Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery,
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I am Cheri your host.
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Have you ever felt
like you just don't fit in?
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Something is not
just quite right?
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If you have ever felt like
that I have some awesome news
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for you, life-changing.
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When I was young, and some
of you have heard this, my mom
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well before I was born
my mom tried to self aboard
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a number of times
and she was 14 years old.
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I was her second child and
my father was beating her and
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that type of stuff.
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She just had this horrible
realization that another child
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is going to make
this worse of course.
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So she tried to self aboard.
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Coat hangers, pills, hot
tubs, all kinds of things.
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I remember as I had some
kind of awareness of that anger
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and that desperation
in her life as I grew up.
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I knew that I wasn't loved,
couldn't figure out what it
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was all about, but about
three years old was my first
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memory of really
desperately trying to get
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my mom to love me.
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I did everything, I would go
in the bedroom and would stand
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in front of the mirror and
figure out a song, I'd think
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that's perfect,
it's such a good song.
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I would run out and sing
for her, I'd think if I did it
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well enough, maybe she
would let me sit next to her.
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Maybe she would say, you
know I love that, or I love you
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or something, but she
would usually get mad at me.
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She would say something, why
are you always hanging on me?
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I remember hearing
that so many times.
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I heard that I
wasn't wanted growing up.
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I heard that I was all the
problem, if it wasn't for me
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their life would be fine
in those kinds of things.
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I don't want to sound pathetic,
but as a little girl she
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would laugh and play with
someone else and I would so
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want that, I
would just want that.
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At the same time that
my dad was molesting us.
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My mom was very angry, very
withdrawn, her life was just
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like I said falling apart.
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She had five kids
before she was 21 years old.
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So I wasn't the only child,
but I was probably the one
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she felt, because she was
so young, that if it wasn't,
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if I had gotten pregnant
now I could have somehow
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gotten out of this.
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Before I get into that, I
want to introduce you to those
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at the café, this is going
to be a little heavy at first.
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But I'm telling you to stay
with me because you know what?
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God has so blessed me that
all that hurt, when I think
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about it I feel it, you know
what, I don't think about it
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too much, so stay with us.
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I'm going to introduce
you to the people at the café.
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We've got Jim, and John
Lehman, and John would get to
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hear your testimony
today and I'm thrilled.
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We have Monique, we've got Irma,
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we've got Amy and Kristin.
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I'm so glad that you are here.
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When I said I was young I
had all this stuff going on.
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I was trying to figure
out who I am, where do I fit,
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and I so never fit anywhere.
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I never felt like
I belonged anywhere.
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As I grew up I
just got, I think worse.
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I did drugs for the first
time when I was 11 or 12 years
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old, and the first time
I did drugs I'm like Yahoo.
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I don't feel like killing
myself, I don't care if you
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don't like me, you
don't like me, too bad!
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I am here, and you know I
just got loud, it felt like
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every single thing that
was wrong in my life, was OK.
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Every single thing,
and it was weird to me.
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I couldn't figure out, why
didn't somebody tell me about
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these drugs sooner?
If you know what I mean?
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I remember just
going on the street and
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I no longer cared about that.
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As the Holy Spirit started
drawing me to Him, as I got
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older, I was on the
street for 10 years.
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We have talked about
that on another show.
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But as the Holy Spirit
started drawing me to Him,
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I had an encounter with God.
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An encounter with Jesus Christ
who said to me, I love you.
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I remember sitting there, I
had never been loved by anyone.
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I really felt that, 10
years on the streets I had seen
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some things that were just
absolutely horrendous and so
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I had never felt
so loved by anyone.
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But I hear God say, I love you.
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I started crying at first,
I'm 100 pounds, strung out on
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heroine by that
time, 23 years old.
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I had teeth missing out
of the front of my mouth and
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I said, look at me.
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All I got when I said that
was a sense that God gave me
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a vision of this beautiful
girl, not damaged, not unloved,
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and He said this is who
I see when I look at you.
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I wept, I thought that
this girl was beautiful and
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innocent, and I
said I'd never been that.
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Obviously loved, I
have never been that.
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He said, I promise you, if
you stand up I will walk you
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into this because
you are all that to Me.
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I so love you, I so
want everything for you.
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I want you to feel love
that you have never felt in your
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life, and I think about, at
that time as the Holy Spirit
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drew me to God, I believe,
the Bible is clear about it,
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the Bible says I am now
adopted into the family of God.
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I'm like shut
up, how fun is that?
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Think of this, most
families when a child comes into
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their life, they do a room
for them, they get ready for
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them, they so love them,
and pick out a name, they give
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that child their name, they
will do what ever it takes to
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let that child know
that you are so loved.
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When they come into
this household, so loved.
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I thought, what happened,
that's not the home I came from.
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What happens when you are
adopted into the family of God?
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Right, this is a God that
spoke the world into existence,
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right? Spoke the
world into existence.
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When Christ came, He came
down to this planet, walked into
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villages and healed every single
body there, everybody there.
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I'm like stop, everybody?
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They said sometimes he
left the village with not
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one sick person was there.
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When they say sick, I
don't even care about physical
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sicknesses anymore, I
know a lot of people that are
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mentally sick, and I bet
there was not one mentally sick
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person there, there was
not one depressed person there.
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There was not one person
that wanted to kill themselves
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there after
Christ walked through.
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I'm thinking,
okay, how cool is that?
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But now I'm adopted into His
family, coming into His home.
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I thought is He
going to heal me like that?
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He's my Father, would He
say no, no I don't want to heal
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you though, I will go through
an entire village and heal
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everybody there, but as my
adopted child, I won't heal you.
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How ridiculous is that?
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As His adopted child, I am,
He pours into me, pours into me
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He wants to heal
every part of me.
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I have to get that because
it is not something that He
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has to do, I am His child.
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He would do a back flips
around the house to make me
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laugh, because I'm His child.
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That's what we
do with kids, right?
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You want to make them laugh,
you throw them up in the air,
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and do all that type of stuff.
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We are God's kids, and I
kept thinking as a little girl
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three years old,
nobody was doing that to me.
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But as the Holy Spirit drew
me into this new relationship
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with God, God said, you
don't even know, you don't even
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know that I am your Father
in everything that you didn't
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get as a kid, I
want to give you.
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Everything you didn't get
growing up, all the stuff that
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is in your head that
says you are worth nothing,
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I want to show you every
single day that was such a lie.
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I want to give you
the entire universe,
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your inheritance is huge,
and not huge in cash, huge in
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every single thing else.
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Not that we don't get cash
because God wants to bless us.
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But it is huge in
everything, it's like all the
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insecurities I had
are going to be gone.
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I had hepatitis A, B and
C, a lot of people know that.
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God healed me, I
couldn't even believe that.
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I think that was amazing.
I had teeth missing out of
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the front of my mouth
and He puts a dentist almost
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right in front me.
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This dentist says,
can I fix your teeth?
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Hello, of course you can
and I want to see the whole
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thing, people know they
are going to cut into my face,
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scrape my face because it
is all rotted, and I just want
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to watch the whole thing.
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I thought I have a
Father that every single thing
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was important to Him.
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I learned to read, I went
back to school and all that
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stuff and I still had
some stuff I was dealing with.
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That was interesting,
because when the Holy Spirit
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comes in, when you
come into God's house,
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it feels like as soon as I
walk in that all that stuff
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should be left
at the door, right?
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God says if you want to
leave it at the door, but we
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think we need it, no, no,
I'm stuffing my pockets full.
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I'm taking all my garbage
with me, I have a backpack on,
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I have a couple
suitcases with the junk.
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What is really fun about
God is He says, if you have
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to bring it in, bring it
in, but if you don't want to,
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you can leave
everything single thing behind.
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To the extent that you get
that, your healing will happen
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instantaneously, most of
us don't get it right away.
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We come into God's house,
still rebelling, we still have
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anger issues, were
still on porn once in a while.
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We are still doing all
that stuff and God is long-
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suffering, the
Bible says in Romans 2:4.
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But He hangs in there with
us, He just is long-suffering.
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He says I will work with
you every time you fall down,
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every time you stand up,
because you are My child.
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I think your lovely and I
can't wait to till you see it.
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When you see it enough
you'll never have hurt yourself
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again, that you will never
want to die again, that you
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will never feel like you
are not worth anything again
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because you're worth everything
to Me, everything to Me.
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It says the angels in
heaven watch us, the angels in
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Heaven watch us and I
used to think they watched us
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because when we fell down
they thought, oh man poof,
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there's another one
and she did it again.
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God says stop, let Me
tell you what really happens.
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I believe through the
Holy Spirit God told me this.
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That He doesn't say,
check every time we do something
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wrong, every single time
we get it, every single time
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I can rest in God's
love, every single time
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all of Heaven stands up.
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Wow, I think John's got
it, did you see his face?
00:10:45.33\00:10:49.37
There was joy on his face
and that's what they check.
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They don't check when we
mess up because they would
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be running out of pencils,
if you know what I mean?
00:10:55.78\00:10:58.72
We're messing up right and
left and God says I check when
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you get it because I so want you
to understand how love you are.
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You are my child, He says
it in almost every page of the
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Bible, every page of the Bible.
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Years after I accepted
Christ, He was amazing to me.
00:11:09.64\00:11:15.44
When I got married, I married
a guy that was Mr. December.
00:11:15.47\00:11:19.08
In a calendar the most eligible
bachelor in Northern California
00:11:19.11\00:11:23.19
They had all kinds of people.
00:11:23.23\00:11:24.52
They had people from real
estate, they have lawyers and
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doctors, my husband happened
to be in skilled harmonics so
00:11:27.37\00:11:30.28
he was in the symphony and
he was Mr. December, so calendar
00:11:30.32\00:11:33.19
boy, I thought
that was hilarious.
00:11:33.23\00:11:34.65
So God gives me this
husband that is just adorable.
00:11:34.69\00:11:37.91
He was a Boy Scout
until he was 18 years old.
00:11:37.94\00:11:40.40
I'm thinking how funny is that?
00:11:40.43\00:11:41.85
He was so not enabling me,
I would want to be crazy and
00:11:41.89\00:11:46.35
chaotic, he did
not enable any of that.
00:11:46.39\00:11:50.36
So I was able to give
that up easier and it was fun.
00:11:50.40\00:11:54.31
But I asked God if I
could get into ministry?
00:11:54.34\00:11:56.80
I really wanted to get into
ministry, and do you know why?
00:11:56.83\00:12:00.56
Because I love Him so much,
and I know He changes lives.
00:12:00.59\00:12:04.29
I know there are people
that don't know that and
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I want to tell them.
00:12:06.55\00:12:07.66
I want to tell the prostitutes
in Thailand that is five,
00:12:07.70\00:12:11.78
that we have a God
they can change your life.
00:12:11.82\00:12:14.49
I want to tell the person who
had just buried their loved one,
00:12:14.52\00:12:20.43
that we have a God that
is going to raise them up.
00:12:20.46\00:12:22.17
You know what I mean
how I want to tell people.
00:12:22.21\00:12:23.88
So I said I want
to get into ministry.
00:12:23.92\00:12:26.09
So He lets me do
that which is amazing.
00:12:26.12\00:12:28.22
We have an international
ministry, we do this television
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show, and all that stuff.
00:12:30.47\00:12:32.01
I'm at this gig one time, I'm
at a church and I was doing the
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speaking thing and I get
down and this woman comes up to
00:12:36.41\00:12:38.78
me, and I've
known her for a while.
00:12:38.82\00:12:41.39
She's in Walla Walla Washington
and she came up to me and
00:12:41.42\00:12:44.36
said, Cheri does
your mother love you yet?
00:12:44.39\00:12:47.63
And I looked at her, I
wanted to just answer, I usually
00:12:47.67\00:12:51.64
can answer that without a
lot of pain, but I started
00:12:51.67\00:12:55.61
crying and I was embarrassed.
00:12:55.65\00:12:57.59
I couldn't stop
crying and I finally said,
00:12:57.63\00:12:59.87
you know I don't think so.
00:12:59.91\00:13:01.91
I don't think so not because my
mother is bad, my mother is so
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damaged, nobody ever loved
her, do you know what I mean?
00:13:05.48\00:13:08.40
She never learned how to love a
child, she never had it in her,
00:13:08.44\00:13:11.66
she did not know how to
do all that stuff and she got
00:13:11.69\00:13:14.16
damaged again very early
having children of her own.
00:13:14.20\00:13:17.68
So pray for my mom, because
it wasn't even her fault.
00:13:17.71\00:13:21.16
She just had all
this junk happen to her.
00:13:21.20\00:13:22.93
It hit me off guard when
she said that and I said no.
00:13:22.97\00:13:27.69
She said I don't
even understand that.
00:13:27.72\00:13:30.16
You're just my friend and I
love you and she left that day
00:13:30.19\00:13:35.32
and she asked her whole
family, what would you think if
00:13:35.35\00:13:40.44
we adopted a little girl?
00:13:40.48\00:13:42.27
She asked everybody, and they
thought it was a lovely idea.
00:13:43.61\00:13:47.21
So she came back to
me, I was 43 at the time.
00:13:47.24\00:13:50.17
You know Cheri, I
would like to adopt you.
00:13:50.21\00:13:53.07
I'm thinking, can you do
that? I'm like old you know.
00:13:53.11\00:13:57.44
I don't know if
you could do that.
00:13:57.48\00:13:59.11
She said I would
like to adopt you.
00:13:59.14\00:14:00.71
Her name is Marcia and her
husband's name is John, and so
00:14:00.74\00:14:04.75
John just had tears in his eyes.
00:14:04.79\00:14:07.04
Like you know
what, please say yes.
00:14:07.07\00:14:10.31
I'm thinking why
do I want to say yes?
00:14:10.35\00:14:14.04
My whole body is
like yes, you know.
00:14:14.07\00:14:17.69
I don't say that to everybody
and I don't mean that to
00:14:17.73\00:14:20.49
everybody, I wasn't looking
for that but everything in me
00:14:20.53\00:14:23.26
just wanted to say yes.
00:14:23.29\00:14:24.83
So I said yes, and so we
wrote up these adoption papers
00:14:24.86\00:14:27.40
and all that, it
was a fun thing to do.
00:14:27.43\00:14:29.99
Then I get home and the
next week I get a birthday card
00:14:30.02\00:14:35.02
in the mail, my
first birthday card.
00:14:35.05\00:14:38.35
It's a little umbrella with
a duck, Happy First Birthday.
00:14:38.39\00:14:43.18
I'm like shut
up, how fun is that.
00:14:43.22\00:14:45.78
I read it and it was
this little you know what?
00:14:45.81\00:14:48.35
I'm going to send you a
card every week until I catch up
00:14:48.38\00:14:50.44
with your age. How fun is that?
00:14:50.48\00:14:52.68
It was so cute and I
read it and showed people and
00:14:52.72\00:14:55.84
we laughed and it was adorable.
00:14:55.87\00:14:57.70
I set it down and the next week,
I did, I got my second birthday
00:14:57.74\00:15:01.84
card and it was another
little tiny kids birthday card.
00:15:01.88\00:15:05.79
It said something
really sweet inside and
00:15:05.83\00:15:07.93
I could just feel myself heal.
00:15:07.97\00:15:12.16
It's weird, I could just
feel it and all of a sudden
00:15:12.20\00:15:15.13
I'm almost
standing by the mailbox.
00:15:15.16\00:15:17.28
I'm thinking I'm a grown
woman and I'm standing by the
00:15:19.45\00:15:22.76
mailbox waiting
for my birthday cards.
00:15:22.79\00:15:24.60
So I get my third birthday
card, my third birthday card
00:15:24.64\00:15:27.91
is when I remember singing
to my mom and her telling me
00:15:27.95\00:15:31.19
to stop hanging on her.
00:15:31.23\00:15:32.44
I remember my dad had
molested me, the molest was so
00:15:32.48\00:15:35.96
horrendous that I
can't even share it with you.
00:15:36.00\00:15:39.06
Do you know what I mean, he had
me and my sister side by side.
00:15:39.09\00:15:42.05
We never talked about it to each
other and when we were grown,
00:15:42.08\00:15:45.00
not grown, I think we were
grown kids, three, my sister
00:15:45.04\00:15:48.42
was four and my other sister
was two and we were sitting
00:15:48.46\00:15:51.81
side by side in the molest.
00:15:51.84\00:15:53.29
And that's what I
remember at three.
00:15:53.32\00:15:55.07
So I opened my third birthday
card and she says, Cheri
00:15:55.10\00:15:59.67
I bet you were lovely and
I wish I could have held your
00:15:59.71\00:16:04.25
face and just kissed you.
00:16:04.28\00:16:06.33
I cried, I stood there
with this card in my hand and
00:16:06.36\00:16:11.58
just cried, and I thought
God why do you do this to us?
00:16:11.62\00:16:16.21
I felt a piece of me that
was so empty, a piece of me that
00:16:16.24\00:16:20.80
was so lost, that piece
I felt God step in and just
00:16:20.83\00:16:25.29
bring healing,
it was unbelievable.
00:16:25.32\00:16:27.56
When somebody says to me
Cheri, I got to tell you I spent
00:16:27.59\00:16:34.77
time at my moms
house, my new mom Marcia.
00:16:34.81\00:16:37.61
Laying on the bed with
her going through pictures and
00:16:37.65\00:16:40.33
she introduced me to
everybody in the family.
00:16:40.37\00:16:42.00
People that have died
long ago and she wanted to tell
00:16:42.04\00:16:44.85
me stories about them.
00:16:44.89\00:16:46.47
John went off to New York
and did a seminar one time and
00:16:46.51\00:16:50.08
came back and he bought all
his kids these hats from New
00:16:50.12\00:16:53.16
York, and he didn't want to
give me a hat that he bought
00:16:53.20\00:16:56.21
so he gave me one
that he loved that was his.
00:16:56.24\00:16:59.19
I'm thinking, I thought I
can't take this from you John.
00:16:59.22\00:17:03.82
You love this hat, you
have had it for a long time.
00:17:03.85\00:17:06.75
He got it I think from his dad.
00:17:06.79\00:17:08.46
He said you are my daughter
and I want you to have this.
00:17:08.49\00:17:11.89
And I'm crying like a baby,
every time I turned around.
00:17:11.93\00:17:15.29
My mom ended up
getting cancer and died.
00:17:15.33\00:17:22.24
I laid in bed with her
and had to say goodbye.
00:17:22.28\00:17:26.00
I remember saying to God
why did I have to say goodbye
00:17:26.04\00:17:29.70
to her, He said you know, I
could only give her to you for a
00:17:29.74\00:17:34.12
little while, but I gave
her to you for you to be with
00:17:34.16\00:17:38.09
her while she died, and I
gave her to you so she could
00:17:38.13\00:17:42.03
love you into life.
00:17:42.07\00:17:43.73
I'm thinking how cool are You.
00:17:43.76\00:17:45.72
So when God brings
healing into our lives,
00:17:45.75\00:17:47.68
I don't care what it is,
the Holy Spirit comes in and
00:17:47.71\00:17:50.19
says I know who you are.
00:17:50.23\00:17:51.81
Amy we are going to talk
to you someday and I know that
00:17:51.85\00:17:53.96
you were an adopted
child so you know exactly what
00:17:53.99\00:17:57.50
I'm saying how is all of a
sudden God says I love you.
00:17:57.54\00:18:01.56
I love you and I promise
all the deficiencies, all the
00:18:01.59\00:18:05.16
defects that you think you
have, all the shortcomings.
00:18:05.20\00:18:08.74
I have attachment
disorders and bondage disorders.
00:18:08.77\00:18:11.07
I never bonded with my mom.
00:18:11.11\00:18:12.46
She tried to give me away
when I was born and all those
00:18:12.49\00:18:14.99
things, when I met God I
didn't know how to socialize.
00:18:15.03\00:18:17.33
I didn't know anything
and thinking all those things
00:18:17.37\00:18:20.44
God says I will bit by bit
bring healing into your life.
00:18:20.47\00:18:23.51
I will teach you how
to stand in your own skin
00:18:23.55\00:18:26.03
and love it, love it.
00:18:26.07\00:18:28.25
You know most
people they tell me Cheri,
00:18:28.29\00:18:30.88
why are you always
happy? How could I not be happy?
00:18:30.91\00:18:34.66
I've inherited everything
and I deserve nothing.
00:18:34.69\00:18:37.74
It was all because of
God and the Holy Spirit.
00:18:37.78\00:18:40.75
I want you to know that we
are going to be right back.
00:18:40.79\00:18:43.34
But stay tuned because
I want to introduce you to
00:18:43.38\00:18:46.47
a friend of mine here at 3ABN
that you will absolutely love.
00:18:46.51\00:18:49.63
If you are not feeling normal,
if you feel like you have
00:18:49.66\00:18:53.36
never fit in, either I will
adopt you or God can adopt you
00:18:53.40\00:18:57.07
and that is much
better, we will be right back!
00:18:57.10\00:18:59.28
Think you've seen
it all? Think again!
00:19:04.45\00:19:07.24
Cheri Peters is back
for a second season of
00:19:09.07\00:19:11.89
Celebrating Life In
Recovery with more lives
00:19:11.93\00:19:14.72
more stories and more miracles.
00:19:14.75\00:19:17.80
Watch the shocking, the
inspiring, and the incredible.
00:19:17.84\00:19:21.74
Check your local
listings to find out when
00:19:21.77\00:19:24.23
Celebrating Life In
Recovery comes to you and get
00:19:24.27\00:19:27.78
ready for another dose
of reality, Cheri style.
00:19:27.81\00:19:31.29
I find it interesting when
the Holy Spirit was given to me
00:19:46.80\00:19:50.99
by God and the Bible says,
as a father, as our parents
00:19:51.03\00:19:54.24
when they give us good
things, most of our parents.
00:19:54.28\00:19:57.56
When they give us good
things, and they do, that God
00:19:57.59\00:20:00.65
in heaven wants to give
us the best things and He
00:20:00.69\00:20:03.71
mentions that,
that is the Holy Spirit.
00:20:03.74\00:20:05.41
He pours the Holy
Spirit into us, the Holy Spirit
00:20:05.45\00:20:08.89
doesn't just come in and
change things all at once.
00:20:08.92\00:20:12.68
I read in Romans 7 were
Paul says, every single time
00:20:12.71\00:20:16.44
that I want to do good
I don't, in Romans 7:21.
00:20:16.47\00:20:20.37
I want to do good and I
don't, when I want to do evil
00:20:20.41\00:20:23.78
I do good and is like you
are so confused and all over
00:20:23.81\00:20:26.76
the board and finally he
ends with, oh wretched man
00:20:26.79\00:20:29.71
that I am, who
is going to save me?
00:20:29.74\00:20:31.41
Who is going to protect
me from myself, from the war
00:20:31.45\00:20:34.54
that is within myself
and God says, I am, I am!
00:20:34.58\00:20:39.16
It's not anything
that we come up with.
00:20:39.20\00:20:40.87
It is not anything
that I cleverly figure out.
00:20:40.90\00:20:43.53
God says trust Me and I
will change all that for you.
00:20:43.57\00:20:47.66
All that struggle you have,
as you start walking with Me,
00:20:47.70\00:20:51.76
as you trust Me
I'll change that.
00:20:51.79\00:20:53.61
I want to introduce you to
a friend of mine, John Leaman.
00:20:53.64\00:20:56.20
John I want to thank
you for being on the show.
00:20:56.23\00:20:58.45
My pleasure. - it's a
blast to have you here.
00:20:58.49\00:21:00.64
I know that our backgrounds,
not that the stories are the
00:21:00.68\00:21:04.32
same, but we are similar in
some stuff, don't you think?
00:21:04.35\00:21:07.95
Absolutely, I
related very much to what
00:21:07.99\00:21:09.98
you said in the beginning.
00:21:10.01\00:21:11.43
So what did you relate to?
00:21:11.47\00:21:12.82
Mainly about the adoption
thing, I really relate to that.
00:21:12.85\00:21:17.38
But not feeling
like I belonged anywhere.
00:21:17.41\00:21:20.20
Because you never
felt that way, right?
00:21:20.24\00:21:22.96
Right, the very first memory
I have is being three years
00:21:23.00\00:21:26.86
old going to preschool at a
church, maybe about 20-30 kids.
00:21:26.89\00:21:30.68
I hid under furniture in
the house to avoid going there.
00:21:30.71\00:21:34.46
- if nobody found me
they could not take me?
00:21:34.50\00:21:37.43
Right, the reason was when
my parents would leave me there
00:21:37.46\00:21:41.47
I could have sworn to
you, on the Bible if I had one,
00:21:41.50\00:21:45.54
That they all knew exactly
what they were supposed to do.
00:21:45.58\00:21:49.73
They had a meeting about
it and they did it without me
00:21:49.76\00:21:53.57
being there, and when I
walked in I felt like I so don't
00:21:53.60\00:21:57.37
belong here, I just
wanted to run away and go away.
00:21:57.40\00:22:00.39
- At 3? -Yeah, but I could let
anybody know that because even
00:22:00.42\00:22:03.82
then the fear and the
pretending had already started.
00:22:03.85\00:22:06.80
I have to act as if
everything is okay even though
00:22:06.83\00:22:10.20
inside, everything is not.
00:22:10.23\00:22:11.72
So at that age the
tension started to build in me.
00:22:11.75\00:22:15.71
Like you are broke and
everybody else is okay.
00:22:15.74\00:22:19.05
Nobody knows how you
feel, and nobody can do anything
00:22:19.08\00:22:22.59
about it so you will
have to suffer through life.
00:22:22.62\00:22:24.70
- just fake it. - yeah
just act as if everything is
00:22:24.73\00:22:27.86
okay even though it is not.
00:22:27.89\00:22:29.13
Whatever you do don't tell
anybody how you really feel
00:22:29.16\00:22:32.08
because then who knows
what they will do with you.
00:22:32.11\00:22:35.50
The fear of the unknown,
something will happen you just
00:22:35.53\00:22:38.43
did know what, if
somebody found out.
00:22:38.46\00:22:40.71
I needed people to like
me, but that was very difficult
00:22:40.74\00:22:44.26
because I really
didn't like people.
00:22:44.29\00:22:46.15
- I like that. - I
needed them to like me.
00:22:46.18\00:22:49.37
Do you understand? The
dichotomy was my existence was
00:22:49.40\00:22:52.04
that I was torn up
from the inside out and
00:22:52.07\00:22:54.38
I didn't know
what to do about it.
00:22:54.41\00:22:55.77
It paralyzed me every
which way you want to go.
00:22:55.80\00:22:59.62
- so this is preschool, what
about when you started school?
00:22:59.65\00:23:03.26
Did your parents see it?
00:23:03.29\00:23:05.22
They saw it in acting
out, so they look at it as a
00:23:05.25\00:23:09.58
behavioral problem, back
then was early diagnosis of ADD,
00:23:09.61\00:23:14.45
HD whatever, all alphabet soup.
00:23:14.48\00:23:17.67
They tried the medication
but it knocked me out pretty
00:23:17.70\00:23:21.43
much and they
said, no that is worse.
00:23:21.46\00:23:23.17
So I am thankful for that,
that I got to experience it.
00:23:23.20\00:23:26.99
That is one thing I'm grateful
for what has happened to me
00:23:27.02\00:23:29.63
in my life, and I'm
grateful that I was allowed to,
00:23:29.66\00:23:32.53
now other people
may not be grateful.
00:23:32.56\00:23:35.47
But I'm glad that I got to
experience the quote the hell I
00:23:35.50\00:23:40.17
got to experience because
it made me so conscious of the
00:23:40.20\00:23:42.99
fact that God is
real and can save anybody.
00:23:43.02\00:23:45.59
When so many said that to
me the first time, they said,
00:23:45.62\00:23:48.90
you know Cheri, one of these
days you are going to look back
00:23:48.93\00:23:50.94
on your past and say I
wouldn't change a thing.
00:23:50.97\00:23:53.16
I thought are you nuts,
are you absolutely nuts.
00:23:53.19\00:23:56.70
Did you just hear
what my past was like?
00:23:56.73\00:23:58.78
When the day came I thought
I wouldn't change anything
00:23:58.81\00:24:02.08
because I could sit with
anybody and when somebody says
00:24:02.11\00:24:04.42
I feel lost, I know
what that feels like.
00:24:04.45\00:24:06.72
I can really step in and
say, you know what, I know
00:24:06.75\00:24:10.77
somebody that actually is
searching for you and will
00:24:10.80\00:24:12.96
bring you home
and you will be okay.
00:24:12.99\00:24:15.00
So you are saying that kind
of thing, even though it was
00:24:15.03\00:24:18.01
hard and the story we will
hear about your life is tough.
00:24:18.04\00:24:21.24
But you
wouldn't change anything.
00:24:21.27\00:24:23.30
No of course not, my
story really is not anything
00:24:23.33\00:24:26.60
spectacular by any
stretch of the imagination.
00:24:26.63\00:24:29.20
What you just told me was
tough, I'm like, there has got
00:24:29.23\00:24:31.82
to be one or two more things.
00:24:31.85\00:24:33.43
Things have happened
to me or not, they are not
00:24:33.46\00:24:36.16
spectacular honestly, the
way I feel, I believe this and
00:24:36.19\00:24:38.20
the reason I am saying it
like this is not to minimize
00:24:38.23\00:24:40.90
what happened to me, but
I believe so many people go
00:24:40.93\00:24:44.19
through so much less
maybe than even I did,
00:24:44.22\00:24:46.26
but the torture internally
is the same I believe.
00:24:46.29\00:24:51.14
I don't know if I could
prove that, but for anybody to
00:24:51.17\00:24:54.52
come to a position where
they can surrender their will
00:24:54.55\00:24:58.94
essentially that's what we
need to do is surrender our
00:24:58.97\00:25:01.21
will, to gain healing
from God we have to surrender.
00:25:01.24\00:25:03.43
Anybody that is going to
surrender their will and accept
00:25:03.46\00:25:07.54
God's will in it's
place has to be defeated.
00:25:07.57\00:25:10.27
You have to understand
what your condition is.
00:25:10.30\00:25:13.76
Right, and the only way we
get there is by being tortured
00:25:13.79\00:25:16.89
and tormented emotionally,
now how that manifests itself
00:25:16.92\00:25:19.77
in different people is
different, but mine was very
00:25:19.80\00:25:22.14
outward and people realized
what I was going through
00:25:22.17\00:25:24.68
because it just came out.
00:25:24.71\00:25:26.06
So you were exploding and
you were angry and acting out.
00:25:26.09\00:25:29.03
Hiding under tables,
refusing to go somewhere?
00:25:29.06\00:25:31.39
Oh yeah, it was awful.
00:25:31.42\00:25:33.55
There is a history of alcoholism
in my family but it didn't
00:25:33.58\00:25:35.97
really play a huge
role in my childhood.
00:25:36.00\00:25:39.72
My upbringing was good
in many ways, we were fairly
00:25:39.75\00:25:42.88
middle-class, and dad always
worked and mom she had some
00:25:42.91\00:25:47.82
emotional problems and she
was a recovered alcoholic from
00:25:47.85\00:25:50.88
most of my memory.
00:25:50.91\00:25:52.55
She drank when we were
young, but I didn't see
00:25:52.58\00:25:54.02
much of that,
there wasn't any abuse
00:25:54.05\00:25:55.56
in the home, things were okay.
I went to school and got good
00:25:55.59\00:25:58.82
grades, more or less
got along with the kids.
00:25:58.85\00:26:02.41
Okay in school
and the teachers too.
00:26:02.44\00:26:04.58
They'd send good reports home,
John misbehaves a little bit
00:26:04.61\00:26:07.40
in class but boy
he is a bright kid.
00:26:07.43\00:26:09.45
So I was getting praise
all around, upper elementary
00:26:09.48\00:26:14.29
school the girls are attracted
to me and I was attracted
00:26:14.32\00:26:16.86
to them so that is going okay.
00:26:16.89\00:26:19.16
The grades are still
good, but parents are saying,
00:26:19.19\00:26:22.07
you have a lot of promise, a lot
of potential, but down inside
00:26:22.10\00:26:25.25
something was very wrong.
00:26:25.28\00:26:27.29
Still with all that I
don't fit, I'm an outsider.
00:26:27.32\00:26:31.34
It bothers me when I hear
about self-esteem because that
00:26:31.37\00:26:34.29
wasn't really my problem.
00:26:34.32\00:26:35.76
I was an egomaniac with it
inferiority complex. - ouch!
00:26:35.79\00:26:41.01
Do you understand what
I'm saying? - no but tell me.
00:26:41.04\00:26:43.34
Part of me, I just
can't go both places.
00:26:43.37\00:26:46.39
Well I can get so
puffed up, I knew everything.
00:26:46.42\00:26:50.27
You cannot be angry and not
think you know what everybody
00:26:50.30\00:26:53.65
else needs to know.
00:26:53.68\00:26:55.16
That's how or where
the anger comes from.
00:26:55.19\00:26:57.70
I think I know what everybody
else needs to do, right?
00:26:57.73\00:27:00.66
The fact that they
don't do it bothers me so now
00:27:00.69\00:27:02.67
I'm angry at you, and
the same goes for God, right?
00:27:02.70\00:27:05.51
I had to come to a place
eventually in my life where
00:27:05.54\00:27:08.24
I realize there was
a God and I wasn't it.
00:27:08.27\00:27:10.94
- it may not be me.
00:27:10.97\00:27:13.00
That had to happen at some
point but it wasn't happening
00:27:13.03\00:27:15.23
then and I couldn't understand,
but then it would swing
00:27:15.26\00:27:18.10
the other way and I
would feel like I'm worthless.
00:27:18.13\00:27:21.35
I'm no good, I'm defective
because even though I could
00:27:21.38\00:27:24.02
pull off those acts of egoism,
I could play off that I'm
00:27:24.05\00:27:31.39
good, I'm intelligent,
I'm able, smart and what ever.
00:27:31.42\00:27:36.58
I could play that role, but
inside I knew that it wasn't
00:27:36.61\00:27:40.94
real, I knew I
really don't have that.
00:27:40.97\00:27:44.17
There is something
still really wrong with me.
00:27:44.20\00:27:46.42
I was afraid of people to
the extent that, well I'll
00:27:46.45\00:27:51.27
fast-forward it so you can
get an understanding of this.
00:27:51.30\00:27:53.02
When I was sober when I
stopped drinking and I had to
00:27:53.05\00:27:56.62
live life without alcohol,
I thought my neighbors were
00:27:56.65\00:28:01.30
watching me all the time.
00:28:01.33\00:28:02.77
Now I'm not paranoid, you'd
never been able to diagnose
00:28:02.80\00:28:05.56
me as a paranoid schizophrenic
or anything like that.
00:28:05.59\00:28:07.49
Because I could mask
it I could deal with it.
00:28:07.52\00:28:10.42
But why am I feeling this way?
00:28:10.45\00:28:12.67
I couldn't understand that.
00:28:12.70\00:28:13.80
- you were so afraid.
00:28:13.83\00:28:15.24
So even as a kid I'm thinking
everybody's watching me,
00:28:15.27\00:28:18.12
everything that
I do, everything.
00:28:18.15\00:28:19.63
My clothes, my shoes,
everything and they are all just
00:28:19.66\00:28:22.37
waiting until they can
pounce on me and pick me apart.
00:28:22.40\00:28:25.25
And I just thought see
there's the egomaniac, who am I
00:28:25.28\00:28:28.74
to think that everybody,
anybody could care less about
00:28:28.77\00:28:32.17
what is going on with me.
00:28:32.20\00:28:33.77
People just don't have
the time to care that much
00:28:33.80\00:28:36.33
about me, but I thought
that they were, and I thought
00:28:36.36\00:28:38.86
it was all negative you know.
00:28:38.89\00:28:40.20
I thought when
people gave me a compliment,
00:28:40.23\00:28:42.13
my parents included,
they are saying that because
00:28:42.16\00:28:44.87
they feel sorry for me.
00:28:44.90\00:28:46.41
So you couldn't take it, it
couldn't bring you any relief?
00:28:46.44\00:28:50.01
It didn't work, you can
sit there and tell me all day
00:28:50.04\00:28:53.11
long how great you felt I
was and I would think, they
00:28:53.14\00:28:56.91
feel so sorry for me and
that is why they are doing this.
00:28:56.94\00:29:00.59
You know, they
feel so sorry for me.
00:29:00.62\00:29:01.93
- then you would get angry?
00:29:01.96\00:29:03.24
Yeah, then I would be
bitter about it. - exactly!
00:29:03.28\00:29:04.80
So you talk about
when you sobered up,
00:29:04.83\00:29:08.43
when did the alcohol come in?
00:29:08.46\00:29:09.95
I started 16, I had actually
made a decision to never
00:29:09.98\00:29:13.05
drink because I saw
what it did to my mother.
00:29:13.08\00:29:14.80
She was also manic-depressive,
bipolar I guess they call
00:29:14.83\00:29:19.79
it now, so we dealt with
that even after the drinking.
00:29:19.83\00:29:22.87
I didn't see the drinking,
but that seemed to be worse.
00:29:22.90\00:29:27.76
That actually had a
greater toll on her life.
00:29:27.79\00:29:30.94
And the life of us around her.
00:29:30.97\00:29:32.99
I had an aunt that was
bipolar, so when that does, when
00:29:33.02\00:29:37.48
that is on the table there
is no warning when things go
00:29:37.51\00:29:41.64
up and down, and what
really is the saddest thing,
00:29:41.67\00:29:44.68
I think, with people with
bipolar, I don't have it so
00:29:44.71\00:29:46.85
I don't understand it
fully, but you can look in
00:29:46.88\00:29:50.23
their eyes and know
they have no control.
00:29:50.26\00:29:51.87
I don't want be this way, I
don't want be manic right now,
00:29:51.90\00:29:55.00
I don't want to be
depressed right now but
00:29:55.03\00:29:57.34
it is just what I am.
This is just what I feel.
00:29:57.37\00:29:59.70
So the decision was made
in my mind anyway that I was
00:29:59.73\00:30:03.39
never going to drink.
00:30:03.42\00:30:04.53
I watch my
grandfather die of cirrhosis.
00:30:04.56\00:30:06.71
He manage to
function his whole life.
00:30:06.74\00:30:08.93
Well back then they did really
give you DUl's, he was wealthy
00:30:08.96\00:30:12.84
enough and affluent
enough I guess in business life
00:30:12.87\00:30:16.55
when they pulled him over,
they say we're going to take
00:30:16.58\00:30:19.22
you home Mr. Ruff because you
shouldn't be driving right now.
00:30:19.25\00:30:22.58
But he never got
into any real trouble.
00:30:22.61\00:30:24.65
So they didn't rough him up?
00:30:24.68\00:30:25.85
No he never got any real
trouble as a result of it.
00:30:25.88\00:30:28.24
It was bad enough to watch.
00:30:28.27\00:30:30.23
I had an aunt who killed
herself and the daughter of
00:30:30.26\00:30:34.62
that same aunt went
through addiction problems too.
00:30:34.65\00:30:38.38
So I saw this as a child
and said gee, that's simple
00:30:38.41\00:30:41.72
I'm just not going to drink.
00:30:41.75\00:30:42.81
I mean I was capable of
fairly rational thought,
00:30:42.84\00:30:45.48
I wouldn't have been
able to excel in school if
00:30:45.51\00:30:47.25
I didn't have that capacity.
00:30:47.28\00:30:49.11
As we'll see later, I couldn't
really live up to my own
00:30:49.14\00:30:52.67
ideals, and that
was really my problem.
00:30:52.70\00:30:54.91
Lack of power, I just
don't have the power to do what
00:30:54.94\00:30:57.54
I know is right, same as
the manic-depressive person.
00:30:57.57\00:31:00.67
They know the way I'm
living isn't right, but what can
00:31:00.70\00:31:04.01
I do about it
I'm helpless, right?
00:31:04.04\00:31:05.72
So anyway temptation comes
and I'm wanting to bond with
00:31:05.75\00:31:09.07
my brother and He's
drinking and I'm thinking
00:31:09.10\00:31:10.59
what an idiot,
right, what a moron.
00:31:10.62\00:31:12.45
He brings 2-6 packs
home to the house and says,
00:31:12.48\00:31:15.58
I'll put these in your
van and later tonight we'll
00:31:15.61\00:31:19.48
each drink three right?
00:31:19.51\00:31:21.27
Then tomorrow night
we will each drink three.
00:31:21.30\00:31:23.61
I'm thinking well you know
what I thought he was an idiot,
00:31:23.64\00:31:26.08
but that is a pretty good plan.
00:31:26.11\00:31:27.61
That is what we set out to
do and when I drink the first,
00:31:27.64\00:31:33.52
it was just a 12 ounce can.
00:31:33.55\00:31:35.66
I'd had a sip of beer or two
when I was little but it didn't
00:31:35.69\00:31:40.04
do anything to
me, but now it did.
00:31:40.07\00:31:44.20
All the feeling that was
wrapped up in me, all that fear,
00:31:44.23\00:31:48.25
the paranoia, the what's going
to happen to me in the future,
00:31:48.28\00:31:52.02
it all disappeared. - Wow!
00:31:52.05\00:31:54.71
I said, this is what's wrong
with me and it was so clear
00:31:54.74\00:32:00.12
to me that my problem wasn't
everything else, it was just
00:32:00.15\00:32:04.29
I needed alcohol and
that was the solution.
00:32:04.32\00:32:07.97
- You had a beer deficiency?
00:32:08.00\00:32:09.40
Yes, I was chemically
imbalanced and alcohol balanced
00:32:09.43\00:32:12.92
the problem so
hey, everything is cool.
00:32:12.95\00:32:15.54
I just need to figure
out how to make this work,
00:32:15.57\00:32:17.91
and drink at 16 years old,
which doesn't works so good.
00:32:17.94\00:32:22.19
What's really interesting to me
for a lot of people listening,
00:32:22.22\00:32:23.74
that don't have that
kind of deficit, for a lot of
00:32:23.77\00:32:29.15
addicts that is the
first thing that we felt.
00:32:29.18\00:32:31.30
The first time
I took a Quaalude,
00:32:31.33\00:32:32.71
I didn't want to kill myself.
00:32:32.74\00:32:33.97
And it is, Oh my
goodness, this is what works,
00:32:34.00\00:32:39.42
I feel like living. I
feel like laughing. I'm okay.
00:32:39.45\00:32:42.65
The problem is I
never felt that again.
00:32:42.68\00:32:45.70
- you never felt that again?
00:32:45.73\00:32:48.11
I never again felt
like I did that night.
00:32:48.14\00:32:50.29
That euphoria diminished,
it was gradual at first was
00:32:50.32\00:32:56.65
gradual and then, at some
point, it fell off like a cliff.
00:32:56.68\00:32:58.93
The point at which it fell
off a cliff was when I realized
00:32:58.96\00:33:02.31
that there was another way.
00:33:02.34\00:33:04.30
But that is a
little in the future.
00:33:04.33\00:33:06.15
But in the present I
just tried to manage to drink
00:33:06.18\00:33:09.41
whenever I could, I
knew especially at that age,
00:33:09.44\00:33:12.46
you don't know when you
are going to get to do it again
00:33:12.49\00:33:14.54
so you really, really do it
not to mention the fact that
00:33:14.57\00:33:17.17
it did so much for me that
I thought a little was good
00:33:17.20\00:33:21.70
more was better,
that's common sense right?
00:33:21.73\00:33:25.27
so I really went
off the deep end.
00:33:25.30\00:33:28.05
I really went off
the deep end with it.
00:33:28.08\00:33:30.02
- at this point do
your parents know yet?
00:33:30.05\00:33:32.12
They didn't know right
away, I don't know when their
00:33:32.15\00:33:35.33
knowledge came, I do know
that 18 years old my mom said
00:33:35.36\00:33:39.11
that I was
probably an alcoholic.
00:33:39.14\00:33:40.80
So in two years, but looking
back on it I know right now
00:33:40.83\00:33:44.25
that I was born with a tendency
towards alcoholism if not an
00:33:44.28\00:33:49.53
alcoholic seeing
how I had never drink.
00:33:49.56\00:33:51.41
Actually all make this
comment too, I believe the
00:33:51.44\00:33:55.63
difference between my
brother and I, because he is not
00:33:55.66\00:33:57.85
an alcoholic, he doesn't
have a problem to this day.
00:33:57.88\00:34:01.47
He will take a half a
beer and drink it and sit it
00:34:01.50\00:34:05.30
on the table and it will
get hot during the day and
00:34:05.33\00:34:07.50
he'll throw it away.
00:34:07.53\00:34:08.92
People told me I abused
alcohol, I'm thinking that's
00:34:08.95\00:34:11.89
alcohol abuse,
what are you doing?
00:34:11.92\00:34:15.00
What did you spend your
money for and leave it sit there
00:34:15.03\00:34:17.40
like that, somebody needs that.
00:34:17.43\00:34:19.59
So he is not like me in
any way. - that's so funny.
00:34:19.62\00:34:26.90
We both were crazy as
kids, we were both kids.
00:34:26.93\00:34:30.36
- He didn't have a bent
towards alcoholism as you did?
00:34:30.39\00:34:33.60
Not at all, he didn't at
all and I'm going to say this.
00:34:33.63\00:34:35.94
I'm not a doctor and I don't
know anything about anything,
00:34:35.97\00:34:37.79
but I do know what happened
to me in what happened to him
00:34:37.82\00:34:40.13
and what led up to that.
00:34:40.16\00:34:41.49
And it was this, my
parents were not really hippies,
00:34:41.52\00:34:45.39
but they kind of played
around if you know what I mean.
00:34:45.42\00:34:48.16
They had a wild exciting
life I guess in their early
00:34:48.19\00:34:50.75
marriage, but they say
you know what we want to have
00:34:50.78\00:34:53.25
a baby and were going to
quit doing all this stuff
00:34:53.28\00:34:56.17
and we're going to have a baby.
00:34:56.20\00:34:57.54
And they did, they
stopped everything and my mom
00:34:57.57\00:35:01.67
was pregnant with
my brother and totally
00:35:01.70\00:35:03.60
clean through the birth.
00:35:03.63\00:35:05.31
Then they said we can
relax and have some fun again,
00:35:05.34\00:35:08.00
but then I came.
00:35:08.03\00:35:10.44
- they were
using during that time?
00:35:10.47\00:35:12.89
During, and who knows how
long, three or four months and
00:35:12.92\00:35:16.00
this was back in
1969 when I was born.
00:35:16.03\00:35:18.62
So 68 she was pregnant with
me and who knows how long it
00:35:18.65\00:35:22.24
took before she realized it.
00:35:22.27\00:35:23.84
Drinking and smoking cigarettes,
I don't think anything
00:35:23.87\00:35:26.84
else so there you go.
00:35:26.87\00:35:28.80
Now I don't need any
more evidence than that.
00:35:28.83\00:35:31.18
I don't even know anything
else, I know that he turned
00:35:31.21\00:35:34.03
out one way and I do not
hold my parents responsible,
00:35:34.06\00:35:37.02
I absolutely do not.
00:35:37.05\00:35:38.53
I just want to say this, I
mean if you are playing around
00:35:38.56\00:35:41.41
that it does for
ever change this child.
00:35:41.44\00:35:45.27
I work with people all
the time that are dealing with
00:35:45.30\00:35:48.16
kids with ADD and all kinds
of deficits that they have.
00:35:48.19\00:35:53.68
They are hyperactive and
they have attachment disorders
00:35:53.71\00:35:56.63
and all that stuff.
00:35:56.66\00:35:57.71
I really have that sense
too, that it really matters
00:35:57.74\00:36:00.82
what we put in our
body during our pregnancies.
00:36:00.85\00:36:02.76
I just don't want to give the
wrong message like I'm some kind
00:36:02.79\00:36:06.31
of authority on this
issue. - I know you're not.
00:36:06.34\00:36:08.82
I just know my own experience.
00:36:08.85\00:36:10.20
Other than you have to
live with it, you live it.
00:36:10.23\00:36:13.20
I am the result of it
so. - put me in Chapter 4.
00:36:13.23\00:36:15.55
I do know something about it.
00:36:15.58\00:36:16.76
Anyway to fast-forward
through that period I got really
00:36:16.79\00:36:20.14
into it and I chose lifestyle
that allowed me to live
00:36:20.17\00:36:23.11
that way, I went into
the entertainment industry.
00:36:23.14\00:36:25.37
People were pretty accepting
of drinking on the job.
00:36:25.40\00:36:28.93
I needed that, I
needed to be able to do that.
00:36:28.96\00:36:32.10
I did it for a long time, but
eventually they tired of me also
00:36:32.13\00:36:36.21
Because you're alcoholism was
interfering with your ability to
00:36:36.24\00:36:40.02
work? - To work, they
put up with it to a point.
00:36:40.05\00:36:42.86
They even enabled to me,
they said gee John we really
00:36:42.89\00:36:45.31
don't like you doing this,
but there was no consequences.
00:36:45.34\00:36:47.84
I was the one who actually
had to choose to come home
00:36:47.87\00:36:51.48
from Europe to go
into my first rehab.
00:36:51.51\00:36:53.47
The only reason I got that
idea was because some other
00:36:53.50\00:36:56.25
people on the same tour I
was on said they had done it.
00:36:56.28\00:36:59.34
I looked at them and I
said, man I sure don't want to
00:36:59.37\00:37:02.22
be like them, but I
can't stay like I am anymore.
00:37:02.25\00:37:04.60
I just can't. - it
was really killing you?
00:37:04.63\00:37:08.02
Yeah I broke down, I
was so ashamed of myself,
00:37:08.05\00:37:10.97
so pitiful and so
helpless and hopeless and
00:37:11.00\00:37:14.77
I didn't know what else to do.
00:37:14.80\00:37:16.30
But I was misguided because
those two guys, neither one
00:37:16.33\00:37:20.76
of them told me
anything about needing God or a
00:37:20.79\00:37:23.42
higher power or anything,
they just said they went to
00:37:23.45\00:37:26.36
rehab and one of them painted
watercolors and the other
00:37:26.39\00:37:29.16
guy got into his business.
00:37:29.19\00:37:31.09
I thought maybe that
is what I need, a hobby.
00:37:31.12\00:37:34.61
Maybe I just
need some thing to do.
00:37:34.64\00:37:36.11
So here's what I'm
going to do when I get sober,
00:37:36.14\00:37:38.30
I will buy me a nice fancy
red sports car and have me the
00:37:38.33\00:37:41.30
a woman or two or three
or whatever and I will make
00:37:41.33\00:37:44.17
a lot of money and be happy.
00:37:44.20\00:37:45.60
- that's my hobby.
00:37:45.63\00:37:46.97
I just won't drink anymore
and I will stay real busy doing
00:37:47.00\00:37:49.25
that stuff and by the time
I got home that all changed.
00:37:49.28\00:37:53.72
I decided I don't want to
go to rehab, not to stay in
00:37:53.75\00:37:58.15
there because I went thorough
an evaluation, I thought these
00:37:58.18\00:38:01.92
people are crazy,
like they need to be here,
00:38:01.95\00:38:04.54
but me I'm not so bad.
00:38:04.57\00:38:06.23
So I tried the outpatient
and I drank and wrecked my car
00:38:06.26\00:38:10.40
and hid out for
a couple of days.
00:38:10.43\00:38:12.18
Then my mom came and got me
and I went in for inpatient.
00:38:12.21\00:38:16.18
I was drinking during the
outpatient, drinking vodka on
00:38:16.21\00:38:19.28
the way to the place.
00:38:19.31\00:38:20.57
- because you
couldn't smell vodka?
00:38:20.60\00:38:22.20
That's what I thought,
and nobody said anything.
00:38:22.23\00:38:25.47
From another druggie I'm
thinking I thought that too.
00:38:25.50\00:38:28.15
Nobody said anything, I'm
going to rehab standing in the
00:38:28.18\00:38:31.58
circle singing songs and doing
00:38:31.61\00:38:33.17
all these wonderful
things, and I am drunk.
00:38:33.20\00:38:35.32
Nobody said anything to me,
hey John this works better if
00:38:35.35\00:38:38.97
you don't drink,
nobody said anything.
00:38:39.00\00:38:40.88
Then I wrecked my car and
I didn't show up for a couple
00:38:40.91\00:38:43.81
of days, so now
they are worried.
00:38:43.84\00:38:45.09
So I checked myself in
and said I'm going to do what
00:38:45.12\00:38:47.53
they say, I checked myself
in and in two weeks into it
00:38:47.56\00:38:52.32
I made up my mind that
now I know so much about the
00:38:52.35\00:38:54.91
inner workings of my
mind, I know why I drink now.
00:38:54.94\00:38:59.86
I understand how
not to drink, so much.
00:38:59.89\00:39:04.04
I didn't get that part,
you couldn't drink at all.
00:39:04.07\00:39:07.48
Now I know how
not to drink so much.
00:39:07.51\00:39:09.62
I asked them and said
how you know for sure that
00:39:09.65\00:39:12.20
I'm really an alcoholic,
maybe I'm just a heavy drinker
00:39:12.23\00:39:14.70
and if I just hold back?
00:39:14.73\00:39:16.77
They said we really don't
know, we really can't say,
00:39:16.80\00:39:19.88
only you can say.
00:39:19.91\00:39:21.04
I said what is the percentages
and they said 1 in a 1000,
00:39:21.07\00:39:24.07
they probably made that up.
00:39:24.10\00:39:25.41
I said well I
think I'm that one.
00:39:25.44\00:39:27.48
So I had to try and I did.
00:39:27.51\00:39:30.14
My job kept me
employed for the next six weeks.
00:39:30.17\00:39:33.56
You know it's funny
because a lot of druggies are
00:39:33.59\00:39:36.26
alcoholics will come
up with the same thing.
00:39:36.29\00:39:37.96
You know it is not so
much the alcohol, it's just the
00:39:37.99\00:39:41.47
amount, the alcohol
isn't causing this problem.
00:39:41.50\00:39:44.39
We will bargain in the
first part of recovery, we will
00:39:44.42\00:39:47.65
just bargain like crazy,
trying to still be able to at
00:39:47.68\00:39:50.96
least get some
for our body because
00:39:50.99\00:39:53.79
we want to feel normal.
00:39:53.82\00:39:56.80
We want to feel not so twisted.
00:39:56.83\00:39:59.88
You see they probably was
teaching the stuff but I wasn't
00:39:59.91\00:40:02.94
listening, how to go through
this thing and feel normal.
00:40:02.97\00:40:07.08
I had learned about the 12
steps, and I learned I had to
00:40:07.11\00:40:10.47
surrender, but I didn't
know how to do it really, and I
00:40:10.50\00:40:12.78
I didn't want to.
00:40:12.81\00:40:13.81
To put it frankly, I
didn't want to surrender.
00:40:13.84\00:40:15.96
I believed in God and
thought He would take me the way
00:40:15.99\00:40:18.79
I am and fix me if He wants to.
00:40:18.82\00:40:20.47
I will still be able to go
on doing what I want to do.
00:40:20.50\00:40:23.64
I really wasn't interested
in doing anything, I was just
00:40:23.67\00:40:26.64
interested in making you
believe that I was doing it.
00:40:26.67\00:40:29.00
You see, so I'm still playing
the same game I did all my
00:40:29.03\00:40:31.60
life because that's
what I knew how to do.
00:40:31.63\00:40:33.18
This goes on and on and on
for years, so at this point
00:40:33.21\00:40:38.80
life takes a turn for the worse.
00:40:38.83\00:40:40.58
Now I know that there is a
way out, but I'm not willing
00:40:40.61\00:40:43.88
to do it, I was honest up
to a point and said I do have
00:40:43.91\00:40:48.15
a problem and I need help.
00:40:48.18\00:40:49.87
But I am not open-minded
enough to accept that your
00:40:49.90\00:40:52.80
solution is going to
work for me because I'm still
00:40:52.83\00:40:54.94
different, they
said yeah your unique.
00:40:54.97\00:40:58.69
I loved it, they said
everybody is unique, great I'm
00:40:58.72\00:41:02.73
unique and that was wonderful
for me because I thought that
00:41:02.76\00:41:06.15
it is fine that it works for
all of you, this way of life you
00:41:06.18\00:41:08.32
have and you have God and
He takes care of your problems.
00:41:08.35\00:41:10.69
You have faith and
rely on Him, wonderful!
00:41:10.72\00:41:12.41
That is nice for you, but
I'm different and so that is
00:41:12.44\00:41:15.35
not going to work for me.
00:41:15.38\00:41:16.47
God made me smart, and He
made me this, and He made me
00:41:16.50\00:41:19.25
that and so I
still know everything.
00:41:19.28\00:41:20.56
I know what I need to do
to get what I want so I'll be
00:41:20.59\00:41:22.86
happy, so I don't
have to trust God.
00:41:22.89\00:41:24.98
I don't have to rely on
God, so that kept me sick for at
00:41:25.01\00:41:27.94
least five more years.
00:41:27.97\00:41:29.91
I was in and out,
in and out, in and out.
00:41:29.94\00:41:31.95
- and God is just saying,
John come back you don't have
00:41:31.98\00:41:35.45
to struggle, you don't
have to be so tormented.
00:41:35.48\00:41:39.18
Yeah, and the door was
opened in so many ways.
00:41:39.21\00:41:41.37
I tried different 12 step
groups, I tried standing on my
00:41:41.40\00:41:44.54
head doing yoga, I
tried all kinds of self-help
00:41:44.57\00:41:46.92
shenanigans, I
mean I tried everything.
00:41:46.95\00:41:50.28
When I finally got to the place
where I said, you know what,
00:41:50.31\00:41:53.48
I can't do this anymore.
00:41:53.51\00:41:54.67
I absolutely have
to have Your help.
00:41:54.70\00:41:58.04
I am willing to do whatever,
whatever You want me to do.
00:41:58.07\00:42:02.24
I didn't like
with His solution was.
00:42:02.27\00:42:03.88
- what was it?
00:42:03.91\00:42:04.88
It was to go to AA.
- and actually commit?
00:42:04.89\00:42:10.83
I need to clarify this.
I went to AA and I quit.
00:42:10.86\00:42:14.73
I got involved in the
church, my dad recommended me to
00:42:14.76\00:42:17.37
this church, and I did it.
00:42:17.40\00:42:18.55
I went to Bible studies
and did all kinds of stuff and
00:42:18.58\00:42:20.59
got baptized, I came here
got this job and thought okay
00:42:20.62\00:42:22.72
I'm doing what
God wants me to do.
00:42:22.75\00:42:24.52
Life should be great and I
was still as crazy as I was
00:42:24.55\00:42:27.56
when I was three years
old. I couldn't figure out why.
00:42:27.59\00:42:30.47
I'm doing everything y'all
told me to do this, to do this,
00:42:30.50\00:42:33.78
this, this, and
this in I'm doing at all.
00:42:33.81\00:42:35.86
I'm like I'm nuts,
I just can't stand it.
00:42:35.89\00:42:39.30
People could see it
because it was so obvious.
00:42:39.33\00:42:41.04
This guy, what are
we going to do with him?
00:42:41.07\00:42:43.61
Nobody would really say
that to me, but if I cornered
00:42:43.64\00:42:47.01
somebody and say
what am I supposed to do?
00:42:47.04\00:42:49.87
They said well we see that
you are angry and see that you
00:42:49.90\00:42:52.22
are not really happy,
but we want to help you,
00:42:52.25\00:42:54.39
but they didn't know what to do.
00:42:54.42\00:42:55.92
So I end up in rehab again
and I'm like God, what do You
00:42:55.95\00:43:00.36
want me to do, I think I
have done everything I know how
00:43:00.39\00:43:03.10
to do, what He really wanted,
I believe, His purpose for
00:43:03.13\00:43:07.92
me was to be put into
position where I could be most
00:43:07.95\00:43:10.45
effective to
help other alcoholics.
00:43:10.48\00:43:12.49
But also the S. Word has
to come off, to surrender.
00:43:12.52\00:43:18.48
Surrender yeah, oh
man which S. Word is that?
00:43:18.51\00:43:21.33
That is a bad word, to me
when they first said surrender
00:43:21.36\00:43:25.03
I don't even know what
that means, surrender what?
00:43:25.06\00:43:27.19
I may know who I am and
you're asking me to surrender.
00:43:27.22\00:43:29.67
He was like, I want you to
surrender everything to Me.
00:43:29.70\00:43:32.20
Really trust that I am
going to put you where you will
00:43:32.23\00:43:34.82
most be healed and
most help someone else.
00:43:34.85\00:43:37.33
That is what you are saying,
is that you really had to
00:43:37.36\00:43:39.63
learn what is the
process of healing.
00:43:39.66\00:43:44.13
I really had to be
willing to do what God wanted me
00:43:44.16\00:43:46.73
to do and quit
second guessing it.
00:43:46.76\00:43:48.31
So He was looking for that
surrender, and He was looking
00:43:48.34\00:43:51.29
for an open
mind, are you willing?
00:43:51.32\00:43:53.64
Are you open-minded and
willing enough to do what I put
00:43:53.67\00:43:56.38
in front of you, and that
was the thing that up until that
00:43:56.41\00:43:59.23
point I wasn't
willing to do that.
00:43:59.26\00:44:01.03
What is really going to
be hard for me right now,
00:44:01.06\00:44:04.11
is I know we have questions
out here, but I also know
00:44:04.14\00:44:06.58
I want to hear, in a nutshell
the process that He took
00:44:06.61\00:44:11.24
you through as you surrendered,
as you stood back up,
00:44:11.27\00:44:15.62
as you really got an
understanding that I'm going to
00:44:15.65\00:44:19.99
step out of this addiction,
out of this craziness.
00:44:20.02\00:44:23.53
Not that we ever totally step
out of it, until Christ comes
00:44:23.56\00:44:26.41
back I think that we all
will have something that we
00:44:26.44\00:44:29.90
will have to lean on Him with.
00:44:29.93\00:44:31.02
Tell me the process, what things
He had you understand or do?
00:44:31.05\00:44:35.82
I didn't know everything,
that was the big thing.
00:44:35.85\00:44:39.29
- that was huge. -
that was hard for me because
00:44:39.32\00:44:41.39
I thought I had studied
and learned and I do and I know
00:44:41.42\00:44:43.78
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:44:43.81\00:44:44.97
Yeah what I don't know just
give me a book and I'll study.
00:44:45.00\00:44:47.42
I'll figure it out, you know.
00:44:47.45\00:44:48.66
What I had to accept
was that God had a plan and
00:44:48.69\00:44:50.86
I did not have
to know what it was.
00:44:50.89\00:44:52.47
That was the
hardest thing for me.
00:44:52.50\00:44:54.06
To surrender, but there
was a power outside of me that
00:44:54.09\00:44:57.37
I didn't know anything
about, just accepting that
00:44:57.40\00:45:01.30
simple fact, it didn't
matter I knew a lot of stuff
00:45:01.33\00:45:03.63
that was in the Bible.
00:45:03.66\00:45:04.71
It didn't matter because
that knowledge didn't save me.
00:45:04.74\00:45:07.59
The knowledge of my brain
and how it worked, the synapses
00:45:07.62\00:45:11.45
and how alcohol reacted,
that didn't stop me from
00:45:11.48\00:45:14.17
drinking again, even
though I knew that it might mean
00:45:14.20\00:45:16.37
that I would kill
myself, do you think I cared?
00:45:16.40\00:45:18.77
I was looking for a way
out, I couldn't do it by
00:45:18.80\00:45:21.10
my own hand but knew if I
drank too much and happen to
00:45:21.14\00:45:24.10
die that was not
really my fault, was it?
00:45:24.13\00:45:26.04
Maybe they put a little
more alcohol in that bottle or
00:45:26.07\00:45:28.81
something, so I
didn't really commit suicide.
00:45:28.85\00:45:30.98
So I was hoping for a way
out, but God, I heard this
00:45:31.02\00:45:35.24
a long time ago
and I don't know where.
00:45:35.28\00:45:37.45
God moves with the
gentlest hand possible.
00:45:37.49\00:45:39.59
Those 5 years of torture
was the easiest they could have
00:45:39.62\00:45:44.42
been, I could look at
them as that was hard.
00:45:44.45\00:45:46.84
But I'm thinking it
couldn't have been any easier
00:45:46.87\00:45:49.48
or wouldn't have gotten it.
00:45:49.51\00:45:50.89
- right, because God really
wants is to get it because
00:45:50.92\00:45:53.43
He doesn't want
us to be in torment.
00:45:53.47\00:45:55.10
Right, it couldn't
have been any easier for me.
00:45:55.13\00:45:57.32
The moment I made up my
mind that I was going to allow
00:45:57.36\00:46:00.90
God to do something with my
life, and just let Him lead.
00:46:00.93\00:46:04.29
Did I do everything perfectly
from that moment forward?
00:46:04.33\00:46:07.66
Absolutely not. - so you
recognize when Paul says,
00:46:07.69\00:46:10.94
I can't believe the
struggle I have, who's going to
00:46:10.97\00:46:14.54
save me and to me when
somebody reads that easily
00:46:14.58\00:46:17.79
I think, he didn't even
say it easily, he struggled.
00:46:17.83\00:46:21.07
I want to do what is right
and I don't seem like I can.
00:46:21.11\00:46:24.32
I did, and I thought
how can I help people,
00:46:24.35\00:46:27.52
I don't even like people,
really, I sat in a room full
00:46:27.56\00:46:32.19
of people and I know
that's where I'm supposed to be.
00:46:32.22\00:46:36.36
I know I'm supposed to
get what they have and I am
00:46:36.39\00:46:39.33
supposed to be able to
pass it on to other people.
00:46:39.37\00:46:42.07
But I can't even stand
being here with these people.
00:46:42.10\00:46:44.77
How am I
supposed to ever do this?
00:46:44.81\00:46:46.52
- so how did He? -
it happened very slowly.
00:46:46.56\00:46:50.93
I followed minute by minute
one suggestion after another.
00:46:50.97\00:46:54.73
He'd say, talk to somebody.
I don't want to talk to
00:46:54.77\00:46:56.86
anybody, well do it anyway.
00:46:56.90\00:46:58.24
- it doesn't happen overnight.
00:46:58.28\00:46:59.55
They said I had to act as
if, I acted as if all my life.
00:46:59.59\00:47:02.42
I said oh, I can't do that
because I'll be a hypocrite
00:47:02.46\00:47:04.91
then, that's what I can't
stand about people is that
00:47:04.95\00:47:07.37
they are hypocrites, right?
00:47:07.40\00:47:08.97
Now you're asking
me to be one again.
00:47:09.01\00:47:11.95
I'm supposed to get away
from that, but they said trust
00:47:11.99\00:47:14.43
God, trust His
process and you'll get it.
00:47:14.46\00:47:17.21
So I did, I said God I
do not know what else to do.
00:47:17.24\00:47:19.91
I'm going to try it,
and so that is the thing.
00:47:19.94\00:47:22.68
Everybody, I guess I heard
all my life, all you have to
00:47:22.72\00:47:25.75
do is just believe and
have faith that God will do it.
00:47:25.79\00:47:28.81
I didn't have that, I'm
sorry, I hate to disappoint
00:47:28.84\00:47:31.83
everybody, but I
didn't believe it.
00:47:31.86\00:47:33.77
I didn't believe that He
was going to do it for me.
00:47:33.80\00:47:35.92
I thought I had done
too much wrong, I thought
00:47:35.95\00:47:38.07
I had turned my back on
In too many times and that
00:47:38.11\00:47:40.19
There was no way I
was going to believe it
00:47:40.22\00:47:43.43
until He did something.
00:47:43.47\00:47:44.93
There is the
mustard seed, right?
00:47:44.96\00:47:46.69
I said I got nowhere
else to go, I think I'll try.
00:47:46.73\00:47:49.67
So I take one little
step and say, okay God,
00:47:49.71\00:47:52.29
I don't have the
answer what do I do?
00:47:52.33\00:47:54.83
I'd do something, I'd
talk to somebody, or call
00:47:54.86\00:47:57.46
somebody on the phone
and say how are you doing?
00:47:57.50\00:48:00.03
Then I would feel better
and I'd say I don't know why
00:48:00.07\00:48:04.56
this is working, this
is stupid but I would do
00:48:04.59\00:48:07.59
something more,
I'd do something more.
00:48:07.63\00:48:10.23
They would tell me to
write out all the anger issues
00:48:10.27\00:48:13.45
I had in my life and I wrote
a big long list of all that.
00:48:13.49\00:48:15.75
I thought how is
this going to help me?
00:48:15.78\00:48:17.25
I'm just reliving the
past and I've done that enough.
00:48:17.29\00:48:19.57
But I found that it did
point out some issues in my
00:48:19.60\00:48:21.85
character that
needed to be taken care of.
00:48:21.89\00:48:24.09
No matter how much I asked
God to fix me God, fix me God
00:48:24.13\00:48:27.64
He wasn't going to fix
what was wrong with me until
00:48:27.68\00:48:30.69
I identified what it
was and specify, hey God,
00:48:30.73\00:48:34.28
I want You to take
this dishonesty from me.
00:48:34.32\00:48:37.81
I want You to take this
spirit of anger from me.
00:48:37.84\00:48:41.11
I want You to take this
self-centered attitude that
00:48:41.14\00:48:44.37
I'm the center of
the universe from me.
00:48:44.41\00:48:45.91
I had to identify
those things specifically or
00:48:45.95\00:48:48.86
He couldn't, it was
like He was handcuffed.
00:48:48.90\00:48:51.75
I want to help you John,
but I can't because you are
00:48:51.78\00:48:54.54
not working - you're hanging
onto those things tightly.
00:48:54.58\00:48:57.30
Yeah, you talk about
coming in with baggage,
00:48:57.34\00:48:59.57
I'm still carrying some around.
00:48:59.60\00:49:01.23
I am ashamed to admit
that, I'll sit here and say hey,
00:49:01.27\00:49:04.61
I'm not perfect, right?
I'm not proud of that fact.
00:49:04.64\00:49:07.92
But I can't accept the
fact that I am not perfect.
00:49:07.95\00:49:11.71
The easier it is for me
to do that, to accept that,
00:49:11.75\00:49:15.24
and to admit it, then
the easier it becomes to say,
00:49:15.27\00:49:18.73
here it is God, I'll let go.
00:49:18.76\00:49:20.19
- Here it is, take it away.
00:49:20.23\00:49:21.62
Because I am also in
recovery, I feel like when
00:49:27.40\00:49:31.38
I really started to look
at when God felt like I was
00:49:31.42\00:49:34.47
strong enough I could
look at some of those character
00:49:34.50\00:49:37.55
defects, at first I was
ashamed, at first I was afraid
00:49:37.58\00:49:40.59
and I wanted to say
God, just take them.
00:49:40.63\00:49:43.50
He does, and I am
thinking how amazing is that?
00:49:43.54\00:49:46.97
He'll wait for us for a
hundred years if He has to.
00:49:47.00\00:49:50.39
Or we can do it on day one.
00:49:50.43\00:49:52.09
I'm thinking why did it
take me 26 years, because He
00:49:52.12\00:49:55.53
would have said on day
one I would have done this had
00:49:55.57\00:49:58.94
you been able to hand it to Me.
00:49:58.98\00:50:00.56
I know I'm hardheaded and
I know the Lord had given the
00:50:00.59\00:50:03.01
opportunities when I was
young, before I even drank
00:50:03.04\00:50:06.03
God was working with
me, and He gave me ways out.
00:50:06.06\00:50:08.98
I could have chose another
life, I know this for a fact
00:50:09.01\00:50:12.27
that God didn't say,
John is going to have
00:50:12.30\00:50:14.87
to go through this.
00:50:14.90\00:50:16.20
I know I could have
chosen another life because
00:50:16.24\00:50:18.32
I can see those
turning points in my past.
00:50:18.36\00:50:20.52
When I go home at night
I have a mirror that has
00:50:20.55\00:50:23.29
a thing on it, it's a
clear piece of plastic and
00:50:23.33\00:50:26.04
it says, you're
looking at the problem.
00:50:26.07\00:50:28.56
It's in white
letters. I have to know that.
00:50:28.60\00:50:30.80
I have to be
reminded of that every day.
00:50:30.84\00:50:32.97
In my morning devotion
and in the evening I thank God
00:50:33.01\00:50:35.65
for the day that He has
giving me and the opportunity
00:50:35.68\00:50:38.41
to see what is wrong with
me, and then the opportunity
00:50:38.45\00:50:41.15
He has to fix me.
00:50:41.18\00:50:43.12
So the other thing that
is apparently an issue to, or
00:50:43.15\00:50:46.75
the healing thing is that
morning and evening devotions?
00:50:46.79\00:50:50.35
Absolutely, absolutely
for me it is imperative that
00:50:50.39\00:50:53.77
I know where I came from
and that I know were I am.
00:50:53.80\00:50:57.15
Also that I am
continuing on a journey.
00:50:57.19\00:51:01.09
- that I know who God is.
00:51:01.13\00:51:02.42
To know who God is and I
need to know that He is not done
00:51:02.45\00:51:05.55
with me and that I
haven't arrived anywhere.
00:51:05.58\00:51:08.48
I've gotten through
some big things in my life,
00:51:08.52\00:51:11.35
but I know that I'm not
where God would have me to be.
00:51:11.39\00:51:14.85
The journey is awesome.
- the journey is awesome.
00:51:14.89\00:51:16.69
We don't have a lot of
time for questions but at least
00:51:16.73\00:51:18.25
get one, Irma do
you have a question?
00:51:18.28\00:51:20.18
Cheri, this program is really
awesome and we have touched
00:51:20.21\00:51:24.70
so many points and some of
them have really touched me in
00:51:24.73\00:51:29.14
my own life and it's hard
for me to find a real question
00:51:29.17\00:51:33.54
because you have said so much.
00:51:33.58\00:51:36.12
But one of the things I really
see, and I kept hearing is
00:51:36.15\00:51:42.52
the fear, it seems like that
perhaps with you because you
00:51:42.55\00:51:48.89
started so much younger,
but was fear also for you.
00:51:48.92\00:51:53.09
The catalyst for your behaviors.
00:51:53.12\00:51:57.75
That is a great comment or
question because fear for me,
00:51:57.79\00:52:03.08
when you started to
pretend you were someone else,
00:52:03.11\00:52:06.52
is that I could disassociate
anything or anybody but
00:52:06.55\00:52:10.12
myself, is if I was in a
situation, especially when
00:52:10.15\00:52:13.69
I got on the
streets and was homeless.
00:52:13.72\00:52:15.43
I could be anything else,
I looked very confident and
00:52:15.46\00:52:18.48
very comfortable in my own
skin, but what if you asked me
00:52:18.51\00:52:21.21
to be myself I would have
no idea what you were talking
00:52:21.25\00:52:23.91
about, and that's
where the fear would come.
00:52:23.95\00:52:26.40
I was so afraid that somebody
would really find out who I am
00:52:26.43\00:52:30.56
and then they would know I
was a fraud in every other way.
00:52:30.60\00:52:34.70
It sounded like you
were saying the same thing.
00:52:34.73\00:52:37.78
Yeah, if you knew why really
was, you wouldn't like me.
00:52:37.81\00:52:40.43
That's what we
think, that's a lie.
00:52:40.46\00:52:42.53
That's it. - what's
interesting is when God has over
00:52:42.57\00:52:47.23
the years convinced me,
that normal is over rated,
00:52:47.26\00:52:51.86
that everyone has such a unique
gift to give of themselves
00:52:51.89\00:52:56.09
and that we
will not be the same.
00:52:56.12\00:52:58.47
I don't have to
be the same as you.
00:52:58.51\00:53:00.79
I may have some goofy things
about me, but you know what?
00:53:00.82\00:53:04.06
I think you will like me anyway.
00:53:04.09\00:53:05.94
I never felt that way before.
00:53:05.98\00:53:07.75
I have a little poster I
have of snowflakes, it says,
00:53:07.79\00:53:13.48
uniqueness, your unique
just like everybody else.
00:53:13.51\00:53:19.17
We're all unique.
00:53:19.21\00:53:20.54
We are coming to
a close on the show.
00:53:20.57\00:53:23.05
What do you want
people to walk away with when
00:53:23.09\00:53:26.45
they hear your
story and your journey?
00:53:26.48\00:53:28.38
No matter where you think
you are, you absolutely have
00:53:28.41\00:53:31.93
access to the power
that can only come from God.
00:53:31.96\00:53:35.34
I don't care how defeated
you think you are, if you can
00:53:35.37\00:53:38.84
just bring yourself to
the willingness, to have the
00:53:38.87\00:53:42.30
willingness to
reach outside of yourself.
00:53:42.34\00:53:44.46
It wasn't important
for me to know who God was,
00:53:44.50\00:53:47.50
where He came from,
the history behind it.
00:53:47.54\00:53:49.96
The only thing that was
important was to know that I
00:53:50.00\00:53:52.66
needed something, I needed
to reach for something outside
00:53:52.69\00:53:56.28
of myself and as soon as
I did that things happened.
00:53:56.31\00:53:59.57
There is a God
and He cares about me.
00:53:59.60\00:54:02.04
He cares about me, He loves
me. - restored me to sanity!
00:54:02.07\00:54:04.57
Exactly, and I needed that.
00:54:04.60\00:54:08.02
Me too! John I loved having
you on the show and I thank
00:54:08.06\00:54:10.36
you so much, so much. -
It's been wonderful, thank you.
00:54:10.39\00:54:13.27
If you're watching this
show and you feel that you
00:54:13.31\00:54:16.11
understand what it feels
like not fit in, or not to be
00:54:16.15\00:54:19.76
normal, have genetic things
that are just who you are.
00:54:19.80\00:54:23.38
Just what you have to
walk around with, know that
00:54:23.42\00:54:26.83
God is bigger than those things.
00:54:26.87\00:54:29.39
When they told me I had
detachments disorders, bondage
00:54:29.42\00:54:32.51
disorders in nursing school
that was just crazy stuff.
00:54:32.54\00:54:35.58
You don't get well from
that and God just said, shut
00:54:35.62\00:54:38.19
the book because I want
to tell you I am bigger than
00:54:38.23\00:54:40.77
that and I can
restore all that to you.
00:54:40.81\00:54:43.63
I can make you well and
there are things I have to walk
00:54:43.66\00:54:46.59
around with, I'm sure John
the same, is walk around with
00:54:46.63\00:54:49.82
trying to figure out how to
act here or how to be this or
00:54:49.86\00:54:52.87
whatever, but as soon as we
surrender it to God and know
00:54:52.91\00:54:56.44
that God loves me and that
I am an adopted child in the
00:54:56.47\00:54:59.96
kingdom and He absolutely
loves me and I can start
00:55:00.00\00:55:03.50
feeling that it is okay
that I am a little quirky.
00:55:03.54\00:55:07.20
I actually have friends
that say, that's what I love
00:55:07.23\00:55:10.48
about you and the very
things I hid all my life I have
00:55:10.51\00:55:13.72
people saying, that
it's my favorite part of you.
00:55:13.76\00:55:16.23
I think how funny is that?
00:55:16.27\00:55:18.30
God can turn
something I hid all my life into
00:55:18.33\00:55:20.80
their favorite part.
00:55:20.84\00:55:22.35
We will be right back,
stay tuned don't go away,
00:55:22.39\00:55:24.98
we will be right back.
00:55:25.01\00:55:26.15
Cheri Peters uses the
book, 'Coming Of The Comforter'
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as a guide for the second
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00:55:33.21\00:55:36.62
Recovery, written by Lee
Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book
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that offers every
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Holy Spirit is available to all.
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3ABN now offers this book
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Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651
or go online to 3ABN.org.
00:55:51.81\00:55:58.73
You know I have gotten a
lot of things in my own recovery
00:56:11.78\00:56:13.99
to help me be on this journey.
00:56:14.02\00:56:15.74
One of them is this quick
reference, a spiritual reference
00:56:15.77\00:56:19.08
book and there is tons of
them in any Christian bookstore.
00:56:19.12\00:56:22.40
This when you can open it
up and it will say whatever
00:56:22.43\00:56:25.55
you are dealing with whether
it is anger, drug addiction,
00:56:25.59\00:56:28.68
drinking, or whatever
will take you to where
00:56:28.71\00:56:30.72
the Bible talks about it.
00:56:30.76\00:56:32.20
I'm going to take you to some
I found in our devotions today.
00:56:32.23\00:56:36.21
One of them says I'd say
Isaiah 44:22, 23 I'm going to do
00:56:36.24\00:56:39.90
just 22, "I have swept
away your offenses like a cloud
00:56:39.93\00:56:43.87
your sins like the
morning mist, returned to me for
00:56:43.90\00:56:47.93
I have redeemed you,
sing for joy, shout to God".
00:56:47.97\00:56:51.96
The whole book is
just full of these things.
00:56:53.85\00:56:56.73
One of the areas in
sanctification talks about,
00:56:56.77\00:56:59.58
sanctification is when I
turn it over to God and He grows
00:56:59.61\00:57:02.87
me everyday, how He gives
me a sense of myself and its
00:57:02.90\00:57:06.07
says in Psalms 1:19 "I have
hidden your word in my heart
00:57:06.10\00:57:09.23
that I may not
sin against you. "
00:57:09.27\00:57:10.51
We don't know how to live
a good life for what sin is
00:57:10.55\00:57:14.00
unless we start paying attention
to what the Word of God
00:57:14.03\00:57:17.44
says, so jump into that.
00:57:17.48\00:57:18.81
It is absolutely important
to understand what the Bible
00:57:18.85\00:57:22.03
says, what God says,
who He is, and that stuff.
00:57:22.07\00:57:25.17
Not who He is as far as
doctrinal things, that is all in
00:57:25.21\00:57:28.34
another show, some
body hosts that altogether.
00:57:28.38\00:57:30.45
I'm talking about who God is
in a relational sense so that
00:57:30.49\00:57:33.73
you know you are forgiven.
00:57:33.76\00:57:35.31
If you don't mind I know
there is people out there that
00:57:35.35\00:57:39.03
are trying to come to
grips with God that is amazing
00:57:39.07\00:57:42.30
and He will heal you I
want to have a quick prayer
00:57:42.34\00:57:45.54
before we end.
00:57:45.57\00:57:47.23
Father I just pray for You
to touch us, change us, let us
00:57:47.27\00:57:51.16
know how much You love us
and let us know that we are
00:57:51.20\00:57:55.02
adopted, let us know that Your
Holy Spirit will so fill and
00:57:55.06\00:57:57.78
guide us so we don't have to
be afraid anymore and I thank
00:57:57.81\00:58:00.83
you for anybody listening
to this, just pray that you'll
00:58:00.86\00:58:03.84
put your healing hand
on them and I thank you for
00:58:03.88\00:58:05.63
that in Jesus name.
00:58:05.66\00:58:07.23
You know when you are struggling
with these things, get on
00:58:07.26\00:58:10.89
your knees, stand up and
shout however you pray but just
00:58:10.93\00:58:14.52
ask God for His
Holy Spirit to heal you.
00:58:14.56\00:58:17.07
Ask Him to give you a life
that you will just shout for
00:58:17.11\00:58:20.32
joy about until we see you
next time always remember that
00:58:20.35\00:58:23.53
God is crazy
about you and me too.
00:58:23.56\00:58:25.92