moment gives you comfort
00:25:57.76\00:26:00.50
how addicting that becomes.
00:26:00.53\00:26:02.26
It was very addictive. Yeah.
00:26:02.29\00:26:03.66
And for me, it was going to
guys and finding that love for,
00:26:03.69\00:26:06.36
even if it was
just for 15 minutes,
00:26:06.39\00:26:08.64
it was something
that I felt that was--
00:26:08.67\00:26:10.04
I just want to cry
for you 'cause, you know,
00:26:10.07\00:26:11.48
I know so many
kids that, you know,
00:26:11.51\00:26:14.73
for them to make a statement
00:26:14.76\00:26:16.16
even if it's just for 15
minutes, my heart breaks.
00:26:16.19\00:26:18.81
And I just want to say is,
man, we got to wake up to that.
00:26:18.84\00:26:22.80
We do. And it's I
don't think I'm the only one.
00:26:22.83\00:26:26.08
And I had friends who
just took it even further,
00:26:26.11\00:26:29.52
they got into prostitution,
they got into gangs.
00:26:29.55\00:26:32.79
You know, my
friends that I was in,
00:26:32.82\00:26:34.19
we took it to kind
of the occult level.
00:26:34.22\00:26:36.29
We got into
vampirism, which means
00:26:36.32\00:26:38.11
that if in order for me
to show that I trust you,
00:26:38.14\00:26:42.13
I have to let you hurt me.
00:26:42.16\00:26:44.51
So I'm gonna let you cut
me open and let me bleed.
00:26:44.54\00:26:47.93
And I'm gonna bleed for you
00:26:47.96\00:26:49.33
and that's how I'm
gonna prove that I trust you.
00:26:49.36\00:26:51.88
And that you're okay--
And people don't realize that
00:26:51.91\00:26:53.56
that is not an
uncommon thing, yeah.
00:26:53.59\00:26:56.51
No, it's not, you
know, cutting on yourself
00:26:56.54\00:26:58.90
'cause you're
in pain, it's like,
00:26:58.93\00:27:00.30
I'm gonna take this
trust level up a notch
00:27:00.33\00:27:02.66
'cause I need to
trust somebody that much.
00:27:02.69\00:27:04.21
Yeah, go ahead.
00:27:04.24\00:27:05.61
So, yeah, and then you take it,
00:27:05.64\00:27:08.74
you know, from just the trust
level into the sexual nature
00:27:08.77\00:27:11.15
and the whole thing just
become so ridiculously demonic.
00:27:11.18\00:27:14.70
I mean, it is,
it really truly is.
00:27:14.73\00:27:17.23
And it just distorts
your idea of what love is,
00:27:17.26\00:27:20.38
relationship is supposed
to be like and, you know,
00:27:20.41\00:27:23.70
what trust is
supposed to feel like,
00:27:23.73\00:27:25.38
and you don't feel
like, you can trust anybody
00:27:25.41\00:27:27.11
'cause even the
people you trust are
00:27:27.14\00:27:28.51
literally they're hurting you.
00:27:28.54\00:27:30.40
So I moved back with my parents
00:27:30.43\00:27:34.03
and got in with
another boyfriend
00:27:34.06\00:27:37.57
and I'm, you
know, it was pretty bad.
00:27:37.60\00:27:40.27
And being able to
say when you would say,
00:27:40.30\00:27:42.34
I moved back and I got
in with another boyfriend
00:27:42.37\00:27:44.49
is at that point in your life,
00:27:44.52\00:27:45.98
I don't know how
to stand on my own?
00:27:46.01\00:27:47.76
No. I have never done it.
00:27:47.79\00:27:49.16
And if somebody even said,
00:27:49.19\00:27:51.68
"You know, stand
up, just be yourself."
00:27:51.71\00:27:54.19
You're like,
what does that mean?
00:27:54.22\00:27:56.00
I had no idea.
00:27:56.03\00:27:57.40
And for me, I thought, you know,
00:27:57.43\00:27:58.80
if I move back
to with my parents
00:27:58.83\00:28:00.20
maybe I could start
over 'cause my mom was like,
00:28:00.23\00:28:02.07
"Well, you can
always start over."
00:28:02.10\00:28:04.51
And I totally believe that
you can truly always start over,
00:28:04.54\00:28:07.79
but at that point I maybe
started over 10 or 15 times.
00:28:07.82\00:28:11.41
And I didn't know
what that meant anymore.
00:28:11.44\00:28:13.76
So I know, you know,
00:28:13.79\00:28:16.60
that we are
like on a time limit,
00:28:16.63\00:28:19.26
just doing a program like this.
00:28:19.29\00:28:20.94
So I got to say,
you know, what happened?
00:28:20.97\00:28:23.32
What started this kind of?
How did you turn this around?
00:28:23.35\00:28:27.21
How did God come in?
00:28:27.24\00:28:29.11
'Cause I want to just grab you
00:28:29.14\00:28:30.66
and just rescue you
like, "Stop, don't do--"
00:28:30.69\00:28:33.23
Don't do
anymore. Don't do anymore.
00:28:33.26\00:28:35.96
Well, that boyfriend I'd gone
down to visit him in New York
00:28:35.99\00:28:38.95
and he had gotten pretty
tired of me at that point,
00:28:38.98\00:28:42.19
and so he was like,
"Well, how can I miss you
00:28:42.22\00:28:44.65
if you're never
gone type of thing."
00:28:44.68\00:28:46.33
Was what he told me?
And it's a same message.
00:28:46.36\00:28:48.69
The devil is so strategic.
00:28:48.72\00:28:50.09
If you don't sit
here, I will love you.
00:28:50.12\00:28:52.54
You know, the message
in your life it's like,
00:28:52.57\00:28:54.93
it's just the same.
00:28:54.96\00:28:56.45
And, you know, for
people in recovery,
00:28:56.48\00:28:58.83
I would love you to
start listening to the message
00:28:58.86\00:29:00.87
'cause a devil
doesn't change that much--
00:29:00.90\00:29:02.54
It doesn't, it's maybe
a work here or work there.
00:29:02.57\00:29:04.74
Yeah. And I was so broken.
00:29:04.77\00:29:06.62
I walked out to there
is a bridge near the mall
00:29:06.65\00:29:09.22
where I'd been and I
stood on the bridge and it was--
00:29:09.25\00:29:13.09
I don't know how
far above the water is,
00:29:13.12\00:29:15.05
but it's one of the
New York City bridges
00:29:15.08\00:29:16.90
and I was gonna jump off.
00:29:16.93\00:29:18.30
Right then in
there I had decided
00:29:18.33\00:29:20.47
and I started arguing with God.
00:29:20.50\00:29:22.53
Of all the things I'm
arguing with God about
00:29:22.56\00:29:24.89
why I'm gonna do this.
00:29:24.92\00:29:26.29
And I'm telling Him, "God,
it's not you, it's me really."
00:29:26.32\00:29:29.87
Yeah, I don't want You
to feel bad about this.
00:29:29.90\00:29:32.19
It's not your fault that
I'm gonna commit suicide.
00:29:32.22\00:29:34.50
You didn't do
anything. This is all me.
00:29:34.53\00:29:35.90
I just can't
make it work anymore.
00:29:35.93\00:29:38.15
And I heard God in my
head going don't--don't do it.
00:29:38.18\00:29:43.21
And I'm like,
"You don't understand."
00:29:43.24\00:29:45.59
I can't do it
anymore. I'm tired.
00:29:45.62\00:29:48.16
And I said, "God, I
need a different life."
00:29:48.19\00:29:50.58
And He goes, "If you don't do it
I'll give you a different life."
00:29:50.61\00:29:54.65
And I'm sooner going, "Well,
what if I got to loose really?"
00:29:54.68\00:29:59.78
You know, and I go, "Okay,
God, You're gonna have to put--
00:29:59.81\00:30:02.26
You're gonna
have to fix everything
00:30:02.29\00:30:03.89
'cause I have just completely
messed it up at this point."
00:30:03.92\00:30:06.49
And so I turned
around, walked off the bridge
00:30:06.52\00:30:10.65
which I have to explain.
00:30:10.68\00:30:12.05
The bridge I was on
nobody else was on it.
00:30:12.08\00:30:14.03
There were no cars passing by.
There were no people walking by.
00:30:14.06\00:30:16.60
If I'd jumped, nobody
would have been able to stop me.
00:30:16.63\00:30:19.62
And so I turned
around and I walked off
00:30:19.65\00:30:21.43
and I still had
two more low points
00:30:21.46\00:30:25.03
because I got
pregnant twice after that,
00:30:25.06\00:30:27.67
and I had two abortions.
00:30:27.70\00:30:29.60
And I really came this
close to committing suicide
00:30:29.63\00:30:33.23
after those because it was
just-- I was like, "That's it.
00:30:33.26\00:30:35.62
I've screwed it
up. I'm beyond fixing."
00:30:35.65\00:30:38.33
Even, you know, and to me
were there are lot of people
00:30:38.36\00:30:40.40
don't realize even when
you step into the, you know,
00:30:40.43\00:30:42.88
well, now I've hand an abortion
is not only have I hurt myself,
00:30:42.91\00:30:46.16
but I have hurt someone else,
I have murdered my own child,
00:30:46.19\00:30:49.49
and it almost seems
like there is no light
00:30:49.52\00:30:53.77
at the--there's-- I can't.
00:30:53.80\00:30:55.89
I'm not
redeemable. I'm not, yeah.
00:30:55.92\00:30:57.72
I've got--I got that
that I've gone too far.
00:30:57.75\00:31:00.77
And God kept working with
me, and kept working with me,
00:31:00.80\00:31:02.85
and kept working with me,
00:31:02.88\00:31:04.27
and I'd sit in the shower
and pour my heart out to God
00:31:04.30\00:31:07.57
and He's like,
"I'm gonna fix it.
00:31:07.60\00:31:08.97
I'm gonna fix it." Yeah.
00:31:09.00\00:31:10.37
And so that counseling thing
00:31:10.40\00:31:13.11
that I had with
that psychiatrist,
00:31:13.14\00:31:14.51
I remember looking at him
and thinking you're so awful.
00:31:14.54\00:31:17.26
Nobody should have to
have a psychiatrist like you.
00:31:17.29\00:31:19.59
So I spent-- from the time
00:31:19.62\00:31:21.07
I was 14 until the
time I completed college
00:31:21.10\00:31:23.85
and working in
psychiatric clinics
00:31:23.88\00:31:26.47
to get experience and I took
a bachelors degree in psychology
00:31:26.50\00:31:29.60
and I went and--right after that
00:31:29.63\00:31:31.00
I got my master's
degree in clinical psych.
00:31:31.03\00:31:33.07
'cause I said, "Nobody
should ever have to have
00:31:33.10\00:31:35.10
a counselor that does not care."
00:31:35.13\00:31:37.65
Yeah, that does
not even look at them.
00:31:37.68\00:31:39.47
And so I started
doing my internship
00:31:39.50\00:31:43.06
and I worked with kids
and I saw these kids who--
00:31:43.09\00:31:46.19
they might coming
from loving families,
00:31:46.22\00:31:47.66
it doesn't mean that
their parents don't love them,
00:31:47.69\00:31:49.16
but they're still floundering.
00:31:49.19\00:31:51.50
And I'm like, "These are kids
that we need to be reach out."
00:31:51.53\00:31:53.83
And I totally
understood, I totally got
00:31:53.86\00:31:55.68
where they were coming from
and I can look at them and go,
00:31:55.71\00:31:57.66
"Yeah, I get that.
00:31:57.69\00:31:59.06
I get where you're at
because I've been there."
00:31:59.09\00:32:01.34
Right. I understand, and--
00:32:01.37\00:32:03.49
Now what's really
interesting to me,
00:32:03.52\00:32:05.22
Asheley, is that I
really believe that probably
00:32:05.25\00:32:07.68
during even your education
00:32:07.71\00:32:09.08
that God did
incredible healing in your life.
00:32:09.11\00:32:11.10
There was--I think it
was, but it was so subtle,
00:32:11.13\00:32:14.32
I didn't know
when it was happening
00:32:14.35\00:32:16.30
because now I can sit there
00:32:16.33\00:32:17.70
and look at all
of them and I go,
00:32:17.73\00:32:19.10
"That's over there.
That's not me anymore."
00:32:19.13\00:32:22.13
To me, is the
counselor who wants to work
00:32:22.16\00:32:24.50
and help feel--help people
feel better about themselves
00:32:24.53\00:32:28.48
and find a way to
get pass that pain
00:32:28.51\00:32:31.74
and to have relationships.
00:32:31.77\00:32:33.80
When did you feel
like? You know what?
00:32:33.83\00:32:36.49
I think I'm in my own skin
and I like it 'cause I know--
00:32:36.52\00:32:41.93
I'm still getting there.
Good. But, you know what?
00:32:41.96\00:32:43.95
'Cause I've--you know, you
and I have had lunch before
00:32:43.98\00:32:46.11
and I sense that about you
is that God is allowing you,
00:32:46.14\00:32:50.49
you know, through the
count and through what you do,
00:32:50.52\00:32:52.81
but he is allowing
you to be in your own skin
00:32:52.84\00:32:54.71
and actually liking it.
00:32:54.74\00:32:56.51
So the healing even
though it's been subtle,
00:32:56.54\00:32:58.91
it has been relentless.
00:32:58.94\00:33:00.31
It has been.
00:33:00.34\00:33:01.71
It's--it took me getting married
and having three children.
00:33:01.74\00:33:05.73
In my head, this is
probably going to sound weird,
00:33:05.76\00:33:07.42
but I look at them as replacing
the two that I aborted,
00:33:07.45\00:33:11.78
but they are my life.
00:33:11.81\00:33:14.17
And everything I do--
my work, I do it for God.
00:33:14.20\00:33:18.00
And I can tell, He is
there, He talks back to me,
00:33:18.03\00:33:20.93
I have that
conversation and it's like,
00:33:20.96\00:33:23.40
I screwed up as my life
might be going for a moment.
00:33:23.43\00:33:26.27
I know that, "Hey,
he's gonna pull me through."
00:33:26.30\00:33:28.60
And now when I have
those moments of depression
00:33:28.63\00:33:30.60
'cause they still hit,
it's not gonna go away.
00:33:30.63\00:33:33.02
I don't have depression for
two weeks anymore at a time.
00:33:33.05\00:33:35.67
Now it's maybe I have a day
00:33:35.70\00:33:37.65
and I know who
my support group is,
00:33:37.68\00:33:39.67
I know who my friends
are that I can go to and go.
00:33:39.70\00:33:42.02
I'm--you got to help me.
00:33:42.05\00:33:43.42
I'm like totally
spiraling out here and they go,
00:33:43.45\00:33:46.18
"We're here
with you. It's okay."
00:33:46.21\00:33:48.38
And it's just awesome
to have that, and to know
00:33:48.41\00:33:50.71
that my husband
loves me for everything
00:33:50.74\00:33:53.14
and he knows
everything about me.
00:33:53.17\00:33:54.54
Right. And he loves me anyway.
00:33:54.57\00:33:55.94
Your friends love you.
Yeah, my friends love me.
00:33:55.97\00:33:58.22
You know, it's like, I
sit there and I go I have
00:33:58.25\00:34:00.09
everything now that I
wanted so much growing up.
00:34:00.12\00:34:03.83
Except for the
plane. Except for the plane.
00:34:03.86\00:34:06.20
But, you know, even--
You know, I have to say that,
00:34:06.23\00:34:08.66
you know, in all of our recovery
00:34:08.69\00:34:10.18
we do really
wanted to happen overnight
00:34:10.21\00:34:12.53
and God says,
"You got to trust me.
00:34:12.56\00:34:14.62
As you surrender to
me, as you really make
00:34:14.65\00:34:17.42
the commitment
like on the bridge,
00:34:17.45\00:34:18.82
you made a commitment to live,
00:34:18.85\00:34:20.22
as you make that
commitment I am going to--
00:34:20.25\00:34:22.33
you may not
even see the changes,
00:34:22.36\00:34:24.32
but I'm gonna make
changes in your life."
00:34:24.35\00:34:26.19
And so what I
think is hysterical about
00:34:26.22\00:34:28.80
where He is
taking you right now,
00:34:28.83\00:34:30.60
is that we go
to the same church.
00:34:30.63\00:34:32.27
Yeah. I love you.
00:34:32.30\00:34:34.03
You know, I watch you with
your kids, and your family.
00:34:34.06\00:34:36.85
And at one
point, we needed someone
00:34:36.88\00:34:39.64
to work with their adolescence.
00:34:39.67\00:34:41.37
Yes. Oh, my goodness.
00:34:41.40\00:34:43.25
I have to explain I
did not want to work
00:34:43.28\00:34:45.00
with adolescents
because I had been one
00:34:45.03\00:34:47.24
and I see here going, "Why
would I do this to myself?"
00:34:47.27\00:34:51.26
And I had a foreign
exchange student living with us
00:34:51.29\00:34:54.36
and she said, "Well,
00:34:54.39\00:34:55.76
I don't know
why I go to church."
00:34:55.79\00:34:57.16
And I sat there
and I went, it clicked,
00:34:57.19\00:34:59.26
you know, it's like
God was saying, "That's it.
00:34:59.29\00:35:00.94
That's why you've
got to go do this."
00:35:00.97\00:35:02.35
And I went, "Kids don't know.
00:35:02.38\00:35:05.26
They don't have that personal
relationship with Jesus."
00:35:05.29\00:35:08.01
And if we don't
help them develop that,
00:35:08.04\00:35:11.42
it doesn't matter what we teach
00:35:11.45\00:35:12.89
them about going to
church or how to live.
00:35:12.92\00:35:15.20
If they don't
have that relationship,
00:35:15.23\00:35:16.60
they're gonna end up
floundering just like I did.
00:35:16.63\00:35:18.41
Right, in not all kids,
but you're talking about,
00:35:18.44\00:35:20.24
you know, lot of
kids go, they don't know
00:35:20.27\00:35:22.00
why they're going, they're
not connecting with each other.
00:35:22.03\00:35:24.44
And your heart said,
"Oh, I remember that.
00:35:24.47\00:35:26.88
I know how that feels." Yes.
00:35:26.91\00:35:28.86
And you've got to have
something there to pull them in.
00:35:28.89\00:35:32.11
And I love
'cause at that moment,
00:35:32.14\00:35:33.86
you knew you had to say yes.
00:35:33.89\00:35:35.26
I was like, "Yeah, sort of
like you're going really, God,
00:35:35.29\00:35:37.15
you knew I didn't want
to work with adolescents."
00:35:37.18\00:35:39.15
And now I need to go around
help find the youth program
00:35:39.18\00:35:41.31
and we've been running it.
00:35:41.34\00:35:42.71
And I'm having the
best time in my life.
00:35:42.74\00:35:44.85
The kids that I worked with,
00:35:44.88\00:35:46.80
you know, they are just
some of the most awesome kids--
00:35:46.83\00:35:49.83
With issues-- And they do.
00:35:49.86\00:35:51.27
They all have--they all
have their issues even if it's,
00:35:51.30\00:35:53.76
you know, time management some
of them are doing really great
00:35:53.79\00:35:56.16
and they just have time
management issues for school.
00:35:56.19\00:35:58.77
Other kids, you
know, their world might
00:35:58.80\00:36:00.79
as well just be
completely upside down.
00:36:00.82\00:36:02.80
They don't know what house
00:36:02.83\00:36:04.20
they're gonna
live in this weekend,
00:36:04.23\00:36:05.60
you know, they don't
know what's happening,
00:36:05.63\00:36:07.59
and they're just
going, "What do we do?
00:36:07.62\00:36:10.92
How do we make this work?"
00:36:10.95\00:36:12.70
And so to me,
it's--can you explain
00:36:12.73\00:36:16.38
how God not only
reaches in our life
00:36:16.41\00:36:18.81
'cause I loved the way
He reached in your life
00:36:18.84\00:36:20.61
even on that bridge and
all through your education,
00:36:20.64\00:36:23.98
but then how does He
wake up that passion and,
00:36:24.01\00:36:26.38
you know, that that's--that's
00:36:26.41\00:36:28.27
what He anointed me for,
that's what this gift is for.
00:36:28.30\00:36:31.21
It was kind of like,
I sat there and I went,
00:36:31.24\00:36:32.88
when I'm arguing back with God,
00:36:32.91\00:36:34.52
it's probably
something I'm supposed to do.
00:36:34.55\00:36:38.31
And the more I've
started working with the kids
00:36:38.34\00:36:40.57
and seeing what they needed,
the more I sat there I went,
00:36:40.60\00:36:43.21
"Hey, I know how to fix
that because I've been there,
00:36:43.24\00:36:47.02
I've had that peace missing,
so I know how to fill that in."
00:36:47.05\00:36:51.87
And we started making
relationships with the kids
00:36:51.90\00:36:54.85
and they know that they
can come to us whenever.
00:36:54.88\00:36:58.21
I've got-- I've got
00:36:58.24\00:36:59.61
what I call a
24-hours cell phone service.
00:36:59.64\00:37:01.22
You can call me
up anytime of the day
00:37:01.25\00:37:02.82
and I will talk with you.
00:37:02.85\00:37:04.33
I've had kids call me up
in the middle of the night--
00:37:04.36\00:37:06.76
And, you know,
what really interesting?
00:37:06.79\00:37:08.16
I've got to say for somebody
that will think, you know,
00:37:08.19\00:37:09.99
that sounds a little
bit codependent or whatever.
00:37:10.02\00:37:12.90
Some of the kids that we
have are literally in blended
00:37:12.93\00:37:16.77
families, mothers an addict,
dealing with that kind of stuff.
00:37:16.80\00:37:20.56
And so what you and your husband
00:37:20.59\00:37:21.96
decided is to behave--
let these kids have access
00:37:21.99\00:37:25.96
to their youth
directors at the church.
00:37:25.99\00:37:29.05
And so, you know,
even though it may sound.
00:37:29.08\00:37:33.28
I mean, there is little
bit of be careful with that.
00:37:33.31\00:37:36.14
You guys are careful with that.
We are very careful with it.
00:37:36.17\00:37:38.58
And part of that thing to is
I'm a--since I'm a counselor,
00:37:38.61\00:37:40.96
I'm a licensed counselor now,
especially in the city of Idaho.
00:37:40.99\00:37:44.75
It's very--I have to be
very careful with my boundaries.
00:37:44.78\00:37:48.88
So the kids know
that the girls come to me.
00:37:48.91\00:37:52.90
The boys go to my husband Brad,
00:37:52.93\00:37:55.12
and we have a very
strict boundary on here's
00:37:55.15\00:37:58.04
what we're gonna do and
here's when we can do it,
00:37:58.07\00:38:00.39
but if you are in crisis
don't-- you know, not call me,
00:38:00.42\00:38:03.92
call me 'cause if
you're-- if you're not point of,
00:38:03.95\00:38:06.39
you know, downing
the bottle's pills.
00:38:06.42\00:38:07.83
I'd rather have you
on the phone with me
00:38:07.86\00:38:09.49
because I can call
the emergency services--
00:38:09.52\00:38:11.71
And we're your church?
00:38:11.74\00:38:13.60
Yeah, I'm part of
your church family,
00:38:13.63\00:38:15.00
and it's like, I
want to be there for you
00:38:15.03\00:38:16.68
and not make you feel like,
00:38:16.71\00:38:18.08
you have nobody
that you can turn so.
00:38:18.11\00:38:20.09
So now the next thing
which I think is funny.
00:38:20.12\00:38:22.59
So the next thing is
you and your husband decide
00:38:22.62\00:38:29.42
that maybe the
church is in our conference,
00:38:29.45\00:38:33.33
so it's like I love
the way God does that,
00:38:33.36\00:38:35.43
it's like okay so now our youth
group is running really well.
00:38:35.46\00:38:37.63
Yeah. Yeah.
00:38:37.66\00:38:39.30
Kids are feeling
comfortable coming to Christ,
00:38:39.33\00:38:42.42
literally having a
stronger relationship
00:38:42.45\00:38:45.04
and being able to just settle
in who they are spiritually,
00:38:45.07\00:38:48.37
having a connection
with the body, I mean,
00:38:48.40\00:38:51.62
you know, when they walk around,
00:38:51.65\00:38:53.02
they really look at
everybody as family now,
00:38:53.05\00:38:55.03
so all of that is
being developed really well.
00:38:55.06\00:38:57.65
And then God tells you well,
00:38:57.68\00:38:59.05
what about the other
churches in the conference.
00:38:59.08\00:39:00.49
It was, He didn't
just tell me later.
00:39:00.52\00:39:02.40
It was like I got the
whole thing in one whammy.
00:39:02.43\00:39:05.07
It was just we're gonna
do all of it at one time
00:39:05.10\00:39:07.86
and the first thing was to
fix the church that you're in.
00:39:07.89\00:39:10.71
So we started
working on the program.
00:39:10.74\00:39:12.56
And then I sat
there and I went, well,
00:39:12.59\00:39:13.96
why is our church here and there
is another church over here
00:39:13.99\00:39:16.62
and there is like
another church over here
00:39:16.65\00:39:18.09
and we're not
talking and I had and idea
00:39:18.12\00:39:20.69
who my conference
leaders, you know,
00:39:20.72\00:39:23.64
who they were and
how I suppose to utilize
00:39:23.67\00:39:25.77
those resources and God's like,
I would love to see happen.
00:39:25.80\00:39:30.88
And He is telling me, this
kind of like inside of my head
00:39:30.91\00:39:33.18
type of thing is we need to get
00:39:33.21\00:39:35.24
the churches
working together, you know--
00:39:35.27\00:39:37.07
Especially with our
youth, yeah. With our youth.
00:39:37.10\00:39:39.39
And so now we're working there,
00:39:39.42\00:39:41.56
I've been meeting with
some of the other church leaders
00:39:41.59\00:39:43.82
and youth leaders specifically.
00:39:43.85\00:39:45.37
And we're looking
at how do we bring
00:39:45.40\00:39:46.77
the youth
together for big events
00:39:46.80\00:39:48.72
to just get that
support system going.
00:39:48.75\00:39:51.71
And it doesn't mean that we're
gonna do everything that way,
00:39:51.74\00:39:53.94
I mean, we still have
our own little church events,
00:39:53.97\00:39:56.13
but now we're taking it
to the conference level,
00:39:56.16\00:39:57.88
so that the kids
see that they have
00:39:57.91\00:39:59.28
this whole
network that is out there.
00:39:59.31\00:40:01.29
And, you know,
what I love is that,
00:40:01.32\00:40:04.79
because of where
you're wounded and that says,
00:40:04.82\00:40:08.45
you are stepping into the church
00:40:08.48\00:40:10.27
and healing that
wound for the church,
00:40:10.30\00:40:13.47
because God healed it for you.
00:40:13.50\00:40:15.02
And that's where I think
that recovery and spirituality
00:40:15.05\00:40:18.97
and who got is
it's just brilliant.
00:40:19.00\00:40:21.10
I think, you know, I
want to kiss, God on the face,
00:40:21.13\00:40:23.17
I just think you're
brilliant that He just takes
00:40:23.20\00:40:25.69
everything about who
we are and blesses us.
00:40:25.72\00:40:29.36
I would like to open it up.
00:40:29.39\00:40:31.61
We don't have a
much time, but open it up
00:40:31.64\00:40:33.35
for a few
questions before we close.
00:40:33.38\00:40:36.21
And so I know that, you know,
00:40:36.24\00:40:38.51
you guys have been
just hearing this testimony
00:40:38.54\00:40:41.28
and this incredible journey
00:40:41.31\00:40:43.00
and so I was wondering if anyone
had a question for Asheley.
00:40:43.03\00:40:48.27
I've one. So Brad.
00:40:48.30\00:40:50.28
Asheley, I just want
to say, thank you so much,
00:40:50.31\00:40:52.16
for sharing us someone
who I've seen in my church
00:40:52.19\00:40:54.56
I had no idea and
just God bless you.
00:40:54.59\00:40:57.84
My question to you,
00:40:57.87\00:40:59.24
and Cheri and I are
actually are parents of a child
00:40:59.27\00:41:02.69
who took a bottle of pills once.
00:41:02.72\00:41:05.69
And I want to, you
know, having to go with her
00:41:05.72\00:41:07.61
to a psych facility which
for a few hours and stuff.
00:41:07.64\00:41:10.81
Can you, talk just a
little bit of more about
00:41:10.84\00:41:13.54
like teen suicidal
just say even in Idaho?
00:41:13.57\00:41:17.05
Teen suicide it's
a big problem like
00:41:17.08\00:41:20.10
I know the statistics
kind of change every year
00:41:20.13\00:41:23.18
and what the rate is, but I
think what I saw this last time
00:41:23.21\00:41:26.10
was that Idaho ranks number
third in the nation for suicide.
00:41:26.13\00:41:29.76
I think Washington and
Alaska were head of us.
00:41:29.79\00:41:33.48
So it's a real issue and
what it is a lack of kids
00:41:33.51\00:41:37.69
feeling like they have
somebody they can go to
00:41:37.72\00:41:40.38
talk about their problems
and the pain just builds up.
00:41:40.41\00:41:43.46
And so they're only out.
00:41:43.49\00:41:45.87
It seems to them is that
they feel is to commit suicide,
00:41:45.90\00:41:49.17
because
everything else, you know,
00:41:49.20\00:41:51.61
it might look
perfect from the outside,
00:41:51.64\00:41:53.50
but what's going on
inside is not perfect
00:41:53.53\00:41:56.31
and so that's tends to be
what I think happens is that,
00:41:56.34\00:42:01.46
you know, they feel
like I've got nobody
00:42:01.49\00:42:02.96
I can talk to about this,
nobody is gonna understand.
00:42:02.99\00:42:05.64
I don't want to
go to mom and dad,
00:42:05.67\00:42:07.04
'cause mom and dad
will wholly freak out which,
00:42:07.07\00:42:09.28
you know, we
do, we do freak out,
00:42:09.31\00:42:10.80
because something is wrong with
our kid and we want to fix it.
00:42:10.83\00:42:13.77
But they don't feel like
they have somebody safe that--
00:42:13.80\00:42:15.71
And even so when they do go
to somebody and there are times
00:42:15.74\00:42:18.08
when people say,"Oh, you
shouldn't feel that way."
00:42:18.11\00:42:20.60
Instead of
allowing them to feel.
00:42:20.63\00:42:23.10
We have one more
question, Melody,
00:42:23.13\00:42:25.21
I know that you had a question.
00:42:25.24\00:42:27.08
Yes, Asheley, I think
you're remarkable lady,
00:42:27.11\00:42:29.26
but I want you to expand
00:42:29.29\00:42:30.66
a little bit more
on that vampirism.
00:42:30.69\00:42:32.89
I've never heard of that before.
00:42:32.92\00:42:34.54
Okay, vampirism for those
who don't know it's technically
00:42:34.57\00:42:38.21
it's a sexual fetish which
does not make it in addiction,
00:42:38.24\00:42:41.70
but it can also become
an addiction and what it is,
00:42:41.73\00:42:44.93
is you literally you
cut on your skin anywhere,
00:42:44.96\00:42:48.60
you know, it can be
here, it can be on your arm
00:42:48.63\00:42:51.13
and you allow somebody
else to drink your blood.
00:42:51.16\00:42:53.73
And the idea is that
it's a form of trust building
00:42:53.76\00:42:58.51
if you're taking on that level,
00:42:58.54\00:42:59.98
if you're taking it on
the relationship level,
00:43:00.01\00:43:01.80
it's a form of trust where
I'm trusting you to hurt me,
00:43:01.83\00:43:05.65
but not cut me so bad
00:43:05.68\00:43:07.31
that I will bleed
to death type of thing.
00:43:07.34\00:43:09.87
And it's a very--I don't
even know how to put it nicely.
00:43:09.90\00:43:14.89
It's just a very distorted view
00:43:14.92\00:43:16.62
of what a relationship
is supposed to be like,
00:43:16.65\00:43:19.08
what trust and love
are supposed to be--
00:43:19.11\00:43:21.45
And you have, you
have books and movies
00:43:21.48\00:43:24.47
all about kind of the
vampires and romantic, suspense
00:43:24.50\00:43:30.29
and really seductive thing
00:43:30.32\00:43:33.26
and so that has
kind of blood into
00:43:33.29\00:43:35.76
how people want to be looked at.
00:43:35.79\00:43:37.71
I want to be other worldly.
00:43:37.74\00:43:39.59
I don't want to
be in my own skin.
00:43:39.62\00:43:41.46
And when you don't
like being in your own skin
00:43:41.49\00:43:43.24
and you've been wounded for
that long to have some escape
00:43:43.27\00:43:46.38
whether it was like
what you did with books.
00:43:46.41\00:43:48.46
And I did with Nancy Drew
00:43:48.49\00:43:49.86
or I'm gonna
become the walking dead.
00:43:49.89\00:43:52.37
I'm gonna become a
vampire, it really does build up
00:43:52.40\00:43:55.99
its own society
and there is it's huge.
00:43:56.02\00:43:58.24
It is huge, there are clubs,
there are underground societies.
00:43:58.27\00:44:02.27
There are, you
know, it's own world.
00:44:02.30\00:44:04.68
It's huge.
00:44:04.71\00:44:06.24
You know, we're
gonna go ahead and break
00:44:06.27\00:44:08.16
and I--even want to
come back and close this,
00:44:08.19\00:44:10.81
but I'd like you to join me,
00:44:10.84\00:44:12.21
'cause I know that you
have a few more things to say,
00:44:12.24\00:44:14.52
you know, we could do
another program altogether,
00:44:14.55\00:44:16.52
but few more things to say
00:44:16.55\00:44:17.98
and then I want you to
talk to someone out there
00:44:18.01\00:44:20.20
that maybe is feeling alone,
00:44:20.23\00:44:22.35
standing on a bridge
even in there own head.
00:44:22.38\00:44:24.58
So we'll be right back.
00:44:24.61\00:44:25.98
Thank you, for staying with
us this long, but don't go away.
00:44:26.01\00:44:28.73