The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome to
"Celebrating Life in Recovery."
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I'm Cheri, your host,
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and today we're gonna talk about
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where does our
dysfunction start from
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and its surprising to me
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some of it starts
from right in the home.
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Come join us in the cafe.
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Welcome back, you know,
I always work with folks
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that have incredible
issues all over the world.
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You know, whether
its drugs, alcohol,
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sexual issues, addictions.
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They're pretty intense.
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But I know, when I meet somebody
that it didn't start there.
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It didn't start
with them all the sudden
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slamming a bottle of tequila.
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It started long before that.
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So we're gonna talk a little bit
about what starts addictions?
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May--what is the foundations
of some of our additions
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and what hijacks us.
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You know, because we really
are hijacked by that stuff
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and so I want to just say
welcome for everybody here.
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Welcome to the cafe
I'm so glad you're here.
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Actually we're gonna
get to hear your story today
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and I love you and...
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but this part is really
kind of important stuff.
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One of the things that
I know about kids is that
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they learn a ton of stuff
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between ages zero and
three or zero and five.
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I mean, they just
learn a ton of stuff.
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Now put a normal child the baby
in a really dysfunctional home.
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So you put a child in a home
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that none of the
rules are the same.
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Nobody is doing the right thing.
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Mom and dad may be dealing
with their own addictions,
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whether it's alcohol or some
of their more hidden addictions
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where they're dealing
with all that kind of stuff.
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And you have this
kid that tries to grow up
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and tries to
decide for the rules.
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What are the
rules in this house?
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And it's weird
because sometimes,
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now I grew up with my folks
been into drugs and alcohol.
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And so I could run in the
house and one time I'd run in
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and everybody wants to throw you
up in the air and they're happy
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and they're kissing
you all over the face
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and the next
minute it's a disaster.
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The next minute
something happens
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and everybody's at each
other or you know whatever.
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So in an addictive home
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the cycles are
just all over the place
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and really
nothing can be trusted.
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And kids know right away
that this may not be safe.
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And what's really dreadful for
a child from an alcoholic home
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or drug addict home
or even sexual addictions
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because sometimes we
think our hidden addictions
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don't effect our kids, oh, man,
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they do because
you are not present.
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You know, so anyhow even those
kind of homes is this child--
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even those things
start to look good
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and the child
should be able to relax,
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when things are
going well but they don't.
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They have a sense
of doom, like I know,
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I know something is
gonna happen any minute.
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And so they kind of wait
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so they really can get involved
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and whatever is happening
and its safe right now,
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nobody's yelling or whatever.
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But underneath
all that as I know
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that something is gonna happen.
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And something develops
in them that says I need,
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I need to kind of escape
or to distract myself I...
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you know, I need
something this kind of normal
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and because they
desperately want that.
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And so what a child
from an alcoholichome
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or an addictive home
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starts to look for
what suits them, you know.
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Now what, if it's a
video game, you know,
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I can get on this video game
and I can have a great time.
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I'm not thinking about anything,
I could care less everything
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could be falling apart
all around me and that's okay
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'cause I'm fine and I'm
playing the game, and I'm.
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And so what happens
is an addiction start.
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Not all video
games are addictive
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but when you have dysfunction
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and this game actually
comforts me in someway,
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that's the seed of an addiction.
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Because I get
comforted emotionally,
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I get safe if I--
it feels good to me,
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I somehow get out of the chaos
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and it could be some
kids reach for food, you know.
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I start slamming some
stuff and I feel better
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and food addiction started.
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And then that whole
cycle for them start
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or the first
time you take drugs,
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I'm in this crazy
home and somebody gives me
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some weed and I laugh
and I could care less.
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Yet that seeds
starts for a normal child
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that may not be that intense
but when you have somebody
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that's been in this crazy home,
those things really set us up.
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There is something that
happens in the crazy home too
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that's call addictive logic.
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Dad comes home and let's
say your dad is alcoholic,
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a gambler and he comes home
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and he's angry and
he puts on the T.V.
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and every
interaction is intense.
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And the kid says to
mom, what's dad angry about?
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Well he just had
a bad day at work.
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Well, does that mean
he can hate you like that?
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Does that mean he
can yell at me like that?
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And so the addictive logic is
that child's knows in their mind
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that's crazy, you
know, what do you mean.
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He just had a bad day
at work so he comes in
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and everything is just kind
of the whole house is walking
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on eggshells and everybody
is fearful or whatever.
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That sentence doesn't make sense
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but they try to make
it make sense, right.
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And so addictive logic
says, if somebody is saying
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one thing, why did dad hit me.
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Well, I didn't
have the dishes done.
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Why did dad did?
What is that hit us.
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Why does mom, why
is mom in bed all day?
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Instead of saying
because she's an addict
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and she is
passed out, you just say
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something like
she's got she sick,
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well she's been
sick for three years.
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You know, what I mean.
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But a child tries to
figure out how that makes sense.
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And so that logic
doesn't compute at all
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and what most kids
do in that environment
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is they will try to
distract themselves.
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We've talked this season about
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what hijacks
your pleasure center.
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And so we have a pleasure center
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and the pleasure center in our
brain is supposed to be there--
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we're supposed to love life.
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You know, when I go
swimming it feels good.
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When I take a
walk, it feels good.
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When I'm laughing with
friends, it feels good.
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But when everything is trash
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and I have this kind
of crazy logic in my home,
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it doesn't make sense.
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That I'm gonna look
for something to stimulate
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that center and usually
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with dysfunction
is gonna be addictive.
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And so children are
setup really, really early
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and they do behaviorally
they're more at risk,
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you know, they're
gonna be the skateboard
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that literally wants to skate on
the side of seven story house,
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you know, our building or
they gonna want to go on rails
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and they gonna want to do some
high risk kind of activities.
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And so those seeds that
are planted in the homes
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of alcoholics or addicts
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even for their kids really
setup the next generation.
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And the reason I like to go
over that is when you talk about
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addicts, man, like I
said at the beginning,
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we don't just became addicts.
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We really are kind of
grown into that at some level
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and when I do my recovery,
lot of times people will say,
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you know, when I do my
recovery I'll just stop using,
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I'll just stop drinking,
I'll just get off on a line
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and not do the
sexual stuff anymore.
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But it's more than that.
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It's that a lot
of times four people
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that have learn this
addictive logic for people
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who have learn not to trust
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their own
environment to the world,
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they don't even know
kind of what is normal
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and what's not because I
never had that in my home
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is that you get to.
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You get to learn that now.
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I just want to say
that in the best way,
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is some people say,
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well, I don't want to
learn that now, I know.
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But baby you
get to learn it now.
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And when I got into
recovery and I got that,
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there is more hope
in that, that you know
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I have to admit to God
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and someone else that
I don't know how to act.
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I don't know how to socialize.
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I don't know how
to do this, you know,
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kind of assess my environment
because my environment was never
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trustworthy when
I was growing up.
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But I get to learn it now
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and as you start
to surrender to that,
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as you let God
direct you in that,
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as you hook up
with other people,
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either in a recovery
group or group of adult,
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children of
alcoholics or a group of people
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that were on the same
way you were going through.
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It's so incredible to sit
there and say I never knew
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what's normal and
the whole group laugh.
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Because they
never knew what's normal
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and the fact that you get
to learn now is incredible.
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So don't think when
you get into recovery
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that you're just going to
look at the addictive substance.
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That is just like kind
of the top of the iceberg.
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You have all of the stuff
that you get to look at to
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and when you do,
you get your life back.
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You know, for the
first time in my life,
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I actually-- can
I say I feel normal
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and not feel like I'm lying.
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I feel closer to normal.
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And I may never get to
be the person that says,
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oh, yeah I'm normal now
and--but I'm okay with that now.
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You know, I have a
husband that loves me
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and I have a family that I love.
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And I have
humanity that I fit into
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and for the
first time I feel safe.
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I have safe places
all those kind of things
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because I started to
really look at all of the things
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I didn't learn and
decide to learn them now.
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I'm gonna introduce
you to a friend of mine
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who's gonna be on the program.
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And this friend really is
going to look at her own life
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and some of these kind of issues
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and what did she do
with people around her
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now 'cause she
kind of teaches people
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how to confront those issues
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and how to be
normal, I love that.
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We'll right back, stay with us.
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