A good father
takes time to play.
00:00:01.36\00:00:05.50
He has strong integrity.
00:00:05.53\00:00:08.10
He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
00:00:08.14\00:00:12.14
He is not afraid
to show his love.
00:00:12.17\00:00:16.18
He is a caring provider.
00:00:16.21\00:00:20.02
And he's a kind
spiritual leader.
00:00:20.05\00:00:22.92
These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
00:00:22.95\00:00:28.09
Hi, welcome to A Father's Heart.
00:00:28.12\00:00:29.46
I'm your host Xavier.
00:00:29.49\00:00:30.99
And today, we're
going to be discussing
00:00:31.03\00:00:32.69
how do your sons
treat their wives
00:00:32.73\00:00:35.26
if you yourself never
had a father in your life?
00:00:35.30\00:00:38.73
And at the same time,
00:00:38.77\00:00:40.10
how did the wives
treat their husbands
00:00:40.14\00:00:42.40
if your daughters never
had a father to show them?
00:00:42.44\00:00:45.97
And with me to discuss that
is going to be my friend Gordon
00:00:46.01\00:00:49.44
and my lovely wife,
Brittany Hill Morales.
00:00:49.48\00:00:52.41
How are you
today? I'm doing well.
00:00:52.45\00:00:54.15
Doing good. Awesome.
00:00:54.18\00:00:55.52
So, you know, one of the things
00:00:55.55\00:00:57.79
that I always think about is,
00:00:57.82\00:01:00.96
if your son and you,
00:01:00.99\00:01:04.09
you don't have
this great relationship,
00:01:04.13\00:01:05.76
but you ended up yourself
00:01:05.79\00:01:07.13
never had a father to
have that relationship with?
00:01:07.16\00:01:09.63
How do you teach your
son how to treat his wife,
00:01:09.66\00:01:12.33
and at the same time, if
you, you know, as my wife,
00:01:12.37\00:01:14.97
if you had never had
a father in your life
00:01:15.00\00:01:17.97
to show you how to
treat your husband?
00:01:18.01\00:01:19.87
How does that work?
00:01:19.91\00:01:21.58
I think the first
thing, I mean, for me,
00:01:21.61\00:01:24.78
is to have that counseling,
a premarital counseling,
00:01:24.81\00:01:29.32
and hopefully you have a
good pastor or a counselor
00:01:29.35\00:01:32.85
that teaches you these things
00:01:32.89\00:01:34.22
that takes you
through the process,
00:01:34.26\00:01:35.96
so that when you are solid,
00:01:35.99\00:01:37.93
then you can
pass on what you know,
00:01:37.96\00:01:40.66
because you really can't
share what you don't know.
00:01:40.70\00:01:43.13
But it starts
00:01:43.16\00:01:44.50
with that premarital counseling,
00:01:44.53\00:01:46.57
I think that's a
very important part of,
00:01:46.60\00:01:49.47
you know, just being able to get
00:01:49.50\00:01:51.11
the tools that you need.
00:01:51.14\00:01:52.47
There's so many tools,
so many tools out there,
00:01:52.51\00:01:54.18
there's so many stuff out there
00:01:54.21\00:01:55.81
that you yourself
can go seeking as to
00:01:55.84\00:01:59.15
how do I, you know,
how do I teach my child?
00:01:59.18\00:02:02.82
How do I teach myself
how to be a better husband?
00:02:02.85\00:02:05.92
How so that I can
help my son or my daughter
00:02:05.95\00:02:09.26
find the right
spouse, I tell you, for us,
00:02:09.29\00:02:12.59
well, I go away biblical
on this one, in this way,
00:02:12.63\00:02:16.63
is that for my son, for
him to find a good wife,
00:02:16.67\00:02:19.73
he's got to come to
a mother and father.
00:02:19.77\00:02:22.34
We're looking for that,
00:02:22.37\00:02:23.71
we are actively
looking for a spouse
00:02:23.74\00:02:28.98
of a spouse's for my children.
00:02:29.01\00:02:30.71
And we have, they
know this from small,
00:02:30.75\00:02:33.31
and we make no excuses
00:02:33.35\00:02:34.68
that you're not
bringing anyone here
00:02:34.72\00:02:36.05
unless they're
part of the family
00:02:36.08\00:02:39.09
that mesh with the family.
00:02:39.12\00:02:40.59
So we're
involved, my son said to me,
00:02:40.62\00:02:42.79
"Well, dad, can
I at least choose?"
00:02:42.82\00:02:45.86
I said, "Well.
00:02:45.89\00:02:47.23
Yeah, you can choose,
bring that individual.
00:02:47.26\00:02:50.80
And then they will get
the stamp of approval."
00:02:50.83\00:02:53.23
If they don't get
the stamp of approval,
00:02:53.27\00:02:54.64
it's not going to work.
00:02:54.67\00:02:56.10
So that's just some
of the things that we do
00:02:56.14\00:02:58.17
so that we can help them
navigate life and future.
00:02:58.21\00:03:03.75
If you bring somebody in
the family, and they're not,
00:03:03.78\00:03:07.02
you know, they don't
mesh nicely with the family,
00:03:07.05\00:03:10.09
it can be a lot of
problem, a lot of tension.
00:03:10.12\00:03:12.39
So that's one of the
things we want to do,
00:03:12.42\00:03:14.56
we're trying to
do with our children.
00:03:14.59\00:03:16.76
I don't know if you
have something to add.
00:03:16.79\00:03:18.89
I do in regards
to how do you teach,
00:03:18.93\00:03:22.86
talking about fathers
teaching their daughters
00:03:22.90\00:03:25.53
what they should expect.
00:03:25.57\00:03:27.44
I think the first
thing that needs to happen
00:03:27.47\00:03:30.01
is you have to ask God,
00:03:30.04\00:03:32.77
if you're a spiritual
father, spiritual leader,
00:03:32.81\00:03:36.34
even as a mother,
00:03:36.38\00:03:37.71
you have to go to God
and talk to Him personally.
00:03:37.75\00:03:39.95
And when I say
ask God, I am saying,
00:03:39.98\00:03:42.85
search in the
scriptures because that is good.
00:03:42.88\00:03:45.09
But we have a thing
where we don't talk to God,
00:03:45.12\00:03:48.99
we do every other thing,
00:03:49.02\00:03:50.39
but we don't
actually sit down and say,
00:03:50.43\00:03:52.39
"Lord, this is what's
going on in my heart."
00:03:52.43\00:03:54.40
This is the issue,
00:03:54.43\00:03:55.76
and actually
pray and listen back
00:03:55.80\00:03:58.23
to hear what God has to say,
00:03:58.27\00:03:59.60
to have
00:03:59.63\00:04:00.97
that personal
relationship with Him.
00:04:01.00\00:04:02.34
That's the first
thing to ask God.
00:04:02.37\00:04:04.27
And in that,
00:04:04.31\00:04:05.97
when you're asking God
00:04:06.01\00:04:07.34
with the presence
of your daughter there,
00:04:07.38\00:04:09.61
you're teaching
her three things.
00:04:09.64\00:04:11.78
First thing is how,
00:04:11.81\00:04:13.68
you're teaching her
how to pray for her spouse.
00:04:13.72\00:04:17.05
And that's something
00:04:17.09\00:04:18.42
that doesn't
just naturally come,
00:04:18.45\00:04:20.02
they have to
experience and learn that,
00:04:20.06\00:04:21.96
how do you pray for your spouse.
00:04:21.99\00:04:23.32
The next thing,
00:04:23.36\00:04:24.69
you're teaching them
how to pray with a man,
00:04:24.73\00:04:27.50
with a person.
00:04:27.53\00:04:28.86
They are so much dirty
things going on in this world,
00:04:28.90\00:04:33.67
that people are
abusing the power
00:04:33.70\00:04:36.34
and the beauty of prayer,
00:04:36.37\00:04:37.91
that as a father,
00:04:37.94\00:04:39.27
when you're
talking to your child,
00:04:39.31\00:04:41.28
and both of you're going
to God about this relationship
00:04:41.31\00:04:44.05
that hasn't happened yet
or even if it has happened,
00:04:44.08\00:04:46.98
you're teaching
her, okay, this is how,
00:04:47.02\00:04:48.78
this is what prayer or
not supposed to look like.
00:04:48.82\00:04:51.72
And the third thing,
you're also teaching her,
00:04:51.75\00:04:54.46
what does it mean to ask
someone else to pray over me?
00:04:54.49\00:04:57.23
Because again, the
case of spiritual abuse.
00:04:57.26\00:05:01.23
There are some men
00:05:01.26\00:05:02.60
that when they're
praying over their wife
00:05:02.63\00:05:03.97
to say the Lord,
00:05:04.00\00:05:05.33
help her to learn
how to submit to me.
00:05:05.37\00:05:08.37
The Lord help her
learn how to cook better.
00:05:08.40\00:05:10.07
What he wants,
don't think that can work,
00:05:10.11\00:05:12.37
but she is from that experience,
00:05:12.41\00:05:14.94
you may not have had a
father to teach you that.
00:05:14.98\00:05:17.45
But as a father,
you can be able to say,
00:05:17.48\00:05:19.45
"Okay, these
are the three things
00:05:19.48\00:05:20.82
that I'm trying to
show you by us praying,"
00:05:20.85\00:05:23.15
using prayer,
00:05:23.18\00:05:24.52
asking God as
that separate thing
00:05:24.55\00:05:25.89
to be like, this is important,
00:05:25.92\00:05:27.26
relationship
with guy is important.
00:05:27.29\00:05:28.86
For God to be the
center of their relationship,
00:05:28.89\00:05:31.49
you have to show
that from the beginning
00:05:31.53\00:05:33.60
as having God as the center
of relationship as a father
00:05:33.63\00:05:35.36
and a daughter,
father and a son, too.
00:05:35.40\00:05:38.30
I think that is
important, I agree with Brittany
00:05:38.33\00:05:40.67
that prayer is important
key and if you're not modeling,
00:05:40.70\00:05:44.64
we talked about
this in previous visit.
00:05:44.67\00:05:46.27
If you as a
father not modeling that
00:05:46.31\00:05:48.24
that child wouldn't
know how to model a prayer.
00:05:48.28\00:05:51.31
And yes, being able
to pray for a spouse,
00:05:51.35\00:05:56.89
for your child
and have your child,
00:05:56.92\00:05:59.15
your son or your daughter
see and hear you praying,
00:05:59.19\00:06:02.82
because it's one thing to
be on your knees just praying,
00:06:02.86\00:06:05.96
but they need to
hear the prayers,
00:06:05.99\00:06:07.50
they need to hear
the prayers and devotion.
00:06:07.53\00:06:09.43
They need to hear it throughout,
00:06:09.46\00:06:11.13
you know, their life growing up
00:06:11.17\00:06:12.63
where they know,
my dad and my mom,
00:06:12.67\00:06:14.34
they're praying for
me to have this spouse.
00:06:14.37\00:06:18.04
So in other words,
00:06:18.07\00:06:19.41
they're praying
for my success in life
00:06:19.44\00:06:22.28
for my future spouse.
00:06:22.31\00:06:23.88
And I appreciate that in
something you said earlier,
00:06:23.91\00:06:26.82
I appreciate your
involvement with your son,
00:06:26.85\00:06:28.58
because, you know,
00:06:28.62\00:06:29.95
I went through
different relationships
00:06:29.98\00:06:31.65
that really that I
could have avoided,
00:06:31.69\00:06:34.39
you know, because your parents
don't want to be overbearing,
00:06:34.42\00:06:37.53
because you're an
adult, but at the same time,
00:06:37.56\00:06:39.23
they don't know
how to approach it.
00:06:39.26\00:06:40.60
And I think it's
key to have that balance
00:06:40.63\00:06:42.90
with your child to know that,
00:06:42.93\00:06:44.30
hey, I'm not
going to control you.
00:06:44.33\00:06:46.53
But I'm going to be involved,
not because you don't know,
00:06:46.57\00:06:50.04
but because I've
been here longer.
00:06:50.07\00:06:52.24
So I have an understanding,
and I want the best for you.
00:06:52.27\00:06:55.11
And I think as a father,
you know, when my parents got,
00:06:55.14\00:06:58.21
you know, when I got
the stamp of approval
00:06:58.25\00:07:00.62
with my wife now,
00:07:00.65\00:07:02.38
it meant the world to me,
00:07:02.42\00:07:04.29
because, you know,
00:07:04.32\00:07:05.95
they've been
married for 40 years.
00:07:05.99\00:07:08.02
And to get a stamp of approval,
00:07:08.06\00:07:10.39
which I never had
before, it just meant the world
00:07:10.43\00:07:12.83
because I know
it's coming from people
00:07:12.86\00:07:14.50
that have been there,
00:07:14.53\00:07:16.13
they understand that
knowing just one the best,
00:07:16.16\00:07:18.70
you know, and let's
throw on the flip side,
00:07:18.73\00:07:22.40
as ministers,
what, or as counselors,
00:07:22.44\00:07:26.91
however you want to call it,
00:07:26.94\00:07:28.28
how do you deal
with a child or somebody,
00:07:28.31\00:07:31.05
adult that's coming to you?
00:07:31.08\00:07:33.58
I don't know your backgrounds
as far as if you know,
00:07:33.62\00:07:36.58
your dad's
involvement in your life?
00:07:36.62\00:07:38.89
How do you deal with?
00:07:38.92\00:07:40.26
The same with my wife,
how do you deal with a woman
00:07:40.29\00:07:42.52
that's coming to you
00:07:42.56\00:07:43.89
who hasn't had a
father in her life,
00:07:43.93\00:07:46.06
if she wants to know
00:07:46.09\00:07:47.43
how do I even know
if I have the right guy?
00:07:47.46\00:07:49.03
How do I treat my husband?
00:07:49.06\00:07:51.37
I don't know, my
father was never there.
00:07:51.40\00:07:53.34
I don't know what to do
00:07:53.37\00:07:54.70
and I'm praying
I'm doing what I can,
00:07:54.74\00:07:56.64
but I just don't know.
00:07:56.67\00:07:59.87
Go ahead. Go ahead.
00:07:59.91\00:08:01.24
Okay, I'll go ahead.
00:08:01.28\00:08:03.51
Well, the first step
is the fact that she came
00:08:03.55\00:08:06.11
and she said something
00:08:06.15\00:08:07.48
and being able to
admit that you don't know
00:08:07.52\00:08:09.98
is an important first step.
00:08:10.02\00:08:12.55
That's one thing I
just said as counselors.
00:08:12.59\00:08:15.56
This is a challenging area,
00:08:15.59\00:08:17.63
when we have
clients and patients
00:08:17.66\00:08:19.19
is them not being able to
admit that there's a problem,
00:08:19.23\00:08:22.26
and you're seeing the problem.
00:08:22.30\00:08:24.00
So that's a
beautiful green flat great,
00:08:24.03\00:08:27.34
green like great.
00:08:27.37\00:08:29.54
But how should she
approach it is again,
00:08:29.57\00:08:33.27
you know, asking
God, speaking to God
00:08:33.31\00:08:34.64
and having that relationship
00:08:34.68\00:08:36.01
if she's a person
of the Christian faith.
00:08:36.04\00:08:40.02
Seeking the scriptures,
00:08:40.05\00:08:42.15
the different sort of advice
I will probably give is based
00:08:42.18\00:08:45.85
on the different
levels of research,
00:08:45.89\00:08:47.72
I will probably reference
a few different resources
00:08:47.76\00:08:50.73
because marriage professionals,
00:08:50.76\00:08:53.60
marriage and family
therapy professionals,
00:08:53.63\00:08:55.60
they have done so much research
00:08:55.63\00:08:57.10
that's gone for over 100 years,
00:08:57.13\00:08:59.33
over 100 years
00:08:59.37\00:09:00.80
on the different
keys to a relationship
00:09:00.84\00:09:03.67
and helping it to be successful.
00:09:03.71\00:09:06.14
So like, don't be afraid
to go into and to listen,
00:09:06.17\00:09:09.84
there are new things
that I'm learning every day
00:09:09.88\00:09:13.11
that's helping our relationship.
00:09:13.15\00:09:15.35
There are new things
that are just developing.
00:09:15.38\00:09:18.72
And one thing I would pop,
00:09:18.75\00:09:21.29
would most
likely tell her is this.
00:09:21.32\00:09:23.93
You have to accept
the reality of sin.
00:09:23.96\00:09:27.53
You cannot ignore
that sin is a factor
00:09:27.56\00:09:30.57
in each and
every one of our lives,
00:09:30.60\00:09:32.73
including herself and
including in her spouse
00:09:32.77\00:09:36.47
or her significant
00:09:36.50\00:09:37.84
other the person
she's working with.
00:09:37.87\00:09:39.71
We hear all these lists of
great qualities in a person,
00:09:39.74\00:09:43.31
they should be
this, they should be that,
00:09:43.35\00:09:44.71
they should be
this, they should be that.
00:09:44.75\00:09:46.61
But that may not be
00:09:46.65\00:09:49.28
where your significant other is.
00:09:49.32\00:09:51.65
And you have to
accept the reality
00:09:51.69\00:09:53.86
that sin has marred our nature
00:09:53.89\00:09:56.42
and the perfect
ability that we should have.
00:09:56.46\00:09:58.89
And yes, you would
want certain things,
00:09:58.93\00:10:01.00
but you have to accept
00:10:01.03\00:10:02.36
that he's not going to be there,
00:10:02.40\00:10:03.73
or it might take a few years.
00:10:03.77\00:10:05.10
And you also have to accept
that you have to work together
00:10:05.13\00:10:07.94
in that journey.
00:10:07.97\00:10:10.04
As a pastor and a
family life educator,
00:10:10.07\00:10:12.34
one of the things
that I do is to help people
00:10:12.37\00:10:15.61
to go to the
scriptures for references.
00:10:15.64\00:10:17.68
And not only
that, look at Titus,
00:10:17.71\00:10:20.68
what is the role of the
old women in the church?
00:10:20.72\00:10:25.02
The older women is to
teach the younger women.
00:10:25.05\00:10:28.39
And so I connect
them with a strong couple
00:10:28.42\00:10:32.26
that has been through.
00:10:32.29\00:10:33.96
And I do this on a regular basis
00:10:34.00\00:10:36.20
so I will collect
the younger couples
00:10:36.23\00:10:37.90
with older couples
00:10:37.93\00:10:39.27
so that they can help
them or a younger person
00:10:39.30\00:10:42.34
that is looking to get married,
00:10:42.37\00:10:44.07
or if their
marriage are in trouble,
00:10:44.11\00:10:46.07
connect them
with an older couple,
00:10:46.11\00:10:47.91
that they can help
them, they can talk with them,
00:10:47.94\00:10:49.78
they can mentor them.
00:10:49.81\00:10:51.15
It is one of the pivotal things
I believe that we need to do
00:10:51.18\00:10:55.62
and keep doing
to help our people,
00:10:55.65\00:10:58.15
young ladies and young men,
00:10:58.19\00:11:01.52
help them find the right spouse,
00:11:01.56\00:11:03.99
help them develop
strong healthy relationships,
00:11:04.03\00:11:08.16
is by being able to put
them alongside a couple,
00:11:08.20\00:11:12.07
I believe that
the Bible has given us
00:11:12.10\00:11:14.17
some strong counsel on this
00:11:14.20\00:11:17.31
is that the older
should teach the younger.
00:11:17.34\00:11:20.28
And I think why
we're so messed up
00:11:20.31\00:11:22.28
is because we missed that.
00:11:22.31\00:11:24.01
You see, I agree with that.
00:11:24.05\00:11:25.58
And that's one of the things
00:11:25.61\00:11:26.95
that I wanted to
talk about a little more
00:11:26.98\00:11:29.38
is I've had my dad
model his life, you know,
00:11:29.42\00:11:35.96
around my mom, I
would watch him interact in,
00:11:35.99\00:11:38.99
you know, in a
society in Puerto Rico,
00:11:39.03\00:11:41.06
socially, you grow up
in a patriarchal setting
00:11:41.10\00:11:43.83
where the wife does everything,
cooking, cleaning in,
00:11:43.87\00:11:48.44
but my mom and dad
were not about that.
00:11:48.47\00:11:51.24
My mom said you
need to be able to,
00:11:51.27\00:11:53.04
because what if
your wife gets sick?
00:11:53.07\00:11:54.74
You got to be able to cook.
00:11:54.78\00:11:56.41
You know what if she's tired?
00:11:56.44\00:11:57.85
What she shouldn't be
able to do everything?
00:11:57.88\00:11:59.88
My dad would say when I was,
00:11:59.91\00:12:01.28
"Boy, you better
get into a kitchen
00:12:01.32\00:12:02.65
and start cleaning and cooking.
00:12:02.68\00:12:04.45
You know, get my belt down
00:12:04.49\00:12:05.82
and I'll show
you what a man does."
00:12:05.85\00:12:07.19
I'm like, "Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I'll go, I'll go."
00:12:07.22\00:12:09.06
You know, I had to
learn both spectrums of,
00:12:09.09\00:12:12.26
but looking at
their relationship
00:12:12.29\00:12:13.80
and how they communicated
and how they grew together,
00:12:13.83\00:12:15.96
they went through,
00:12:16.00\00:12:17.33
there was a period in time
00:12:17.37\00:12:18.70
where they were
going to get divorced.
00:12:18.73\00:12:20.07
But something that
they ingrained in me
00:12:20.10\00:12:22.67
that I never
understood until now
00:12:22.70\00:12:25.31
was that what
saved their marriage
00:12:25.34\00:12:26.88
aside from prayer
00:12:26.91\00:12:28.31
was their friendship
that they had at the beginning
00:12:28.34\00:12:31.11
as friends,
before they got married,
00:12:31.15\00:12:32.65
they were a longtime friends.
00:12:32.68\00:12:34.42
And I had the benefit
of having done modeling
00:12:34.45\00:12:37.25
in my life,
00:12:37.29\00:12:38.62
even though I chose
to go a different route.
00:12:38.65\00:12:41.39
And I took the scenic
route to get to the right place.
00:12:41.42\00:12:44.39
What about you?
00:12:44.43\00:12:45.76
Did you have that modeling
from your father in your life?
00:12:45.79\00:12:49.86
I had the modeling
from my father in my life,
00:12:49.90\00:12:52.63
so it was easier for me.
00:12:52.67\00:12:54.64
But along the line,
00:12:54.67\00:12:56.04
I have seen the side
effects of not having it.
00:12:56.07\00:13:00.51
For example, just to
share two quick stories
00:13:00.54\00:13:02.54
if you guys don't mind.
00:13:02.58\00:13:03.98
My sister when she got married,
00:13:04.01\00:13:06.55
I could remember as yesterday,
00:13:06.58\00:13:08.88
my dad and my mom
00:13:08.92\00:13:10.25
saying this is not
the right person for you.
00:13:10.29\00:13:13.12
Trying to help her but
she decided you know what,
00:13:13.15\00:13:16.69
get him for me
'cause he please me well,
00:13:16.73\00:13:19.89
and marriage did not work.
00:13:19.93\00:13:22.90
Things did not end up well.
00:13:22.93\00:13:25.43
So even though you may
model something for your child,
00:13:25.47\00:13:29.60
a child sometimes
chooses their own route in life,
00:13:29.64\00:13:33.84
and it ends up
sometimes not the best.
00:13:33.88\00:13:37.88
So in my life, my
father and my mother
00:13:37.91\00:13:40.68
been married all their lives
until my father passed away.
00:13:40.72\00:13:44.62
Their marriage was a
commuter relationship,
00:13:44.65\00:13:46.69
commuter marriage
because my father worked away.
00:13:46.72\00:13:49.02
And then, you know, he
would come home on weekends.
00:13:49.06\00:13:51.03
But when he was
home, he was present.
00:13:51.06\00:13:53.29
He was there.
00:13:53.33\00:13:54.66
He was not a
father that was not there
00:13:54.70\00:13:56.53
when he was there.
00:13:56.56\00:13:58.00
So the model I
saw how he treated,
00:13:58.03\00:14:00.10
I've never seen my
mother and my father argue once,
00:14:00.14\00:14:05.27
never in all the
years of my life.
00:14:05.31\00:14:08.28
So I've same thing,
00:14:08.31\00:14:10.45
I try not to have
arguments with my wife,
00:14:10.48\00:14:13.25
right we don't
have any arguments.
00:14:13.28\00:14:15.05
Well, it's just amazing
before we had arguments,
00:14:15.08\00:14:18.32
because on the flip side,
00:14:18.35\00:14:20.39
my wife did not have
that modeling as a father.
00:14:20.42\00:14:25.39
And her mother was her friend.
00:14:25.43\00:14:28.53
It was a chaotic, you
know, it ended up were not nice,
00:14:28.56\00:14:33.57
chaotic results.
00:14:33.60\00:14:35.07
So modeling is important.
00:14:35.10\00:14:38.34
And so, right now
00:14:38.37\00:14:39.71
the balance that we have to have
00:14:39.74\00:14:42.54
in our home
00:14:42.58\00:14:43.91
because of her
spectrum and my spectrum
00:14:43.95\00:14:46.05
is that we merge
these two things together,
00:14:46.08\00:14:47.88
and they end up beautiful,
00:14:47.92\00:14:49.25
because she knows
00:14:49.28\00:14:50.62
that I don't want to
be a friend to my children
00:14:50.65\00:14:52.55
and their mother,
00:14:52.59\00:14:53.92
so I'm going to
carry on that role.
00:14:53.96\00:14:56.36
And what she had to do as
she went through counseling
00:14:56.39\00:14:59.59
for years to correct
some of our ideologies,
00:14:59.63\00:15:05.63
the brokenness
that she experienced.
00:15:05.67\00:15:09.67
And I was there as the
husband to stand with her,
00:15:09.70\00:15:14.21
and then help her
through her process.
00:15:14.24\00:15:17.05
I didn't get into the
process, I just stand with her.
00:15:17.08\00:15:19.51
So on both sides,
I've seen and experience,
00:15:19.55\00:15:23.15
you know, what it means to
have a father in your life,
00:15:23.18\00:15:26.76
even though it
wasn't seven days a week.
00:15:26.79\00:15:31.16
But when he was there,
he was in a relationship.
00:15:31.19\00:15:34.10
And so my choices
was a little different.
00:15:34.13\00:15:37.63
My wife, on the flip
side, she didn't have the same.
00:15:37.67\00:15:43.51
What about you?
00:15:43.54\00:15:44.87
Just thinking about
00:15:44.91\00:15:46.24
you saying the
importance of counseling
00:15:46.27\00:15:47.98
and having that moment
to correct wrong ideologies.
00:15:48.01\00:15:52.95
And I also hear
there was a process in it,
00:15:52.98\00:15:56.52
it is not something
that happened overnight.
00:15:56.55\00:15:58.72
And that's one thing as parents
to train your child to realize,
00:15:58.75\00:16:05.19
things don't happen overnight.
00:16:05.23\00:16:07.86
It's a process, it's a journey.
00:16:07.90\00:16:09.96
And you have to figure
out if you're willing to deal
00:16:10.00\00:16:12.73
with these certain
elements in the journey.
00:16:12.77\00:16:15.34
And it's a difficult
skill to accept for yourself,
00:16:15.37\00:16:19.21
and then to teach your child,
00:16:19.24\00:16:20.91
this is the
reality of life, honey,
00:16:20.94\00:16:22.94
he may not be perfect,
00:16:22.98\00:16:24.81
he may have his own backgrounds,
00:16:24.85\00:16:26.72
his own
understanding, his own thing,
00:16:26.75\00:16:29.35
but you have to work through it.
00:16:29.38\00:16:31.22
And I think one
important element
00:16:31.25\00:16:33.42
as a parent, is,
you have to accept that.
00:16:33.46\00:16:39.09
So when your
child comes and says,
00:16:39.13\00:16:41.13
well, so and so
has this ideology.
00:16:41.16\00:16:42.96
Oh, I know, you should
have never married that.
00:16:43.00\00:16:44.73
You can't, you
cannot act like that.
00:16:44.77\00:16:47.20
You have to accept that reality
00:16:47.24\00:16:48.67
and be supportive and realize
that it is no longer your baby.
00:16:48.70\00:16:54.38
This is a grown,
married adult now.
00:16:54.41\00:16:57.95
And the information, the wisdom,
00:16:57.98\00:16:59.45
the guidance that you give,
00:16:59.48\00:17:00.82
you have to give
from that perspective of,
00:17:00.85\00:17:02.48
yes, in my heart,
00:17:02.52\00:17:03.85
you're still my little
baby, my little wiener.
00:17:03.89\00:17:05.85
But that's not
what's happening right now.
00:17:05.89\00:17:07.96
They're an adult,
00:17:07.99\00:17:09.32
and you have to
allow them to figure out
00:17:09.36\00:17:12.09
what is their cup
of tea, because this,
00:17:12.13\00:17:15.46
you may look at
your friend's face
00:17:15.50\00:17:16.90
and be like, oh,
that should be your...
00:17:16.93\00:17:18.27
No, that's not their cup of tea,
00:17:18.30\00:17:19.63
that's not their cup to bear,
00:17:19.67\00:17:21.00
that's not what
they should be in there
00:17:21.04\00:17:22.37
or should be afterwards.
00:17:22.40\00:17:23.74
Have to let them
figure it out for themselves,
00:17:23.77\00:17:25.11
and be that
support as their parent
00:17:25.14\00:17:26.64
to figure out what exactly is it
00:17:26.68\00:17:28.58
that they need to
have in their relationship
00:17:28.61\00:17:31.71
and allow them to
struggle a little bit.
00:17:31.75\00:17:33.15
As parents,
00:17:33.18\00:17:34.52
we don't want
our kids to struggle,
00:17:34.55\00:17:35.88
we wanted to get it perfectly,
00:17:35.92\00:17:37.25
you want to have a great spouse
00:17:37.29\00:17:38.62
wanting to be
married to that person
00:17:38.65\00:17:39.99
till the day you die.
00:17:40.02\00:17:41.36
But they may have some
rough roads on the path
00:17:41.39\00:17:42.96
and you have to learn
how to encourage and support
00:17:42.99\00:17:44.53
and to lift up.
00:17:44.56\00:17:46.23
I don't plan to
be in my children,
00:17:46.26\00:17:47.60
and I agree with you,
00:17:47.63\00:17:48.96
I don't plan to be
in my children's life.
00:17:49.00\00:17:51.97
You know, every, navigate
in every step of the way,
00:17:52.00\00:17:54.67
they're going to have to learn,
00:17:54.70\00:17:56.04
they're going to have to
let someone but I do say this,
00:17:56.07\00:17:58.67
and I'm very
straight with this point,
00:17:58.71\00:18:02.01
if we don't agree
with it, I'm not in it.
00:18:02.04\00:18:07.92
If we agree with the marriage,
00:18:07.95\00:18:09.28
and we agree
with who we sign off,
00:18:09.32\00:18:11.22
you get our blessings.
00:18:11.25\00:18:12.62
When you need us, we are there
00:18:12.65\00:18:13.99
but we're not there
00:18:14.02\00:18:15.36
to navigate your
life all the way.
00:18:15.39\00:18:17.06
And I'm just very,
very plain with that.
00:18:17.09\00:18:19.56
I believe that parents
00:18:19.59\00:18:21.30
we're going to
always be parents.
00:18:21.33\00:18:22.66
We'll never stop being
parent to our children,
00:18:22.70\00:18:24.90
but we need to give them
the space in their marriage
00:18:24.93\00:18:27.74
to grow and to,
00:18:27.77\00:18:29.10
you know, to
experience the bumps,
00:18:29.14\00:18:30.77
but you cannot allow
them, you can't, I mean,
00:18:30.81\00:18:34.31
have them go through that
if you yourself are not whole.
00:18:34.34\00:18:38.91
And a lot of problems we
have is that we are broken.
00:18:38.95\00:18:41.98
And as parents, we
are not coming to grips,
00:18:42.02\00:18:44.49
we're not willing to come
to grips with our brokenness.
00:18:44.52\00:18:47.66
And so we have a broken,
00:18:47.69\00:18:49.22
they're broken parent
00:18:49.26\00:18:50.69
trying to
parent broken children.
00:18:50.73\00:18:53.80
So the whole system is broken.
00:18:53.83\00:18:55.90
So only God can help us.
00:18:55.93\00:18:57.83
So we got to come back
00:18:57.87\00:18:59.27
to what you started with prayer,
00:18:59.30\00:19:00.90
and put them in
the hands of God,
00:19:00.94\00:19:02.97
and putting
ourselves in hands of God,
00:19:03.00\00:19:04.51
and being open and plain
and honest with ourselves.
00:19:04.54\00:19:08.21
And I think that's critical,
00:19:08.24\00:19:09.58
you know, when I see so
many different spectrums.
00:19:09.61\00:19:12.18
You know, I have
mentored young men
00:19:12.21\00:19:15.52
that didn't have a father,
00:19:15.55\00:19:17.59
and they don't
know what to do next.
00:19:17.62\00:19:19.19
I've also talked to women
00:19:19.22\00:19:20.92
that whose fathers
weren't in their lives,
00:19:20.96\00:19:23.49
and they just, you know,
00:19:23.53\00:19:24.86
you could see that
they want to do better,
00:19:24.89\00:19:26.70
but they just don't know how.
00:19:26.73\00:19:28.70
And I think it's
important for all of us
00:19:28.73\00:19:30.33
that have any
type of experience,
00:19:30.37\00:19:34.57
whatever the case maybe,
00:19:34.60\00:19:36.34
to have that understanding that,
00:19:36.37\00:19:37.71
you know, it's critical,
00:19:37.74\00:19:39.07
and I know for my
girls, for our daughters,
00:19:39.11\00:19:42.61
we, you know,
00:19:42.64\00:19:44.21
are very much against the notion
00:19:44.25\00:19:47.58
that they're going
to get married one day.
00:19:47.62\00:19:49.85
I am not going to
lie. I know what you mean.
00:19:49.88\00:19:51.55
I say to them, you
know, you're going to get me
00:19:51.59\00:19:53.99
to the Prince of Peace one day,
00:19:54.02\00:19:55.36
what are you going to do
is wait till he comes back.
00:19:55.39\00:19:57.16
That's it.
00:19:57.19\00:19:58.53
That's the bedtime
story I'm with you.
00:19:58.56\00:19:59.93
I'm with you there.
00:19:59.96\00:20:01.46
I just did the notion
of my daughters growing up,
00:20:01.50\00:20:04.70
the notion of
them falling in love
00:20:04.73\00:20:07.34
and having a
boyfriend and getting married.
00:20:07.37\00:20:09.80
That just, it bothers me.
00:20:09.84\00:20:13.38
But is reality,
00:20:13.41\00:20:14.78
and one of the
things that I've done
00:20:14.81\00:20:16.14
is just to really be involved
and become a better father,
00:20:16.18\00:20:20.12
become a better man.
00:20:20.15\00:20:21.68
So they know that
00:20:21.72\00:20:23.39
how a man is
supposed to treat them.
00:20:23.42\00:20:26.05
And I think that's so critical.
00:20:26.09\00:20:27.42
You know, there's
so many dads out there
00:20:27.46\00:20:28.79
that are not involved.
00:20:28.82\00:20:30.79
And even then
when I have relatives
00:20:30.83\00:20:34.40
that whose dad is
not in their life,
00:20:34.43\00:20:36.36
you know, they're
women, they're grown women
00:20:36.40\00:20:38.40
and there may be times
00:20:38.43\00:20:40.27
that even though they're adults,
00:20:40.30\00:20:41.64
they want to call dad, dad.
00:20:41.67\00:20:43.00
Hey, my, I have
a question for you,
00:20:43.04\00:20:45.07
da-da-da, you know,
00:20:45.11\00:20:46.44
just ideas just, you
know, bouncing back ideas
00:20:46.47\00:20:48.71
from your father.
00:20:48.74\00:20:50.18
And I'm just, it frustrates me
00:20:50.21\00:20:53.48
to the oddest
extent when I see women,
00:20:53.52\00:20:56.35
grown women who,
00:20:56.38\00:20:57.72
who tell me my
father is not my life.
00:20:57.75\00:20:59.72
What is wrong with you, man?
00:20:59.75\00:21:02.36
Like you big
enough to procreate?
00:21:02.39\00:21:05.66
Be big enough to be
in your daughter's life?
00:21:05.69\00:21:08.70
She's innocent, but
she didn't do anything,
00:21:08.73\00:21:10.27
she didn't ask to be here.
00:21:10.30\00:21:11.93
Got blessed her to be here.
00:21:11.97\00:21:13.90
It's your job to step up.
00:21:13.94\00:21:16.07
I don't care what the excuses.
00:21:16.10\00:21:17.91
Do you know what
you're doing? None of us do.
00:21:17.94\00:21:20.18
But it's not a matter of knowing
00:21:20.21\00:21:21.54
what we were doing,
00:21:21.58\00:21:22.91
it's a matter of
knowing who to go to,
00:21:22.94\00:21:24.28
who knows what he's doing.
00:21:24.31\00:21:25.65
And that's Jesus Christ.
00:21:25.68\00:21:27.12
And I think that's
important, you know,
00:21:27.15\00:21:28.52
and just really
equipping our members,
00:21:28.55\00:21:32.35
'cause you're going to
have church members like that.
00:21:32.39\00:21:34.36
And, Gordon, have
you had an experience
00:21:34.39\00:21:35.72
with church members like that?
00:21:35.76\00:21:37.19
You know, I've had
many experiences like that.
00:21:37.23\00:21:40.53
I can recall, recall one,
and I will tell the father,
00:21:40.56\00:21:44.00
so listen, this is,
this is your baby girl.
00:21:44.03\00:21:47.70
You need to date your baby girl
00:21:47.74\00:21:49.74
so that she can see
00:21:49.77\00:21:51.11
how a man need to treat
her, bring here a rose one day.
00:21:51.14\00:21:55.38
So I'm trying to
correct some things in his life
00:21:55.41\00:21:59.45
to help him be a better parent
to his child, the brokenness,
00:21:59.48\00:22:03.72
the pain in the daughter's eyes,
00:22:03.75\00:22:06.25
I remember her
she is just crying.
00:22:06.29\00:22:08.39
Why?
00:22:08.42\00:22:09.76
Because that that
bond wasn't there.
00:22:09.79\00:22:13.60
My daughter Jasmine,
she is the light of my life,
00:22:13.63\00:22:18.77
you know, and I'm
watching her 17 going on 18
00:22:18.80\00:22:22.87
and I'm saying you know what?
00:22:22.90\00:22:26.27
This is not good times.
00:22:26.31\00:22:29.74
Because I know
00:22:29.78\00:22:31.11
that you're
going to have to leave
00:22:31.15\00:22:32.71
home one day,
00:22:32.75\00:22:34.08
but I'm going to make
sure that when you leave home,
00:22:34.12\00:22:37.22
you have all the tools
that when we help you choose,
00:22:37.25\00:22:41.59
it will be the right person,
00:22:41.62\00:22:43.09
because her dad bring her rose.
00:22:43.12\00:22:45.66
Her dad Snapchats with her.
00:22:45.69\00:22:47.66
We will Snapchat,
00:22:47.70\00:22:49.03
and I don't know what I'm doing
00:22:49.06\00:22:50.40
but I'm doing it,
00:22:50.43\00:22:51.77
you know, we do all this
00:22:51.80\00:22:53.30
because this is
what they're doing.
00:22:53.34\00:22:55.14
So I, you know,
that is there with you.
00:22:55.17\00:22:58.27
So she knows
that that I'm there.
00:22:58.31\00:22:59.81
And I think that is so important
00:22:59.84\00:23:01.44
first to let her,
00:23:01.48\00:23:02.81
you know, let our daughters know
00:23:02.84\00:23:04.51
that listen,
00:23:04.55\00:23:06.18
when I find a man,
00:23:06.21\00:23:07.68
that man's got to be
better than my father,
00:23:07.72\00:23:10.65
treat me better than my father,
00:23:10.69\00:23:13.46
even look better than my father.
00:23:13.49\00:23:17.19
What about you?
00:23:17.23\00:23:18.73
I think that's a
very, very valid point
00:23:18.76\00:23:21.30
of modeling and showing exactly
what it should look like.
00:23:21.33\00:23:26.63
And, but in
different aspects, as you said,
00:23:26.67\00:23:28.70
there are some fathers
00:23:28.74\00:23:30.11
who just never
had the experience.
00:23:30.14\00:23:34.18
So they don't know
how to teach their son
00:23:34.21\00:23:35.78
or how to teach their
daughter what it is to expect.
00:23:35.81\00:23:38.68
That's why we
talked about earlier,
00:23:38.71\00:23:40.05
you know, asking God,
00:23:40.08\00:23:41.42
searching the
scriptures, searching,
00:23:41.45\00:23:44.55
meeting up on
different resources,
00:23:44.59\00:23:47.62
podcasts, sermons,
all these different things
00:23:47.66\00:23:50.73
just to learn more
on what it is to expect.
00:23:50.76\00:23:56.97
It's challenging
00:23:57.00\00:23:58.33
because everyone's
relationship is so different.
00:23:58.37\00:24:01.50
And you don't want your
child to have any heartache.
00:24:01.54\00:24:06.04
You don't want your
child to have any pain,
00:24:06.07\00:24:07.74
but they have to have heartache
and they have to have pain.
00:24:07.78\00:24:10.35
And it's a very
difficult balance
00:24:10.38\00:24:12.38
to try to figure out
00:24:12.41\00:24:13.75
how do I accept
this as the reality.
00:24:13.78\00:24:16.89
And when it
comes to young girls,
00:24:16.92\00:24:20.86
what to expect
from their father,
00:24:20.89\00:24:22.62
there's some
controversy against dating.
00:24:22.66\00:24:24.99
They think that
some woman has said
00:24:25.03\00:24:26.66
they don't want their fathers,
00:24:26.70\00:24:28.40
they don't want
their children's fathers
00:24:28.43\00:24:29.96
to date their daughters.
00:24:30.00\00:24:31.33
They don't want that
type of relationship.
00:24:31.37\00:24:32.97
And there's a
lot of controversy.
00:24:33.00\00:24:34.54
That's one of the things
00:24:34.57\00:24:35.90
of how should you
date your daughter?
00:24:35.94\00:24:39.54
What does that look like?
00:24:39.57\00:24:41.91
For me what it is, is
that we go out together.
00:24:41.94\00:24:46.98
We have where she wants,
00:24:47.02\00:24:48.42
she likes to go to Fire and Ice.
00:24:48.45\00:24:50.95
We go to Fire and Ice together.
00:24:50.99\00:24:52.95
And we talk, we talk about life,
00:24:52.99\00:24:54.89
we talk about different issues.
00:24:54.92\00:24:56.59
And we come back
home, we had a good time.
00:24:56.62\00:24:58.53
And do the same with my son.
00:24:58.56\00:25:00.50
This is spending time,
00:25:00.53\00:25:01.86
spending the
quality time together.
00:25:01.90\00:25:03.57
At night from,
00:25:03.60\00:25:04.93
since they were
babies I will be,
00:25:04.97\00:25:06.30
you know, we will
exchange her mom and I,
00:25:06.33\00:25:08.64
we'll go into the room,
00:25:08.67\00:25:10.01
we talk to the
one and then I leave,
00:25:10.04\00:25:11.94
my wife is talking to
the son and then we flip.
00:25:11.97\00:25:14.68
So it's different ways to do it.
00:25:14.71\00:25:17.38
Would I bring a
rose to my daughter?
00:25:17.41\00:25:18.78
Yeah, just for you,
to show her to give,
00:25:18.81\00:25:22.75
let her know that her dad values
00:25:22.78\00:25:25.65
where I've got, you know,
00:25:25.69\00:25:27.06
I love her, I care for her
and I do the same for my son.
00:25:27.09\00:25:30.33
So that's what
it looks like to me.
00:25:30.36\00:25:31.86
And I mean,
00:25:31.89\00:25:33.23
I read all of the
different thoughts on it.
00:25:33.26\00:25:36.40
But I still
think it is important
00:25:36.43\00:25:38.87
for that child to know
00:25:38.90\00:25:41.30
that her father
or his father values.
00:25:41.34\00:25:44.21
It is important.
00:25:44.24\00:25:45.57
It's fun too, you know, where,
00:25:45.61\00:25:48.64
you know, we're gearing
up but it's interesting.
00:25:48.68\00:25:51.58
My five year daughter,
she's leaving the school,
00:25:51.61\00:25:55.58
little daycare
00:25:55.62\00:25:56.95
and this little boy
comes to the fence, says,
00:25:56.99\00:25:59.25
"Andrea, Andrea,
where are you going?
00:25:59.29\00:26:01.12
Can I have a kiss?"
00:26:01.16\00:26:02.92
I turned around, I said,
"Boy, let me say you something.
00:26:02.96\00:26:06.23
You go and kiss
your mom and dad,"
00:26:06.26\00:26:08.63
like I'm saying,
00:26:08.66\00:26:10.00
"Lord, keep me,
Lord, keep me right now, "
00:26:10.03\00:26:11.37
because that boy is gonna
get the whipping right now.
00:26:11.40\00:26:14.10
But it's fun interacting
00:26:14.14\00:26:15.60
and having seen
your children grow.
00:26:15.64\00:26:17.61
And I think that's
key for any relationship.
00:26:17.64\00:26:21.44
Is there anything
else you wanted to add
00:26:21.48\00:26:22.81
in the last little bit we have?
00:26:22.84\00:26:24.28
I just want to, I
just want to add briefly
00:26:24.31\00:26:26.95
is that I think
it's very important
00:26:26.98\00:26:28.75
for fathers to
step up and take it more
00:26:28.78\00:26:31.65
even though your
life has been broken,
00:26:31.69\00:26:35.22
you can learn,
there's resources, learn.
00:26:35.26\00:26:38.59
Learn as much as you
can to fill those gaps
00:26:38.63\00:26:41.66
that you can pass
on something valuable
00:26:41.70\00:26:44.97
for your children, model,
00:26:45.00\00:26:46.80
model prayer, model
how to treat your wife,
00:26:46.84\00:26:50.51
make sure that
they've seen you hug and kiss
00:26:50.54\00:26:52.97
and loving on their mothers.
00:26:53.01\00:26:55.21
It's a great thing
00:26:55.24\00:26:56.58
my daughter will
come and will sit
00:26:56.61\00:26:57.95
inside in the
middle of us so that she...
00:26:57.98\00:27:00.05
And it's fun.
00:27:00.08\00:27:01.42
So you got to model
these things to them.
00:27:01.45\00:27:03.89
And further, I appreciate
everything you've done
00:27:03.92\00:27:06.32
and now we, unfortunately,
we're out of time,
00:27:06.35\00:27:09.26
so got to let the brethren
know out there, you guys,
00:27:09.29\00:27:12.13
you know, just remember
00:27:12.16\00:27:15.63
being a father is never easy
00:27:15.66\00:27:17.00
whether you've
had the model parents
00:27:17.03\00:27:18.80
or you've had no
father in your life.
00:27:18.83\00:27:21.80
But it's still no
excuse for you not to step up.
00:27:21.84\00:27:25.11
Nowadays there are so
many resources out there
00:27:25.14\00:27:27.18
available to
you, to educate you.
00:27:27.21\00:27:29.81
And guess what?
00:27:29.84\00:27:31.18
Even though I'm
married to my lovely wife,
00:27:31.21\00:27:33.15
and we have two wonderful kids,
00:27:33.18\00:27:34.78
I still don't
know what I'm doing.
00:27:34.82\00:27:36.99
And that's just the fact of it.
00:27:37.02\00:27:38.85
It's about growing
together with your children,
00:27:38.89\00:27:41.72
and having fun,
00:27:41.76\00:27:43.26
because these are memories
you will never get back.
00:27:43.29\00:27:46.36
So please be part
of your kid's life.
00:27:46.39\00:27:48.90
Stop making excuses.
00:27:48.93\00:27:50.63
And for you fathers
00:27:50.67\00:27:52.00
who have grown
women as daughters,
00:27:52.03\00:27:53.70
step up.
00:27:53.74\00:27:55.07
Stop it.
00:27:55.10\00:27:56.44
Thank you for watching.
00:27:56.47\00:27:57.81