Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery,
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my name is Cheri your host.
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Sometimes we have
issues that are so big we think
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that God can even
reach that area and
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I'm telling you He can.
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Come in and join
us it is way cool.
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Welcome back!
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You know I was reading
in Psalms 51 where God says,
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according to your loving
kindness, according to your
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mercies, according to all
that kind of stuff, please,
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please wash me clean.
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And I love that
because when I came to Christ
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I was such a mess and I
thought, how are You ever
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going to ever do this.
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And it goes on to read,
and I'm not going to read the
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whole thing because
I'm not good at that,
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but I went on to read in
that Psalms about all this
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stuff that had
happened in David's life,
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and I was of course
thinking about my own life.
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It got to the part where
it says whatever you decide
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about Me, what ever
Your judgments are about Me,
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they are 100% right on.
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Then I read that He
decides that I'm not guilty.
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Then he laid all that on
Christ, Christ took it all.
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He said I just want to
wash you clean and want to
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restore in you all the stuff.
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I want to give you a
new heart, and a new mind,
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and all those kind of things.
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And by the time I get to
that part I'm just delighted.
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I'm thinking are you kidding
me, with everything in my
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background you are going to
restore all that back to me?
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You are going to not only
just fix the heart inside me,
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you're going to
actually give me a new one
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and I'm so grateful.
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Then I read this part
where it says, the reason I'm
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going to do that is because
I want you to turn around
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and help someone else,
bring someone else out of the
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very thing that you came out of.
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Please let them know
that I'm bigger than that,
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let them know
that I can restore you.
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So right now I'm
letting you know, God is bigger
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than that and
He can restore you.
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A want to introduce
you to some friends of mine
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who have come from
some pretty intense places,
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but God is bigger.
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So I wanted to say that
I'm so glad Sarai you are
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on the program and Charlie.
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I have heard your testimony,
and I have heard where
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you come from, I've
heard where you are, and I have
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been in your place of Ministry,
and been blessed by you.
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but I'm going to
take you all the way back,
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Sarai and ask you where did you
first start turning toward God?
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I actually first
started turning toward God at a
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brothel called the
Chicken Ranch, where I was an
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employed
prostitute, a legal prostitute
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near Nevada, near Las Vegas.
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But that's not really, I
would have to back up because
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if I just start here it
will be a little confusing.
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Cheri: right, and you
were young at that point?
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I was 21 years of age
when I came to know Jesus.
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Cheri: prostitute
working in Vegas and so when you
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say I have to go back,
take us back how do you get
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to that point at 21 years old?
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For me how I got to
that point, my mom raised me
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as an Orthodox Jew.
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My dad had a form of
Satanism as his religion and
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his lifestyle and he
was also an alcoholic.
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So I grew up all one side
of my family, strict rules
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according to the Old
Testament by the book.
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My mom was a severely
hurt woman, had schizophrenia,
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have a lot of issues
that she was dealing with.
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That obviously when
you have a dad - so let me,
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when you just say, a
cause a lot of people.
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Because I have a lot of
junk in my own life so when
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someone says my
mom was schizophrenic,
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are you talking about
diagnosed schizophrenic and
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if you are, what does
that mean for somebody that
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doesn't know, what does
that look like in your home?
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Would it look like my
home is a lady who goes in
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fits of severe depression
were she can't get out
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of bed for 3 or
4 days at a time.
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When she comes out of
that depression she begins
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to hallucinate and she
is paranoid and thinks that
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people are trying to get her.
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Cheri: even her
children at times.
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Even her children are
trying to get her, her husband,
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outside people from
the synagogue whatever
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are trying to get her.
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Now that is what she
was diagnosed, I don't know
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that she was all that
paranoid or schizophrenic in
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reality knowing what I know now.
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But it took some time
to get to what I know now.
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With my dad having a
form of Satanism I was used
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in several rituals that
would cause him to have more
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power in his group of
people that he belonged to.
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In these rituals he
would do things like hit me
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over the head on a
weekly basis and crack my head
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open and wait for
the blood to let out.
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He would take me to a
graveyard and there were be a
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group of people and it
would take several of us young
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girls, I was probably 3
or 4 years old at the time,
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and they would bury us alive.
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They would have a small
pipe sticking out of the
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coffin and they would
literally go through the whole
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thing of burying us and
we did not realize there
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was a pipe sticking through it.
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It was all a part of, in
their twisted little covenant,
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it was more of a scare
tactic type of thing to go
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through the mock
ritualistic things.
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What is really interesting
to me and I didn't know
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this for a while, is
that in some of those satanic
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cults is that energy,
that fear comes off people and
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they suck it
into their own person.
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There is a belief that
they get energy from that fear.
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So the fear can't be
token, it has to be realized
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Sarai: it has to be real
for it to count, - exactly.
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You know when you said
that,3 and 4 years old my heart
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just went oh man, because
for some reason you see it
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in the movies and you
don't think it is actually real.
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You want to block that
and say that couldn't possibly
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happen and yet I'm looking
at you and saying, I'm sorry.
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So how did, what
happened from that point?
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Well I would like to
explain the rituals and what got
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me to the point of
prostitution is there were those
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type of issues, those type
of things running through a
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graveyard thinking there
were dead bodies hanging from
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trees and I am trying to escape.
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and there are several children,
and it's these types of
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issues, having a goats
inners cut out and being
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placed inside of a goat
with different incantations
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spoken over you,
things to those affects.
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So on one hand I am going
through this stuff and then
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on the other hand with
my mom, it's rigid Judaism.
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It is following the ten
Commandments, it is sacrifices.
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Having my pet pigeons in
the backyard and having them
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sacrificed every time I
committed a sin come every time
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I spoke back to my
parents - because she literally
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- she literally went
according to the law.
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She would take my sister
and I and ties to a pepper tree
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out our backyard and lash
us 39 times according to law.
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Just things like this,
she would put us in potatoes
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sacks and put fireplace
ashes inside of the potato
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sack, and place us inside
of it, and put us in a large
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outdoor barbecue that is
about 3 or 4 times the size of
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this table, and leave us
out there for days at a time.
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To repent in sack
cloth and ashes - wow!
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Life has to appear
normal, I'm sorry did you
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want to say something?
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Life at the same time,
going to Temple would have
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to appear normal.
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So for me what I was
able to do without knowing it,
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I was able to disassociate.
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When I say disassociate, I
mean - God bless you for that.
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- Praise God for that.
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Cheri: you know a lot of
people do not understand that.
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You know a child coming
from that much junk, if you
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don't find something
that is going to work for you,
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you will literally die.
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Because it's how can I
survive this, and you said I
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survive this by
dissociation, but explain to us
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what does that mean?
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It means, look at
this glass of water.
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If I am going through
such terrible trauma that I
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can't bear it and you
just think of this little
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girl saying I can't
believe this is happening to me.
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It can't be happening,
this is not real, this isn't
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happening and you are
just looking into this glass
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and it literally can go way.
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You just I would look at
the light, or I would look
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at something and I will
go away in this other part of
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me, the other part of
myself would take up and
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imagine itself to be
strong enough to handle
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whatever the pain
was that was going on.
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Whether it was sexual
abuse at the time, the fear,
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the panic, what ever it was.
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At the time of my first
suicide attempt where it
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finally became
known to other people,
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I was 4 years old.
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I had my first suicide
attempt, I had slit my arms
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from my wrist all the way up
to my elbows with a steak knife.
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They had to end up taking
me in to a hospital to get
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stitched up and that
was the first time anything.
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Cheri: let me just say
something, before I ended up
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going into nursing program
and worked Psyche for awhile
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I worked a children's unit
and I couldn't believe when
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3 and 4-year-old come into the
hospital with suicide attempts.
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So the only reason I want
to say that is for a lot of
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people they'll say
no way not that young.
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I'm just here to
validate you, yes that young.
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Kids sometimes don't even
know what it means, I just
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can't do this anymore.
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You just said as a
child I can't do this, I can't
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survive one more day.
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Right, and it was severe,
I don't know for was on a
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daily basis or every week
or every few months, but it
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but it was continuous enough
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and it was one
thing after another.
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The Judaism stuff
going on with my mom.
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He was the Satanism
stuff going on with my dad.
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I had two older brothers
that were sexually abusive to my
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sister and I and then they
would involve their friends.
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We were gang raped
on the way to school.
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On a normal school day
you would get up, make your
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breakfast and get out the door.
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You would walk three
blocks to the school and a block
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away from school there we
are with five guys that are
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my brothers friends
coming and gang raping us and
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dumping us in the large
green garbage dumpsters and
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piling rocks on top
so we couldn't get out.
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Then a garbage truck
would come by and find us there.
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This was a daily life
type of thing, so at the age,
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I could go back into a
lot of different stuff but I
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won't go into it were
sake of time for the show.
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But that is just
to give you an idea.
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My mom had been an
actress before she was a big
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movie star, singer,
dancer in Spain before coming
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to the United States.
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It was all about performance,
it was all about you
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are here to please your man.
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All woman is good for
is having sex and you need
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to be good at it,
so we were trained.
00:11:42.75\00:11:44.74
My sister and I were
trained that you need to
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look good, you
need to sound good,
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this is what it was about.
00:11:48.89\00:11:51.16
That along with all
of the sexual abuse stuff
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going on, later
getting into pornography by the
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time it was 8 years
old, I was in full-time
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pornography with my brothers.
00:12:00.76\00:12:03.28
I finally got placed
in a home for abused kids
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this is after about 30
different foster placements
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when it started showing
in school, not being able to
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concentrate, not
being able to - so someone
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stepped in at one time.
00:12:21.78\00:12:23.24
Sarai: Several times,
at the first foster place I
00:12:23.27\00:12:27.72
was about 9 years old at
the first foster placement.
00:12:27.75\00:12:32.09
It was where my
parents ended up divorcing when
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I was 6, but the
custody battle went on all the
00:12:35.09\00:12:39.83
way until I was
15, but neither one of
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them really wanted us.
00:12:43.46\00:12:44.84
In all fairness I need
to say this, my mom was a
00:12:44.87\00:12:47.75
sick lady, but she loved
me with a passion which is
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really hard for some
people to understand.
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She loved me more than
anyone could ever imagine
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and there is something
about who I am now that came
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from what ever
lovingness I have in me,
00:13:05.73\00:13:08.66
that has stayed
with me came from her.
00:13:08.69\00:13:11.79
She is dead now, she
committed suicide when
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I was 21, but I
wanted to put that in there
00:13:14.00\00:13:17.17
as part of my testimony.
00:13:17.20\00:13:18.62
Your mom, it sounds like she
tried to do the best she could
00:13:18.65\00:13:23.63
through this schizophrenia,
through the mental
00:13:23.66\00:13:25.57
illness and I just want
to say thank you for saying
00:13:25.60\00:13:27.77
that because a lot of people
really struggle with that.
00:13:27.80\00:13:31.06
A lot of people really
want to do the right thing,
00:13:31.09\00:13:33.30
want to say the right
thing, want to love their kids.
00:13:33.33\00:13:35.28
They are twisted with
generational mental illness.
00:13:35.31\00:13:39.01
See this is how I see it,
I think that my mom's heart
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was that she wanted so
much for us not to suffer
00:13:42.90\00:13:45.58
the way that she did.
00:13:45.61\00:13:46.85
That she wanted us to have
a strong biblical foundation
00:13:46.88\00:13:48.89
and she did the best she could,
but she was functioning, Her
00:13:48.92\00:13:53.07
idea of Judaism, was functioning
through schizophrenia.
00:13:53.10\00:13:55.63
It was a major dysfunction,
it wasn't true Orthodox Judaism.
00:13:55.66\00:14:00.70
True Orthodox
Judaism is nothing like that,
00:14:00.73\00:14:04.27
for those that practice
it today, but in her heart
00:14:04.30\00:14:07.48
and her mind she really believed
that she was doing us a favor.
00:14:07.51\00:14:12.34
She thought she was
training us, and there's all
00:14:12.37\00:14:14.45
different religions do
that, but when ever you
00:14:14.48\00:14:17.35
have rules without
relationship it's going
00:14:17.38\00:14:21.33
to be a problem right?
00:14:21.36\00:14:22.74
Whenever you have law
without mercy it is not going
00:14:22.77\00:14:26.68
to work, it's going to
breed resentment, it will breed
00:14:26.71\00:14:29.55
something that isn't
what God is all about.
00:14:29.58\00:14:35.87
True Judaism is about
God, so that being said
00:14:35.90\00:14:42.15
I have to get back on track.
00:14:42.19\00:14:43.73
Cheri: and you know I'm
glad, just glad you said that.
00:14:43.76\00:14:46.15
Especially you get
that reality on top of that
00:14:46.18\00:14:50.82
a lot of us deal with,
we are a little tweaked,
00:14:50.85\00:14:53.24
we're bipolar, we've got a
little bit of depression from
00:14:53.27\00:14:56.84
family generations
and then you add religious
00:14:56.87\00:14:58.72
into the mix of that
and you haven't brought
00:14:58.75\00:15:01.09
that just said God
help me and got into a true
00:15:01.12\00:15:05.73
relationship that
everything gets tweaked.
00:15:05.76\00:15:08.44
That sounds like that
happen with your mom and
00:15:08.47\00:15:10.45
definitely with your
dad the whole Satanism, you
00:15:10.48\00:15:13.66
were just in the
middle of all that.
00:15:13.69\00:15:15.49
So I ended up being
placed in, I don't know keeping
00:15:15.52\00:15:18.66
track, but somewhere
between 20 and 30 foster homes.
00:15:18.69\00:15:21.76
It didn't work out, I
was shut down and just
00:15:21.79\00:15:26.77
rock on a bed
back-and-forth and not speak.
00:15:26.80\00:15:29.00
I was a self-elected
mute for a very long time,
00:15:29.03\00:15:32.68
things to that affect.
00:15:32.71\00:15:34.60
The last placement I
was back with my mom,
00:15:34.63\00:15:38.16
and I don't know what the
surrounding situation was.
00:15:38.19\00:15:41.77
She had tried to kill me,
to smother me with pillows and
00:15:41.80\00:15:45.50
stuff and my sister got
involved and called the police.
00:15:45.53\00:15:48.65
That was the last
time I was ever at home.
00:15:48.68\00:15:51.60
From there I got placed
in home for abused kids,
00:15:51.63\00:15:54.75
and in this home I was
in it turned out to be a
00:15:54.78\00:16:00.48
cover, also, for
a Satanic occult.
00:16:00.51\00:16:02.74
But it was more on the
New Age level of stuff.
00:16:02.77\00:16:06.94
So what do you mean by
that? What did that look like?
00:16:06.97\00:16:09.10
That look like the officer
of the day, which is the one
00:16:09.13\00:16:12.51
who kept rounds of the
premises, he came to me whenever
00:16:12.54\00:16:21.29
somebody was being disciplined,
for something or watched,
00:16:21.32\00:16:28.28
suicide watch, any of these
things you are put in a room
00:16:28.31\00:16:30.85
with a counselor, house
parent, an officer of the day.
00:16:30.88\00:16:33.79
A moment took place where
the officer of the day and I
00:16:33.82\00:16:38.52
were in the room at the
same time, where we shouldn't
00:16:38.55\00:16:40.76
have been there by ourselves.
00:16:40.79\00:16:42.56
He very quickly made
comments to me, and he said,
00:16:42.59\00:16:47.65
you're my princess and
you are not of this world,
00:16:47.68\00:16:52.61
but I'm going to show
you who your real family is,
00:16:52.64\00:16:55.97
and if you really want
to meet them you will have
00:16:56.00\00:16:59.34
to go through me.
00:16:59.37\00:17:00.43
Then that was it, it was
that quick of a interview
00:17:00.46\00:17:06.11
type of thing
that he had with me.
00:17:06.14\00:17:07.82
That was the very start.
00:17:07.85\00:17:09.21
After a long period of a
couple years, I had learned
00:17:09.24\00:17:13.24
Astra Body Projection
and all this other stuff.
00:17:13.27\00:17:17.05
At least part of me had.
00:17:17.08\00:17:18.37
So there is the main
Satanism and there is that also
00:17:18.40\00:17:24.41
so I was one confused
puppy, but the thing is
00:17:24.44\00:17:28.52
I'm so compartmentalized.
00:17:28.55\00:17:32.17
When you and I were talking
that I'm very controlling.
00:17:32.20\00:17:34.69
Well I'm a very controlling
person but you have to
00:17:34.72\00:17:41.90
understand in my mind
this part of me deals with
00:17:41.93\00:17:46.05
physical pain, this part
of me deals with emotional
00:17:46.08\00:17:48.63
pain, this part of me
deals with religious aspects,
00:17:48.66\00:17:50.90
this part of me, it is
all compartmentalized and
00:17:50.93\00:17:54.02
that is what makes up
a multiple personality.
00:17:54.05\00:17:57.02
That's how you
survived - that's how I survived
00:17:57.05\00:17:59.38
what I was going through.
00:17:59.41\00:18:01.00
The bad part about
that is that you don't know,
00:18:01.03\00:18:04.04
I could be talking to
you and have a conversation,
00:18:04.07\00:18:09.23
but the next minute
I am not me anymore.
00:18:09.26\00:18:12.52
I'm somebody else and
having a conversation with him
00:18:12.55\00:18:15.73
and I have no
recollection of who you are,
00:18:15.76\00:18:18.41
or who I was five minutes ago.
00:18:18.44\00:18:20.84
So my life from my
earliest memories is what I call
00:18:20.87\00:18:26.18
waking up and then you
have to just cover up for
00:18:26.21\00:18:29.88
why you weren't there.
00:18:29.91\00:18:31.35
I could be in school and
I'm trying to play catch-up,
00:18:31.38\00:18:34.02
because as far as I
know I just got there.
00:18:34.05\00:18:36.83
Something triggered me,
somebody walked up behind me,
00:18:36.86\00:18:41.39
scared me and made another
part of my mind switch over.
00:18:41.42\00:18:45.30
And now I'm somebody else
trying to say okay I recognize
00:18:45.33\00:18:50.04
this room, I don't know
what day it is, I don't know
00:18:50.07\00:18:54.79
don't know what we're
talking about, but it went like
00:18:54.82\00:18:58.56
that my whole life.
00:18:58.59\00:18:59.74
Okay, at the age of 21,
well let me just back up
00:18:59.77\00:19:05.78
a little bit more.
00:19:05.81\00:19:07.18
This was my life and an
issue happened at the home
00:19:07.21\00:19:15.52
I was in, okay, for abused kids.
00:19:15.55\00:19:17.90
For whatever reasons I
believe that I was about to be
00:19:17.93\00:19:24.20
made to disappear, because I
was catching on to some things.
00:19:24.23\00:19:27.05
I was starting to talk to
God for the first time and
00:19:27.08\00:19:32.55
I was starting to realize...
00:19:32.58\00:19:34.49
Cheri: let me just ask
you Sarai, when you say
00:19:34.52\00:19:37.31
starting to talk to
God, where do you think that
00:19:37.34\00:19:40.69
God was in any sense
a part of the picture,
00:19:40.72\00:19:44.00
or did your mom give you
enough of the face of God
00:19:44.03\00:19:46.72
that you can
move in and say God.
00:19:46.75\00:19:49.22
Sarai: I don't know
she gave me a face of God,
00:19:49.25\00:19:51.75
I think my mom, I think
between my mom and my dad both
00:19:51.78\00:19:58.14
I got the gist that God
was there and Satan was there,
00:19:58.17\00:20:02.50
and both were very powerful.
00:20:02.53\00:20:04.31
I didn't know
which side was which.
00:20:04.34\00:20:06.63
Okay, it was the
typical view of the sacrifice,
00:20:06.66\00:20:16.17
you must sacrifice
yourself type of view of God,
00:20:16.20\00:20:19.98
but there was some
sane part in me still
00:20:20.01\00:20:24.34
that I believe God put there.
00:20:24.37\00:20:26.77
A part that cries out
to Him, you know how the
00:20:26.80\00:20:28.09
Bible says that
God has given everybody
00:20:28.12\00:20:29.77
a measure of faith, okay.
00:20:29.80\00:20:32.30
With that little measure
that I had in me at about the
00:20:32.33\00:20:37.53
age of 16 or 17, I would
be sitting outside smoking a
00:20:37.56\00:20:41.62
cigarette and looking at
the heavens and seeing those
00:20:41.65\00:20:44.67
stars and saying
why am I like this, why?
00:20:44.70\00:20:48.27
It was just the beginning,
I never stayed for an answer.
00:20:48.30\00:20:51.24
It was the
questioning began, okay - Amen.
00:20:51.27\00:20:54.75
I think that is the first
time I remember looking back
00:20:54.78\00:20:59.62
now that I can say God started
my recovery at that point.
00:20:59.65\00:21:04.15
He started interjecting
in my life and it was at the
00:21:04.18\00:21:08.31
very first time
I started asking.
00:21:08.34\00:21:10.46
Cheri: you know I'm going
to be brazen enough to say you
00:21:10.49\00:21:14.15
recognized Him at that
point, because I think that I
00:21:14.18\00:21:17.57
look back and I think He
was there so long before that.
00:21:17.60\00:21:21.30
Sarai: oh He was, I didn't
mean it to be like that it
00:21:21.33\00:21:23.45
just was where I could
physically see issues were God
00:21:23.48\00:21:26.91
was really intervening,
there have been other things
00:21:26.94\00:21:29.77
that He was doing all along
which I will bring up later,
00:21:29.80\00:21:31.99
but if I can say that's
where it actually started
00:21:32.02\00:21:36.40
just a little bit.
00:21:36.43\00:21:37.62
In a foster home,
smoking cigarettes
00:21:37.65\00:21:39.09
- in a home for abused
kids, it's an institution.
00:21:39.12\00:21:41.34
I didn't get any help anyway
I was fearing for my life.
00:21:41.38\00:21:46.80
I started to realize
that a whole occult thing was
00:21:46.83\00:21:50.20
going on and I was
starting to pull away.
00:21:50.24\00:21:53.12
I was saying I don't
want this, I don't want to be
00:21:53.15\00:21:55.81
like this and I
started to pull away.
00:21:55.84\00:21:59.36
I needed to run away, I
was fearing for my life.
00:21:59.39\00:22:02.96
I got married to a kid
from school, first guy I could
00:22:02.99\00:22:07.78
find it would run away
with me physically and marry me.
00:22:07.81\00:22:11.29
During that time, the
first year we were together,
00:22:11.32\00:22:15.26
right after we're
married he went to boot camp and
00:22:15.29\00:22:19.18
decided to drop out of
school, his mom was going
00:22:19.21\00:22:21.45
to sign him into the Army.
00:22:21.48\00:22:22.61
He goes, during the
first three months he was
00:22:22.64\00:22:26.68
in boot camp, his
mother was murdered.
00:22:26.71\00:22:28.74
She was stabbed over 70
times and his little 12-year-old
00:22:28.77\00:22:33.61
brother was almost
completely decapitated.
00:22:33.64\00:22:36.36
He blamed me and said
if it hadn't been for me
00:22:36.39\00:22:39.87
he would have been
there to protect his mom.
00:22:39.90\00:22:41.89
It just seen my
life seem to go from
00:22:41.92\00:22:44.87
one trauma to another.
00:22:44.90\00:22:46.40
Cheri: I just have to
say that there are people
00:22:46.43\00:22:51.19
in the café and watching
is that what I have seen
00:22:51.22\00:22:55.54
happen in my own life
in other people's lives is
00:22:55.57\00:22:58.12
that where are so traumatized
and so chaotic and so
00:22:58.15\00:23:00.73
dysfunctional that the
only people I draw into my life
00:23:00.76\00:23:06.11
are people that are chaotic and
00:23:06.14\00:23:07.29
dysfunctional and traumatized.
00:23:07.32\00:23:08.97
So when somebody says my
life went from one trauma
00:23:09.01\00:23:11.33
to the next is because of that.
00:23:11.36\00:23:13.67
Because as soon as God
pulls us out and we become
00:23:13.70\00:23:16.07
healthier it's almost
like we pull in people that
00:23:16.10\00:23:18.93
are healthier and the
trauma decreases some.
00:23:18.96\00:23:21.57
So if you feel, if you're
watching and you feel that
00:23:21.60\00:23:24.70
your life goes from
one trauma to the other,
00:23:24.73\00:23:26.63
one chaos to the
other just know that that
00:23:26.66\00:23:29.51
is common for all of
00:23:29.54\00:23:30.74
us and God says I
promise you, I promise you that
00:23:30.77\00:23:34.69
I want to bring you out of that.
00:23:34.72\00:23:36.93
So I just wanted to say
for a lot of us we think
00:23:36.96\00:23:39.48
what is wrong with me?
00:23:39.51\00:23:41.33
And I am sure Sarai
you were sitting there and
00:23:41.36\00:23:43.84
saying what is wrong with
me, why is it that there is
00:23:43.87\00:23:46.56
one more thing and one
more thing and one more thing.
00:23:46.59\00:23:48.41
Actually to me it was
normal life, to me and I hate
00:23:48.44\00:23:54.15
to say but it's true, I
can look back now and say
00:23:54.18\00:23:57.19
wow I can't believe
my life was like that.
00:23:57.22\00:23:58.88
But at the time from
where I come from has
00:23:58.91\00:24:01.42
followed suit
for where I was at.
00:24:01.45\00:24:03.26
But I went through that, we
stayed together, he wanted to
00:24:03.29\00:24:11.32
have a baby really badly,
and I wanted to have a baby.
00:24:11.35\00:24:14.33
Turned out I
couldn't have children.
00:24:14.36\00:24:16.51
He got one of my best
friends pregnant, let me just
00:24:16.54\00:24:21.57
stop here and say, every
man that I had ever known in
00:24:21.60\00:24:25.05
my life, every woman I
had ever known in my life was
00:24:25.08\00:24:28.14
sexually dysfunctional.
00:24:28.17\00:24:30.01
There was not one person
that I know of that wasn't
00:24:30.04\00:24:34.00
perverted sexually
in one form or another.
00:24:34.03\00:24:37.23
This was huge to me,
alright, because my mother had
00:24:37.26\00:24:43.34
instilled in me that
all woman is made for is to
00:24:43.37\00:24:46.51
sexually please her husband
and keep him there, okay.
00:24:46.54\00:24:50.37
And it is all about what
she looks like and how she can
00:24:50.40\00:24:52.55
perform, so not been able
to have children was huge.
00:24:52.58\00:24:55.39
That was a real even
trying to make it in a
00:24:55.42\00:24:59.40
non-abusive world,
trying to get out of that
00:24:59.43\00:25:03.10
seemed impossible to me because
of my view how people are.
00:25:03.13\00:25:08.65
So I went from that
husband and ended up getting a
00:25:08.68\00:25:14.08
divorce from him and
with it a few weeks as married
00:25:14.11\00:25:16.62
again to my second husband.
00:25:16.65\00:25:18.30
He ended up
seeking, he was in the Army,
00:25:18.33\00:25:23.29
we got stationed in Las Vegas.
00:25:23.32\00:25:25.16
He started seeing
prostitutes, and my way of
00:25:25.19\00:25:28.65
vindicating myself is
well if you'd rather pay money
00:25:28.68\00:25:33.44
to see a prostitute,
then I'll just become one.
00:25:33.47\00:25:35.52
If that's what you want,
if that's what it takes then
00:25:35.55\00:25:39.78
that is what I need to become.
00:25:39.81\00:25:41.29
I was so used to trying to
become perfect, what ever I
00:25:41.32\00:25:45.50
needed to be too
pleased whoever I was with,
00:25:45.53\00:25:47.42
that's what I did.
00:25:47.45\00:25:48.85
So that is how I
ended up in a brothel.
00:25:48.88\00:25:51.15
Cheri: can I say can I
say little bit about this
00:25:51.18\00:25:54.21
disassociate disorder now
are people are not going to
00:25:54.24\00:25:56.46
understand this, and I
understand you too well.
00:25:56.49\00:25:59.04
But a disassociate disorder
is when you disassociate
00:25:59.07\00:26:03.51
and become the prostitute,
or the dancer, or the church
00:26:03.54\00:26:09.35
secretary, what ever it
is your personality takes on,
00:26:09.38\00:26:12.11
you take that on with
absolutely no moral questions.
00:26:12.14\00:26:15.75
You know what I mean, so
it is like as you step in you
00:26:15.78\00:26:19.36
don't step in with a
right or wrong, you step in as
00:26:19.39\00:26:21.94
this is what a prostitute
is and this is how it is
00:26:21.97\00:26:23.88
and how you look
and how you perform.
00:26:23.91\00:26:26.03
Should dissociate became
that, it added that to your
00:26:26.06\00:26:30.42
group, then I just wanted
people to know that this is not
00:26:30.45\00:26:33.74
a right or wrong decision,
00:26:33.77\00:26:34.80
this is you are
this and you are good.
00:26:34.83\00:26:37.53
So here I am in the
brothel and here's the next big
00:26:37.56\00:26:46.90
phase, or big
thing that happened.
00:26:46.93\00:26:48.96
Over the years, I
believe that all the demonic
00:26:48.99\00:26:56.55
activity that was going
on in my life had so attached
00:26:56.58\00:26:59.93
itself to me that I
was demon possessed.
00:26:59.96\00:27:03.01
In that demon
possession, because it seem like
00:27:03.04\00:27:06.38
something beyond myself,
okay there was an anger and
00:27:06.41\00:27:09.31
rage that was
beyond me and I don't know
00:27:09.34\00:27:11.91
how else to explain that.
00:27:11.94\00:27:13.30
But it's like being a multiple,
you're one altar behind,
00:27:13.33\00:27:17.14
you are one step back
from whoever is at the surface
00:27:17.17\00:27:20.20
doing life, okay.
00:27:20.23\00:27:21.62
But there felt like
there was something else
00:27:21.65\00:27:23.60
guiding you or pushing you.
00:27:23.63\00:27:25.51
I knew that it was demonic.
00:27:25.54\00:27:27.97
one night I went out to
the pool area at the brothel
00:27:28.00\00:27:32.06
and I talked to God probably
for the first time that I
00:27:32.09\00:27:38.22
had actually had a real
prayer, a real hitting the
00:27:38.25\00:27:42.16
breaking point for me.
00:27:42.19\00:27:43.94
I had been planning to
commit mass murder of all the
00:27:43.97\00:27:50.32
people that I felt
ever hurt me in my life,
00:27:50.35\00:27:52.39
or who had failed me.
00:27:52.42\00:27:53.64
I have been collecting an
arsenal of weapons I kept in the
00:27:53.67\00:27:57.21
trunk of my car, but
there was a part of me that
00:27:57.24\00:28:01.37
didn't want to do that,
but I felt so pushed, so
00:28:01.40\00:28:05.57
compelled constantly.
00:28:05.60\00:28:07.46
Whether it was through
nightmares, or the voices,
00:28:07.49\00:28:09.35
or whatever, but they
were not voices on the outside,
00:28:09.38\00:28:11.86
like schizophrenic
voices on the inside.
00:28:11.89\00:28:14.06
So with whatever
sanity I felt like I had left,
00:28:14.09\00:28:19.55
I think of the demoniac,
you know that he's somehow
00:28:19.58\00:28:23.76
communicated this to the
Lord too, but he wanted help.
00:28:23.79\00:28:27.07
Cheri: That little tiny
particle - that little tiny
00:28:27.10\00:28:29.58
particle, that little seed
of faith knowing that God gave
00:28:29.61\00:28:32.99
that little measure as small as
a mustard seed is all it took.
00:28:33.02\00:28:36.49
But I cried out every
God's name that I had ever
00:28:36.52\00:28:40.29
heard and said this is my plan.
00:28:40.32\00:28:41.72
I do not know what I do with
my life, I don't know how I got
00:28:41.75\00:28:46.14
myself to this place.
00:28:46.17\00:28:47.65
I don't understand anything
but I need the real God to
00:28:47.68\00:28:51.51
please stand up, if You
can do something with my life,
00:28:51.54\00:28:53.97
I'll serve you forever.
00:28:54.00\00:28:56.60
I cried out Satan's
name, Allah, Buddha, everything
00:28:56.63\00:29:02.52
that I could think of
and I didn't cry out Jesus
00:29:02.55\00:29:04.99
because I had been
raised to believe that Jesus was
00:29:05.02\00:29:07.38
just a false prophet
and that He was the enemy.
00:29:07.41\00:29:11.84
And that He had no
power and somewhere in me knew
00:29:11.87\00:29:15.76
that Satan had more
power than Jesus, at least
00:29:15.79\00:29:18.49
in my opinion at that time.
00:29:18.52\00:29:20.09
Cheri: isn't that weird
how the devil does that?
00:29:20.12\00:29:23.68
It really is but
look what God did!
00:29:23.71\00:29:25.60
It was like a movie screen
flashed in front of my face.
00:29:25.63\00:29:29.59
I don't know if that was a
trance or what anybody wants
00:29:29.62\00:29:31.76
to call it, I don't care
but it was a movie screen in
00:29:31.79\00:29:34.65
front of my face and I saw
those little yellow VW bug,
00:29:34.68\00:29:37.15
car and it had a bumper
sticker on the back that says
00:29:37.18\00:29:40.61
smile Jesus loves you.
00:29:40.64\00:29:42.18
Well you know I'm a
bumper sticker girl...
00:29:42.21\00:29:46.44
Cheri: how funny is that?
00:29:46.47\00:29:48.42
Because God use that of all
things, of all the things that
00:29:48.45\00:29:53.66
God could use, God used that
for me and it was incredible.
00:29:53.69\00:29:57.31
And I said okay Jesus too,
what ever or whoever the real
00:29:57.34\00:30:00.98
God is please stand up
I'm going to give you 3 days
00:30:01.01\00:30:03.67
and then I am going to
go out and commit this act.
00:30:03.70\00:30:05.99
I was going to commit
the murders and then suicide.
00:30:06.02\00:30:08.95
So my heart and mind
were made up, I threw out my
00:30:08.98\00:30:12.91
cigarette and went back
inside and went to work.
00:30:12.94\00:30:15.40
Got a couple hours
sleep, got up for the morning
00:30:15.43\00:30:18.52
shift and the working
girls had their own kitchen
00:30:18.55\00:30:22.52
and in our kitchen
we have a phone booth.
00:30:22.55\00:30:24.81
In that phone booth
there was a number that only
00:30:24.84\00:30:28.50
the working girls knew,
you personally had to give
00:30:28.53\00:30:31.05
out that phone number.
00:30:31.08\00:30:32.30
I had been in Alabama
with the military in my
00:30:32.33\00:30:36.45
ex-husband and stuff
and so I had a real strong
00:30:36.48\00:30:39.31
Alabama accent at the
time when I begin working.
00:30:39.34\00:30:42.32
The name Bammer kind of
stuck as my working name,
00:30:42.35\00:30:46.15
so only people that
really knew me knew to call me
00:30:46.18\00:30:50.65
Bammer and knew
that phone number.
00:30:50.68\00:30:52.32
Well that next morning,
that was 3 hours after I had
00:30:52.35\00:30:55.59
prayed that prayer, I
went in to breakfast and the
00:30:55.62\00:30:58.48
phone rang and one of
the other girls answered the
00:30:58.51\00:31:00.94
phone and said,
Bammer the phone is for you.
00:31:00.97\00:31:03.63
I'm thinking who's calling
me, my husband isn't going to
00:31:03.66\00:31:06.67
call me, it's
not his time to call.
00:31:06.70\00:31:09.20
So I went to the phone,
the voice on the phone says
00:31:09.23\00:31:13.64
you don't know me and I
can't believe I am calling you,
00:31:13.67\00:31:17.70
I can't even believe
there's a Bammer, the person was
00:31:17.73\00:31:20.91
just tweaked mentally
over the fact that there
00:31:20.94\00:31:24.78
was this person, she says
all I know is that I became
00:31:24.81\00:31:28.33
a Christian a year ago
and I have been praying for a
00:31:28.36\00:31:31.62
year that God would use
me and God gave me this name
00:31:31.65\00:31:35.23
and this phone number
and told me to tell you that
00:31:35.26\00:31:36.67
Jesus heard your prayer.
00:31:36.70\00:31:38.27
And I said who is this?
00:31:38.30\00:31:42.16
And they were not
the words that I used
00:31:42.19\00:31:45.82
- and you know even as
I'm saying that I just want
00:31:45.85\00:31:48.74
to say I so have a crush
on God, how could you not
00:31:48.77\00:31:50.76
love Him for that?
00:31:50.80\00:31:52.77
Oh you can, but she
said, after I said who is this,
00:31:52.80\00:32:01.18
she said my name is Lisa
and when she said that I hit
00:32:01.21\00:32:09.56
the floor because I knew
from her saying her own name,
00:32:09.59\00:32:13.15
if you ever have a sister
or brother that says your name
00:32:13.18\00:32:15.89
all the time and they have
a special way of saying your
00:32:15.92\00:32:18.05
name that you know it is them.
00:32:18.08\00:32:20.33
That person turned out to be
my sister who I had not seen for
00:32:20.36\00:32:24.91
years, because she had
run away and left me behind.
00:32:24.94\00:32:29.25
She had been my protector
for so many years through
00:32:29.28\00:32:32.01
all the abuse, but she
saw her moment when she hit
00:32:32.04\00:32:35.42
13 and she bailed.
00:32:35.45\00:32:36.77
She became a Christian a
year earlier and had been
00:32:36.80\00:32:41.34
praying for me, -
not knowing it was you
00:32:41.37\00:32:44.09
- praying for me
not knowing it was me.
00:32:44.12\00:32:45.85
And she called that
payphone and God had given it
00:32:45.88\00:32:48.31
to her prophetically,
and she called that payphone
00:32:48.34\00:32:50.35
and said Jesus
heard your prayer.
00:32:50.38\00:32:52.81
When I finally stood up and
realized this is Lisa isn't it?
00:32:52.84\00:32:58.55
And she said, shut up,
long story short she was in
00:32:58.58\00:33:05.90
Ridgecrest California and it was
my week off that was coming up
00:33:05.93\00:33:11.00
from the brothel and I flew
out there and went to see her.
00:33:11.03\00:33:15.09
One of the first thing
she did was take me through
00:33:15.12\00:33:17.52
the prophecies in Isaiah,
because when we were raised
00:33:17.55\00:33:21.21
as Jews right, we had to
memorize a quarter of the book
00:33:21.24\00:33:24.86
of Isaiah in Hebrew
for our Bat Mitzvah.
00:33:24.89\00:33:28.55
So they left out much
of the prophecies of Jesus.
00:33:28.58\00:33:33.19
We weren't giving
that version - exactly.
00:33:33.22\00:33:36.35
So she took me through
and she said look what they
00:33:36.38\00:33:39.07
left out, because that
were somewhere my mind still had
00:33:39.10\00:33:40.86
it memorized, because you
have to do the chanting thing
00:33:40.89\00:33:44.01
word is called cantering
and you have to learn all that.
00:33:44.04\00:33:46.99
So she took me through
Isaiah and showed me the
00:33:47.02\00:33:50.07
prophecies, and she took
me through the road to Romans
00:33:50.10\00:33:52.75
and showed me what my
salvation was going to depend on
00:33:52.78\00:33:57.63
me looking at what
Jesus had done for me.
00:33:57.66\00:34:00.76
Then she took me through
the book of Revelation and
00:34:00.79\00:34:03.41
scared the daylights out of me.
00:34:03.44\00:34:06.28
According to what I had
believed and she had believed at
00:34:06.31\00:34:10.36
the time about Hell
being a place and not an event.
00:34:10.39\00:34:17.09
The next day she said
would you please come to church
00:34:17.12\00:34:20.73
with us, that was a Saturday
that I was there and Sunday
00:34:20.76\00:34:24.34
we went to Little Pentecostal
Holiness Church and I
00:34:24.37\00:34:26.81
ended up giving my life
over to Lord at that time,
00:34:26.84\00:34:30.48
I literally crawled up the aisle
of her small little church.
00:34:30.51\00:34:35.04
I had like 3,000
dollars in the back of my pants
00:34:35.07\00:34:38.22
pockets and I don't know
much about little churches
00:34:38.25\00:34:42.44
but they really
struggle for money.
00:34:42.47\00:34:44.76
This pastor was
incredible because he said,
00:34:44.79\00:34:48.79
he took an offering at the end
00:34:48.82\00:34:51.24
I'm already up there crying and
00:34:51.27\00:34:52.31
said the sinner's prayer.
00:34:52.34\00:34:53.95
You know I'm wanting Jesus
and I pull out 3,000 out of
00:34:53.98\00:34:58.76
my back pocket and his
hand goes, honey, and his hands
00:34:58.79\00:35:00.90
shaking and he's
going I can't take this.
00:35:00.93\00:35:02.89
He's saying, because you
know what Jesus will never ever
00:35:02.92\00:35:08.84
forgive me if I ever
give Satan a foothold to think
00:35:08.87\00:35:11.82
that you
purchased your salvation.
00:35:11.85\00:35:13.42
That stayed with me all
through my Christian life.
00:35:13.45\00:35:18.60
Cheri: we are going on a
break just because I wanted
00:35:18.63\00:35:22.14
to say that I want to come back
and get into exactly how did
00:35:22.17\00:35:27.59
God take this
child, that is fragmented,
00:35:27.62\00:35:31.71
that is disassociated,
just so damaged and
00:35:31.74\00:35:35.42
how did integration happen,
and how did healing happen.
00:35:35.45\00:35:38.19
That is my favorite part
about God because I just think
00:35:38.22\00:35:40.76
that each one of
us has this junk.
00:35:40.79\00:35:43.62
You definitely have more junk
than the average bear you know
00:35:43.65\00:35:46.40
that so I'm just going to
- I got more joy too so it's
00:35:46.43\00:35:49.99
okay - I love that, I love that.
00:35:50.02\00:35:52.18
You know I just wanted
to say we're going to take a
00:35:52.21\00:35:54.74
break right now I feel
like I need to take a breath, to
00:35:54.77\00:35:59.74
take a breath and come
back and hear what God does with
00:35:59.77\00:36:02.24
all this, it's
incredible it's incredible.
00:36:02.27\00:36:04.39