Welcome to
Celebrating Life In Recover,
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I Cheri your host and
today we are going to look at
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self-mutilation.
It's a tough topic.
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But you will be
blessed so stay with us.
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You will learn a lot about
why people do what they do.
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You know when I think about
this show, I think about all
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the different
things we've covered.
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This is going to be a tough
topic for most people because
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we do not want to think that
the abuser becomes our self.
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That we start out with all
these traumas, all this stuff
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and we become the one
that hurts us the most.
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We punish ourselves the most.
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In this show we are
going to talk about physical
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punishment that people
do and how God steps in and
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just changes all that.
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I don't care what your
issue is, I don't care what your
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addiction is, what things
you lie to yourself about,
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God is bigger than all
of them, absolutely bigger
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than all of them.
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When I first got into recovery
there were things that I
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would remember and think I
absolutely don't want to bring
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this to God, I absolutely
don't want to say this out loud.
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I absolutely don't want to
admit that this is part of who
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I am and God says to me
through the Holy Spirit,
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just gently, Cheri
put it on the table.
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No, I can't do it I
can't put it on the table.
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He was like,
put it on the table.
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I would put it on the table
with shaky hands thinking that
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God is going to
not like me after this.
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He quickly cleared the
table and set a banquet.
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He said I love you, I forgive
you for every single thing.
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I forgive you for everything
that has been done to you
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and everything you
did in response to that.
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I forgive you for all the anger.
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When I first read in the
Bible from David, David is
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talking to somebody
about somebody and he says,
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God I want you to
bash their teeth in.
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I'm thinking,
did I just read that?
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Shut up, this is too good
because I have thought that.
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He says I forgive you for
every time you thought that.
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It is so real
and God is so real.
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We are going to talk
about some of that stuff today.
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Our scripture text for
this series is Psalm 51
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and I love it.
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I want to read this one and
we will probably do different
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parts of Psalm 51.
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But this particular
verse starts at how about 10.
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"Create in me a clean
heart oh God and renew a right
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spirit in me. "
A steadfast spirit.
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I'm saying oh please
because I am such a mess.
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"Cast me not away from
your presence and take not your
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"Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your
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"salvation and uphold me
with your willing spirit then
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"I will teach transgressors
your ways and sinners shall be
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"converted and
returned to you. "
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I think how absolutely cool
is that, that God would come
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up and teach me how to be right.
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Teach me how to get all
the junk out, to heal from all
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that junk and then I get to
say, wow, can I teach you what
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I learned because it's so cool?
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That is what we are going
to cover today and I want to
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introduce you to
people at the café.
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We have some incredible folks.
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We've got Vicky Duffy and
we are going to do an interview
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today, Lisa, I hope we hear
some of your testimony today.
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Sharon, Helen, right?
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Samantha and Steve, Samantha
and Steve have a ministry
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that we will cover on another
show because it is awesome.
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But today we're going to
talk about self-mutilation.
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I want to start by telling
you, because when I talk about
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different things, about
self injury, self mutilation and
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those things, I hear
clinical descriptions of that.
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Self-mutilation is when
you scratch on yourself, cut on
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yourself, burn yourself.
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And those are the lighter
self mutilations, although they
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can get pretty heavy.
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Major self mutilations you
can pluck your eyes out, you can
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mutilate yourself
in your private areas,
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so you can do
all kinds of stuff.
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Self-mutilation has
all kinds of different
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degrees in that.
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Some people talk about
suicide as self-mutilation,
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it is not, that is beyond.
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It is where you
actually take yourself out.
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Self-mutilation means I
just want to stop hurting and I
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think if I hurt
my body I can stop.
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So I'm going to tell you
about a girl I know because
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I want you to see it in
the face of people, not in what
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somebody says it is or isn't.
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I met a kid and this kid
came up to me, I'm doing a talk.
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If I tell you on Mars you
wouldn't believe me so let's say
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LA, I'm doing a talk in
LA at a treatment center.
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This little girl comes
up, she is 13 or 14 years old.
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She is adorable, adorable
and I can see by her bright
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blue eyes, that inside
this hard looking kid that
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comes up is this child.
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She has long blonde hair,
she has black roots that are
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showing about two to 3
inches in her hair is greasy.
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She looks hard, she looks
like somebody has really trashed
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this kid, but in her
eyes I see this little girl.
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She is just this little
girl and I had just got done
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telling my testimony.
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I'm a heroine addict, was
homeless for 10 years, I was
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bored to 14 and 16-year-old
parents that had five kids
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before they were 21
and the abuse was amazing.
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I said amazing, the abuse
was horrendous after I tell that
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how I met God and how God
steps in with His Holy Spirit
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and just filled me up with
the promise that He could bring
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change into my life.
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That He had a future and a
plan for me that He did not
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want me stuck there.
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Now I travel all over the
world and I love life, and I
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laugh out loud and I'm married
to this incredible guy and
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I have a daughter that has
never done drugs in her life.
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Hello! Does anyone want
to clap or say Amen to that?
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How amazing is that?
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So I was talking about that
when this little kid comes up.
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She says, Cheri I don't
know how to not get high because
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when I stop using drugs,
when I stop cutting on myself,
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when I stop doing this
stuff the images that flood
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my mind are unbelievable.
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Most people know if you watched
the series, my dad started
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molesting me at birth and
was caught the first time when
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I was three months old.
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I have her horrendous nightmares
of some of the stuff that
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happened to me as a child.
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So I know what this kid is
saying, I know exactly what
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she is saying and so I said.
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Then she said Cheri how
do you get over these images?
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How do you get over that junk?
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I know there are things I
could tell her that would do
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that, hook up with the group,
make sure you have somebody
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you can talk to, get
into therapy if you have to.
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Because I'm thinking therapy,
grab a friend that's really
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insightful, get a pastor,
get a church group because
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sometimes
therapists are a little goofy.
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If you are a therapist,
please take that in a nice way.
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So just hook up with someone,
but I didn't have a lot of
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time to say that so what I
said to her was, you know I
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prayed like crazy and God
gave me an image to look at.
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Of myself how, He
sees me, and you know what?
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I am so beautiful in His eyes.
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This child, I'm so pure
and standing in the holy of
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Holies, in the
presence of His Father.
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I have the right to be
there because I am His child.
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It is amazing, amazing.
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So I said just ask Him to
show you who you are in His
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eyes and she says I can't.
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She starts weeping. I said
you can't, you can, you can.
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I want to grab her and
shake her and say I promise you
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you can and He will listen.
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I promise you He will
listen because God is absolutely
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crazy about us and He
absolutely wants to heal you.
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I know there is
nothing you could have done.
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I'm thinking at 14 there is
nothing she could have done.
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She's like I
can't. I said, you can.
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She said I can't and
she cried really hard.
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I said why can't you?
She said I'm an atheist.
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I said oh God
doesn't care about that.
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I watched the Holy
Spirit just fill her up.
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Every single thing about
her change in that second.
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God doesn't care about that,
say whatever you want to say.
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I'm an atheist, I am a
cutter, I'm gay, I'm a murderer,
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I'm what ever and God says,
I don't care about all that.
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I want to bring life to
you, I want to heal you.
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And absolutely, I don't
care what anyone says that
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is who God is, and
if you don't believe it,
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read the New Testament.
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Read the New Testament,
watch Jesus walk to every single
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person, he walks to the
Demoniac, the demoniac, talk
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about a self-mutilator?
Cutting on himself with stones.
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Filled with a thousand demons.
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Angry, killing people
off, beating people up,
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kicked out of town, crazy
as anything and God walks up to
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him and says there is a
small part of this guy's heart
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that wants to be
well and God said,
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I'm calling all the demons
out of you, I'm going to give
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you life and the guy wept
and said, I want to go with You
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now and God said
no don't go with Me.
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Go tell someone, and
that's what Psalm says,
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to go tell someone.
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So this kid, I
can't tell you her name,
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let's pretend
her name is Lindsay.
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Lindsay, a little Caucasian
girl, beautiful blue eyes,
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14 years old and I find out
her mother was a prostitute.
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Right, so she was pulled
around with all her moms gigs
00:10:10.25\00:10:14.90
when she was
working, a working mom.
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Her mom died of AIDS when
Lindsay was two years old.
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What they did with Lindsay
after that, they put her in
00:10:21.33\00:10:24.92
child pornography because
people had to make money.
00:10:24.96\00:10:28.45
So Lindsay was in child
pornography from that time
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until she was 14 years old
when she was court appointed
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to go into
treatment, court appointed.
00:10:35.53\00:10:38.59
So I'm not going into depth
about how injured this child
00:10:38.62\00:10:43.01
was, but she survived her
stuff by cutting on herself,
00:10:43.04\00:10:47.75
by burning herself, by
doing drugs, by disassociating.
00:10:47.79\00:10:52.46
She's survived her stuff
by doing whatever she could to
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get through the day and
she got through the day.
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Now at 14 years old
she finally gets it,
00:10:59.78\00:11:03.57
that Jesus loves
me, Jesus loves me.
00:11:03.61\00:11:07.33
He knows every movie I've
been in, every sick thing that
00:11:07.37\00:11:12.29
I have done or had done to me,
00:11:12.32\00:11:14.84
He knows that and He loves me.
00:11:14.87\00:11:17.32
Somebody has to hear me,
somebody has to hear me say it
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doesn't matter to Him
because He knows we are a mess.
00:11:21.73\00:11:24.90
The Bible says that the
best of the best of us are like
00:11:24.94\00:11:27.98
filthy rags and I always
want to say what that means.
00:11:28.01\00:11:31.12
But I'm told I cannot say
that but it's filthy rags.
00:11:31.15\00:11:34.31
So the best of the best of
us are like filthy rags and
00:11:34.35\00:11:37.48
God says I know all
that and I want to step in.
00:11:37.51\00:11:40.77
But to step in with
self mutilator's, with people
00:11:40.81\00:11:44.12
that have been trashed,
and you know the most normal
00:11:44.16\00:11:47.69
people I know I can sit
down with them and hear stories
00:11:47.73\00:11:51.43
that are horrendous, horrendous,
and eating disorders.
00:11:51.46\00:11:55.12
You know that eating
disorders is a form of self
00:11:55.16\00:11:57.09
mutilation and a lot of
people will starve themselves.
00:11:57.13\00:12:00.83
I'm going to go back
to talk about Lindsay.
00:12:00.86\00:12:04.38
I'll talk about her
at the end of the show.
00:12:04.41\00:12:07.85
I would like to talk
about the topic today of self
00:12:07.89\00:12:10.80
mutilation and I want
to show you a graphic.
00:12:10.84\00:12:14.48
It's current trend
right now that's called
00:12:14.51\00:12:18.09
scarification, that is
where mutilator's literally cut
00:12:18.12\00:12:22.36
into the skin and carved
in different shapes, different
00:12:22.40\00:12:26.50
designs and I would say
when you cut in you are cutting
00:12:26.53\00:12:29.75
off a quarter of an inch
of skin and going all through
00:12:29.78\00:12:32.96
those first layers
and then let it heal.
00:12:33.00\00:12:35.53
It is amazing what
people are doing right now.
00:12:35.56\00:12:37.91
I have met people that
are tattooing, but tattooing
00:12:37.95\00:12:41.08
every part of their body.
00:12:41.11\00:12:42.59
I have met people that are
piercing every part of their
00:12:42.62\00:12:46.83
body and a lot of people met
tattoo Jim that I have worked
00:12:46.86\00:12:50.79
with and he had 15 facial
piercings and tattoos all over
00:12:50.82\00:12:54.72
his body and that kind of stuff.
00:12:54.75\00:12:56.25
So I have met people that
are really getting into some
00:12:56.28\00:12:59.92
really severe self injury.
00:12:59.96\00:13:02.70
What is interesting to me
about self mutilation, and we
00:13:02.73\00:13:06.06
will talk a little about
this, I'm finding out about self
00:13:06.10\00:13:09.39
mutilation is that when I
cut on myself, when I take
00:13:09.43\00:13:14.16
something and cut or burn
or some people break bones.
00:13:14.20\00:13:18.62
They literally will slam
their body or head or what ever
00:13:18.66\00:13:23.04
into someplace
until they break bones.
00:13:23.08\00:13:25.44
I worked with people that
will literally jump up, I did
00:13:25.48\00:13:28.31
psych nursing for a while, I
worked with people that would
00:13:28.34\00:13:31.40
literally jump up and slam
their head into a table just to
00:13:31.44\00:13:34.46
get the release from the
damage and pain they feel.
00:13:34.50\00:13:38.10
It's really intense stuff,
but when that happens, when you
00:13:38.14\00:13:41.32
really injure yourself
that much your body thinks it is
00:13:41.36\00:13:44.51
being killed, right?
00:13:44.54\00:13:45.96
Your body thinks oh,
man something's happening?
00:13:45.99\00:13:48.52
So biochemically your body
sends natural painkillers and to
00:13:48.55\00:13:53.28
keep you from going into
shock and that stuff your body
00:13:53.31\00:13:57.01
will do whatever it takes to
go to that area and calm you.
00:13:57.04\00:14:00.70
People get addicted to
their own body chemistry.
00:14:00.74\00:14:04.56
Isn't that interesting?
But like any addiction,
00:14:04.59\00:14:08.34
if I scratch myself and my
body says man, I think this has
00:14:08.38\00:14:13.54
to be dealt with and sends
me a chemical to do that, the
00:14:13.57\00:14:17.99
next time I scratch myself
my body says oh no, she is just
00:14:18.03\00:14:22.41
doing that so then
I have to cut more.
00:14:22.44\00:14:24.38
I had to do more intense,
like any addiction I have
00:14:24.42\00:14:27.65
to do more and more intense.
00:14:27.69\00:14:28.96
My body will start to self
medicate and I will get strung
00:14:29.00\00:14:32.83
out on my own chemicals.
00:14:32.87\00:14:35.85
How they are treating some self
mutilation right now, which I
00:14:35.89\00:14:39.65
think is interesting, they are
giving antagonist to opiates.
00:14:39.69\00:14:43.42
So they are giving them
medication that will stop the
00:14:43.45\00:14:46.38
opiate affect in your
body so that you don't get the
00:14:46.41\00:14:49.31
reinforcement for
the drug when you cut.
00:14:49.34\00:14:52.35
Does that make
sense? It's just crazy!
00:14:52.39\00:14:55.33
We are going to go ahead and
take a break and when we come
00:14:55.37\00:14:58.46
back I am going to let you
see what I am talking about in
00:14:58.49\00:15:01.27
that testimony of a friend
of mine Vicky Duffy who wrote
00:15:01.30\00:15:04.35
a book called 'No More
Pain', an unbelievable story.
00:15:04.38\00:15:07.86
Not so much Vicky's
story, it's a story about God.
00:15:07.89\00:15:11.08
It really vindicates who
God is in all of our lives.
00:15:11.11\00:15:14.26
So stay tuned, we
will be right back.
00:15:14.30\00:15:15.82
Think you've seen
it all? Think again.
00:15:22.36\00:15:25.72
Cheri Peters is back
for a second season of
00:15:25.76\00:15:29.30
Celebrating Life In
Recovery with more lives
00:15:29.34\00:15:32.84
more stories and more miracles.
00:15:32.88\00:15:35.69
Watch the shocking,
inspiring, and the incredible.
00:15:35.73\00:15:39.61
Check your local
listings to find out when
00:15:39.65\00:15:42.13
Celebrating Life In
Recovery comes to you and get
00:15:42.17\00:15:45.77
ready for another dose
of reality, Cheri style.
00:15:45.81\00:15:49.38
This is absolutely my
favorite part of the show.
00:16:04.75\00:16:06.74
It shows how incredible God
is, how cool He is, how much
00:16:06.77\00:16:10.89
He loves us, and I'm
going to stop at that.
00:16:10.93\00:16:13.82
You just pay
attention, you'll love this.
00:16:13.85\00:16:16.67
Vicky Duffy, I want to
thank you for joining us on the
00:16:16.71\00:16:20.00
show and I want to say
that the first time I met you,
00:16:20.04\00:16:23.30
I met you on my space.
00:16:23.34\00:16:25.51
A lot of people are not
even going to know what that is.
00:16:25.55\00:16:29.43
I met you on the Internet
and I loved you then and was
00:16:29.46\00:16:33.31
hoping you could be on the show,
00:16:33.34\00:16:34.71
so I am thrilled
to have you here.
00:16:34.75\00:16:36.05
I'm thrilled to be here
and I want to jump right into
00:16:36.08\00:16:39.47
things and you have mentioned
the man who had the legion
00:16:39.50\00:16:42.85
of demons - the demoniac! - yes.
00:16:42.88\00:16:46.07
That was in the book of Mark.
00:16:46.10\00:16:49.22
I want to just backtrack because
this part is so important
00:16:49.25\00:16:53.15
I wasn't brought up in
church and didn't know anything
00:16:53.19\00:16:57.05
about the things of God.
00:16:57.09\00:16:58.66
I love when you say that so
nicely, because you had such a
00:16:58.69\00:17:02.12
twisted testimony, and here
like I wasn't in the church.
00:17:02.16\00:17:05.55
I'm thinking oh man,
wait until they hear this.
00:17:05.58\00:17:08.23
So I had been given a
Bible and will start off at that
00:17:08.27\00:17:13.27
point and when I got the
Bible after about a month of
00:17:13.30\00:17:18.24
having it and letting it be
a nice decorative piece on the
00:17:18.27\00:17:21.37
floor, - not even
on the coffee table.
00:17:21.40\00:17:23.69
No, it didn't
make the coffee table.
00:17:23.72\00:17:25.94
I picked it up and
flipped the pages and said,
00:17:25.97\00:17:29.15
what is this? Mark, Psalms
00:17:29.18\00:17:31.75
I didn't understand how
this book was formulated and it
00:17:31.78\00:17:35.23
has numbers all
by these sentences.
00:17:35.27\00:17:37.20
I didn't get it, and said
what is wrong with this thing?
00:17:37.24\00:17:40.69
- I just want to read it. - yeah
00:17:40.73\00:17:43.57
So I picked it up and it
opened right up to what I know
00:17:43.61\00:17:46.65
now as the book of Mark chapter
5 and I proceeded to read
00:17:46.68\00:17:49.69
it, I became very
angry and agitated.
00:17:49.72\00:17:52.41
It went into this one to
two hour debate conversation
00:17:52.44\00:17:56.91
swearing session with God.
00:17:56.94\00:17:58.64
I know people will, ahh
you swore at the Almighty God!
00:17:58.67\00:18:02.12
Yes I did, I was like hey
this guy was cutting himself
00:18:02.16\00:18:05.58
night and day with stones.
00:18:05.61\00:18:07.64
Obviously very tormented
and had a lot going on.
00:18:07.67\00:18:11.42
Then he goes up to Jesus
and says, in so many words.
00:18:11.46\00:18:15.14
Who do you think you are a
type of thing and Jesus healed
00:18:15.18\00:18:19.25
him and the man
is in his right mind.
00:18:19.29\00:18:21.05
He says, I want
to go with you Jesus.
00:18:21.09\00:18:22.78
He said no, you go and
tell everybody on Decapolis,
00:18:22.82\00:18:25.78
which we know is 10
cities which is a lot of places.
00:18:25.82\00:18:28.71
Go tell everybody what I've
done for you and how the Lord
00:18:28.75\00:18:31.53
had compassion on you.
00:18:31.56\00:18:32.75
So I was like, if you can
do that for him, do it for me.
00:18:32.78\00:18:36.77
I take the Bible and I'm
throwing it and I'm swearing and
00:18:36.81\00:18:40.17
said, this word and that
word and every word imaginable
00:18:40.21\00:18:43.53
for an hour or two hours.
00:18:43.57\00:18:46.28
Because I wanted that, if
You are real, if You are truly
00:18:46.32\00:18:50.16
real and a
living God, the Jesus.
00:18:50.20\00:18:52.16
I didn't understand that He
is the same as God, so I said
00:18:52.20\00:18:57.26
if You really heal and
do what You said, I want it.
00:18:57.30\00:19:00.20
- I have to have it. - I
did because I was a living
00:19:00.24\00:19:03.75
mess and I was at the
brink of a point where I wasn't
00:19:03.78\00:19:07.26
going anywhere but down.
00:19:07.29\00:19:09.02
What is interesting to me
for a lot of people in the book
00:19:09.05\00:19:12.02
of Mark when they talk
about the demoniac and the guy
00:19:12.06\00:19:14.95
cutting on himself with
stones, you say will say I don't
00:19:14.99\00:19:17.85
know if there are
real people like that?
00:19:17.89\00:19:19.51
For somebody that is a
cutter, somebody that is living
00:19:19.55\00:19:24.28
that demon possessed existence,
you are saying I am him.
00:19:24.31\00:19:29.01
I am him and so you
didn't start out with that.
00:19:29.04\00:19:32.21
Let's go back to your life.
00:19:32.24\00:19:35.70
How did you get
into self mutilating?
00:19:35.74\00:19:40.07
Well have to go back to the
beginning just basically mom
00:19:40.10\00:19:44.06
and dad met in high
school, they were high school
00:19:44.09\00:19:46.12
sweethearts and
they got married.
00:19:46.15\00:19:48.09
I was born after my brother
and we are about 2 years apart
00:19:48.12\00:19:52.35
and mom developed alcoholism
shortly after they got
00:19:52.39\00:19:58.88
divorced, mom and dad.
00:19:58.92\00:20:00.40
But before that, no alcoholism,
no acting out as far as
00:20:00.43\00:20:06.16
the home was, it
sounds like it was good.
00:20:06.19\00:20:08.37
Oh yeah we had a great little
life, little quirky things
00:20:08.40\00:20:12.16
that kids do where I would
be antsy three-year-old and
00:20:12.19\00:20:15.91
drink a bottle of
aspirin because I was hungry.
00:20:15.95\00:20:18.16
I would fall down the
steps, what we think are silly
00:20:18.20\00:20:21.08
things, they can't be
serious but silly little things.
00:20:21.11\00:20:24.27
Like a very nice life, great
mom and dad and had a great
00:20:24.31\00:20:27.43
house in the suburbs.
00:20:27.47\00:20:28.95
Dad, mom had a couple Mercedes
and were doing very well
00:20:28.98\00:20:32.25
with dad being in
college and so forth.
00:20:32.28\00:20:35.28
The marriage ended after
seven years and mom developed
00:20:35.32\00:20:39.35
alcoholism, now she was
drinking throughout the marriage
00:20:39.38\00:20:43.50
as was dad but developed
the alcoholism and therefore
00:20:43.53\00:20:47.60
with that she didn't get
custody of my brother and I.
00:20:47.64\00:20:51.87
I believe there was a
question on who was going to get
00:20:51.91\00:20:56.10
custody and this and that.
00:20:56.14\00:20:57.72
Mom had my brother and
I visit in Seaside Heights
00:20:57.75\00:21:01.19
New Jersey and we
would visit down there.
00:21:01.23\00:21:03.74
As a mom was trying to gain
custody of us kids I get lost.
00:21:03.77\00:21:09.03
I was missing for 12 hours,
so here is mom trying to get
00:21:09.06\00:21:14.28
her life together and
get her kids and I get lost.
00:21:14.31\00:21:17.24
She does get custody of us
and within a few months, I was
00:21:17.28\00:21:21.22
about five years old and
mom made some poor choices,
00:21:21.26\00:21:25.11
as we all have in life.
00:21:25.15\00:21:26.83
And she drinking it impaired
her judgment and she invited
00:21:26.87\00:21:30.68
different people over to
the house at different times to
00:21:30.72\00:21:34.50
drink or party or what have you.
00:21:34.53\00:21:36.02
On one particular evening
this fella, who have become her
00:21:36.06\00:21:40.85
boyfriend, he went
into my room and raped
00:21:40.88\00:21:44.94
me and molested me.
00:21:44.97\00:21:46.49
Some people talk about
molest, you call it rape.
00:21:46.52\00:21:49.83
Well there is two types
of things, molestation is
00:21:49.87\00:21:53.11
basically when you are touching
and doing other things to
00:21:53.15\00:21:57.37
a person, rape is when you
are actually having sexual,
00:21:57.41\00:22:01.60
forced sex, intercourse
and I was five years old.
00:22:01.63\00:22:05.66
So both things had happened
and I have to leave out a lot
00:22:05.69\00:22:09.11
of details for the
sake of the audience.
00:22:09.15\00:22:11.10
You don't want to offend
somebody but every single time
00:22:11.14\00:22:14.54
that I talk to somebody
that is really lost in drug
00:22:14.58\00:22:17.64
addiction or a lot of
different types of addictions
00:22:17.67\00:22:20.87
there is a really
violent sexual crimes that have
00:22:20.91\00:22:23.60
happened to them,
usually as a real little kid.
00:22:23.63\00:22:26.25
What you're saying is that
with the alcoholism, and with
00:22:26.28\00:22:31.16
your mom's choices that
you had a lot of sexualized
00:22:31.19\00:22:33.58
behavior around you
anyway and then this rape.
00:22:33.62\00:22:36.73
Um Hum - then your
whole world changed?
00:22:36.77\00:22:39.47
My whole world changed
and I kept it a secret because
00:22:39.50\00:22:43.32
this man threatened me that
he would end the lives of my
00:22:43.35\00:22:47.14
family members and
pulled on a heartstring
00:22:47.17\00:22:49.68
of a five-year-old.
00:22:49.71\00:22:50.84
It even included the family dog.
00:22:50.88\00:22:52.39
Six months later mom
gained sobriety and I told her.
00:22:52.43\00:22:58.39
I came forward and told her
and she didn't press charges,
00:22:58.43\00:23:03.88
there are a lot of reasons why.
00:23:03.92\00:23:05.29
She tried, went to a police
officer friend she knew and
00:23:05.33\00:23:09.63
tried to pursue a lot of
different avenues of getting
00:23:09.66\00:23:13.17
this man tried and
there were a lot of reasons.
00:23:13.20\00:23:16.63
He was connected with certain
types of people that could
00:23:16.67\00:23:20.14
threaten her life and so
forth so she decided back then,
00:23:20.18\00:23:23.62
how children
were put on the stand,
00:23:23.65\00:23:26.79
she decided not to do that.
00:23:26.83\00:23:28.73
So as I got older I
resented her for that.
00:23:28.77\00:23:31.74
Like where were you
to protect your child.
00:23:31.78\00:23:34.68
It is bad enough you may
this poor choice and so forth.
00:23:34.71\00:23:38.02
But right around then,
6, 7, 8 mom was beautiful.
00:23:38.05\00:23:42.64
She made Farrah Fawcett
look like a common woman.
00:23:42.67\00:23:47.19
She was very physically
beautiful and that was actually
00:23:47.22\00:23:50.41
her biggest flaw because
she attracted every kind, every
00:23:50.44\00:23:54.06
sort of man who wasn't
necessarily after her good heart
00:23:54.10\00:23:57.68
that was deep
beneath the beautiful body.
00:23:57.72\00:23:59.60
She made a lot poor choices
and I had not only looked up
00:23:59.64\00:24:04.53
to her and almost idolized
her, but I wanted to be like
00:24:04.57\00:24:09.42
her and at the same
time mom worked full time and
00:24:09.46\00:24:14.18
dad wasn't in the picture.
00:24:14.21\00:24:15.70
He was providing financially,
he wasn't really in the
00:24:15.74\00:24:19.66
picture so I didn't
have a male role model.
00:24:19.70\00:24:21.96
I had a brother who had
turned into a bully, and he may
00:24:21.99\00:24:25.88
have been dealing with his
own issues not having a father
00:24:25.91\00:24:29.77
around and what have you.
00:24:29.80\00:24:31.69
So I started getting
beat up by my brother
00:24:31.73\00:24:35.73
and verbally
bullied, verbally abused.
00:24:35.77\00:24:39.71
As life went on and I
am 10 years old, as much as
00:24:39.74\00:24:44.83
I admired my mom and thought
she was great, I developed
00:24:44.86\00:24:47.53
inside and I wanted
to have my sex changed.
00:24:47.57\00:24:50.06
I wanted to actually be a boy.
00:24:50.09\00:24:51.77
- did you think that it
was because I could protect
00:24:51.81\00:24:54.75
myself more, I wasn't as
vulnerable, did you process
00:24:54.79\00:24:57.69
any of that at the time?
00:24:57.73\00:24:59.11
I'm not sure if I did at
the time, or it was something
00:24:59.14\00:25:01.85
I realized later, I think
part of me said if I am a boy
00:25:01.88\00:25:05.61
no one can hurt me because
had I been a boy I could have
00:25:05.65\00:25:09.77
done a 1-2 punch to my
brother and taking care of some
00:25:09.80\00:25:13.06
other people, not that
violence is the way to settle
00:25:13.09\00:25:16.31
things but then
going through it.
00:25:16.35\00:25:18.62
For somebody, what's
interesting to me when I talk
00:25:18.66\00:25:22.54
with even little kids, they
will see themselves as having
00:25:22.58\00:25:26.30
the ability to punch out an
adult when it is ridiculous,
00:25:26.33\00:25:30.01
you were five, so a
boy or girl you didn't have
00:25:30.05\00:25:33.97
the ability to stop
that from happening.
00:25:34.01\00:25:36.31
It was somebody else's
poor choice. - absolutely.
00:25:36.35\00:25:40.72
As years went on things
changed with my brother.
00:25:40.76\00:25:45.06
Anyone who has been in domestic
violence, or has someone
00:25:45.10\00:25:49.46
who has been able to
beat them up, that person,
00:25:49.49\00:25:52.89
like myself, you're hit
down day after day after day.
00:25:52.93\00:25:57.18
I got to the point where
I just wanted to please him,
00:25:57.21\00:26:01.43
anything you
want me to do I'll do.
00:26:01.46\00:26:03.08
If you want a sandwich, instead
of throwing it on the floor,
00:26:03.12\00:26:04.42
shoving it in my face,
shutting me in a closet and
00:26:04.45\00:26:06.74
doing things to me that
are tormenting and torturing me
00:26:06.77\00:26:09.66
but making you happy, so
now I will do everything I can
00:26:09.70\00:26:12.56
to please you
and make you happy.
00:26:12.59\00:26:14.19
Anytime I did
that it made it worse.
00:26:14.22\00:26:15.75
I have black eyes where he
punched me, I took the brunt
00:26:15.78\00:26:19.35
of what ever anger he had.
00:26:19.39\00:26:21.14
Years of 11, 12 and 13
is when it went further and
00:26:21.17\00:26:28.11
he actually starting
raping me and doing other things
00:26:28.14\00:26:35.05
to me by
forcing me to do things.
00:26:35.08\00:26:36.75
He actually moved to live
with my father at one point,
00:26:36.78\00:26:41.65
so it wasn't everyday from
11 to 13, which one time was
00:26:41.69\00:26:46.53
too much and should
never happen to any person.
00:26:46.56\00:26:48.54
But what I'm saying is
I don't want to give the
00:26:48.57\00:26:50.47
impression, I want to say
it like it is not every single
00:26:50.51\00:26:53.26
day but there were times
where it was everyday for a week
00:26:53.30\00:26:56.02
and sometimes it
didn't happen at all.
00:26:56.05\00:26:59.20
When he moved, he
moved away and moved back.
00:26:59.24\00:27:04.72
We would go away on vacation
and no one was around and
00:27:04.76\00:27:08.91
that's when it
would happen a lot.
00:27:08.95\00:27:10.33
What stopped it was I
had my menstrual cycle and
00:27:10.37\00:27:15.61
that is actually how it stopped.
00:27:15.65\00:27:17.10
I remember being so
thrilled, I knew enough that
00:27:17.13\00:27:20.86
something serious
could happen there and it was
00:27:20.90\00:27:24.59
like I was empowered.
00:27:24.63\00:27:26.13
It was like you cannot
ever touch me, I got in his face
00:27:26.16\00:27:28.74
and he continued to
beat the daylights out of me.
00:27:28.77\00:27:32.88
He would do things to me
in other ways but the sexual
00:27:32.91\00:27:36.99
abuse and the rapes had stopped.
00:27:37.02\00:27:38.95
At that point I'm 13 and I
started looking more boyish,
00:27:38.99\00:27:43.60
even though I would at
the same hand look pretty and
00:27:43.63\00:27:48.08
feminine I also developed
this desire to be a boy
00:27:48.12\00:27:52.53
and go down that path.
00:27:52.56\00:27:55.46
For the next many years I
have poor self-esteem and got
00:27:55.50\00:28:01.45
to the point where
I didn't want to live.
00:28:01.48\00:28:04.19
The first time that I actually
harmed myself when I was
00:28:04.22\00:28:08.51
eight years old, being
bullied by my brother and having
00:28:08.55\00:28:11.96
the situation happen when I
was five, I remember picking
00:28:11.99\00:28:15.37
up a brick and
ramming it into my head.
00:28:15.41\00:28:18.38
I remember at that point
that I wanted to match this
00:28:18.41\00:28:22.88
inward disgusting pain and
how dare you kind of feelings
00:28:22.91\00:28:27.34
I had toward this
man and my brother.
00:28:27.38\00:28:31.87
I just wanted to take
that and I rammed into my head.
00:28:31.90\00:28:34.11
I rammed myself into a
wall and this was at eight years
00:28:34.15\00:28:36.81
old and I started in
between things with my brother.
00:28:36.84\00:28:39.43
That was the life I lead, I
wanted to ram myself in front
00:28:39.47\00:28:42.56
of a car, a truck,
not to die, not to die.
00:28:42.59\00:28:47.34
- it is not a suicide thing,
it's just I want this pain
00:28:47.37\00:28:50.27
to be gone. - absolutely!
00:28:50.31\00:28:52.06
I said if I ran in front of
a car or truck I could break
00:28:52.10\00:28:55.83
some bones, something can
happen where either I will feel
00:28:55.87\00:28:59.57
real, or I'll feel
alive or something.
00:28:59.60\00:29:01.26
This was 8, 9, 10, 11,
12 years all through this.
00:29:01.30\00:29:03.55
By the time I was 13, 14,
15 I started dressing like boy
00:29:03.59\00:29:08.48
George - I saw
some of those pictures.
00:29:08.52\00:29:11.39
It wasn't that there was
necessarily anything wrong with
00:29:11.42\00:29:14.79
that particular person,
when you start to look like
00:29:14.83\00:29:16.87
something that is not your
self and A. You couldn't tell
00:29:16.91\00:29:19.76
if I was a male or a female.
00:29:19.80\00:29:21.25
I was hiding in that, 2
and 1/2 years I did that.
00:29:21.28\00:29:24.79
You would say to yourself
when that be like a light bulb
00:29:24.82\00:29:27.72
going off, you know Vicky
has been dressing like this
00:29:27.76\00:29:30.62
where are the ribbons,
the long hair, the coats.
00:29:30.66\00:29:31.88
I had homemade coats made,
I went to stores to look at
00:29:31.92\00:29:36.42
the jewelry in the gloves,
wouldn't someone say maybe
00:29:36.46\00:29:40.93
we need to get
her a little help?
00:29:40.97\00:29:42.78
Not to knock mom but mom
was working and doing a lot of
00:29:42.81\00:29:47.55
things, but all through
this I was trying to get along
00:29:47.59\00:29:52.45
in life where when I was
14, for a year period of time,
00:29:52.49\00:29:57.32
I started pulling my hair out.
00:29:57.36\00:29:58.98
The entire part of my hair
on the top, about a 2, 3 inch
00:29:59.01\00:30:02.82
portion wide was bald.
00:30:02.85\00:30:05.39
My mother took me to a
dermatologist thinking I had
00:30:05.43\00:30:08.53
some sort of skin disorder, a
hair disorder and I was oh yes
00:30:08.56\00:30:12.12
mom it must be that.
00:30:12.16\00:30:13.81
I mean what are you
supposed to say because I am
00:30:13.84\00:30:15.02
embarrassed, it was horrible.
00:30:15.05\00:30:16.82
I just kept doing these things.
00:30:16.86\00:30:18.56
Can I ask you, just to
educate us a little bit,
00:30:18.59\00:30:22.59
when you said I took the
brick and slammed into my face,
00:30:22.62\00:30:26.12
I wanted to break bones,
when I slam myself against
00:30:26.16\00:30:29.43
something, what
works about that?
00:30:29.46\00:30:31.62
That's an amazing question,
it actually can vary from
00:30:31.66\00:30:36.44
person to person, for me
and many people I talk to,
00:30:36.48\00:30:40.95
it can be so many things
from the reasons why you want
00:30:40.98\00:30:45.42
to do it is to
match the inward pain.
00:30:45.45\00:30:48.98
You want something on the
outside to match the inward
00:30:49.01\00:30:50.80
pain, you almost
want to feel to be alive.
00:30:50.83\00:30:53.22
At the moment it is almost
like a it releases something
00:30:53.26\00:30:56.20
inside of you count whether
it is an endorphin or the
00:30:56.24\00:31:00.40
opiates you were mentioning,
there is something real.
00:31:00.43\00:31:04.56
It is very, very
short-lived, very short-lived.
00:31:04.59\00:31:07.48
That's why you go in a
continuous circle of doing
00:31:07.52\00:31:10.37
it again and again and again.
00:31:10.41\00:31:12.01
The reasons are so vast.
00:31:12.04\00:31:16.25
- but you are saying I have
so much pain that I hate life
00:31:16.29\00:31:19.05
so much and I am so much
emotionally and physically and
00:31:19.09\00:31:21.72
psychologically pain
that even though it is a short
00:31:21.76\00:31:24.36
period of time I
have to get relief.
00:31:24.40\00:31:26.30
Absolutely, and as the years
went on, like with anything
00:31:26.33\00:31:30.72
any type of addiction
whether it is sexual addiction,
00:31:30.76\00:31:35.08
a drug addiction or alcohol you
start off with something small.
00:31:35.12\00:31:40.67
I'll just have a little
bit of this little bit of that,
00:31:40.71\00:31:42.73
what ever it is you
want more, and you want more.
00:31:42.77\00:31:46.62
As years went on I just
didn't stick with the hitting
00:31:46.65\00:31:50.47
and the banging and
things of that nature,
00:31:50.50\00:31:54.04
it got stronger
as years went on.
00:31:54.08\00:31:56.48
- when you talk about
stronger I want to show a little
00:31:56.52\00:31:59.05
bit and I want you to tell
me a little about these injuries
00:31:59.08\00:32:02.41
here, because the only thing
I can see here is a mass of
00:32:02.44\00:32:05.74
burns with hundreds of
cuts just in this area.
00:32:05.77\00:32:09.24
I know it is all
over your body - Um hum.
00:32:09.28\00:32:10.77
Tell me a little bit about
what happened here when you
00:32:10.81\00:32:14.76
talk about
things get more intense.
00:32:14.79\00:32:16.81
But just let me jump
ahead, jump back and then ahead.
00:32:16.85\00:32:21.80
When things were going on
when I was a teenager, the first
00:32:21.83\00:32:26.08
time I started to do what I
refer to as serious damage to
00:32:26.12\00:32:29.88
my self, any type of self
injury is serious and should be
00:32:29.91\00:32:33.22
taken seriously so I don't
want to come across like I'm
00:32:33.26\00:32:36.15
saying scratching itself
isn't an injury, it's not good.
00:32:36.18\00:32:40.05
When I was 19 years old I
went and had a heated discussion
00:32:40.09\00:32:43.92
with my father, I had braces.
00:32:43.96\00:32:46.35
They were the kind of braces
where are metal were wrapped
00:32:46.39\00:32:48.32
around your teeth and
wires were pulled through.
00:32:48.35\00:32:50.35
I pulled off my
braces with a pair of pliers.
00:32:50.39\00:32:52.32
Like that pain lasted maybe
30 seconds and it was done.
00:32:52.35\00:32:55.89
I developed an eating disorder
bulimia, I was promiscuous.
00:32:55.93\00:32:59.61
All sorts of things into my
early adulthood which led me
00:32:59.65\00:33:03.80
into one evening I had a
breakup and was emotionally,
00:33:03.83\00:33:07.23
and there is so much to
tell but I will cut it for sake
00:33:07.26\00:33:11.74
of time, on this particular
evening I had this thought.
00:33:11.78\00:33:16.23
Let me prefect it with this.
00:33:16.26\00:33:18.19
I had no Internet, I had
no books that I read, I had no
00:33:18.22\00:33:21.11
conversation with other people
that had harmed themselves.
00:33:21.14\00:33:23.99
I didn't hang around
with anybody that did.
00:33:24.03\00:33:26.10
I did not know about
it, I did know the name.
00:33:26.13\00:33:28.13
Sitting on my kitchen floor
soaking my own miseries in a
00:33:28.16\00:33:33.72
cup of gin, like a light
bulb moment that was not good,
00:33:33.76\00:33:38.44
Boop, go into the kitchen
grab a butcher knife and cut
00:33:38.48\00:33:43.13
yourself, and I
listened to that voice.
00:33:43.16\00:33:45.57
I followed that voice and
went into the kitchen and that
00:33:45.61\00:33:47.93
led me into my first
day in a psychiatric unit.
00:33:47.97\00:33:50.93
As years went on. - you
cut yourself how many times?
00:33:50.96\00:33:54.87
On that particular evening
it was about 5 or 6 times.
00:33:54.91\00:33:58.96
They are covered up by the
burn basically on the wrist.
00:33:59.00\00:34:03.02
That started a world
wind of I have to do it more.
00:34:03.05\00:34:08.70
I would take pencils and
jab them so hard into my arm,
00:34:08.74\00:34:12.71
not only would I get
bruises but I would still have
00:34:12.74\00:34:16.67
graphite in my arm.
00:34:16.71\00:34:19.18
I would take toe nail clippers,
or nail clippers and take
00:34:19.21\00:34:23.07
chunks of skin out of my
arm, this was in the psychiatric
00:34:23.10\00:34:26.84
hospital under psychiatric
care with doctors and nurses
00:34:26.87\00:34:30.57
around me because I
was on a 24 hour watch.
00:34:30.61\00:34:32.67
When I did nursing in the
psych facility, we had to have
00:34:32.70\00:34:37.37
one to one's on folks
because no matter what you did,
00:34:37.41\00:34:42.04
they could find a
way to hurt themselves.
00:34:42.07\00:34:44.54
We had to check them with a
full body search just checking
00:34:44.58\00:34:47.98
every part of their
bags when they came in.
00:34:48.01\00:34:49.81
People will cut in their
suitcases and put sharp objects
00:34:49.84\00:34:54.19
throughout the
suitcases coming in.
00:34:54.22\00:34:56.15
The cutting was unbelievable,
it was just unbelievable
00:34:56.18\00:35:01.28
the desperation that I
cannot survive if I cannot see
00:35:01.32\00:35:06.05
blood or release this
pain. It is a desperate thing.
00:35:06.08\00:35:09.57
It is then that is the
life I lived in the hospital,
00:35:09.61\00:35:13.20
once I was released the
cutting continued for months
00:35:13.24\00:35:17.53
into a year and this was
the same as the first time.
00:35:17.57\00:35:21.27
Driving down at the
time I was an outpatient in a
00:35:21.31\00:35:24.94
eating disorder unit, I don't
remember the details I would
00:35:24.98\00:35:29.28
have to actually refer to the
medical records because I had
00:35:29.31\00:35:34.35
a lot of blackouts and I
had this thought to burn my arm.
00:35:34.39\00:35:39.39
Burn my arm,
I've never did that.
00:35:42.38\00:35:44.02
I know it sounds casual,
but that is how it happened
00:35:44.06\00:35:47.76
with me, just burn your arm.
00:35:47.79\00:35:49.39
I proceeded to go to the
store and got about a half a
00:35:49.43\00:35:52.89
case of beer and different
alcohol type of things and got
00:35:52.93\00:35:56.83
first aid equipment, lighters,
everything I could get and
00:35:56.87\00:36:01.43
that night I was in my
room and I proceeded to stab my
00:36:01.46\00:36:05.99
left arm over a
hundred times with cigarettes.
00:36:06.02\00:36:10.39
I would actually press so
hard that these little tiny
00:36:13.27\00:36:19.22
circles would appear on my arm.
00:36:19.26\00:36:21.37
There was about 17 of them,
but I pressed over and over
00:36:21.40\00:36:24.42
again and is sadness I
feel is not towards myself,
00:36:24.46\00:36:27.37
because I am totally
healed and I can honestly say
00:36:27.41\00:36:30.29
I don't think about this ever,
00:36:30.32\00:36:32.01
but I think
about the other people.
00:36:32.04\00:36:33.69
The thousands of girls and
boys, men and women that are
00:36:33.72\00:36:36.66
out there hurting themselves
because there is something
00:36:36.69\00:36:39.59
inside that they
are running from.
00:36:39.63\00:36:42.12
It is a way of escape
from whatever it might be.
00:36:42.16\00:36:44.25
I don't see Vicky, I see
someone else who is hurting and
00:36:44.29\00:36:49.27
when this happened I bandaged
it up and woke up the next
00:36:49.30\00:36:54.25
morning - you
also lit that on fire?
00:36:54.29\00:36:56.19
I did, thank you for reminding
me, I followed it up with
00:36:56.22\00:36:59.68
after stabbing a hundred
times and having these 17 holes
00:36:59.71\00:37:03.14
I took a fire starter
and proceeded to light my arm
00:37:03.17\00:37:09.61
until I don't
recall the details.
00:37:09.65\00:37:12.39
I either got bored or tired.
00:37:12.43\00:37:13.61
The next morning I woke up
and it was all bandaged and
00:37:13.65\00:37:16.91
my hand was so swollen
and I proceeded to go to the
00:37:16.95\00:37:19.71
eating disorder unit as
the outpatient program I was in
00:37:19.75\00:37:24.11
and the whole arm on the
outskirts was pure white in the
00:37:24.15\00:37:28.48
center in the
outskirts was green,
00:37:28.51\00:37:30.49
it already was infected.
00:37:30.53\00:37:34.35
- they would have been
a number of skin grafts.
00:37:34.38\00:37:38.89
Yes I had skin removed
from my left thigh and had
00:37:38.92\00:37:43.36
surgery which was thousands
and thousands of dollars and
00:37:43.40\00:37:46.64
my right arm was
almost 6 months later.
00:37:46.68\00:37:49.01
But I have to say with all
that stuff is that all over
00:37:49.04\00:37:54.39
your body are these kinds
of scars and cuts and burns.
00:37:54.43\00:37:59.83
It's all over your body,
legs, arms, even the upper part
00:37:59.87\00:38:05.24
of your body has
keloid scars that are lifted
00:38:05.27\00:38:09.28
right off the skin.
00:38:09.31\00:38:11.39
How do you get from that
place, and self mutilation is
00:38:11.42\00:38:16.78
common in schools.
00:38:16.82\00:38:18.68
When I go to schools, even
elementary schools when I talk
00:38:18.72\00:38:22.18
with kids at an academy, when
I talk with kids in colleges
00:38:22.21\00:38:25.64
that I see cutters
all over the place.
00:38:25.68\00:38:28.47
People that are literally
quietly hurting themselves all
00:38:28.51\00:38:33.09
the time and so I know even
though you did not read books
00:38:33.13\00:38:37.68
it was not unusual to
act out on your own body.
00:38:37.72\00:38:40.66
Worldwide there is
issues with cutters.
00:38:40.69\00:38:44.18
You could be a girl or a
boy, he can be a teenager or an
00:38:44.22\00:38:48.15
adult, you could be married
with children, you could be 50
00:38:48.19\00:38:52.09
years old, it has no
background issues, any ethnic
00:38:52.12\00:38:59.90
background or
anything like that.
00:38:59.93\00:39:01.52
I do see in Jr. high
and those ages where I see
00:39:01.56\00:39:08.19
different types of self injury
as opposed to maybe people
00:39:08.23\00:39:12.15
that are older, but again I see
and I have to press the point,
00:39:12.19\00:39:16.08
no matter what the person
is doing, it is a very serious
00:39:16.12\00:39:18.73
thing whether they are
scratching, burning, or cutting
00:39:18.77\00:39:21.31
or plucking their hairs out
of their eyebrows or eyelashes,
00:39:21.35\00:39:25.55
or they're pulling their
hair, whatever the person is
00:39:25.58\00:39:28.68
getting scarification, or
carving or what ever it is,
00:39:28.72\00:39:32.02
it is the severity of the
level or depth and is something
00:39:32.06\00:39:35.49
that needs to be treated
and talked about and get to the
00:39:35.53\00:39:38.47
issue that is below that
which brings me to how are you
00:39:38.50\00:39:41.41
the way you are today?
00:39:41.44\00:39:43.01
I'm glad you asked. -
good because I'm really going
00:39:43.04\00:39:46.08
there, how did
you get out of that?
00:39:46.11\00:39:48.05
Basically I'm going
to be real, okay? - okay!
00:39:48.09\00:39:54.50
I was in a gay bar and
dancing and doing my thing and
00:39:54.53\00:40:01.45
this woman I began to talk
to her and she was telling me
00:40:01.48\00:40:08.37
that she was a Christian,
which blew my mind away.
00:40:08.40\00:40:11.22
Two plus two is 4 but I was
not getting how that worked.
00:40:11.25\00:40:14.94
I said I don't get it,
how can you be in a bar?
00:40:14.97\00:40:16.47
But we won't get into
that because that's different
00:40:16.51\00:40:17.97
discussion altogether,
a whole other the show.
00:40:18.01\00:40:19.72
- we will do it.
00:40:19.75\00:40:21.40
I'm there, she said why don't
you come to church with me.
00:40:21.43\00:40:24.83
Well to impress
this woman I said sure.
00:40:24.86\00:40:27.32
About a month later I did
go to church and let me tell
00:40:27.36\00:40:31.79
you, the second I walked in
to this church, it wasn't like
00:40:31.82\00:40:36.21
oh my life has
changed, nothing like that.
00:40:36.25\00:40:39.23
But I sensed
something, they said hi to me.
00:40:39.26\00:40:42.17
They didn't look at the
eyebrow ring in the belly button
00:40:42.20\00:40:45.38
ring and a half shirt
and everything was exposed.
00:40:45.41\00:40:48.66
They weren't looking at
the hair 6 inches up because it
00:40:48.70\00:40:52.24
was Spike wild do, they
were looking at me and God loved
00:40:52.28\00:40:55.79
me and they seemed real.
00:40:55.82\00:40:58.04
They really seemed
real, and I was like wow.
00:40:58.07\00:41:01.45
They saw past it, so to
make a long story longer.
00:41:01.49\00:41:05.70
Basically I went there, and
went there again and read the
00:41:05.74\00:41:13.66
Bible, Mark and yelled
that God and swore at Him.
00:41:13.70\00:41:15.84
But I know that God honored
that because even though it
00:41:15.87\00:41:17.88
was not appropriate to
swear at God, I don't recommend
00:41:17.91\00:41:19.89
that, I was being
real and talking to Him.
00:41:19.92\00:41:22.47
We're having prayer we're having
a discussion, having a heart to
00:41:22.50\00:41:25.30
heart - as a
friend. - yeah totally.
00:41:25.34\00:41:28.49
Within a year and a half I
just started going to church
00:41:28.52\00:41:32.08
and people said to me you
don't cut it anymore, you don't
00:41:32.12\00:41:35.65
burn anymore, you don't
get angry, you don't have
00:41:35.68\00:41:37.80
resentment, you have forgiven
and I could go on and on
00:41:37.83\00:41:41.16
and on because I was also
raped when I was 19 by an uncle
00:41:41.20\00:41:44.49
twice, I have forgiven everyone.
00:41:44.53\00:41:47.68
I have let go and they
say to me how did that happen?
00:41:47.72\00:41:51.02
- how did that happen I want
to hear it exactly detailed?
00:41:51.05\00:41:54.32
How did that happen?
What did you feel like?
00:41:54.35\00:41:56.35
The most amazing thing I
can say to you is that the first
00:41:56.39\00:42:01.02
thing I prayed, the most
simplest prayer, God what ever
00:42:01.06\00:42:05.66
is in me that is not
a of You take it from me
00:42:05.69\00:42:09.48
in Jesus name Amen.
00:42:09.52\00:42:12.64
I did not list everything,
all I can say is today I am
00:42:12.67\00:42:15.83
happily married and have a
beautiful 2 and 1/2 year-old
00:42:15.86\00:42:18.98
son in the last 11,12
years. - yes Jack Daniel.
00:42:19.02\00:42:20.93
Yes Jack Daniel, the last
12 years have been the best.
00:42:20.97\00:42:24.08
That doesn't have anything
to do with alcohol does it?
00:42:24.11\00:42:27.19
because of the Bible?
00:42:27.23\00:42:29.11
Exactly, the last 12
and 1/2 years have been the
00:42:29.14\00:42:32.00
best years of my life.
00:42:32.04\00:42:33.82
Now that doesn't mean there
weren't good times in my life
00:42:33.86\00:42:36.68
prior, there were
they were just little.
00:42:36.72\00:42:38.87
Now every day is a great
day, and it's not because I'm on
00:42:38.91\00:42:41.81
some kind of drug I can
skip through going Lalala.
00:42:41.85\00:42:44.85
It's because I have God
inside of me that helps me deal
00:42:44.88\00:42:47.72
with every situation every day.
00:42:47.76\00:42:48.94
And not only their
accepting Jesus in my heart and
00:42:48.98\00:42:53.64
getting my life right and
saying that prayer to take away
00:42:53.68\00:42:56.97
from me what I like to call
the F word, and it's not the
00:42:57.01\00:43:00.27
F word you're
thinking of, its forgiveness.
00:43:00.30\00:43:03.21
We have to be forgiving, we
have to forgive and we had to
00:43:03.24\00:43:07.07
be forgiving
toward other people.
00:43:07.10\00:43:08.84
There are people out there
today, you are sitting there
00:43:08.88\00:43:12.50
at home and going you know
Vicky, I didn't abuse myself.
00:43:12.53\00:43:15.60
I've abused other people and
now I'm cutting, I'm burning,
00:43:15.63\00:43:18.66
now I am doing things.
00:43:18.70\00:43:19.72
You need to forgive yourself,
everybody needs to work on
00:43:19.75\00:43:22.69
forgiveness and my support
group that I run, they hate when
00:43:22.73\00:43:25.64
I say it, oh she's talking
about forgiveness I have to
00:43:25.67\00:43:28.20
go to the
bathroom, Dah, Dah, Dah.
00:43:28.23\00:43:29.54
I called the F word because
we act like it's a swear word.
00:43:29.58\00:43:33.30
We act like it's a plague,
we can't say forgiveness.
00:43:33.34\00:43:35.77
God talks about it so much
in the Bible. - it releases us.
00:43:35.80\00:43:40.90
All of a sudden
I am an empowered,
00:43:40.94\00:43:43.39
God can take it away from me.
00:43:43.43\00:43:47.36
Absolutely, the second most
important thing obviously is
00:43:47.39\00:43:50.90
receiving Jesus as my
savior, the second forgiving,
00:43:50.94\00:43:53.15
and the third is time with God.
00:43:53.19\00:43:55.46
I didn't go out to the bars
and dance and continue all that.
00:43:55.49\00:43:59.34
God take anything that is not
from you from me in Jesus name,
00:43:59.38\00:44:03.20
that included spending
time with God, going to prayer.
00:44:03.23\00:44:07.10
I spent, not that I'm devout
and all that, but I had issues
00:44:07.13\00:44:11.94
going on and I wasn't
an advent person and worked
00:44:11.97\00:44:15.33
out and had the eating disorder.
00:44:15.37\00:44:16.98
I took what He said to me
and took those two hours that
00:44:17.02\00:44:20.43
you spend every morning
and seek Me and pray and I went
00:44:20.47\00:44:23.85
okay, when God tells me I do it.
00:44:23.88\00:44:25.96
I'm like a plow,
alright I'm going to do it.
00:44:25.99\00:44:27.75
For two years our church
was fortunate enough to have a
00:44:27.79\00:44:32.28
prayer room and I went
and prayed two hours before
00:44:32.31\00:44:34.31
I went to work and
it changed my life.
00:44:34.34\00:44:36.96
Forgiveness came into
my heart, God worked in me.
00:44:36.99\00:44:39.35
I had a little piece of
paper with all these people's
00:44:39.39\00:44:41.71
names on it, people
that abused me and raped me.
00:44:41.75\00:44:43.66
I prayed for them for salvation,
that they would come to
00:44:43.70\00:44:47.20
God, I pray for my mom. -
I so love you, I love you.
00:44:47.23\00:44:51.17
I think the coolest
thing I think about you is your
00:44:51.21\00:44:54.83
background and your
pain and cutting I understand
00:44:54.87\00:44:58.43
because I have seen it and
work with people like that,
00:44:58.46\00:45:00.96
but I also see you so
took God into your life.
00:45:00.99\00:45:04.34
He's crazy about
me. - I love that.
00:45:04.37\00:45:07.46
Okay we are going to open
it up for questions because
00:45:09.16\00:45:11.00
I know that everybody
has questions. Samantha!
00:45:11.03\00:45:14.03
Thank you and I appreciate
your testimony, I was just
00:45:14.06\00:45:15.93
wondering how long did it
take you from the time that
00:45:15.96\00:45:17.85
you were swearing at God
and looking in the Bible to
00:45:17.89\00:45:19.95
where you felt that God
has actually healed you?
00:45:19.99\00:45:22.22
The first time I
stepped foot into the church was
00:45:22.25\00:45:25.19
March of 1995, I accepted
the Lord in my heart within
00:45:25.23\00:45:28.14
a couple months after that.
00:45:28.17\00:45:29.26
I did the whole debate with
God, actually I should add to
00:45:29.29\00:45:32.64
that I gave Him 30 days
to prove Himself real to me.
00:45:32.67\00:45:36.03
- I like that we are just
nothing and acting out like
00:45:36.06\00:45:39.38
crazy and we say God
you have 30 days. - right.
00:45:39.42\00:45:42.74
I wanted a 30-day money
back guaranteed is what I want.
00:45:42.77\00:45:45.89
- what's really funny is
that God so says that's what
00:45:45.93\00:45:49.01
you got to work
with I'll work with it.
00:45:49.05\00:45:50.94
So basically I did this debate,
a 30 day type of deal and
00:45:50.98\00:45:54.64
God just changed my life within
a couple months after that
00:45:54.67\00:45:58.30
the desires to
harm myself were less.
00:45:58.33\00:46:04.03
That might not seem like
much, but it was really big.
00:46:04.06\00:46:06.50
I would have bloody knives
underneath my bed and people
00:46:06.53\00:46:08.51
will come over and I would
have kicked them under the bed.
00:46:08.55\00:46:10.49
This is a big,
big secret with me.
00:46:10.52\00:46:12.37
So to answer your
question, the process was quick
00:46:12.41\00:46:17.18
but slow, with 1 and 1/2
years I did a 180, I looked
00:46:17.22\00:46:20.67
different, I talked
different, and the ear rings,
00:46:20.71\00:46:23.98
12 ear rings in one ear
and 7 in the left came out.
00:46:24.02\00:46:27.22
The eyebrow ring and the
belly button ring and the reason
00:46:27.26\00:46:30.45
why is because I simply
prayed to God that if anything
00:46:30.48\00:46:33.64
wasn't of me to take it away.
00:46:33.67\00:46:35.30
I know that those
things represented something,
00:46:35.34\00:46:40.26
they represented a hurt,
they represented an issue
00:46:40.30\00:46:43.97
whether it was an
eyebrow ring or whatever it was
00:46:44.00\00:46:47.64
my whole look
changed completely.
00:46:47.68\00:46:49.34
- what I want to say and
it's interesting to me is that
00:46:49.37\00:46:53.06
a lot of people will start
to teach someone how to look
00:46:53.10\00:46:56.46
or how to behave and they
don't wait for the Holy Spirit
00:46:56.50\00:46:59.23
to do it, because the Holy
Spirit does it in ways that
00:46:59.27\00:47:01.97
is gentle, so gentle. - yes.
00:47:02.00\00:47:04.38
No one came up to me, no
one talked to me, no one said
00:47:04.42\00:47:07.43
you had to change this or
that, it was just simply the
00:47:07.47\00:47:10.45
love of God working in me.
00:47:10.48\00:47:13.38
Within 1 and 1/2 years
I decided one day, I don't
00:47:13.41\00:47:16.90
recommend this for everybody,
I had 400 and some pills
00:47:16.93\00:47:20.58
that I had just had, I was
on psychiatric medication and
00:47:20.61\00:47:24.22
I had just had them filled.
00:47:24.26\00:47:25.47
I was taken 17 pills a day,
I just heard like our voices
00:47:25.50\00:47:30.15
right now, throw them out,
flush them down the toilet.
00:47:30.18\00:47:34.32
I did, cold turkey I
stopped my therapy a few months
00:47:34.35\00:47:38.45
later and within a
year and a half a 180.
00:47:38.49\00:47:41.84
Looked different, talked
different, acted different and
00:47:41.88\00:47:44.93
began to just get in
prayer for the next couple years
00:47:44.96\00:47:47.98
and seek God and
that's how I did it.
00:47:48.01\00:47:50.17
Everything was taken from
me, and again the key thing was
00:47:50.21\00:47:52.55
obviously accepting
Jesus into my heart.
00:47:52.58\00:47:54.72
That was first and foremost,
forgiving and time with God.
00:47:54.75\00:47:58.61
Amen and I know that,
Sharon you had a question.
00:47:58.65\00:48:01.86
Yes I do have a couple questions
but first we give thanks
00:48:01.90\00:48:05.55
for you sharing your
testimony with us today.
00:48:05.59\00:48:07.62
It was actually
really hard for me to sit
00:48:07.66\00:48:09.66
here and hear that.
00:48:09.69\00:48:10.94
I have had some stuff
happen in my life but nothing
00:48:10.98\00:48:14.31
that compares with that
and I guess as a mum and friend
00:48:14.35\00:48:17.74
and someone who sits in
church each week who really
00:48:17.77\00:48:21.06
cares about the people in
my congregation, I want to
00:48:21.10\00:48:24.15
know what I can do to
support someone who's been
00:48:24.18\00:48:27.20
through something like that?
00:48:27.23\00:48:28.74
Love them, it is probably
the best thing we can do.
00:48:28.78\00:48:34.39
Love covers a multitude of
sin, it doesn't mean overlook
00:48:34.42\00:48:38.35
it, but love them, talk
to them, and genuinely care.
00:48:38.39\00:48:42.50
There is so many people
that are afraid to expose their
00:48:42.54\00:48:46.48
sin and people don't see
self injury as sin, but it is
00:48:46.51\00:48:50.23
not God's desire that we
hurt our bodies, so it is not
00:48:50.27\00:48:53.66
pleasing to Him, but yet
He knows we are hurting just
00:48:53.69\00:48:57.05
like any other type of
issues that we deal with.
00:48:57.09\00:48:59.53
Love them, talk to them, really
show them that you do care
00:48:59.56\00:49:03.02
and they are not going
to end up in a place they
00:49:03.05\00:49:05.47
don't want to, a
hospital or anything.
00:49:05.50\00:49:07.03
That is their greatest fear
that people won't understand.
00:49:07.07\00:49:10.31
So many people I've talked
to say they get judged, whether
00:49:10.34\00:49:13.55
it is in the
Christian realm or the world,
00:49:13.58\00:49:17.16
they are getting
judged in some way.
00:49:17.19\00:49:19.06
Show them love, show
them true character of God,
00:49:19.09\00:49:23.39
and really listen to them.
00:49:23.43\00:49:24.95
Have you ever had a
conversation with someone and
00:49:24.98\00:49:27.12
you know they are
not listening to you?
00:49:27.15\00:49:30.24
Sometimes you need to be
heard, you need to get the gook
00:49:30.28\00:49:33.05
and the mire out, but
they also need to know that you
00:49:33.08\00:49:36.04
truly care so they can open
up and get to the next step.
00:49:36.08\00:49:39.10
They may not be at the point
where they're going to accept
00:49:39.14\00:49:42.13
Jesus into your heart
yet, there is a path and
00:49:42.16\00:49:44.06
steps to get them there.
00:49:44.09\00:49:45.40
If they are in therapy,
that it's okay for the time.
00:49:45.43\00:49:47.57
If they are on medication
that is okay for the time.
00:49:47.61\00:49:49.67
Whatever is there is a time
for God because He is the one
00:49:49.71\00:49:52.64
ultimately going to take it
all away and do the healing.
00:49:52.68\00:49:55.57
We have to start in the
church loving the people.
00:49:55.61\00:50:00.00
As we're talking about church
members, I loved the question.
00:50:00.03\00:50:02.97
There is a lot of folks
that will tell me, even myself
00:50:03.00\00:50:07.60
when I started opening
up about my background.
00:50:07.63\00:50:09.83
People will get you like
our a leopard then, like you
00:50:09.86\00:50:13.64
are crazy, somehow you were
a little bit off or twisted.
00:50:13.68\00:50:18.17
Christ never did that with
the demoniac, filled with a 1000
00:50:18.20\00:50:22.02
demons, cutting on himself,
beating people up, and Christ
00:50:22.06\00:50:26.28
looked at him as a man of
God underneath all that stuff
00:50:26.31\00:50:30.49
with an
incredible desire to be well.
00:50:30.53\00:50:32.52
That's how we need to look
at each other, especially in
00:50:32.55\00:50:36.69
the church, is I know
that you are not crazy.
00:50:36.72\00:50:40.20
I know that you are in
pain and that Satan is lying to
00:50:40.23\00:50:43.14
you, even inserting things
for you to do to yourself,
00:50:43.17\00:50:46.05
cut, stab, and that stuff.
00:50:46.08\00:50:48.26
As church members we
should so not let that affect us
00:50:48.30\00:50:52.59
that we withdraw our support.
00:50:52.63\00:50:54.85
That is really hard to do
when someone has an issue that
00:50:54.89\00:50:58.21
is beyond what you have
ever experienced, beyond what is
00:50:58.24\00:51:01.97
in your circle of influence,
and God says I want you to
00:51:02.01\00:51:05.70
love on this person right now.
00:51:05.73\00:51:07.05
The person that brought me to
Christ, she said she would take
00:51:07.08\00:51:10.12
off and just say in the middle
of something and say excuse me,
00:51:10.16\00:51:13.02
I need to go to the bathroom
and she would go fall on her
00:51:13.06\00:51:15.50
knees and say God I don't
know how to deal with this.
00:51:15.53\00:51:17.94
I don't know how to
respond please teach me.
00:51:17.97\00:51:20.45
In your head that is all
you have to say to yourself.
00:51:20.49\00:51:23.51
It's teach me to listen
and respond in a way that will
00:51:23.55\00:51:26.59
bring this person into the
throne room of God, to health.
00:51:26.63\00:51:29.63
It's just amazing,
absolutely amazing.
00:51:29.67\00:51:31.95
That was a good
answer and I know that
00:51:31.98\00:51:34.23
you had one more question.
00:51:34.26\00:51:35.75
Well look Cheri I think
she has actually answered
00:51:35.79\00:51:37.98
the question, but
question I had was how do
00:51:38.02\00:51:40.31
I know how to help.
00:51:40.34\00:51:41.65
I think the answer is
basically there if I open myself
00:51:41.68\00:51:45.78
up to God and He will
show the way in terms of
00:51:45.82\00:51:47.66
helping someone might be.
00:51:47.69\00:51:49.60
The Holy Spirit will guide
you He dwells inside of us,
00:51:49.63\00:51:53.76
and once we receive Him
in our heart, He's in there.
00:51:53.80\00:51:57.86
The Holy Spirit is guiding
us what to say and when to say
00:51:57.89\00:52:01.11
it, sometimes we may feel
I don't know what I can do
00:52:01.14\00:52:04.28
I've never dealt with
someone who's cut themselves and
00:52:04.32\00:52:07.42
they have this
and they have that.
00:52:07.46\00:52:08.94
Don't think about that,
God cares about every aspect
00:52:08.98\00:52:12.02
of what we go through,
He certainly cares about
00:52:12.05\00:52:14.77
that individual
and what you can say.
00:52:14.81\00:52:17.16
It could just be a
hug, I do care, I'm going
00:52:17.20\00:52:20.69
to get you help and just
rely on the inward knowing and
00:52:20.72\00:52:24.43
the Holy Spirit will guide you.
00:52:24.46\00:52:26.00
Can I say, just so we don't
lose track of this with the
00:52:26.03\00:52:29.89
Holy Spirit? Is I never
understood that God says I want
00:52:29.93\00:52:33.75
to dwell with you, I
want to be so in you that
00:52:33.79\00:52:36.66
I will give you
the things to say.
00:52:36.70\00:52:37.67
Because sometimes I pray
to the Holy Spirit everyday in
00:52:37.71\00:52:40.38
worship and sometimes I
will be talking to somebody and
00:52:40.41\00:52:43.33
counseling and I think I'd
like to take notes on myself
00:52:43.36\00:52:46.25
right now,
because that was so good.
00:52:46.28\00:52:48.26
It's God, and when you
know you are not capable of
00:52:48.29\00:52:51.87
thinking that way,
counseling that way, is you know
00:52:51.90\00:52:55.44
that God gifted you
with His counseling.
00:52:55.48\00:52:58.15
He is ultimately the
counselor, the great physician,
00:52:58.19\00:53:01.72
great friend and
that kind of thing.
00:53:01.75\00:53:03.53
I think Lisa you had a question.
00:53:03.56\00:53:05.15
Vicky, when I read your
book 'No More Pain', the thing
00:53:05.19\00:53:08.36
that impressed me the most
was that you took two hours
00:53:08.39\00:53:12.42
a day for a couple years
to seek the Lord in prayer and
00:53:12.45\00:53:16.44
how He took all this
from you and healed you.
00:53:16.48\00:53:19.55
And now when things hurt
you, or your feelings, death in
00:53:19.59\00:53:25.69
the family, this
thought is not with you more?
00:53:25.72\00:53:29.18
You don't have these thoughts
to hurt yourself anymore?
00:53:29.22\00:53:33.33
- is that right?
00:53:33.36\00:53:35.16
That is absolutely 100% correct.
00:53:35.20\00:53:37.69
- Your mom committed
suicide not long ago. - right!
00:53:37.72\00:53:40.12
I called you, I remember
feeling like I wanted to go get
00:53:40.15\00:53:43.49
a plane ticket and fly to
your house because I was so
00:53:43.53\00:53:46.84
afraid for you
when I heard the news.
00:53:46.87\00:53:48.88
Yes my mom, another
show. but my mom battled many
00:53:48.91\00:53:54.13
things and I found her
barely breathing and right then
00:53:54.16\00:54:01.45
and there I knew
that this was the end.
00:54:01.48\00:54:05.54
It's a long story but for
the sake of time, I knew she
00:54:05.58\00:54:12.66
was going to be at peace,
00:54:12.69\00:54:13.82
although she did
take her own life.
00:54:13.85\00:54:16.98
I know we don't have
time to get into that.
00:54:17.02\00:54:18.53
I was about family restoration,
I wanted people to make
00:54:18.57\00:54:23.12
amends with her, I wanted who
ever had something with her, she
00:54:23.15\00:54:26.13
was physically here, to spend
the next 4 days, while she was
00:54:26.16\00:54:29.10
in a coma, to come
and make things right.
00:54:29.14\00:54:30.61
That was my heart's desire,
she was so proud of the life
00:54:30.65\00:54:35.43
I made for myself, what
God had done in my life,
00:54:35.46\00:54:37.44
the changes, that I wanted to do
honor unto her and have people
00:54:37.47\00:54:44.24
share with her and I never
had a thought to harm ever.
00:54:44.28\00:54:47.52
That is amazing, so your
healing was so amazing that you
00:54:47.56\00:54:50.77
never even had a thought.
00:54:50.80\00:54:52.13
I now want to have you come
back and want to hear exactly
00:54:52.16\00:54:55.21
how God has worked in
your life because I love you,
00:54:55.24\00:54:57.95
I love you. - I love you too!
00:54:57.98\00:54:59.56
You know thank you for
coming, God bless you and your
00:54:59.60\00:55:02.30
recovery and know that
you are part of our family.
00:55:02.33\00:55:05.00
Thank you, thanks
for all your doing.
00:55:05.04\00:55:06.60
We are going to go ahead
and take a break, but if you are
00:55:06.63\00:55:08.77
out there and you have
got anything, you are hurting
00:55:08.81\00:55:11.83
yourself in any way,
I'm talking about anyway.
00:55:11.86\00:55:13.92
I'm talking about religious
addictions for perfectionism.
00:55:13.96\00:55:17.33
Stealing, spending, cutting,
drug addiction, alcoholism,
00:55:17.36\00:55:20.70
porn addictions, any
of that kind of stuff.
00:55:20.73\00:55:23.25
If you are anywhere know
that God is bigger than your
00:55:23.29\00:55:26.90
addictions and He
wants to heal you.
00:55:26.93\00:55:28.90
He wants to step into your
life to say out loud to God,
00:55:28.93\00:55:32.21
give me the Holy Spirit, fill
me up, forgive me of my sins and
00:55:32.25\00:55:36.47
come into my life, I'm done.
00:55:36.50\00:55:38.36
We'll be right back.
00:55:38.39\00:55:40.11
Cheri Peters uses the
book, 'Coming Of The Comforter'
00:55:45.22\00:55:48.17
as a guide for the second
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00:55:48.21\00:55:51.57
Recovery, written by Lee
Roy E. Froom is a 320 page book
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that offers every
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00:55:54.97\00:55:57.24
Holy Spirit is available to all.
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3ABN now offers this book
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Call 3ABN at 618-627-4651
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I absolutely love the
fact that God can come into our
00:56:26.78\00:56:29.63
lives and change everything.
00:56:29.66\00:56:31.03
You know earlier we were
talking about the kid Lindsay.
00:56:31.07\00:56:34.36
She ends up at the moment
that I was telling you that
00:56:34.39\00:56:37.65
God doesn't care
about that, He poured in the
00:56:37.68\00:56:39.92
Holy Spirit with her
and I watched her change
00:56:39.95\00:56:42.16
in ways that were unbelievable.
00:56:42.19\00:56:44.06
The next time I see this
kids it was still at that court
00:56:44.10\00:56:47.06
appointed alternative school
and she look like a little
00:56:47.10\00:56:50.03
angel, I'm thinking oh shut up.
00:56:50.07\00:56:52.28
This kid was smiling and
she was happy, she saw herself
00:56:52.31\00:56:56.55
as lovely and pure
and I know with Vicky
00:56:56.59\00:56:59.93
as she got into healing.
00:56:59.96\00:57:01.24
And you heard her say, from
the moment God stepped in to
00:57:01.27\00:57:04.15
her life she started
being able to find peace for the
00:57:04.18\00:57:07.02
first time and she
set with God in devotion.
00:57:07.06\00:57:09.44
She could feel His presence,
she could feel the fact that
00:57:09.47\00:57:12.89
He loved her, all the cuts
and stuff in her body are just
00:57:12.92\00:57:16.30
victors from this war
that she had been through.
00:57:16.34\00:57:20.01
She is no longer ashamed of them
and she can tell you that God
00:57:20.04\00:57:23.66
stopped it all,
God changed it all.
00:57:23.70\00:57:25.74
I'm thinking that
that is the God we have.
00:57:25.77\00:57:28.00
If you have anything
you have to trust God with,
00:57:28.03\00:57:31.29
know that that is the God
we have and the Holy Spirit
00:57:31.33\00:57:34.25
says ask Me every day to
fill you up, every single day.
00:57:34.28\00:57:37.20
Were like leaky vessels,
if you don't stay fill me up
00:57:37.24\00:57:39.83
during the day we will
leak out all over the place and
00:57:39.86\00:57:42.42
we are empty again
so every single day when
00:57:42.45\00:57:44.42
you are in your time with God.
00:57:44.46\00:57:45.68
It doesn't have to be
formal or on your knees or
00:57:45.72\00:57:48.10
whatever, you can speak
to God anyway you want to and
00:57:48.13\00:57:50.77
say fill me up with your
Holy Spirit because I am not
00:57:50.81\00:57:53.41
bright enough to get
through all this junk.
00:57:53.45\00:57:55.63
I don't even know what
all the junk looks like but
00:57:55.67\00:57:57.74
I know that You do and I
also know that You know who
00:57:57.77\00:57:59.81
I am outside of all this damage.
00:57:59.84\00:58:02.45
You know what? You are
amazing! You are amazing.
00:58:02.49\00:58:05.78
Just remember and always
remember that God is crazy
00:58:05.82\00:58:09.08
about you and
remember too, I am.
00:58:09.11\00:58:11.94
I am crazy about you,
see you next time and until
00:58:11.97\00:58:15.59
then get on your knees
and hang out with God a bit.
00:58:15.63\00:58:19.22
You will be
surprised of the changes.
00:58:19.25\00:58:21.56