A good father
takes time to play.
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He has strong integrity.
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He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
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He is not afraid
to show his love.
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He is a caring provider.
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And he is a kind
spiritual leader.
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These are just a few ways
to describe A Father's Heart.
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Hi, and welcome
to A Father's Heart.
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I am your host Xavier,
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and today we're
gonna be discussing
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how do your sons
treat their wives
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if you yourself never
had a father in your life.
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And at the same time,
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how did the wives
treat their husbands
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if your daughters never
had a father to show them.
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And with me to discuss that
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is going to be my friend Gordon
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and my lovely wife
Brittany Hill-Morales.
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How are you today? I'm
doing well, doing good.
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Awesome.
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So you know, one of the things
that I always think about is
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if your son and you,
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you know, have
this great relationship
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but you in
yourself never had a father
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to have that relationship with,
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how do you teach your
son how to treat his wife,
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and at the same time, if
you, you know, as my wife,
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if you never had a
father in your life to show you
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how to treat your
husband, how does that work?
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I think the first thing,
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I mean, for me is to
have that counseling,
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a premarital
counseling and hopefully
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you have a good pastor
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or a counselor that
teaches you these things
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that takes you
through the process
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so that when you were solid,
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then you can
pass on what you know
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because you really can't
share what you don't know.
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But it starts
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with that premarital counseling,
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and I think that's a
very important part of,
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you know, just being
able to get the tools
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that you need.
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There're so
many tools out there,
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there's so much stuff out there
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that you yourself can
go seek in as to how do I,
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you know, how do
I teach my child,
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how do I teach myself
how to be a better husband,
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how so that I can help my son
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and my daughter
find the right spouse.
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I'll tell you for us,
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well, I go via
biblical on this one,
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and this way is that for my
son for him to find a good wife,
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it's got to come to
your mother and father.
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We're looking for that.
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We are actively
looking for a spouse
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or for spouses for my children.
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And they know this from small.
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And we make no excuses
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that you are not
brining anyone here
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unless they're
part of the family,
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they mesh with the family.
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So we're involved, my
son said to me, "Well, Dad?
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Can I at least choose?" I
said, "Yeah, you can choose.
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Bring that individual,
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and then they will
get the stamp of approval.
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If they don't get
the stamp of approval,
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it's not gonna work."
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So that's just
some of the things
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that we do so that
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we can help them
navigate life and future.
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If you bring somebody in
the family and they're not,
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you know, they don't mesh nicely
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with the family,
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it could create
a lot of problem,
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lot of tension.
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So that's one of the
things that we want to do,
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we're trying to
do with our children.
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I don't know if you
have something to add.
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I do in regards
to how do you teach,
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the fathers
teaching their daughters
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what they should expect.
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I think the first
thing that needs to happen is
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you have to ask God.
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If you are a spiritual
father, spiritual leader,
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even as a mother,
you have to go to God
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and talk to Him personally,
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and when I say
ask God, I am saying,
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search in the
scriptures 'cause that is good,
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but we have a thing
where we don't talk to God.
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We do every other thing
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but we don't
actually sit down and say,
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"Lord, this is
what's going on in my heart.
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This is the issue."
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And actually pray
and listen back to hear
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what God has to say to have
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that personal
relationship with Him.
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So that's the
first thing to ask God.
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And in that,
when you're asking God
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with the presence
of your daughter there,
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you're teaching
her three things.
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First thing is,
you're teaching her
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how to pray for her spouse.
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And that's something
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that doesn't
just naturally come,
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they have to
experience and learn that,
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how do you pray for your spouse.
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The next thing,
you're teaching them
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how to pray with a
man, with a person.
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There are so much dirty
things going on in this world
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that people are
abusing the power
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and the beauty of prayer.
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That as a father
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when you are talking
to your child and both
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of you are going to
God about this relationship
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that hasn't happened yet,
or even though it has happened,
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you are teaching her,
okay, this is what prayer,
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one of the
principles to look like.
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And the third thing,
you're also teaching her
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what does it mean
to have someone else
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to pray over me.
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Because again, in
case of spiritual abuse,
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there're some men
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that when they're praying
over their wife, they say,
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"Lord, help her to
learn how to submit to me."
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"The Lord, help her
learn how to cook better."
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Well, you know, those are things
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that could work.
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But she, from that experience,
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she may not have had a
father to teach you that
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but as the father,
you can be able to say,
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"Okay, this is the three things
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that I'm trying to
show you by us praying."
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Using prayer, asking God
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as that separate thing to
be like, this is important.
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Teach her that God is important.
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For God to be the
center of their relationship,
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you have to show
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that from the beginning
as having God as the center
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of your relationship as
a father and a daughter,
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father and a son too.
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I think that is important.
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I agree with Brittany
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that prayer is an important key.
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If you are not modeling,
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we talked about this previously,
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if you as a
father not modeling that,
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that child wouldn't
know how to model a prayer,
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and yes, being able to pray
for a spouse for your child,
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and have your child,
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your son or your daughter
see and hear you pray it
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because it's one thing to
be on your knees just praying,
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but they need to
hear the prayers,
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they need to hear
the prayers and devotion,
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they need to hear it throughout,
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you know, their life
growing up and they know,
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"My dad and my mom,
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they're praying for
me to have this spouse.
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So in other words,
they're praying for my success
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in life for my future spouse."
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You know, I appreciate that
in something you said earlier.
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I appreciate your
involvement with your son
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because you know, I went
through different relationships
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that I could have avoided,
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you know, because your parents
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don't want to be overbearing
because you are an adult.
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But at the same time,
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they don't know how to approach.
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And I think it's key to have
that balance with your child
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to know that,
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"Hey, I'm not gonna control you.
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But I am going to be involved.
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Not because you don't know
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but because I've
been here longer.
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So I have an understanding,
and I want the best for you."
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And I think as the father,
you know, when my parents got,
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you know, when I got the stamp
of approval with my wife now,
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it meant the world
to me because you know,
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they've been
married for 40 years.
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And to get the
stamp of approval,
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which I never had
before, it just meant the world
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because I know
it's coming from people
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that have been
there to understand that
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and knowing
which one's the best.
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You know, but let's throw
on the flipside, as ministers,
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what or as counselors,
however you want to call it,
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how do you deal with a child,
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somebody adult
that's coming to you,
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I don't know your backgrounds
as far as if you know,
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your dad's
involvement in your life,
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how do you deal
with, let's say my wife,
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how do you deal with a
woman that's coming to you
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who hasn't had a
father in her life
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and she wants to know
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how do I even know
if I have the right guy,
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how do I treat my husband.
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I don't know, my
father was never there.
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I don't know what
to do, and I'm praying,
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I'm doing what I can,
but I just don't know.
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Go ahead. Go ahead.
Okay, I'll go head first.
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Well, the first step is the fact
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that she came and
she said something,
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and being able to admit
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that you don't know is
an important first step.
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That's one thing, as
you said as counselors,
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is that challenging
area when we have clients
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and patients is them
not being able to admit
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that there's a problem and
you are seeing the problem.
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So that's a beautiful,
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green flat great,
green light great.
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But how should she
approach it is again,
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you know, asking
God, speaking to God,
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and having that relationship
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if she's a person
of the Christian faith.
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Seeking the scriptures,
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the different sort of
advice I would probably give
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is based on the different levels
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of research,
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I will probably reference
a few different resources
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because marriage professionals,
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marriage or family
fare professionals,
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they have done so much research
that's gone for over 100 years,
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over 100 years,
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on the different
keys to a relationship
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and helping it to be successful.
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So like, don't be afraid
to go into this to listen.
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The new things that
I am learning everyday
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that's helping our relationship,
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there are new things
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that are just
developing and one thing
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I would most
likely tell her is this.
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You have to accept
the reality of sin.
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You cannot ignore
that sin is a factor
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in each and
every one of our lives
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including herself and
including in her spouse
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or her significant other
person that she is working with.
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We hear all these list of
great qualities in a person.
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They should be
this, they should be that,
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they should be
this, they should be that.
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But that may not be
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where your significant other is.
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And you have to
accept the reality
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that sin has marred
our nature and the ability
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that we should have and yes,
you should want certain things,
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but you have to accept
that he's not going to be there
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or it might take a few years,
and also you have to accept
00:10:07.87\00:10:10.14
that you have to work
together in that journey.
00:10:10.17\00:10:14.64
As a pastor and a
family life educator,
00:10:14.68\00:10:16.98
one of the things that I
do is to help people to go
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the scriptures for references,
00:10:20.65\00:10:22.38
and not only
that, look at Titus,
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what is the role
of the older woman
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in the church.
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The older woman is to
teach the younger woman.
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And so I connect
them with a strong couple
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that has been through,
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and I do this
on a regular basis.
00:10:38.57\00:10:40.77
So I will connect
the younger couples
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with older couples so
that they can help them.
00:10:42.77\00:10:44.77
Or a younger person that
is looking to get married
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or if their
marriage are in trouble,
00:10:48.68\00:10:50.58
connect them
with an older couple
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that they can help
them, they can talk with them,
00:10:52.51\00:10:54.42
they can mentor them.
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It is one of the pivotal things
I believe that we need to do
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and keep doing to help our
young ladies and young men,
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help them find the right spouse,
00:11:06.19\00:11:08.66
help them develop strong,
00:11:08.70\00:11:10.83
healthy relationships is
by being able to put them
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alongside a couple.
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I believe that
the Bible has given us
00:11:16.77\00:11:18.67
some strong counsel on this
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is that the older
should teach the younger.
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And I think why
we're so messed up
00:11:24.91\00:11:26.88
is because we've missed that.
00:11:26.92\00:11:28.62
You see, I agree with that
and that's one of the things
00:11:28.65\00:11:31.29
that I wanted to talk
about a little more is we've,
00:11:31.32\00:11:36.09
I have my dad model his
life, you know, around my mom.
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I would watch them interact
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and you know, in a society
in Puerto Rico, socially,
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you grow up in a
patriarchal setting
00:11:46.33\00:11:48.47
where the wife does
everything, cooking, cleaning,
00:11:48.50\00:11:52.47
and but my mom and
dad were not about that.
00:11:52.51\00:11:55.84
My mom said you need to be able
00:11:55.88\00:11:57.65
because what if
your wife gets sick.
00:11:57.68\00:11:59.38
You got to be able to cook.
You know, what if she is tired?
00:11:59.41\00:12:02.98
She shouldn't be
able to do everything.
00:12:03.02\00:12:04.55
My dad would say,
00:12:04.59\00:12:05.92
"Boy, but get in that kitchen
and start cleaning and cooking.
00:12:05.95\00:12:08.92
You know, get my bug
00:12:08.96\00:12:10.29
and I'll show
you what a man does."
00:12:10.33\00:12:11.66
And I am like, "Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I'll go. I'll go."
00:12:11.69\00:12:13.56
You know, I had to
learn both spectrums of,
00:12:13.60\00:12:16.97
but looking at
their relationship
00:12:17.00\00:12:18.33
and how they communicated
00:12:18.37\00:12:19.70
and how they grew
together, they went through,
00:12:19.73\00:12:21.74
it was a period in
time where they were going
00:12:21.77\00:12:23.10
to get divorced.
00:12:23.14\00:12:24.64
But something that
they engrained in me
00:12:24.67\00:12:27.38
that I never understood
until now was that what saved
00:12:27.41\00:12:31.01
their marriage aside from prayer
00:12:31.05\00:12:32.95
was the friendship
00:12:32.98\00:12:34.38
that they had at the
beginning as friends,
00:12:34.42\00:12:36.55
before they got married,
they were a long time friends.
00:12:36.58\00:12:38.99
And I had the benefit of
having that modeling in my life
00:12:39.02\00:12:43.09
even though I chose
to go on different route.
00:12:43.12\00:12:46.43
I took the scenic route
to get to the right place.
00:12:46.46\00:12:49.36
What about you?
00:12:49.40\00:12:50.73
Did you have that modeling
from your father in your life?
00:12:50.77\00:12:54.40
I had the modeling
from my father in my life.
00:12:54.44\00:12:57.31
So it was easy for me.
00:12:57.34\00:12:59.21
But along the line, I've seen
00:12:59.24\00:13:02.34
the side effects
of not having it.
00:13:02.38\00:13:05.08
For example, I just get to share
00:13:05.11\00:13:06.45
two quick stories with you guys.
00:13:06.48\00:13:08.58
My sister, when she got married,
00:13:08.62\00:13:11.15
I could remember as yesterday.
00:13:11.19\00:13:13.42
My dad and my mom saying
00:13:13.46\00:13:14.92
this in the
right person for you,
00:13:14.96\00:13:17.69
trying to help her,
00:13:17.73\00:13:19.06
but she decided, "You know what?
00:13:19.09\00:13:21.30
Get him for me
because he pleased me well."
00:13:21.33\00:13:24.50
And marriage did not work.
Things did not end up well.
00:13:24.53\00:13:30.01
So even though you
may model something
00:13:30.04\00:13:33.27
for your child,
00:13:33.31\00:13:34.64
that child sometimes
chooses their own route in life
00:13:34.68\00:13:38.55
and it ends up
sometimes not the best.
00:13:38.58\00:13:42.42
So in my life, my father
and my mother been married
00:13:42.45\00:13:45.85
all their lives until
my father passed away,
00:13:45.89\00:13:49.22
there the marriage was
a commuter relationship,
00:13:49.26\00:13:51.29
commuter marriage
'cause my father worked away,
00:13:51.33\00:13:53.63
and then, you know, he
will come home on weekend
00:13:53.66\00:13:55.63
but when he was home, he
was present, he was there,
00:13:55.66\00:13:59.13
he was not a father
00:13:59.17\00:14:00.50
that was not
there when he was there.
00:14:00.54\00:14:02.64
So the model I saw how he drew,
00:14:02.67\00:14:04.81
I have never seen my
mother and my father argue once,
00:14:04.84\00:14:09.98
never in all the
years of my life.
00:14:10.01\00:14:12.88
So and same thing.
00:14:12.91\00:14:15.08
I try not to have
arguments with my wife.
00:14:15.12\00:14:17.42
I mean, we don't
have any arguments.
00:14:17.45\00:14:19.65
Well, it's just
amazing before we had arguments
00:14:19.69\00:14:22.92
because on the flipside my
wife did not have that modeling
00:14:22.96\00:14:28.26
as a father and her
mother was her friend.
00:14:28.30\00:14:33.10
It was a chaotic.
00:14:33.13\00:14:35.90
You know, it ended up
not nice, chaotic results.
00:14:35.94\00:14:39.71
So modeling is important.
00:14:39.74\00:14:43.04
And so right now,
00:14:43.08\00:14:44.41
the balance that we
have to have in our home
00:14:44.45\00:14:48.22
because of her
spectrum and my spectrum
00:14:48.25\00:14:50.69
is that we merge
these two things together
00:14:50.72\00:14:52.55
and they end up
beautiful because she knows
00:14:52.59\00:14:54.82
that I don't want to be
a friend to my children.
00:14:54.86\00:14:57.26
I'm their mother,
00:14:57.29\00:14:58.63
so I'm gonna carry on that role.
00:14:58.66\00:15:01.00
And what she had
to do is that she went
00:15:01.03\00:15:03.13
through counseling for years
00:15:03.16\00:15:06.07
to correct some
of our ideologies,
00:15:06.10\00:15:10.21
the brokenness
that she experienced.
00:15:10.24\00:15:14.31
And I was there as the husband
to stand with her and help her
00:15:14.34\00:15:20.22
through her process.
00:15:20.25\00:15:21.65
I didn't get in the
process. I just stand with her.
00:15:21.68\00:15:24.02
So on both sides,
I've seen and experienced,
00:15:24.05\00:15:27.79
you know, what it means
to have a father in your life
00:15:27.82\00:15:31.39
even though he
wasn't seven days a week
00:15:31.43\00:15:35.76
but when he was there,
he was in the relationship.
00:15:35.80\00:15:38.77
And so my choice
was a little different
00:15:38.80\00:15:42.20
than my wife on the flip side.
00:15:42.24\00:15:44.44
She didn't have the same.
00:15:44.47\00:15:47.91
What about you?
00:15:47.94\00:15:49.41
I'm just thinking about you
00:15:49.44\00:15:50.98
saying the
importance of counseling
00:15:51.01\00:15:52.55
and having that moment
to correct wrong ideologies,
00:15:52.58\00:15:57.55
and I also hear
there was a process in it.
00:15:57.59\00:16:01.16
It's not something
that happened overnight
00:16:01.19\00:16:03.39
and that's one thing
00:16:03.43\00:16:05.53
as parents to train
your child to realize
00:16:05.56\00:16:09.76
things don't happen overnight.
00:16:09.80\00:16:12.57
It's a process, it's a journey.
00:16:12.60\00:16:14.57
And you have to figure
out if you're willing to deal
00:16:14.60\00:16:17.34
with these certain
elements in the journey.
00:16:17.37\00:16:20.01
And it's difficult
skill to accept for yourself
00:16:20.04\00:16:23.75
and then to teach your child.
00:16:23.78\00:16:25.55
This is the
reality of life, honey.
00:16:25.58\00:16:27.52
He may not be perfect.
00:16:27.55\00:16:29.52
He may have his own background,
his own understanding,
00:16:29.55\00:16:33.05
his own thing, but you
have to work through it.
00:16:33.09\00:16:35.86
And I think one
important element
00:16:35.89\00:16:37.96
as parents is you
have to accept that.
00:16:37.99\00:16:43.63
So when your
child comes and says,
00:16:43.67\00:16:45.73
"Well, so and so
has this ideology."
00:16:45.77\00:16:47.64
"Oh, I know you should
have never married that."
00:16:47.67\00:16:49.37
You cannot act like that.
Right, right, right, right.
00:16:49.40\00:16:51.84
You have to accept that reality
00:16:51.87\00:16:53.34
and be supportive and realize
that it's no longer your baby.
00:16:53.38\00:16:59.01
This is a grown
married adult now.
00:16:59.05\00:17:02.55
And the information, the wisdom,
00:17:02.58\00:17:04.12
the guidance that you give,
00:17:04.15\00:17:05.49
you have to give
from that perspective of,
00:17:05.52\00:17:07.12
"Yes, in my heart,
you're still my little baby.
00:17:07.16\00:17:09.26
My little..."
00:17:09.29\00:17:10.63
But that's not
what's happening right now.
00:17:10.66\00:17:12.56
They're an adult
00:17:12.59\00:17:13.93
and you have to
allow them to figure out
00:17:13.96\00:17:16.73
what is their cup of tea
00:17:16.77\00:17:18.37
because you might
look at your friends first
00:17:18.40\00:17:21.47
and you'd be like,
"Oh that should be..."
00:17:21.50\00:17:22.84
No, that's not their cup of tea,
00:17:22.87\00:17:24.21
that's not their cup to bear,
00:17:24.24\00:17:25.57
that's not what they
should be in their relationship.
00:17:25.61\00:17:26.94
We have to let them
figure it out for themselves,
00:17:26.98\00:17:28.98
and be that support as
their parent to figure out
00:17:29.01\00:17:32.15
what exactly is it
that they need to have
00:17:32.18\00:17:34.65
in their relationship
00:17:34.68\00:17:36.25
and allow them to
struggle a little bit.
00:17:36.28\00:17:38.42
As parents, we don't
want our kids to struggle.
00:17:38.45\00:17:39.79
We want to get it perfectly.
00:17:39.82\00:17:41.16
We want to have a great spouse,
00:17:41.19\00:17:42.52
going to marry that
person to the day you die.
00:17:42.56\00:17:45.73
But they may have someone
who are always on the path
00:17:45.76\00:17:47.46
and you have to
learn how to encourage
00:17:47.50\00:17:48.83
and support and to lift up.
00:17:48.86\00:17:50.73
I don't plan to
be in my children
00:17:50.77\00:17:52.27
and I agree with you.
00:17:52.30\00:17:53.64
I don't plan to be
in my children's life,
00:17:53.67\00:17:56.60
you know, navigate in
every step of the way.
00:17:56.64\00:17:59.34
They're going to have to learn.
00:17:59.37\00:18:00.71
They're gonna
have to get some...
00:18:00.74\00:18:02.08
But I do say this
00:18:02.11\00:18:03.45
and I'm very
straight with this point.
00:18:03.48\00:18:06.65
If we don't agree
with it, I'm not in it.
00:18:06.68\00:18:12.55
If we agree with the marriage
00:18:12.59\00:18:13.92
and we agree with
who we are signing off,
00:18:13.96\00:18:15.86
we get our blessings,
when you need us we're there,
00:18:15.89\00:18:18.99
but we're not there to
navigate your life all the way.
00:18:19.03\00:18:21.60
And I'm just very,
very plain with that.
00:18:21.63\00:18:24.17
I believe that parents,
we're gonna always be parents.
00:18:24.20\00:18:27.17
We'll never stop being
a parent to our children.
00:18:27.20\00:18:29.60
But we need to
give them the space
00:18:29.64\00:18:31.54
in their marriage to grow
00:18:31.57\00:18:32.91
and you know, to
experience the bumps.
00:18:32.94\00:18:35.31
But you cannot allow
them, you can't, I mean,
00:18:35.34\00:18:38.88
have them go through that
if you yourself on that hole.
00:18:38.91\00:18:43.52
And a lot of
problems we have is that
00:18:43.55\00:18:45.15
we are broken and as parents,
00:18:45.19\00:18:47.39
we're not coming with the grips,
00:18:47.42\00:18:49.12
we're not
willing to come to grips
00:18:49.16\00:18:50.49
with our brokenness.
00:18:50.53\00:18:52.23
And so we have a broken parent
00:18:52.26\00:18:55.23
trying to
parent broken children.
00:18:55.26\00:18:58.40
So the whole system is
broken. So only God can help us.
00:18:58.43\00:19:02.20
And so we've got to come back
00:19:02.24\00:19:03.81
to what we are
just talking prayer
00:19:03.84\00:19:05.47
and put them in the hands of God
00:19:05.51\00:19:07.58
and putting
ourselves in hands of God,
00:19:07.61\00:19:09.21
and being open and plain
and honest with ourselves.
00:19:09.24\00:19:12.71
And I think that's critical,
00:19:12.75\00:19:14.08
you know, when I see so
many different spectrums,
00:19:14.12\00:19:16.75
you know, you
have mentored young men
00:19:16.79\00:19:20.16
that don't have a father,
00:19:20.19\00:19:22.26
and they don't
know what to do next.
00:19:22.29\00:19:23.86
I've also talked to women
00:19:23.89\00:19:25.66
whose fathers
weren't in their lives
00:19:25.69\00:19:28.06
and they just,
you know, you can see
00:19:28.10\00:19:29.63
that they want to do better,
but they just don't know how.
00:19:29.66\00:19:33.23
And I think it's
important for all of us
00:19:33.27\00:19:34.94
that have any type of experience
00:19:34.97\00:19:39.17
whatever the case may be,
00:19:39.21\00:19:40.84
to have that understanding that,
00:19:40.88\00:19:42.21
you know, it's critical,
and I know for my girls,
00:19:42.24\00:19:45.08
for our daughters,
00:19:45.11\00:19:48.55
you know, I'm very
much against the notion
00:19:48.58\00:19:52.22
that they're
going to get married
00:19:52.25\00:19:53.59
when they, I'm not gonna lie.
00:19:53.62\00:19:55.36
I know what you mean.
00:19:55.39\00:19:56.73
I say to them,
00:19:56.76\00:19:58.09
you know, you're
going to get married
00:19:58.13\00:19:59.46
to the prince of peace one day.
00:19:59.49\00:20:00.83
Or you got to do is
wait till he comes back.
00:20:00.86\00:20:02.30
That's the bedtime
story. I'm with you there.
00:20:02.33\00:20:05.33
You know, I'm like,
00:20:05.37\00:20:06.70
that's just the notion
of my daughters growing up,
00:20:06.74\00:20:09.27
the notion of
them falling in love
00:20:09.30\00:20:11.91
and having a
boyfriend and getting married.
00:20:11.94\00:20:14.38
That just, it
bothers me. It bothers me.
00:20:14.41\00:20:17.95
But it's reality.
00:20:17.98\00:20:19.38
And one of the
things that I've done
00:20:19.41\00:20:20.75
is just to really be involved
00:20:20.78\00:20:22.28
and become a better
father, become a better man,
00:20:22.32\00:20:26.32
so they know that how a
man is supposed to treat them,
00:20:26.35\00:20:30.69
and I think that's so critical,
00:20:30.73\00:20:32.06
you know, there are
so many dads out there
00:20:32.09\00:20:33.43
that are not
involved, and even then, when...
00:20:33.46\00:20:38.13
I have relatives
00:20:38.17\00:20:39.50
whose dad is not in their lives.
00:20:39.53\00:20:40.87
You know, they're women.
00:20:40.90\00:20:42.24
They're grown women.
00:20:42.27\00:20:43.61
And there may be times
00:20:43.64\00:20:44.97
that even though they're adults,
00:20:45.01\00:20:46.34
they want to call, "Dad.
00:20:46.37\00:20:47.71
Dad.
00:20:47.74\00:20:49.08
Hey, I have a question for you."
00:20:49.11\00:20:50.45
You know, just ideas,
00:20:50.48\00:20:51.81
just, you know,
bouncing back ideas
00:20:51.85\00:20:53.31
from your father.
00:20:53.35\00:20:54.78
And I'm just, it frustrates
me to the oddest extent
00:20:54.82\00:20:59.25
when I see women,
grown women who tell me,
00:20:59.29\00:21:02.82
"My father is not..."
00:21:02.86\00:21:04.19
What is wrong with you man?
00:21:04.23\00:21:07.06
Like you're big
enough to procreate.
00:21:07.10\00:21:10.30
Be big enough to be
in your daughter's life.
00:21:10.33\00:21:13.30
She's innocent. But
she didn't do anything.
00:21:13.34\00:21:14.87
She didn't ask to be here.
God blessed her to be here.
00:21:14.90\00:21:18.51
It is your job to step up.
00:21:18.54\00:21:20.68
I don't care what the excuse is.
00:21:20.71\00:21:22.44
Do you know what
you're doing? None of us do.
00:21:22.48\00:21:24.78
But it's not a matter of knowing
00:21:24.81\00:21:26.15
what we were doing.
00:21:26.18\00:21:27.52
It is a matter of
knowing who to go to,
00:21:27.55\00:21:28.88
who knows what he's
doing, and that's Jesus Christ.
00:21:28.92\00:21:31.72
And I think that's important,
00:21:31.75\00:21:33.09
you know, and just
really equipping our members
00:21:33.12\00:21:36.52
because we're going
00:21:36.56\00:21:37.89
to have church
members like that.
00:21:37.93\00:21:39.26
And have you had any experience
with church members like that?
00:21:39.29\00:21:41.80
You know, I've had
many experiences like that.
00:21:41.83\00:21:45.13
I can recall one.
00:21:45.17\00:21:47.54
And I would tell
the father, "Listen.
00:21:47.57\00:21:49.70
This is your baby girl.
00:21:49.74\00:21:52.31
And you need to
date your baby girl
00:21:52.34\00:21:54.38
so that she can see how
a man need to treat her.
00:21:54.41\00:21:57.71
Bring her a rose one day."
00:21:57.75\00:21:59.75
And so I'm trying to correct
00:21:59.78\00:22:02.65
some things in
his life to help him
00:22:02.68\00:22:05.15
be a better parent to his child.
00:22:05.19\00:22:07.09
The brokenness, the
pain in the daughter's eyes.
00:22:07.12\00:22:10.86
I remember she was just crying.
00:22:10.89\00:22:13.76
Why because that
bond wasn't there.
00:22:13.80\00:22:18.20
My daughter Jasmine,
00:22:18.23\00:22:20.37
she is the light
of my life, you know?
00:22:20.40\00:22:23.84
And I'm watching her 17,
00:22:23.87\00:22:26.54
going on 18, and I'm
saying, "You know what?
00:22:26.57\00:22:30.95
This is not a good times.
00:22:30.98\00:22:34.28
Because I know that
you're going to have
00:22:34.32\00:22:36.72
to leave home one day."
00:22:36.75\00:22:38.45
But I'm going to make
sure that when you leave home,
00:22:38.49\00:22:41.92
you have all the tools
00:22:41.96\00:22:43.79
that when we'll help you choose,
00:22:43.83\00:22:46.26
that will be the right person
00:22:46.29\00:22:47.73
because her dad
bring her a rose,
00:22:47.76\00:22:50.43
her dad snap chats with her.
00:22:50.47\00:22:52.40
We would snap
chat and I don't know
00:22:52.43\00:22:53.87
what I'm doing but I'm doing it.
00:22:53.90\00:22:56.17
You know, we're doing,
00:22:56.20\00:22:57.54
I'll call this
because this is what
00:22:57.57\00:22:58.91
they are doing.
00:22:58.94\00:23:00.28
So that is there with you.
00:23:00.31\00:23:02.88
So she knows
that that I am there.
00:23:02.91\00:23:04.41
And I think that
is so important for us
00:23:04.45\00:23:06.38
to let our, you know,
let our daughters that,
00:23:06.41\00:23:09.52
"Listen, when I find a man,
00:23:09.55\00:23:12.25
that man's got to be
better than my father.
00:23:12.29\00:23:15.16
Treat me better than my father."
00:23:15.19\00:23:17.03
I agree.
00:23:17.06\00:23:18.39
"Even look
better than my father."
00:23:18.43\00:23:21.76
What about you?
00:23:21.80\00:23:23.40
I think that's a very,
very valid point of modeling
00:23:23.43\00:23:27.30
and showing exactly
what they should look like.
00:23:27.34\00:23:31.27
And but in
different specs, as you said,
00:23:31.31\00:23:33.34
there are some fathers
00:23:33.38\00:23:34.74
who just never
had the experience.
00:23:34.78\00:23:38.75
So they don't know
how to teach their son
00:23:38.78\00:23:40.35
or how to teach their
daughter, what it is to expect,
00:23:40.38\00:23:43.25
that's how we're
talked about earlier.
00:23:43.28\00:23:44.62
You know, asking God,
searching the scriptures,
00:23:44.65\00:23:46.92
searching, reading up
00:23:46.96\00:23:49.89
on different
resources, podcasts, sermons,
00:23:49.92\00:23:53.83
all these different things
00:23:53.86\00:23:55.33
just to learn more
on what it is to expect.
00:23:55.36\00:24:01.60
It's challenging
00:24:01.64\00:24:02.97
because every bond relationship
00:24:03.00\00:24:04.34
is so different.
00:24:04.37\00:24:06.21
And you don't want your
child to have any heartache.
00:24:06.24\00:24:10.65
You don't want your
child have any pain.
00:24:10.68\00:24:12.21
But they have to have heartache,
00:24:12.25\00:24:13.58
and they have to have pain.
00:24:13.62\00:24:15.02
And it's a very
difficult balance
00:24:15.05\00:24:17.02
to try to figure out
00:24:17.05\00:24:18.39
how do I accept
this as the reality.
00:24:18.42\00:24:21.59
And when it
comes to young girls,
00:24:21.62\00:24:25.49
what to expect
from their father.
00:24:25.53\00:24:27.16
There's some
controversy against dating.
00:24:27.20\00:24:29.53
They think that
some women have said
00:24:29.56\00:24:31.13
they don't want their fathers.
00:24:31.17\00:24:33.07
They want their
children's fathers
00:24:33.10\00:24:34.54
to date their daughters.
00:24:34.57\00:24:35.97
They don't want that
type of relationship.
00:24:36.00\00:24:37.54
And there's that
a lot of controversy
00:24:37.57\00:24:39.11
and that's one of things
00:24:39.14\00:24:40.48
of how should you
date your daughter.
00:24:40.51\00:24:44.21
What does that look like?
00:24:44.25\00:24:46.41
For me, look, what it is
is that we go out together.
00:24:46.45\00:24:51.69
We have what she wants.
00:24:51.72\00:24:53.22
She likes to go to Fire and Ice,
00:24:53.25\00:24:55.52
we go to Fire and Ice together.
00:24:55.56\00:24:57.59
And we talk.
00:24:57.63\00:24:58.96
We talk about life, we
talk about different issues.
00:24:58.99\00:25:01.20
And we come back
home, we have to go up,
00:25:01.23\00:25:03.03
and do the same with my son.
00:25:03.06\00:25:05.20
This is spending time,
00:25:05.23\00:25:06.57
spending the
quality time together.
00:25:06.60\00:25:08.54
Night from since
they were babies,
00:25:08.57\00:25:10.11
I would be, you
know, we would exchange,
00:25:10.14\00:25:12.24
her mom and I.
00:25:12.27\00:25:13.61
We would go in the
room, we would talk to the one
00:25:13.64\00:25:15.58
and then I leave while my
wife is talking to the son,
00:25:15.61\00:25:18.08
and then we'll flip.
00:25:18.11\00:25:19.45
So it's different ways to do it.
00:25:19.48\00:25:22.02
When I bring a
rose to my daughter,
00:25:22.05\00:25:23.45
you know, just for
you, to assure, to give,
00:25:23.49\00:25:27.46
let her know
that her dad values.
00:25:27.49\00:25:30.33
I've got, you know, I
love her, I care for her,
00:25:30.36\00:25:33.29
and I do the same for my son.
00:25:33.33\00:25:34.90
So that's what
it looks like to me.
00:25:34.93\00:25:36.77
I've read
00:25:36.80\00:25:38.13
all of the
different thoughts on it
00:25:38.17\00:25:41.04
but I still think it
is important for the child
00:25:41.07\00:25:44.57
to know that her
father or his father values.
00:25:44.61\00:25:49.21
And it's
important, it's for and to.
00:25:49.24\00:25:50.71
You know, we're gearing
up but it's interesting.
00:25:50.75\00:25:56.22
My five year old daughter,
she was leaving the school,
00:25:56.25\00:26:00.22
little daycare, and
this little boy comes
00:26:00.26\00:26:02.72
to the fence and
says, "Andrea, Andrea.
00:26:02.76\00:26:05.19
Where are you
going? Can I have a kiss?"
00:26:05.23\00:26:07.50
I turned around, I said,
"Boy. Let me tell you something.
00:26:07.53\00:26:10.90
You go and kiss your mom
and dad that's what I said,
00:26:10.93\00:26:14.30
Lord, keep me,
Lord, keep me right now.
00:26:14.34\00:26:18.61
Lord, keep me right now,
boy. But it's fun interacting
00:26:18.64\00:26:20.18
and having seen
your children grow.
00:26:20.21\00:26:22.18
And I think that's
key for any relationship.
00:26:22.21\00:26:26.08
Is there anything
else you want to add
00:26:26.11\00:26:27.45
in the last little bit we have?
00:26:27.48\00:26:28.98
I just want to
add briefly is that
00:26:29.02\00:26:32.05
I think it's very
important for fathers
00:26:32.09\00:26:33.89
to step up and take a more,
00:26:33.92\00:26:36.32
even though your life has
been broken, you can learn,
00:26:36.36\00:26:40.90
there's resources, learn.
00:26:40.93\00:26:43.26
Learn as much as you can
00:26:43.30\00:26:44.97
to fill those gaps that
you can pass on something
00:26:45.00\00:26:48.77
valuable to your children.
00:26:48.80\00:26:50.34
Model, model prayer,
model how to treat your wives,
00:26:50.37\00:26:55.18
make sure that they're
seeing the hug and kiss
00:26:55.21\00:26:57.68
and loving their mothers.
00:26:57.71\00:26:59.75
It's a great thing.
00:26:59.78\00:27:01.12
My daughter will come
00:27:01.15\00:27:02.48
and she'll sit
in the middle of us
00:27:02.52\00:27:04.15
so that she, and it's fun.
00:27:04.19\00:27:05.65
So you got to model
these things to them.
00:27:05.69\00:27:08.56
And for the...
00:27:08.59\00:27:09.92
I appreciate
everything you've done
00:27:09.96\00:27:11.29
and now unfortunately,
we're out of time.
00:27:11.33\00:27:13.93
So got to let the
brother know out there,
00:27:13.96\00:27:16.20
you guys, you know.
00:27:16.23\00:27:19.20
Just remember, being
a father is never easy
00:27:19.23\00:27:21.54
whether you've
had the model parents
00:27:21.57\00:27:23.51
or you've had no
father in your life.
00:27:23.54\00:27:26.34
But it's still no
excuse for you not to step up.
00:27:26.37\00:27:29.78
Nowadays they're
so many resources
00:27:29.81\00:27:31.48
out there available to you
00:27:31.51\00:27:33.25
to educate you and guess what?
00:27:33.28\00:27:35.45
Even though I'm
married to my lovely wife
00:27:35.48\00:27:37.89
and we have two wonderful kids,
00:27:37.92\00:27:39.52
I still don't
know what I'm doing.
00:27:39.55\00:27:41.66
And that's just the fact of it.
00:27:41.69\00:27:43.46
It is about growing
together with your children
00:27:43.49\00:27:46.39
and having fun
00:27:46.43\00:27:47.86
because these are memories
you will never get back.
00:27:47.90\00:27:51.07
So please be part
of your kids' lives.
00:27:51.10\00:27:53.54
Stop making excuses.
00:27:53.57\00:27:55.27
And for you fathers
00:27:55.30\00:27:56.64
who have grown
women as daughters,
00:27:56.67\00:27:58.44
step up, stop it.
00:27:58.47\00:28:00.54
Thank you for watching.
00:28:00.58\00:28:02.04