A good father
takes time to play.
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He has strong integrity.
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He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
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He is not afraid
to show his love.
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He is a caring provider.
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And he's a kind
spiritual leader.
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These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
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Hi, welcome to A Father's Heart.
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I'm your host Xavier.
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And today, we're
going to be discussing
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how do restore deadbeat fathers?
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What does it even look like?
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Who is that and
how is it defined?
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And with me to talk about that
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are my two good
friends Paul and Denry?
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How are you guys today?
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Hey, great. Great
to be here again, man.
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Awesome. Can't complain.
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So deadbeat fathers,
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what is that even,
how does that define in?
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How do you restore
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something that
sounds so negative?
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I think it's
good that you asked,
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let's define it first.
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Because there's so
much interpretations
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of what a deadbeat father
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as the world view
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mostly is the person
that's not financing a child
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or necessarily not there.
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But a deadbeat father
can be there physically,
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but just still
absent in the child's life.
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So basically, my interpretation
of what a deadbeat father is,
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you're not involved,
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actively involved in the growth
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and the
development of your child,
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whether emotional, physical,
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just your idea, you don't
care, there's no communication,
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just like you
can't talk to the dead,
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you can't talk to your father,
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you know, that's
my interpretation.
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I think that's a
great definition.
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My years
working with the courts,
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we actually made a great
effort to not use the term.
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So in my communication
with the friend of the court,
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and handling, being
involved in custody,
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you know, cases
and this kind of stuff.
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It was, the
labeling was a problem,
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because there are many fathers
who are placed under the label
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that are not really
guilty of the definition.
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So, for example,
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as it pertains to child payment.
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I'm sorry, I forgot the term.
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But basically, um, yeah,
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when you owe
money for child support,
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and you could owe money,
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you could owe money
for child support for,
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you know, more than one reason,
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it's not always
a direct neglect.
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And there are fathers
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who are making
a conscious effort
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to meet that need
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and handle
arrears and old payments
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and so on and so forth.
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And they are involved
in their children's lives
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this financial, you
know, glitch or setback.
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So and they are not
fairly receiving that label.
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So this definition,
I think, is a good one.
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And it's very important
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that we identify
those who are deadbeat
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as those who are not making
contributions to their child's
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not just financial welfare,
but on cognitive development.
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Now, you could be at
home and still be a deadbeat,
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I believe that.
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You know, your only
involvement is financially.
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Your child wants to go so,
well, you know, just go ahead,
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you know, go
ahead and pay for that.
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That kind of relationship
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compared to, hey, let's go
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and let's get
involved, let's get involved.
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And I'm glad you
mentioned the court,
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because I was
labeled as deadbeat dad.
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You know, and I
refused to be like that,
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in the sense of, I
fought back the court system.
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I said, "I'm going to show
you what a deadbeat dad I am.
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I'll go tooth and
nail with you guys
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to see how involved I
am in my daughter's life.
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You know, and
that's, that's the key
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because I've
been part of groups,
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and I'm still part of
groups for fatherless homes,
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meaning that, not
that the dads aren't there,
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but the kids are going
through parental alienation.
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You know, the kids are
being kept from the fathers
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for whatever reason,
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could be the
courts, could be the moms,
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whatever the reason may be,
and these fathers, I remember,
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recently, as of
last year, 23, excuse me,
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23 fathers committed suicide,
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because they
couldn't see their kids
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and they were all
called deadbeat dads.
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You know what I mean?
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And what
society looks at fathers
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that aren't able
to pay child support,
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for whatever reason,
maybe it's a system issue.
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You know, fathers are
crumbling left and right
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because they're
being called deadbeat dads,
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even though that's
not the real title.
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It's a system issue.
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And I think I'm
glad you made it clear
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because deadbeat fathers,
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I agreed are the ones
that really don't care.
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The ones that do not,
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that choose not
to want to be there,
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even when odds are,
the odds are against them
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because the
odds were against me.
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The odds were against me
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and my daughter
was a few months old,
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but I fought, I cried,
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and I cried and
I literally cried
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not like this
metaphorical weeping,
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you know, I cried in there.
I was agonizing over that.
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And I said, "God help
me. I'm fighting this.
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Take all my
money. I don't care."
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Yeah.
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You know,
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because I have
built a good relationship
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with the case
investigator, with the court,
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everybody, they know my name,
like to the point where now,
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if I switch a job,
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I don't even have to
write anything into the court.
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The case investigator call,
"Hey, Xavier how you doing?
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"Yeah, well, here's the
number. Here's the name."
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"Okay. Don't worry
about writing anything.
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I'll switch it for you."
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I don't lift a finger.
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And that's what God does
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when you're truly
not a deadbeat father.
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He goes ahead
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and changes everybody
else's minds around you.
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But have you
experienced deadbeat dad?
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Have you dealt with any
deadbeat fathers, the real,
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you know what we
just talked about
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the ones that did
not want to be there.
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Have you dealt with that?
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Many.
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You want to go
first? You go first.
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I've dealt with many and
from our own conversations
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and our sharing, I
think we've kind of both,
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in some sense, experienced that.
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If we should talk
about that first up.
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Okay.
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So I've met my
dad at about age 15.
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I mean, I was in a date.
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Oh, mercy.
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I met my dad at about age 15.
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I shared before,
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my father was present
in my life as a toddler,
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but I don't really have a memory
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of a father-son
type relationship,
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because we went to live
with my grandma and my mom
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migrated to the US,
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and thereafter my grandma
raised me, not my father.
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So I met my
father at 15 in Brooklyn.
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And at that time,
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I was very much
running the streets
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and gang violence
and all that stuff.
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And I remember telling
my father when I met him,
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because he needed to
stay at our residence,
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our apartment
for about two months,
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in transition of
getting his own place
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and my mom was courteous
enough to let him know that.
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So you haven't
been in these kids,
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these children's lives.
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You can't just walk in here,
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so at least give me
time to talk to them.
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And we had a
little family meeting
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and my mom has
basically asked us,
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you know, your dad
wants to stay here two months.
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How do you guys feel about that?
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Like, you know,
I don't care, man.
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So then when I
met him, I told him,
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I said, "Look, if she
wants you to stay here.
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Personally, I don't
know if I would let you,
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but it's her place so.
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And if she wants to,
man, you know, I don't care.
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Sorry, just don't touch my mom,
you know, and also told him,
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I hope you're
not coming here now
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to try to be like a father
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and give me a bunch
of rules and all of that
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because I'm already a man."
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And that's what
I said to my dad.
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It's important to understand,
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there may be someone
watching this program,
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who has been guilty
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of not being present
in their child's life.
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It is never too late to
start and to be a parent.
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Children are
extremely forgiving.
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Children are
extremely forgiving.
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Yes, there are some
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who I guess never get
over the hurt and pain.
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But it's, I hate to
use the comparison there.
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They're almost
sometimes like the love cohesion
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between a pet and a person.
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Dogs especially,
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you can show them
a bunch of neglect.
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But once you start showing them,
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treating them with love again,
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they will try to
bond that relationship.
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Children are somewhat the same,
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especially as it
pertains to father.
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So I want that
viewer to understand.
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It's never too late to pray
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and get yourself involved,
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I mean, as terrible as it look.
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I'll give you a
short memory reference.
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I'm about 15 in the
street with my friends,
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and my dad called
to me at some point
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while I came up
into the apartment.
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He said, "Son,
hey, do me a favor, man.
00:09:04.57\00:09:06.68
Run down over to
the bodega out there,
00:09:06.71\00:09:08.84
you know, and I
need a New York Post
00:09:08.88\00:09:11.55
and two cans of tuna
fish and something else."
00:09:11.58\00:09:16.02
You know if you
can get these things
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and I said, "Yeah, "
00:09:17.42\00:09:18.75
and he gives me
like $10 or whatever.
00:09:18.79\00:09:20.12
And I take off.
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I pretty much forgot
about my dad's request,
00:09:21.52\00:09:24.23
I was hanging with my
friends doing what I usually do.
00:09:24.26\00:09:27.30
And then I
remembered at some point
00:09:27.33\00:09:29.40
that I promised
to get him this stuff
00:09:29.43\00:09:30.87
so I run to the
store I get the stuff
00:09:30.90\00:09:33.03
and it's like on my way back
00:09:33.07\00:09:35.67
a neighborhood
conflict erupts, a gang fight.
00:09:35.70\00:09:40.18
So now I'm more concerned
00:09:40.21\00:09:43.28
about getting a knife
or a pistol or whatever
00:09:43.31\00:09:45.78
and joining my friends
00:09:45.81\00:09:47.15
and dealing with this
whoever is trying to intrude
00:09:47.18\00:09:49.75
our territory or whatever.
00:09:49.78\00:09:51.12
We just getting ready
to have it out and that,
00:09:51.15\00:09:52.75
and that's where my mind is.
00:09:52.79\00:09:55.02
But I remember I got
his stuff, I run upstairs,
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get up to the top,
you know, fifth floor,
00:09:57.63\00:09:59.53
whatever we were
living, bust the door open,
00:09:59.56\00:10:02.06
run up to my father,
said, "Here's your newspaper."
00:10:02.10\00:10:04.23
I just throw his
newspaper down the table.
00:10:04.27\00:10:06.17
I put your tuna
fish on the table.
00:10:06.20\00:10:08.40
Here's a change."
00:10:08.44\00:10:09.77
And just plod the change,
00:10:09.80\00:10:11.14
stuck my hand in my pocket
00:10:11.17\00:10:12.51
pull out of wad
of money and coins,
00:10:12.54\00:10:13.88
popped it in his hand,
00:10:13.91\00:10:15.24
started to run back for them.
00:10:15.28\00:10:16.61
My father said, "Hey,
hold on. Hold on, man.
00:10:16.64\00:10:17.98
Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.
00:10:18.01\00:10:19.35
Come here, come here."
00:10:19.38\00:10:20.72
And I thought
00:10:20.75\00:10:22.08
he's calling me back to tell me.
00:10:22.12\00:10:23.55
"My change is short, 50 cents.
00:10:23.59\00:10:25.72
Where my money?"
00:10:25.75\00:10:27.16
I thought he would come
with some ridiculous nonsense.
00:10:27.19\00:10:30.13
Father says, "This is
mine, puts the quarter.
00:10:30.16\00:10:33.70
This is mine, dollar, $2.
00:10:33.73\00:10:35.60
This is mine, a 10 cents.
00:10:35.63\00:10:37.50
This is yours."
00:10:37.53\00:10:38.87
And he holds up a ganja spliff.
00:10:38.90\00:10:40.97
You guys will
say a joint, right?
00:10:41.00\00:10:43.14
He holds up a joint
and says that's yours.
00:10:43.17\00:10:46.98
So immediately, of
course, I tried to, you know,
00:10:47.01\00:10:49.94
my mind racks. "Yo, what?
00:10:49.98\00:10:51.75
Where you got that from, yo?
00:10:51.78\00:10:53.85
That ain't even," you
know, but then he caught me off.
00:10:53.88\00:10:57.75
He just saw me.
00:10:57.79\00:10:59.12
He just all, he said
was in a very calm tone
00:10:59.15\00:11:01.72
while I was trying
to say it's not mine.
00:11:01.76\00:11:03.69
He said, "Son, look,
listen, this is your business.
00:11:03.73\00:11:07.23
I'm not trying to
tell you what to do,
00:11:07.26\00:11:08.76
or what not to do in that sense.
00:11:08.80\00:11:10.60
But you mess around
with that stuff too much,
00:11:10.63\00:11:13.03
it's going to hurt you."
00:11:13.07\00:11:14.40
He gave it to me.
00:11:14.44\00:11:15.77
That was a turn around,
00:11:15.80\00:11:17.14
continued watching whatever
TV program he was watching.
00:11:17.17\00:11:19.34
I put in my pocket went back out
00:11:19.37\00:11:21.38
and got involved
with whatever violence
00:11:21.41\00:11:23.01
I was wanting to
get involved with.
00:11:23.04\00:11:24.38
But I mean, I remember that.
00:11:24.41\00:11:26.31
And I think
00:11:26.35\00:11:27.68
it was a good effort on his part
00:11:27.72\00:11:30.52
to demonstrate parenting
to the ability that he knew,
00:11:30.55\00:11:34.09
in spite of being
absent from my life
00:11:34.12\00:11:36.59
for all those years.
00:11:36.62\00:11:39.56
Mercy, man. Wow.
00:11:39.59\00:11:40.93
So did yours call you a son?
00:11:40.96\00:11:42.66
He called you son.
00:11:42.70\00:11:44.60
Yeah, he called me son.
00:11:44.63\00:11:45.97
Most times, he called me Paul.
00:11:46.00\00:11:47.34
Unfortunately, I never got that.
00:11:47.37\00:11:48.84
Yeah.
00:11:48.87\00:11:50.21
And I never got that,
00:11:50.24\00:11:51.57
you know, this is
very, very, very touchy.
00:11:51.61\00:11:53.17
Because, you know,
last time we did this,
00:11:53.21\00:11:56.34
you know, my father was alive.
00:11:56.38\00:11:59.01
And we spoke about, you
know, him, contacting me,
00:11:59.05\00:12:02.48
you know, calling me,
00:12:02.52\00:12:04.32
and, you know, me
trying to reach out to him,
00:12:04.35\00:12:06.62
but at times, it
would make me upset,
00:12:06.65\00:12:09.09
because the only
conversation was about money,
00:12:09.12\00:12:12.83
so he became my
dependent, you know.
00:12:12.86\00:12:15.96
Here I am trying to
take care of my wife
00:12:16.00\00:12:18.00
and my three children
00:12:18.03\00:12:19.90
and also have another
child, which is my father now.
00:12:19.93\00:12:23.27
And so, yeah, yeah, you know,
00:12:23.30\00:12:26.37
which I didn't mind
but I was looking for more.
00:12:26.41\00:12:29.74
And I wanted more,
00:12:29.78\00:12:31.11
I wanted to have
some conversation.
00:12:31.15\00:12:32.48
I really wanted to
know who he was as a father.
00:12:32.51\00:12:35.38
You know, what
did he do as a child?
00:12:35.42\00:12:37.19
What did he do as a teenager,
blah, blah, blah, and so forth.
00:12:37.22\00:12:40.42
The only thing I
know about my father is
00:12:40.46\00:12:42.76
he loved women
and he loved alcohol.
00:12:42.79\00:12:45.69
And once in a while, he smoked.
00:12:45.73\00:12:47.80
That's the only thing.
00:12:47.83\00:12:49.96
And then unfortunately,
00:12:50.00\00:12:51.33
between the time,
00:12:51.37\00:12:52.70
last time we talked
last year, or whatever,
00:12:52.73\00:12:56.34
and now my father is deceased.
00:12:56.37\00:13:00.61
And what makes it
painful, is that, you know,
00:13:00.64\00:13:06.15
I stopped answering his calls.
00:13:06.18\00:13:09.82
I stopped answering his calls.
00:13:09.85\00:13:11.89
I know we talked
about my restoration here.
00:13:11.92\00:13:14.36
But instead of me
trying to reach out
00:13:14.39\00:13:18.83
and trying to restore something,
00:13:18.86\00:13:21.26
I stopped answering his call.
00:13:21.30\00:13:22.93
Because I always saw his calls
as he needed something from me.
00:13:22.96\00:13:27.57
Was he sick? Yeah, he was sick.
00:13:27.60\00:13:29.54
And I had a
conversation with my mother
00:13:29.57\00:13:30.91
and she basically,
00:13:30.94\00:13:32.37
you know, I was very
upset with my mother,
00:13:32.41\00:13:33.74
but at this point, because
she was like, she got involved.
00:13:33.78\00:13:36.21
And she said, "Stop
doing that, you know,
00:13:36.24\00:13:37.95
stop, he'd never give
you a dime in your life,
00:13:37.98\00:13:39.95
you know, whatever.
00:13:39.98\00:13:41.32
Just stop, you
know, stop doing it."
00:13:41.35\00:13:43.08
And I guess being a good son,
00:13:43.12\00:13:45.05
I tried to, I
listened to my mom.
00:13:45.09\00:13:47.56
And I stopped, you
know, supporting my dad.
00:13:47.59\00:13:51.13
And then six to
eight months later,
00:13:51.16\00:13:55.83
my dad dies.
00:13:55.86\00:13:57.43
But what makes it worse
00:13:57.47\00:13:58.80
is the month
prior was my birthday.
00:13:58.83\00:14:01.20
And on my birthday,
the last voice I heard,
00:14:01.24\00:14:05.17
a voicemail I heard of my dad,
and he called me and he said,
00:14:05.21\00:14:09.98
I don't understand
why you ignore my calls.
00:14:10.01\00:14:12.68
You know, I
just want to call you
00:14:12.71\00:14:14.05
and tell you happy birthday.
00:14:14.08\00:14:15.42
That's the last,
00:14:15.45\00:14:17.15
the last time I
heard any voice of my dad.
00:14:17.19\00:14:21.92
Next thing I know, he's dying.
00:14:21.96\00:14:24.19
That I got that call.
00:14:24.23\00:14:25.56
And then they said, "Hey,
00:14:25.59\00:14:26.93
he's going to be on
dialysis, blah, blah, blah."
00:14:26.96\00:14:28.30
Three days later,
00:14:28.33\00:14:30.23
I got a call on my anniversary,
00:14:30.27\00:14:33.64
that my dad is dead.
00:14:33.67\00:14:35.54
I mean,
00:14:35.57\00:14:37.04
I didn't think I had
emotions pertaining to my dad.
00:14:37.07\00:14:40.64
I didn't.
00:14:40.68\00:14:42.04
I didn't think, I
mean, he didn't raise me.
00:14:42.08\00:14:44.61
I mean, was he involved?
00:14:44.65\00:14:46.45
No.
00:14:46.48\00:14:48.35
Can I go see him
when I went to Jamaica
00:14:48.38\00:14:50.05
whatever the case may be?
00:14:50.09\00:14:51.55
Yes.
00:14:51.59\00:14:52.92
Can I speak to him on the phone,
00:14:52.95\00:14:54.29
I'll call but like I said
00:14:54.32\00:14:55.76
it was very, very
simple conversation.
00:14:55.79\00:14:59.73
Can I have some money or
something of that nature.
00:14:59.76\00:15:02.10
And so when my dad
died on the way to Jamaica,
00:15:02.13\00:15:08.94
my wife and I driving,
00:15:08.97\00:15:10.47
I was irritated.
00:15:10.51\00:15:12.44
And then I almost pull
over to the side of the road.
00:15:12.47\00:15:16.04
And I started bawling,
00:15:16.08\00:15:17.45
I started
weeping. I started crying.
00:15:17.48\00:15:22.22
And I'm shocked
because I'm like, hold on,
00:15:22.25\00:15:24.32
I don't know this guy for real.
00:15:24.35\00:15:26.49
I really don't know him.
00:15:26.52\00:15:28.69
I was crying two parts.
00:15:28.72\00:15:30.06
I wanted to get to know him.
00:15:30.09\00:15:31.79
And I felt guilty.
00:15:31.83\00:15:34.00
I thought I was
the deadbeat son.
00:15:34.03\00:15:37.87
I felt like a deadbeat son.
00:15:37.90\00:15:39.23
I felt guilty
for my dad's death.
00:15:39.27\00:15:42.20
I felt to the point
00:15:42.24\00:15:43.57
of I killed my dad
00:15:43.61\00:15:45.54
because I could have helped him.
00:15:45.57\00:15:48.18
All he was asking for was help,
00:15:48.21\00:15:50.35
and because I was angry with him
00:15:50.38\00:15:52.01
for not being my father,
right, reaching out to me,
00:15:52.05\00:15:55.68
at least a point I
could have learned,
00:15:55.72\00:15:57.52
at least he's
reaching out to me.
00:15:57.55\00:15:59.75
At least he's
reaching out to me.
00:15:59.79\00:16:01.52
So if I can just talk
to sons, deadbeat sons,
00:16:01.56\00:16:06.06
those who do not
want to get involved
00:16:06.09\00:16:08.00
in their father's life,
00:16:08.03\00:16:09.43
because you're in
your 40s, or your 30s,
00:16:09.46\00:16:11.60
or whatever the case may be.
00:16:11.63\00:16:13.34
I mean, let's think
about how Christ took His time
00:16:13.37\00:16:16.14
and waited on us.
00:16:16.17\00:16:18.01
Be involved, give them a chance.
00:16:18.04\00:16:19.91
I mean, they may not be able
to play with you basketball,
00:16:19.94\00:16:22.58
whatever, just hear
them out, give them a chance.
00:16:22.61\00:16:25.51
We're all humans.
00:16:25.55\00:16:26.88
So if I can just appeal
to sons and even daughters
00:16:26.92\00:16:31.22
give your fathers a chance,
00:16:31.25\00:16:32.59
no matter how late
it is in their life.
00:16:32.62\00:16:35.52
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I can say quickly too.
00:16:35.56\00:16:39.56
The population,
00:16:39.59\00:16:41.53
interacting with that population
00:16:41.56\00:16:42.96
through the court system.
00:16:43.00\00:16:44.37
I heard a lot of their stories.
00:16:44.40\00:16:46.47
And there were those
who were clearly negligent,
00:16:46.50\00:16:50.31
and they didn't care,
00:16:50.34\00:16:51.74
you know,
00:16:51.77\00:16:53.11
they were very
insensitive relative
00:16:53.14\00:16:55.54
to that whole predicament.
00:16:55.58\00:16:56.91
And there were
those who were guilty,
00:16:56.95\00:16:58.55
were guilty with
fair explanation.
00:16:58.58\00:17:03.59
Even for some of us
who had a prior marriage,
00:17:03.62\00:17:08.42
you know,
00:17:08.46\00:17:09.79
not all marriage relationships
00:17:09.82\00:17:11.59
are a wife comfortable
with the husband's interaction
00:17:11.63\00:17:17.17
with a child that was
birthed before their marriage.
00:17:17.20\00:17:20.20
Some wives are even upset enough
00:17:20.24\00:17:23.87
that they will not allow
00:17:23.91\00:17:25.51
their husband to
have much contact,
00:17:25.54\00:17:28.44
you know, very limited.
00:17:28.48\00:17:30.25
And the end result of
that is the appearance
00:17:30.28\00:17:34.15
or the outcome for that child
00:17:34.18\00:17:36.38
is that you're a deadbeat dad.
00:17:36.42\00:17:38.29
While you were at
home on your knees
00:17:38.32\00:17:40.02
crying, praying, pleading,
00:17:40.06\00:17:42.46
you know, and then
there's the reverse where you,
00:17:42.49\00:17:45.26
you may have a spouse,
or you may be by yourself,
00:17:45.29\00:17:47.66
and there's no
restriction on your side.
00:17:47.70\00:17:50.30
But the mother of that child
00:17:50.33\00:17:52.87
who is not in the home with you,
00:17:52.90\00:17:54.24
she says, well,
you're just going to,
00:17:54.27\00:17:55.70
you're going to
give me child support
00:17:55.74\00:17:57.24
till he reached 23,
00:17:57.27\00:17:58.61
you ain't going
to never see him,
00:17:58.64\00:17:59.97
you know, whatever.
00:18:00.01\00:18:01.34
I don't care what
the court says, you know,
00:18:01.38\00:18:02.81
and she will find a story,
00:18:02.84\00:18:04.65
every time we heard
some fantastic stories.
00:18:04.68\00:18:07.08
Well, they will keep
coming up with stories
00:18:07.12\00:18:09.15
to make the court not force
00:18:09.18\00:18:11.95
proper
supervision or interaction.
00:18:11.99\00:18:14.26
Some people just learn ways
00:18:14.29\00:18:15.62
to get away with
things, you know.
00:18:15.66\00:18:17.19
So there's
always two sides to it.
00:18:17.23\00:18:19.49
And yes, I concur 100%,
give your father a chance.
00:18:19.53\00:18:26.10
If you are that person,
if you are that child, son,
00:18:26.13\00:18:29.30
if you were that daughter,
00:18:29.34\00:18:30.67
and you have a father
that was not in your life
00:18:30.71\00:18:33.58
or has not been,
00:18:33.61\00:18:35.04
and he is now
making that effort,
00:18:35.08\00:18:37.05
or even if it is that
you are reaching out to him,
00:18:37.08\00:18:40.78
make the effort,
give him the chance.
00:18:40.82\00:18:43.52
It's important.
00:18:43.55\00:18:44.89
I mean, it truly
is and how do you,
00:18:44.92\00:18:48.32
how do you restore?
00:18:48.36\00:18:50.89
I don't even
know how to word it.
00:18:50.93\00:18:53.76
How do you
restore these fathers?
00:18:53.80\00:18:57.07
How do you even begin
because you have on one hand,
00:18:57.10\00:19:00.14
you have the ones that
are, as we talked about today,
00:19:00.17\00:19:03.34
deadbeat fathers,
00:19:03.37\00:19:04.71
they don't want to do
anything to do with their kids
00:19:04.74\00:19:06.51
just because they don't.
00:19:06.54\00:19:07.88
Now you have the other
ones that do and are trying.
00:19:07.91\00:19:10.98
But all the odds are
stacked against them.
00:19:11.01\00:19:14.82
And those are the ones
that are committing suicide.
00:19:14.85\00:19:18.39
So how do you merge the two?
00:19:18.42\00:19:20.96
How do you begin to work
00:19:20.99\00:19:22.32
with both
populations of fathers?
00:19:22.36\00:19:24.76
So I had another father.
00:19:24.79\00:19:27.46
And that was my stepfather.
00:19:27.50\00:19:29.26
And the first 10 years or so,
00:19:29.30\00:19:32.40
it was misery for me
00:19:32.43\00:19:33.77
because here I am
at nine years old,
00:19:33.80\00:19:38.04
he comes into our
life, into my life.
00:19:38.07\00:19:40.84
I'm basically
forced to call him daddy.
00:19:40.88\00:19:44.18
He, this is new to him also.
00:19:44.21\00:19:46.48
So we didn't get along
for the first 10 years,
00:19:46.51\00:19:48.48
really didn't.
00:19:48.52\00:19:49.85
I mean, we had
some face to face.
00:19:49.88\00:19:51.82
We just didn't get along.
00:19:51.85\00:19:53.19
I saw him as a neglectful father
00:19:53.22\00:19:55.89
and he saw me probably as a pest
00:19:55.92\00:19:57.66
or whatever the case may be.
00:19:57.69\00:19:59.16
I mean, we would have
some problems in the home,
00:19:59.19\00:20:02.73
this is in the home.
00:20:02.76\00:20:04.13
So he could have been,
like a deadbeat in the home.
00:20:04.17\00:20:07.87
But what happened
is, after a while,
00:20:07.90\00:20:11.11
I started listening to
him, asking him about his story.
00:20:11.14\00:20:17.08
And he would tell
me about his childhood,
00:20:17.11\00:20:19.21
and how his father
wasn't in his life.
00:20:19.25\00:20:22.12
And when he told me about
00:20:22.15\00:20:23.49
how his biological
father was not in his life
00:20:23.52\00:20:27.22
involved in his life,
00:20:27.26\00:20:28.86
and in comparison to what
he was trying to do with us,
00:20:28.89\00:20:31.96
I look back and
say, "Well, hold on,
00:20:31.99\00:20:34.06
this guy took me
out to basketball games.
00:20:34.10\00:20:36.70
We've played
basketball together,
00:20:36.73\00:20:38.93
we've had
celebrated birthdays together.
00:20:38.97\00:20:41.24
I had a list of things.
00:20:41.27\00:20:44.37
I'm just, he did this,
he did this, he did this.
00:20:44.41\00:20:47.21
And I started realize, hold on,
00:20:47.24\00:20:49.54
I never really
gave him a chance.
00:20:49.58\00:20:52.18
He was trying to do his best
00:20:52.21\00:20:55.92
from what he got
which was nothing.
00:20:55.95\00:20:59.92
But he was trying to
make it the situation best.
00:20:59.95\00:21:02.59
And so the
restoration part for me
00:21:02.62\00:21:05.39
was by just simply
give him the opportunity.
00:21:05.43\00:21:09.43
Now, that's my dad,
00:21:09.46\00:21:11.70
if I have a problem as
adult concerned with my marriage
00:21:11.73\00:21:15.60
or children, I call him.
00:21:15.64\00:21:17.51
If I just want to talk,
I call him, that's my dad.
00:21:17.54\00:21:21.58
That's my dad.
00:21:21.61\00:21:22.94
And so that's the restoration,
giving the person a chance,
00:21:22.98\00:21:25.18
forgive and
forget, we're not perfect.
00:21:25.21\00:21:27.38
We're not. Right.
00:21:27.42\00:21:29.12
Absolutely.
00:21:29.15\00:21:30.49
And I mean,
00:21:30.52\00:21:31.85
we may have even within
our own church population,
00:21:31.89\00:21:33.62
our congregation,
00:21:33.66\00:21:36.09
fathers who
satisfy that definition,
00:21:36.12\00:21:38.56
pastors themselves
have to be very careful
00:21:38.59\00:21:42.00
of not being absent or present
in terms of material support,
00:21:42.03\00:21:48.40
but absence as terms of
that intimate relationship
00:21:48.44\00:21:53.68
and bonding that you
need to have with your child
00:21:53.71\00:21:56.14
because we were always gone.
00:21:56.18\00:21:58.41
We were always somewhere else,
we always got a greater crisis,
00:21:58.45\00:22:01.22
we always got a life and
death situation somewhere else,
00:22:01.25\00:22:04.95
you know, and
so on and so forth.
00:22:04.99\00:22:06.35
And so we too have to be careful
00:22:06.39\00:22:08.82
that we not make ourselves void
00:22:08.86\00:22:12.76
of that necessary
contribution of parenting.
00:22:12.79\00:22:15.66
But once again, the
men's ministry group
00:22:15.70\00:22:18.43
within your church,
00:22:18.47\00:22:19.80
if you don't have
one, try to start one,
00:22:19.83\00:22:22.57
you know,
because that male bonding
00:22:22.60\00:22:24.97
and that sharing and
that support is crucial,
00:22:25.01\00:22:28.94
you know, for
another man to sit with you
00:22:28.98\00:22:31.55
and hold hands and
pray and say, you know,
00:22:31.58\00:22:34.72
I'm a friend,
and I'm going to help
00:22:34.75\00:22:36.38
see you through this.
00:22:36.42\00:22:37.82
I'm going to help
pray you through this,
00:22:37.85\00:22:40.26
that is very helpful.
00:22:40.29\00:22:41.62
And I learned the hard
way, brother, I have to confess,
00:22:41.66\00:22:45.83
I've had a lot of
fights in my life, right?
00:22:45.86\00:22:48.33
Most of my fights I lost
00:22:48.36\00:22:50.53
but the thing was, I
stood up and I fought, you know.
00:22:50.57\00:22:54.87
Then in adulthood,
00:22:54.90\00:22:56.30
I adapted this
same fighting principle,
00:22:56.34\00:22:59.27
even in a professional sense,
00:22:59.31\00:23:00.98
would be argumentative
and all this kind of stuff,
00:23:01.01\00:23:03.68
and I learned the hard way,
00:23:03.71\00:23:06.15
that there are a
lot of situations
00:23:06.18\00:23:08.02
I can't win by my brawn,
00:23:08.05\00:23:10.95
my intellect, my
cunningness, my determination,
00:23:10.99\00:23:14.32
my poise, and all
that kind of stuff.
00:23:14.36\00:23:16.49
Only way I can get through
is to get on my knees and pray,
00:23:16.52\00:23:20.06
you know, give it over to God,
00:23:20.10\00:23:23.26
those things that
are bigger than you,
00:23:23.30\00:23:25.00
I'm talking about the
situations where, you know,
00:23:25.03\00:23:27.00
let's say that the
brother's innocent,
00:23:27.04\00:23:28.97
so to speak,
00:23:29.00\00:23:30.34
it says ex that
won't let him see the child
00:23:30.37\00:23:32.94
or is his current wife
00:23:32.97\00:23:34.31
that won't let
him see the child,
00:23:34.34\00:23:35.68
you know, or whatever
other limitations there may be,
00:23:35.71\00:23:37.65
you have got to pray.
00:23:37.68\00:23:39.41
You've got to get on your knees,
00:23:39.45\00:23:41.25
and stay on your knees and pray.
00:23:41.28\00:23:43.22
Get even another
brother in the faith
00:23:43.25\00:23:46.92
or the family to pray with you.
00:23:46.96\00:23:50.06
But prayer changes things
00:23:50.09\00:23:52.03
and if the prayer
doesn't change the situation,
00:23:52.06\00:23:54.63
certainly it will change us.
00:23:54.66\00:23:56.77
That's so critical, you know,
00:23:56.80\00:23:58.80
and one of my
cousins, they shared with me.
00:23:58.83\00:24:03.34
Now they were a
great support to me
00:24:03.37\00:24:05.01
when I was going through
my, well my custody issues.
00:24:05.04\00:24:09.74
And they told me, you know,
00:24:09.78\00:24:11.11
Xavier, if you know,
our daddy, your uncle,
00:24:11.15\00:24:14.35
if he just called us,
we don't want anything,
00:24:14.38\00:24:19.65
we don't want
anything extravagant from him.
00:24:19.69\00:24:22.09
We just want a phone call.
00:24:22.12\00:24:23.69
Just to call us and
see how we're doing.
00:24:23.73\00:24:26.73
He doesn't have to come visit,
00:24:26.76\00:24:28.36
he doesn't even have
to come for Christmas.
00:24:28.40\00:24:31.17
He said, "You know
if he just call us in."
00:24:31.20\00:24:35.67
Other times we
forget about that,
00:24:35.70\00:24:37.04
that a phone call
can go a long way.
00:24:37.07\00:24:40.54
Just simple contact, you know,
00:24:40.58\00:24:42.61
and I'm blessed
to be part of a group
00:24:42.64\00:24:44.81
called Father's Rights Movement,
00:24:44.85\00:24:46.92
you know,
00:24:46.95\00:24:48.28
advocating the family
court system for equal rights,
00:24:48.32\00:24:53.12
because I can't even
begin to describe it,
00:24:53.15\00:24:57.83
you know, the emotional
trauma that you suffer.
00:24:57.86\00:25:01.83
People think you bring
him back as your father,
00:25:01.86\00:25:04.00
but it hurts.
00:25:04.03\00:25:06.50
And I mean, is there
anything else you guys
00:25:06.53\00:25:09.07
would like to add,
00:25:09.10\00:25:10.44
any other wisdom
from your experiences?
00:25:10.47\00:25:13.78
Yes, just one
last thing real quick.
00:25:13.81\00:25:15.98
I just really want to thank
those fathers in the church
00:25:16.01\00:25:20.55
and my uncles for stepping in,
00:25:20.58\00:25:25.35
for stepping in the gap.
00:25:25.39\00:25:26.72
I just want to thank
00:25:26.76\00:25:28.09
the pastors that
came to my church,
00:25:28.12\00:25:30.83
the elders, and my uncles,
they really saved my life.
00:25:30.86\00:25:35.03
You know, they
really saved my life,
00:25:35.06\00:25:36.87
these helps and God
snatched me out of darkness.
00:25:36.90\00:25:41.10
So I just want to
thank them, you know,
00:25:41.14\00:25:42.87
and that's what we need to
do, be father figures, you know,
00:25:42.90\00:25:47.51
righteous father
figures to those young men
00:25:47.54\00:25:49.48
and young
ladies in our churches,
00:25:49.51\00:25:51.75
in our communities.
00:25:51.78\00:25:53.11
Yeah.
00:25:53.15\00:25:54.48
And our fellow brethren
00:25:54.52\00:25:55.85
who are fathers that
are not meeting the mark,
00:25:55.88\00:25:58.02
so to speak.
00:25:58.05\00:25:59.85
Mentorship goes far away.
00:25:59.89\00:26:01.42
It's not just to
those who are younger,
00:26:01.46\00:26:03.79
but for the at-risk population
of fathers that are not fathers
00:26:03.83\00:26:08.36
that are dysfunctional.
00:26:08.40\00:26:11.53
Sharing the big
picture does help.
00:26:11.57\00:26:14.20
When I sit down
with that person,
00:26:14.24\00:26:16.00
whether this is
someone incarcerated,
00:26:16.04\00:26:19.01
or someone that was recently
released from jail or such,
00:26:19.04\00:26:23.24
the big picture helps,
and that is to let them know,
00:26:23.28\00:26:27.25
look at what your
absence is contributing to.
00:26:27.28\00:26:31.02
So I show them the
plight of society in general,
00:26:31.05\00:26:33.59
I show them the
plight of our race,
00:26:33.62\00:26:35.26
the plight of our culture,
the plight of community,
00:26:35.29\00:26:38.79
and say, all these
deficits that you can identify,
00:26:38.83\00:26:42.90
this is what
you're contributing to,
00:26:42.93\00:26:44.67
you can make that change.
00:26:44.70\00:26:46.20
I appreciate you
guys sharing with us
00:26:46.23\00:26:48.27
and wish we had
more time, but we don't.
00:26:48.30\00:26:50.31
And for the viewers out there,
00:26:50.34\00:26:53.68
you know, if you are,
00:26:53.71\00:26:55.61
let's say, a deadbeat father,
00:26:55.64\00:26:56.98
because you choose not
to be in your child's life.
00:26:57.01\00:26:59.28
Well, guess what?
00:26:59.31\00:27:00.65
Even on your tombstone,
you still be a father,
00:27:00.68\00:27:03.12
you'd still be
labeled as a father
00:27:03.15\00:27:05.32
and your children
will walk a wreckage
00:27:05.35\00:27:07.16
because you're not there.
00:27:07.19\00:27:09.22
So do yourself a favor, step up,
00:27:09.26\00:27:11.43
even if it's just a phone call.
00:27:11.46\00:27:13.33
And for those fathers
that are not deadbeats,
00:27:13.36\00:27:17.27
but you're
struggling through the system,
00:27:17.30\00:27:19.30
maybe you're struggling
spiritually, emotionally.
00:27:19.33\00:27:23.17
You know, it's
okay. Don't give up.
00:27:23.20\00:27:26.07
Something that my wife
told me is to pray for my ex.
00:27:26.11\00:27:29.18
Did it make sense?
00:27:29.21\00:27:30.65
But I spent many years
and by the grace of God,
00:27:30.68\00:27:32.95
we have a great
co-parenting relationship.
00:27:32.98\00:27:35.98
And I see my
daughter whenever I want.
00:27:36.02\00:27:38.49
But that's only
by the grace of God.
00:27:38.52\00:27:41.19
So don't give up hope.
00:27:41.22\00:27:42.56
Don't, they need you,
00:27:42.59\00:27:43.93
don't commit suicide
00:27:43.96\00:27:45.29
because you'll
be gone eternally.
00:27:45.33\00:27:48.43
I get choked up
thinking about it.
00:27:48.46\00:27:50.60
Please, just hang in there.
00:27:50.63\00:27:53.30
Do yourself a
favor, become a father.
00:27:53.34\00:27:55.64
And God bless you.
00:27:55.67\00:27:57.01
Thank you for watching.
00:27:57.04\00:27:58.37