A good father
takes time to play.
00:00:01.36\00:00:05.43
He has strong integrity.
00:00:05.47\00:00:08.50
He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
00:00:08.54\00:00:12.34
He is not afraid
to show his love.
00:00:12.37\00:00:15.81
He is a caring provider.
00:00:15.84\00:00:18.98
And he is a kind
spiritual leader.
00:00:19.01\00:00:23.65
These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
00:00:23.69\00:00:28.19
Hi and welcome
to A Father's Heart.
00:00:33.16\00:00:34.63
I'm your host Xavier.
00:00:34.66\00:00:36.16
And today, we're
going to be discussing
00:00:36.20\00:00:38.10
how to restore deadbeat fathers.
00:00:38.13\00:00:40.27
What does that even look like?
00:00:40.30\00:00:41.64
Who is that and
how is it defined?
00:00:41.67\00:00:43.41
And with me to talk about
that are my two good friends,
00:00:43.44\00:00:45.74
Paul and Denry.
00:00:45.77\00:00:47.21
How are you guys today?
00:00:47.24\00:00:48.58
Great. Great to
be here again, man.
00:00:48.61\00:00:50.25
Can't complain. Can't complain.
00:00:50.28\00:00:51.95
So deadbeat fathers,
00:00:51.98\00:00:54.35
how is that defined
00:00:54.38\00:00:56.12
and how do you restore something
00:00:56.15\00:00:59.22
that sounds so negative?
00:00:59.25\00:01:01.42
The thing is a good that
you acts, let's define it first
00:01:01.46\00:01:05.33
'cause there are so
much interpretations
00:01:05.36\00:01:07.40
of what a deadbeat father is.
00:01:07.43\00:01:09.40
The word view
mostly is the person
00:01:09.43\00:01:11.73
that's not financing a
child or necessarily not there.
00:01:11.77\00:01:17.74
But a deadbeat father
can be there physically,
00:01:17.77\00:01:22.31
but just still
absent in a child's life.
00:01:22.34\00:01:24.61
So basically, my interpretation
of what a deadbeat father
00:01:24.65\00:01:27.62
is you're not involved,
00:01:27.65\00:01:29.48
actively involved in the growth
00:01:29.52\00:01:31.99
and the
development of your child,
00:01:32.02\00:01:34.02
whether emotional, physical,
00:01:34.06\00:01:36.56
your idea, you don't
care, there is no communication,
00:01:36.59\00:01:39.36
just like you
can't talk to the dead,
00:01:39.39\00:01:41.70
you can't talk to your father.
00:01:41.73\00:01:44.17
You know, that's
my interpretation.
00:01:44.20\00:01:45.53
I think that's a
great definition.
00:01:45.57\00:01:47.67
My years
working with the courts,
00:01:47.70\00:01:49.47
we actually made a great
effort to not use the term.
00:01:49.50\00:01:54.71
So in my communication
with the friend of the court
00:01:54.74\00:01:57.65
and being involved in custody,
00:01:57.68\00:02:01.52
you know, cases,
and this kind of stuff,
00:02:01.55\00:02:03.69
the labeling was a problem
00:02:03.72\00:02:05.95
because there are many fathers
00:02:05.99\00:02:07.59
who are placed under the label
00:02:07.62\00:02:10.13
that are not really
guilty of the definition.
00:02:10.16\00:02:14.23
So for example,
00:02:14.26\00:02:16.73
as it pertains
to child payment...
00:02:16.77\00:02:20.70
Sorry, I forgot the term.
00:02:20.74\00:02:22.24
But basically...
00:02:22.27\00:02:23.61
Yeah, when you owe
money for child support
00:02:23.64\00:02:26.88
and you could owe
money for child support for,
00:02:26.91\00:02:31.21
you know, more than one reason.
00:02:31.25\00:02:32.58
This is not
always a direct neglect.
00:02:32.61\00:02:34.18
Yes.
00:02:34.22\00:02:35.55
And there are fathers
00:02:35.58\00:02:36.92
who are making
a conscious effort
00:02:36.95\00:02:38.29
to meet that need,
00:02:38.32\00:02:39.69
and handle
arrears, and owe payments,
00:02:39.72\00:02:42.09
and so on, and so forth,
00:02:42.12\00:02:43.63
and they are involved
in their children's lives
00:02:43.66\00:02:46.19
as the financial, you
know, glitch or set back.
00:02:46.23\00:02:50.67
Yeah.
00:02:50.70\00:02:52.03
And they are not
fairly receiving that label.
00:02:52.07\00:02:57.27
So this definition
I think is a good one,
00:02:57.31\00:03:00.24
and it's very
important that we identify
00:03:00.28\00:03:02.94
those who are deadbeat
00:03:02.98\00:03:04.31
as those who are not making
contributions to their child's,
00:03:04.35\00:03:08.48
not just financial welfare,
but on cognitive development.
00:03:08.52\00:03:13.05
Now you could be at
home and still be a deadbeat.
00:03:13.09\00:03:16.29
Exactly. I believe that.
00:03:16.32\00:03:17.66
You know, your only
involvement is financially,
00:03:17.69\00:03:20.83
your child wants
to go see the world,
00:03:20.86\00:03:22.20
you know, go
ahead and pay for that,
00:03:22.23\00:03:24.70
that kind of
relationship compared to,
00:03:24.73\00:03:26.90
"Hey, let's get involved.
00:03:26.94\00:03:28.30
Let's get involved."
00:03:28.34\00:03:29.87
I'm glad you mentioned the court
00:03:29.90\00:03:32.61
because I was
labeled as a deadbeat dad.
00:03:32.64\00:03:36.31
You know, and I refused
00:03:36.34\00:03:38.88
to be like that
in the sense of...
00:03:38.91\00:03:40.75
I fought back
the court's system.
00:03:40.78\00:03:43.02
I said, "I'm going to show
you what a deadbeat dad I am.
00:03:43.05\00:03:44.69
I'm going to go tooth
and nail with you guys
00:03:44.72\00:03:47.29
till you see how involved
I am in my daughter's life.
00:03:47.32\00:03:50.63
You know, that's the key
00:03:50.66\00:03:52.29
because I've been part of groups
00:03:52.33\00:03:54.56
and I'm still part of
groups for fatherless homes,
00:03:54.60\00:03:57.57
meaning that, now
that the dads aren't there,
00:03:57.60\00:04:00.04
but the kids are going
through parental alienation.
00:04:00.07\00:04:03.41
You know, kids are
being kept from the fathers
00:04:03.44\00:04:05.04
for whatever reason,
it could be the courts,
00:04:05.07\00:04:06.61
it could be the moms,
whatever the reason maybe.
00:04:06.64\00:04:09.41
And these fathers,
I remember recently,
00:04:09.44\00:04:14.02
as of last year 23...
00:04:14.05\00:04:16.99
Excuse me, 23
fathers committed suicide
00:04:17.02\00:04:20.99
because they
couldn't see their kids.
00:04:21.02\00:04:22.36
And they were all
called deadbeat dads.
00:04:22.39\00:04:24.19
Mercy. You know what I mean?
00:04:24.23\00:04:27.20
What society looks at father's
00:04:27.23\00:04:29.66
that aren't able
to pay child support
00:04:29.70\00:04:32.07
for whatever reason,
maybe it's a system issue.
00:04:32.10\00:04:34.64
You know, fathers are
crumbling left and right
00:04:34.67\00:04:38.07
because they're being
called deadbeat dads even though
00:04:38.11\00:04:41.64
that's not their real title,
00:04:41.68\00:04:43.04
it's a system issue.
00:04:43.08\00:04:44.71
And I think, I'm
glad you made it clear
00:04:44.75\00:04:46.65
because deadbeat fathers...
00:04:46.68\00:04:49.42
I agree, there are
ones that really don't care,
00:04:49.45\00:04:52.75
the ones that chose
not to want to be there
00:04:52.79\00:04:55.99
even when odds are against them
00:04:56.02\00:05:00.20
'cause the odds were against me.
00:05:00.23\00:05:02.36
The odds were against me
00:05:02.40\00:05:03.73
and my daughter
was a few months old.
00:05:03.77\00:05:07.17
But I fought.
00:05:07.20\00:05:08.54
I cried, and I cried,
and I literally cried,
00:05:08.57\00:05:11.11
not like this
metaphorical weeping.
00:05:11.14\00:05:14.21
You know, I cried...
00:05:14.24\00:05:15.58
You will.
00:05:15.61\00:05:16.95
I was agonizing over that.
00:05:16.98\00:05:19.35
And I said, "God, help me.
00:05:19.38\00:05:21.08
I'm fighting this.
00:05:21.12\00:05:22.75
Take all my
money, I don't care."
00:05:22.78\00:05:24.29
Yeah.
00:05:24.32\00:05:25.65
You know, because I have
built a good relationship
00:05:25.69\00:05:29.72
with the case investigator,
with the court, everybody,
00:05:29.76\00:05:33.70
they know my name
00:05:33.73\00:05:35.06
like to the point
where now if I switch a job,
00:05:35.10\00:05:37.70
I don't even have to
write anything into the court,
00:05:37.73\00:05:40.50
the case investigator will call,
00:05:40.54\00:05:41.87
"Hey, Xavier,
how are you doing?"
00:05:41.90\00:05:43.24
"How are you doing?"
00:05:43.27\00:05:44.61
"Yeah, here's the
number, here's the name."
00:05:44.64\00:05:45.97
"Okay, don't worry
about writing anything else
00:05:46.01\00:05:47.34
I'll switch it for you."
00:05:47.38\00:05:48.71
I don't lift a finger.
00:05:48.74\00:05:50.08
And that's what God does
00:05:50.11\00:05:51.45
when you are truly
not a deadbeat father.
00:05:51.48\00:05:54.65
He goes ahead and changes
00:05:54.68\00:05:56.02
everybody else's
minds around you.
00:05:56.05\00:05:57.79
But have you
experienced deadbeat...
00:05:57.82\00:06:00.22
Have you dealt with
any deadbeat fathers?
00:06:00.26\00:06:01.99
The real, you know,
00:06:02.02\00:06:03.36
what we just
talked about the ones
00:06:03.39\00:06:04.73
that did not want to be there.
00:06:04.76\00:06:06.09
Have you dealt with them?
00:06:06.13\00:06:07.46
I have dealt with
many. You wanna go first?
00:06:07.50\00:06:08.83
You go first.
00:06:08.86\00:06:10.20
I have dealt with many.
00:06:10.23\00:06:11.57
And from our own
conversations and our sharing,
00:06:11.60\00:06:13.84
I think we're kind of both
in some sense experienced that.
00:06:13.87\00:06:18.77
If we should talk
about that first off.
00:06:21.81\00:06:24.51
So I met my dad
at about age 15...
00:06:24.55\00:06:26.61
I mean, I was on date.
00:06:26.65\00:06:28.12
Oh, mercy.
00:06:28.15\00:06:29.48
I met my dad at about age 15.
00:06:29.52\00:06:31.65
I shared before.
00:06:31.69\00:06:34.29
My father was present
in my life as a toddler.
00:06:34.32\00:06:38.69
But I don't really have a memory
00:06:38.73\00:06:41.86
of a father-son
type relationship
00:06:41.90\00:06:44.27
because we went to
live with my grandma,
00:06:44.30\00:06:47.64
and my mom migrated to
the US, and they were after...
00:06:47.67\00:06:51.31
My grandma raised
me, not my father.
00:06:51.34\00:06:53.68
So I met my
father at 15 in Brooklyn.
00:06:53.71\00:06:56.44
And at that time,
00:06:56.48\00:06:57.81
I was very much
running the streets
00:06:57.85\00:07:00.35
and gang violence
and all that stuff.
00:07:00.38\00:07:04.32
And I remember telling my father
00:07:04.35\00:07:05.69
when I met him
00:07:05.72\00:07:07.06
because he needed to
stay at our residence,
00:07:07.09\00:07:09.39
our apartment
for about two months
00:07:09.42\00:07:12.03
in transition of
getting his own place.
00:07:12.06\00:07:13.90
And my mom was courteous
enough to let him know that.
00:07:13.93\00:07:16.97
"So you haven't been
in these children's lives,
00:07:17.00\00:07:20.67
you can't just walk in here.
00:07:20.70\00:07:22.04
So at least give me
time to talk to them."
00:07:22.07\00:07:24.61
And we had a
little family meeting,
00:07:24.64\00:07:26.11
and my mom was
basically acts as,
00:07:26.14\00:07:27.64
you know, "Your dad wants
to stay here for two months.
00:07:27.68\00:07:29.44
How do you guys
feel about that?"
00:07:29.48\00:07:30.98
I was like, "I don't care, man."
00:07:31.01\00:07:32.65
So then when I met
him, I told him, I said,
00:07:32.68\00:07:34.32
"Look, if she
wants you to stay here,
00:07:34.35\00:07:37.29
personally, I don't
know if I will let you,
00:07:37.32\00:07:38.75
but this is her place, so.
00:07:38.79\00:07:40.86
And if she wants too, man,
00:07:40.89\00:07:42.22
you know, I don't
care, it's all right,
00:07:42.26\00:07:43.73
just don't touch
my mom," you know?
00:07:43.76\00:07:45.79
And I also told him,
00:07:45.83\00:07:47.16
"I hope you're not coming here
now to try to be like a father
00:07:47.20\00:07:50.67
and give me a bunch
of rules and all of that
00:07:50.70\00:07:52.20
'cause I'm already a man."
00:07:52.23\00:07:53.74
That's what I said to my dad.
00:07:53.77\00:07:57.61
It's important to understand,
00:07:57.64\00:07:59.51
there maybe someone
watching this program
00:07:59.54\00:08:03.31
who has been guilty
of not being present
00:08:03.35\00:08:06.28
in their child's life.
00:08:06.31\00:08:07.65
It is never too late to
start and to be a parent.
00:08:07.68\00:08:12.92
Children are
extremely forgiving.
00:08:12.95\00:08:15.92
Children are
extremely forgiving.
00:08:15.96\00:08:17.29
Yes, there are
some, who I guess,
00:08:17.33\00:08:19.09
never get over
the hurt and pain.
00:08:19.13\00:08:21.66
But I had to use the comparison
00:08:21.70\00:08:24.03
they are almost
sometimes like the love cohesion
00:08:24.07\00:08:27.54
between a pet and a
person, dogs especially.
00:08:27.57\00:08:32.61
You can show them
a bunch of neglect,
00:08:32.64\00:08:35.08
but once you start
treating them with love again,
00:08:35.11\00:08:38.21
they will try to
bond that relationship.
00:08:38.25\00:08:41.25
Children are somewhat the same,
00:08:41.28\00:08:42.62
especially when it
pertains to father.
00:08:42.65\00:08:44.72
So I want that
viewer to understand,
00:08:44.75\00:08:47.82
it's never too late to
pray and get yourself involved.
00:08:47.86\00:08:52.69
I mean, as terrible as it looks.
00:08:52.73\00:08:54.46
I'll give you a
short memory reference.
00:08:54.50\00:08:59.13
I am about 15,
00:08:59.17\00:09:02.80
in the street with my friends,
00:09:02.84\00:09:04.57
and my dad call
to me at some point,
00:09:04.61\00:09:07.34
well, I came up
into the apartment.
00:09:07.38\00:09:09.61
He said, "Hey,
son, do me a favor, man.
00:09:09.64\00:09:11.61
Run down over to
the botique out there
00:09:11.65\00:09:15.28
and I need a New York
Post, and two cans of tuna fish,
00:09:15.32\00:09:19.05
and something else.
00:09:19.09\00:09:21.09
You know, if can
you get these things?"
00:09:21.12\00:09:22.46
And I said, "Yeah."
00:09:22.49\00:09:23.83
He gives me
like $10 or whatever.
00:09:23.86\00:09:25.19
And I take off.
00:09:25.23\00:09:26.56
I pretty much forgot
about my dad's requests.
00:09:26.59\00:09:29.33
I was hanging with my friends,
doing what I usually do.
00:09:29.36\00:09:32.27
And then I
remembered at some point
00:09:32.30\00:09:34.44
that I promised to
get him this stuff.
00:09:34.47\00:09:36.07
So I run to the
store, I get the stuff.
00:09:36.10\00:09:38.11
And it's like on my way back,
00:09:38.14\00:09:41.44
a neighborhood
conflict erupts, gang fight.
00:09:41.48\00:09:45.25
So now I'm more
concerned about getting a knife,
00:09:45.28\00:09:49.62
or a pistol, or
whatever and joining my friends
00:09:49.65\00:09:51.85
and dealing with this,
00:09:51.89\00:09:53.22
whoever is trying to intrude
our territory or whatever.
00:09:53.25\00:09:55.92
We were just getting
ready to have it out.
00:09:55.96\00:09:57.39
And that's where my mind is.
00:09:57.43\00:10:00.06
But I remember, I got his stuff.
00:10:00.10\00:10:01.43
I run up stairs,
get up to the top,
00:10:01.46\00:10:03.43
you know, 5th floor or whatever,
00:10:03.47\00:10:04.80
where we were living,
00:10:04.83\00:10:06.17
bust the door open, went
up to my father and said,
00:10:06.20\00:10:07.97
"Hey, here is the newspaper."
00:10:08.00\00:10:09.34
I throw his
newspaper down on the table.
00:10:09.37\00:10:11.24
"I put your tuna
fish on the table
00:10:11.27\00:10:13.44
and here's your change."
00:10:13.48\00:10:14.81
And just plopped the change,
tucked my hand in my pocket,
00:10:14.84\00:10:16.91
pull out of
whatever money and coins,
00:10:16.95\00:10:18.61
plopped it in his hand,
started to run back for them.
00:10:18.65\00:10:21.02
My father said,
"Hey, hey, hey, Hold on.
00:10:21.05\00:10:22.38
Hold on, man. Wait.
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
00:10:22.42\00:10:24.72
Come here. Come here."
00:10:24.75\00:10:26.09
And I thought he was
calling me back to tell me,
00:10:26.12\00:10:28.59
"My change is short 50 cents.
00:10:28.62\00:10:30.76
Where is my money?"
00:10:30.79\00:10:32.13
You know, I
thought he was calling me
00:10:32.16\00:10:33.50
for some ridiculous nonsense.
00:10:33.53\00:10:35.23
My father says,
"This is mine, the quarter.
00:10:35.26\00:10:38.70
This is mine,
dollar, two dollars.
00:10:38.73\00:10:40.64
This is mine, 10 cents.
00:10:40.67\00:10:42.50
This is yours."
00:10:42.54\00:10:43.87
And he holds up ganja spliff.
00:10:43.91\00:10:46.04
You guys will say, a
joint, is that right?
00:10:46.07\00:10:48.21
He holds up a joint
and says, "That's yours."
00:10:48.24\00:10:51.98
So immediately,
of course, I tried...
00:10:52.01\00:10:54.15
You know, my mind...
00:10:54.18\00:10:55.98
"Your what?
00:10:56.02\00:10:57.39
Where you got that from?
00:10:57.42\00:10:58.85
That ain't even," you know?
00:10:58.89\00:11:00.46
But then he cut me off.
00:11:00.49\00:11:02.86
He disarmed me.
00:11:02.89\00:11:04.23
All he said was
in a very calm tone
00:11:04.26\00:11:06.76
while I was trying
to say it's not mine.
00:11:06.80\00:11:08.66
He says, "Son, look,
listen, it's your business.
00:11:08.70\00:11:12.23
I'm not trying to tell you
00:11:12.27\00:11:13.60
what to do and what
not to do in that sense,
00:11:13.64\00:11:15.67
but you mess around
with that stuff too much,
00:11:15.70\00:11:18.07
it's going to hurt you."
00:11:18.11\00:11:19.44
He gave it to me.
00:11:19.47\00:11:20.81
That was it, turned
around and continued watching
00:11:20.84\00:11:22.24
whatever TV
program he was watching.
00:11:22.28\00:11:24.31
I put it in my
pocket, and went back out,
00:11:24.35\00:11:26.05
and got involved
with whatever violence
00:11:26.08\00:11:28.18
I was waiting to get involved.
00:11:28.22\00:11:29.55
But I mean I remember that.
00:11:29.58\00:11:31.39
And I think it was a good effort
00:11:31.42\00:11:34.32
on his part
00:11:34.36\00:11:35.69
to demonstrate
parenting to the ability
00:11:35.72\00:11:37.89
that he knew in
spite of being absent
00:11:37.93\00:11:41.03
from my life
for all those years.
00:11:41.06\00:11:44.63
Mercy, man.
00:11:44.67\00:11:46.00
So did yours call you son?
00:11:46.03\00:11:47.77
He called you son?
00:11:47.80\00:11:49.14
Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:49.17\00:11:50.51
He called me son. Most
times, he called me boy.
00:11:50.54\00:11:51.87
Unfortunately, I never got that.
00:11:51.91\00:11:54.84
And I never got that.
00:11:54.88\00:11:56.54
This is very, very touching
00:11:56.58\00:11:58.31
because, you know,
last time we did this,
00:11:58.35\00:12:01.42
you know, my father was
alive and we spoke about,
00:12:01.45\00:12:05.19
you know, him contacting me,
00:12:05.22\00:12:07.89
you know, calling me,
00:12:07.92\00:12:09.32
and, you know, me
trying to reach out to him,
00:12:09.36\00:12:11.66
but at times, it
would made me upset
00:12:11.69\00:12:14.16
because the only
conversation was about money.
00:12:14.20\00:12:17.87
So he became my
dependent, you know?
00:12:17.90\00:12:21.00
Here I am trying to
take care of my wife,
00:12:21.04\00:12:23.07
my three children,
00:12:23.10\00:12:24.87
and I also have another
child which is my father now.
00:12:24.91\00:12:27.88
And so...
00:12:27.91\00:12:29.24
Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:29.28\00:12:30.61
You know, which I didn't mind,
but I was looking for more.
00:12:30.65\00:12:34.75
You know, I wanted more.
00:12:34.78\00:12:36.12
I wanted to have
some conversation.
00:12:36.15\00:12:37.49
I really wanted to
know who he was as a father,
00:12:37.52\00:12:40.46
you know, what
did he do as a child,
00:12:40.49\00:12:42.26
what did he do as a teenager,
blah, blah, blah, and so forth.
00:12:42.29\00:12:45.46
The only thing I
know about my father
00:12:45.49\00:12:47.10
is he love women,
00:12:47.13\00:12:49.33
and he love alcohol, and
once in a while he smoke.
00:12:49.36\00:12:52.80
That's the only thing.
00:12:52.83\00:12:54.97
And then unfortunately,
00:12:55.00\00:12:56.34
between the time
last time we talked,
00:12:56.37\00:12:59.27
last year or whatever,
and now my father's deceased.
00:12:59.31\00:13:05.61
And what makes
it painful is that,
00:13:05.65\00:13:09.82
you know, I stopped
answering his calls.
00:13:09.85\00:13:14.92
I stopped answering calls.
00:13:14.96\00:13:16.96
I know we're talking
about restoration here.
00:13:16.99\00:13:19.46
But instead of me
trying to reach out
00:13:19.49\00:13:23.97
and trying to restore something,
00:13:24.00\00:13:26.23
I stopped answering his call
00:13:26.27\00:13:28.07
because I always saw his calls
00:13:28.10\00:13:30.24
as he needed something from me.
00:13:30.27\00:13:32.14
Was he sick?
00:13:32.17\00:13:33.51
Yeah, he was sick.
00:13:33.54\00:13:34.88
And I had a
conversation with my mother,
00:13:34.91\00:13:36.24
and she basically...
00:13:36.28\00:13:37.61
You know, I was very
upset with my mother,
00:13:37.65\00:13:38.98
about this point
because she was like,
00:13:39.01\00:13:40.42
she got involved and
she said, "Stop doing that,
00:13:40.45\00:13:42.78
you know, he has never
given you a dime in your life,
00:13:42.82\00:13:45.22
you know, whatever, just
stop, you know, stop doing it."
00:13:45.25\00:13:48.02
And I guess being a good son,
00:13:48.06\00:13:50.06
I tried to listen to my mom.
00:13:50.09\00:13:52.63
And I stopped, you
know, supporting my dad.
00:13:52.66\00:13:56.26
And then six to
eight months later,
00:13:56.30\00:14:01.00
my dad dies.
00:14:01.04\00:14:02.50
But what makes it worse
00:14:02.54\00:14:03.87
is the month
prior was my birthday.
00:14:03.91\00:14:06.27
And on my birthday,
00:14:06.31\00:14:07.78
the last
voicemail I heard of my dad.
00:14:07.81\00:14:12.38
He called me and he said,
00:14:12.41\00:14:15.05
"I don't understand why
you're ignoring my calls,
00:14:15.08\00:14:17.79
you know, I
just want to call you
00:14:17.82\00:14:19.15
and tell you happy birthday."
00:14:19.19\00:14:20.52
That's the last time
I heard voice of my dad.
00:14:20.56\00:14:26.90
Next thing I know he's dying.
00:14:26.93\00:14:29.26
I got that call
and then they said,
00:14:29.30\00:14:30.97
"Hey, he's going
to be on dialysis..."
00:14:31.00\00:14:33.23
Three days later,
00:14:33.27\00:14:35.30
I got a call on my
anniversary that my dad is dead.
00:14:35.34\00:14:40.68
I mean, I didn't think
00:14:40.71\00:14:42.94
I had emotions
pertaining to my dad.
00:14:42.98\00:14:45.88
I didn't.
00:14:45.91\00:14:47.25
I didn't think. I
mean, he didn't raise me.
00:14:47.28\00:14:50.15
Was he involved?
00:14:50.19\00:14:51.55
No.
00:14:51.59\00:14:53.46
Could I go see him
when I went to Jamaica,
00:14:53.49\00:14:55.22
whatever the case may be?
00:14:55.26\00:14:56.59
Yes.
00:14:56.62\00:14:57.96
Can I speak to him
on the phone, on a call?
00:14:57.99\00:14:59.79
But like I said,
00:14:59.83\00:15:01.16
it was very, very
simple conversation,
00:15:01.20\00:15:04.77
"Can I have some money,"
or something of that nature.
00:15:04.80\00:15:07.07
And when my dad died,
00:15:07.10\00:15:11.94
our way to Jamaica,
00:15:11.97\00:15:13.94
my wife and I
driving, I was irritated.
00:15:13.98\00:15:17.45
And then I had almost
00:15:17.48\00:15:18.81
pulled over to
the side of the road
00:15:18.85\00:15:21.02
and I started
bawling, I started weeping.
00:15:21.05\00:15:24.82
I started crying.
00:15:24.85\00:15:27.16
And I'm shocked
because I'm like, "Hold on,
00:15:27.19\00:15:29.36
I don't know this guy for real."
00:15:29.39\00:15:31.69
I really don't know him.
00:15:31.73\00:15:33.76
I was crying for two parts.
00:15:33.80\00:15:35.13
I wanted to get to
know him and I felt guilty.
00:15:35.16\00:15:38.97
I thought I was
the deadbeat son.
00:15:39.00\00:15:42.87
I felt like a deadbeat son.
00:15:42.90\00:15:44.27
I feel guilty
for my dad's death.
00:15:44.31\00:15:47.41
I felt to the point
of "I killed my dad"
00:15:47.44\00:15:50.55
because I could have helped him.
00:15:50.58\00:15:53.25
All he was asking
was for help. Mercy.
00:15:53.28\00:15:55.42
And because I was angry with him
00:15:55.45\00:15:57.05
for not being my father, right,
00:15:57.09\00:15:59.59
reaching out to me...
00:15:59.62\00:16:02.52
At least, he is
reaching out to me.
00:16:02.56\00:16:04.76
At least, he is
reaching out to me.
00:16:04.79\00:16:06.63
So if I can just talk
to sons, deadbeat sons,
00:16:06.66\00:16:11.30
those who do not want to get
involved in their father's life
00:16:11.33\00:16:14.54
because you're in
your 40s or your 30s
00:16:14.57\00:16:16.54
or whatever the case may be,
00:16:16.57\00:16:18.27
I mean let's think
about how Christ took his time
00:16:18.31\00:16:21.18
and waited on us.
00:16:21.21\00:16:23.18
Be involved, give them a chance.
00:16:23.21\00:16:25.18
I mean they may not
be able to play with you,
00:16:25.21\00:16:27.15
basketball or whatever,
00:16:27.18\00:16:28.52
just hear them
out, give them a chance.
00:16:28.55\00:16:30.55
We're all humans.
00:16:30.59\00:16:31.92
So if I can just appeal
to sons and even daughters,
00:16:31.95\00:16:36.26
give your fathers a chance
00:16:36.29\00:16:37.63
no matter how late
it is in their life.
00:16:37.66\00:16:40.20
Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:16:40.23\00:16:41.66
I can say quickly too.
00:16:41.70\00:16:44.60
The population...
00:16:44.63\00:16:46.63
Interacting with that population
00:16:46.67\00:16:48.04
through the court system,
00:16:48.07\00:16:49.44
I heard a lot of their stories.
00:16:49.47\00:16:51.57
And there were those
who were clearly negligent
00:16:51.61\00:16:55.31
and they didn't care,
00:16:55.34\00:16:57.21
you know, they
were very insensitive
00:16:57.25\00:17:00.12
relative to their
whole predicament.
00:17:00.15\00:17:01.95
And there were
those who were guilty
00:17:01.98\00:17:03.59
but were guilty
with fair explanation.
00:17:03.62\00:17:08.59
Even for some of us
who had a prior marriage,
00:17:08.62\00:17:13.56
you know, not all
marriage relationships
00:17:13.60\00:17:16.56
are a wife comfortable
with the husband's interaction
00:17:16.60\00:17:22.20
with a child that was
born before their marriage.
00:17:22.24\00:17:25.21
Some wives are even upset enough
00:17:25.24\00:17:28.88
that they will not allow
husband to have much contact,
00:17:28.91\00:17:33.45
you know, very limited.
00:17:33.48\00:17:35.22
And the end result of
that is the appearance
00:17:35.25\00:17:39.25
or the outcome for the child
00:17:39.29\00:17:41.46
is that you are a deadbeat dad
00:17:41.49\00:17:43.39
while you were at
home on your knees crying,
00:17:43.43\00:17:45.59
praying, pleading,
00:17:45.63\00:17:47.46
you know, and then
there is the reverse
00:17:47.50\00:17:49.16
where you may have a
spouse or you may be by yourself
00:17:49.20\00:17:52.77
and there is no
restriction on your side,
00:17:52.80\00:17:55.37
but the mother of that child
00:17:55.40\00:17:57.97
who is not in the home with you,
00:17:58.01\00:17:59.34
she says, "You're going
to give me child support
00:17:59.37\00:18:02.31
till he reach 23
00:18:02.34\00:18:03.68
or you ain't
going to never see him."
00:18:03.71\00:18:05.05
You know, whatever.
00:18:05.08\00:18:06.41
I don't care what the
court says this, you know?
00:18:06.45\00:18:07.78
And she will find
a story every time.
00:18:07.82\00:18:10.12
We hear some fantastic stories.
00:18:10.15\00:18:12.09
They will keep coming up
with stories to make the court
00:18:12.12\00:18:15.56
not force proper
supervision or interaction.
00:18:15.59\00:18:19.33
Some people just learn ways
00:18:19.36\00:18:20.70
to get away with
things, you know?
00:18:20.73\00:18:22.16
So there is
always two sides to it.
00:18:22.20\00:18:24.40
And yes, I concur 100%.
00:18:24.43\00:18:28.44
Give your father a chance.
00:18:28.47\00:18:31.11
If you were that
person, if you were that son,
00:18:31.14\00:18:34.24
if you were that daughter,
00:18:34.28\00:18:35.68
and you have a father
that was not in your life
00:18:35.71\00:18:38.61
or has not been,
00:18:38.65\00:18:40.02
and he is now making that effort
00:18:40.05\00:18:41.98
or even if it is that
you are reaching out to him,
00:18:42.02\00:18:45.65
make the effort,
give him the chance.
00:18:45.69\00:18:48.59
It's important.
00:18:48.62\00:18:49.96
I mean, it truly is.
00:18:49.99\00:18:52.06
How do you restore...
00:18:52.09\00:18:55.93
I don't even
know how to word it.
00:18:55.96\00:18:58.83
How do you
restore these fathers?
00:18:58.87\00:19:02.00
How do you even begin
because you have on one hand,
00:19:02.04\00:19:05.31
you have the ones that are,
00:19:05.34\00:19:06.68
as we talked about
today, deadbeat fathers.
00:19:06.71\00:19:09.38
They don't want to do
anything to do with their kids
00:19:09.41\00:19:11.35
just because they don't.
00:19:11.38\00:19:12.71
Then you have the other
ones that do and are trying,
00:19:12.75\00:19:16.18
but all the odds are
stacked against them.
00:19:16.22\00:19:19.82
And those are the ones
that are committing suicide.
00:19:19.85\00:19:23.46
So how do you merge the two?
00:19:23.49\00:19:26.13
How do you begin to work
00:19:26.16\00:19:27.50
with both
populations of fathers?
00:19:27.53\00:19:29.80
So I had another father
and that was my stepfather.
00:19:29.83\00:19:34.54
And the first 10 years or so,
00:19:34.57\00:19:37.61
it was misery for me
00:19:37.64\00:19:38.97
because here I
am, nine years old,
00:19:39.01\00:19:43.41
he comes into our
life, into my life,
00:19:43.45\00:19:46.65
basically forced
to call him daddy.
00:19:46.68\00:19:49.48
This is new to him also.
00:19:49.52\00:19:51.62
So we didn't get along
00:19:51.65\00:19:52.99
for the first 10
years, really didn't.
00:19:53.02\00:19:54.76
I mean we had some face to face,
00:19:54.79\00:19:56.89
we just didn't get along.
00:19:56.93\00:19:58.26
I saw him as a
neglectful father.
00:19:58.29\00:20:00.93
And he saw me probably as a pest
00:20:00.96\00:20:02.73
or whatever the case may be.
00:20:02.76\00:20:04.57
I mean, we were having
some problems in the home,
00:20:04.60\00:20:07.77
this is in the home.
00:20:07.80\00:20:09.24
So he could have been
like a deadbeat in the home.
00:20:09.27\00:20:12.97
But what happened
is, after a while,
00:20:13.01\00:20:16.11
I started listening to him,
00:20:16.14\00:20:19.31
asking him about his story.
00:20:19.35\00:20:22.08
And he would tell
me about his childhood
00:20:22.12\00:20:24.25
and how his
father was in his life.
00:20:24.29\00:20:27.09
And when he told me
00:20:27.12\00:20:28.46
about how his biological
father was not in his life,
00:20:28.49\00:20:32.29
involved in his life,
00:20:32.33\00:20:33.80
and then comparison
00:20:33.83\00:20:35.16
to what he was
trying to do with us,
00:20:35.20\00:20:37.07
I look back and
said, "Well, hold on,
00:20:37.10\00:20:39.07
this guy took me
out to basketball games.
00:20:39.10\00:20:41.74
We've played
basketball together.
00:20:41.77\00:20:43.94
We had celebrated
birthdays together."
00:20:43.97\00:20:46.24
I had a list of things.
00:20:46.27\00:20:49.41
I'm just, "He did this,
he did this, he did this."
00:20:49.44\00:20:52.31
And I started to
realize, "Hold on,
00:20:52.35\00:20:54.55
I never really
gave him a chance."
00:20:54.58\00:20:57.19
He was trying to do
his best from what he got,
00:20:57.22\00:21:03.32
he which was nothing.
00:21:03.36\00:21:04.96
But he was trying to
make the situation best.
00:21:04.99\00:21:07.63
And so the
restoration part for me
00:21:07.66\00:21:10.47
was by just simply
giving him the opportunity.
00:21:10.50\00:21:14.50
Now that's my dad.
00:21:14.54\00:21:16.74
If I have a problem as an adult
00:21:16.77\00:21:19.07
concerned with my marriage
or children, I call him.
00:21:19.11\00:21:22.61
If I just want
to talk, I call him.
00:21:22.64\00:21:24.98
That's my dad.
00:21:25.01\00:21:26.95
That's my dad. And
so that's restoration.
00:21:26.98\00:21:29.08
Give the person a
chance, forgive and forget.
00:21:29.12\00:21:30.89
We're not perfect.
00:21:30.92\00:21:32.39
We're not.
00:21:32.42\00:21:33.76
Right. Absolutely.
00:21:33.79\00:21:35.12
And I mean
00:21:35.16\00:21:36.49
we may have even within
our own church population,
00:21:36.52\00:21:38.79
our congregation fathers
who satisfy that definition.
00:21:38.83\00:21:43.90
Pastors themselves
have to be very careful
00:21:43.93\00:21:46.84
of not being absent or present
in terms of material support.
00:21:46.87\00:21:53.48
But absence as terms of
that intimate relationship
00:21:53.51\00:21:58.71
and bonding that
00:21:58.75\00:22:00.08
you need to have with your child
00:22:00.12\00:22:01.45
because we were always gone,
00:22:01.48\00:22:03.49
we were always somewhere else,
00:22:03.52\00:22:04.85
we always got a greater crisis,
00:22:04.89\00:22:06.29
we always got a
life and death situation
00:22:06.32\00:22:08.69
somewhere else,
00:22:08.72\00:22:10.06
you know, and
so on and so forth,
00:22:10.09\00:22:11.43
and so we too have to be careful
00:22:11.46\00:22:13.90
that we not make ourselves void
00:22:13.93\00:22:17.83
of that necessary
contribution of parenting.
00:22:17.87\00:22:20.14
But once again,
00:22:20.17\00:22:21.50
the men's ministry
group within your church...
00:22:21.54\00:22:24.34
If you don't have
one, try to start one,
00:22:24.37\00:22:27.64
you know,
because that male bonding
00:22:27.68\00:22:29.84
and that sharing
00:22:29.88\00:22:31.21
and that support
is crucial, you know?
00:22:31.25\00:22:35.02
For another man to sit
with you and hold hand and pray
00:22:35.05\00:22:38.55
and say you know, "I'm a friend
00:22:38.59\00:22:40.56
and I'm going to
help see you through this.
00:22:40.59\00:22:42.79
I'm going to help
pray you through this,"
00:22:42.82\00:22:45.29
that is very helpful.
00:22:45.33\00:22:46.66
And I learned the
hard way, brother.
00:22:46.70\00:22:48.33
I have confessed
00:22:48.36\00:22:50.83
I've had a lot of
fights in my life, right?
00:22:50.87\00:22:53.90
Most of my fights, I lost,
00:22:53.94\00:22:55.54
but the thing was I stood
up and I fought, you know?
00:22:55.57\00:22:59.91
Then in adulthood,
00:22:59.94\00:23:01.34
I adopted this
same fighting principle
00:23:01.38\00:23:04.28
even in the professional sense,
00:23:04.31\00:23:06.15
would be argument and
all this kind of stuff.
00:23:06.18\00:23:08.02
And I learned the hard way
00:23:08.05\00:23:11.25
that there are a
lot of situations
00:23:11.29\00:23:13.05
I can't win by my brawn,
my intellect, my cunningness,
00:23:13.09\00:23:18.16
my determination, my peruse,
and all that kind of stuff.
00:23:18.19\00:23:21.60
Only way I can get through this
00:23:21.63\00:23:23.33
is to get on my
knees and pray, you know?
00:23:23.37\00:23:26.30
Give it over to God,
00:23:26.33\00:23:28.34
those things that
are bigger than you.
00:23:28.37\00:23:29.87
I'm talking about the situations
00:23:29.90\00:23:31.24
where, you know,
00:23:31.27\00:23:32.61
let's say the
brother is innocent
00:23:32.64\00:23:33.98
so to speak is.
00:23:34.01\00:23:35.51
It's his ex that
won't let him see the child
00:23:35.54\00:23:37.61
or it's his current wife
00:23:37.65\00:23:39.08
that won't let him
see the child, you know,
00:23:39.11\00:23:40.82
or whatever other
limitations they may be,
00:23:40.85\00:23:42.75
you have got to pray,
00:23:42.78\00:23:44.55
you've got to get on your knees
00:23:44.59\00:23:46.25
and stay on your knees and pray.
00:23:46.29\00:23:48.29
Get even another
brother in the faith
00:23:48.32\00:23:51.93
or the family to pray with you.
00:23:51.96\00:23:55.13
But prayer changes things,
00:23:55.16\00:23:56.70
and if the prayer
doesn't change the situation,
00:23:56.73\00:23:59.60
certainly it will change us.
00:23:59.63\00:24:01.67
They're so critical, you know?
00:24:01.70\00:24:03.94
I remember my cousins.
00:24:03.97\00:24:06.98
They share with me.
00:24:07.01\00:24:08.38
You know, they were
a great support to me
00:24:08.41\00:24:10.05
when I was going
through my custody issues.
00:24:10.08\00:24:14.85
And they told me, you know,
00:24:14.88\00:24:16.22
"Xavier, you know,
our dad, your uncle,
00:24:16.25\00:24:19.32
if he just called us,
00:24:19.35\00:24:22.82
we don't want
anything extravagant from him.
00:24:22.86\00:24:27.10
We just want a phone call.
00:24:27.13\00:24:28.80
Just to call us and
see how we're doing.
00:24:28.83\00:24:31.80
He doesn't have to come visit.
00:24:31.83\00:24:33.50
You doesn't even have
to come for Christmas.
00:24:33.54\00:24:36.17
It's like, you know,
if he just call us and..."
00:24:36.20\00:24:40.78
A lot of times,
we forget about that
00:24:40.81\00:24:42.14
a phone call can go a long way,
00:24:42.18\00:24:45.51
just simple contact, you know?
00:24:45.55\00:24:47.92
I'm blessed to
be part of a group
00:24:47.95\00:24:49.88
called Fathers Rights Movement.
00:24:49.92\00:24:52.52
You know, advocating
the family court system
00:24:52.55\00:24:55.79
for equal rights because...
00:24:55.82\00:25:00.83
I can't even
begin to describe it,
00:25:00.86\00:25:02.86
you know, the emotional
trauma that you suffer,
00:25:02.90\00:25:06.53
and people think,
00:25:06.57\00:25:07.90
"You're bringing back as
your father, but it hurts.
00:25:07.94\00:25:11.51
And is there anything else
you guys would like to add?
00:25:11.54\00:25:15.01
Any other wisdom
from your experiences?
00:25:15.04\00:25:18.81
Yeah, just one
last thing real quick.
00:25:18.85\00:25:20.98
I just really want to thank
those fathers in the church
00:25:21.02\00:25:25.65
and my uncles for
stepping in the gap.
00:25:25.69\00:25:31.76
I just want to thank the pastors
00:25:31.79\00:25:33.80
that came to my church,
00:25:33.83\00:25:35.80
the elders, and my uncles,
they really saved my life,
00:25:35.83\00:25:40.17
you know, they
really saved my life.
00:25:40.20\00:25:41.87
They helped.
00:25:41.90\00:25:43.94
God snatched me out of darkness.
00:25:43.97\00:25:46.11
So I just want to
thank them, you know?
00:25:46.14\00:25:47.91
And that's what we need
to do, be father figures,
00:25:47.94\00:25:52.25
you know, righteous father
figures to those young men
00:25:52.28\00:25:54.55
and young ladies
00:25:54.58\00:25:56.22
in our churches,
in our communities.
00:25:56.25\00:25:57.92
Yeah.
00:25:57.95\00:25:59.29
And our fellow brethren,
00:25:59.32\00:26:00.66
who are fathers that
are not meeting the mark
00:26:00.69\00:26:03.02
so to speak,
mentorship goes a far way.
00:26:03.06\00:26:06.46
It's not just for
those who are younger,
00:26:06.49\00:26:08.90
but for the at-risk
population of fathers
00:26:08.93\00:26:12.00
that are dysfunctional.
00:26:12.03\00:26:16.60
Sharing the big
picture does help.
00:26:16.64\00:26:19.24
When I sit down
with that person,
00:26:19.27\00:26:21.08
whether this is
someone incarcerated
00:26:21.11\00:26:23.98
or someone that was
recently released from jail
00:26:24.01\00:26:27.35
or such, the big picture helps,
00:26:27.38\00:26:30.55
and that is to let them know,
00:26:30.59\00:26:32.32
look at what your
absence is contributing to.
00:26:32.35\00:26:36.06
So I show them the
plight of society in general,
00:26:36.09\00:26:38.29
I show them the
plight of our race,
00:26:38.33\00:26:40.30
the plight of our culture,
the plight of community.
00:26:40.33\00:26:43.97
And say, "All these
deficits that you can identify,
00:26:44.00\00:26:48.00
this is what
you're contributing to
00:26:48.04\00:26:49.67
and you can make that change."
00:26:49.70\00:26:51.07
I appreciate you
guys sharing with us.
00:26:51.11\00:26:53.38
I wish we had more
time, but we don't.
00:26:53.41\00:26:56.61
For the viewers out there,
00:26:56.64\00:26:58.91
you know, if you're,
let's say, a deadbeat father
00:26:58.95\00:27:01.72
because you chose not
to be in your child's life,
00:27:01.75\00:27:04.72
well, guess what,
even on your tombstone,
00:27:04.75\00:27:06.76
you'll still be a father.
00:27:06.79\00:27:08.12
We'll be still
labeled as a father
00:27:08.16\00:27:10.43
and your children
will walk a wreckage
00:27:10.46\00:27:12.13
because you were not there.
00:27:12.16\00:27:14.20
So do yourself a favor, step up,
00:27:14.23\00:27:16.46
even if it's just a phone call.
00:27:16.50\00:27:18.37
And for those fathers
that are not deadbeats
00:27:18.40\00:27:22.24
but you're
struggling through the system,
00:27:22.27\00:27:24.37
maybe you're struggling
spiritually, emotionally,
00:27:24.41\00:27:28.24
you know, it's
okay, don't give up.
00:27:28.28\00:27:31.05
Something that my wife
told me is to pray for my ex,
00:27:31.08\00:27:34.22
didn't make sense.
00:27:34.25\00:27:35.68
But I spend many
years, by the grace of God
00:27:35.72\00:27:38.02
we're having a great
co-parenting relationship,
00:27:38.05\00:27:41.02
and I see my
daughter whenever I want.
00:27:41.06\00:27:43.63
But that's only
by the grace of God.
00:27:43.66\00:27:46.16
So don't give up
hope, they need you.
00:27:46.19\00:27:48.70
Don't commit suicide because
you'll be gone eternally.
00:27:48.73\00:27:53.54
I get choked up
thinking about it.
00:27:53.57\00:27:55.77
Please just hang in there.
00:27:55.80\00:27:58.41
Do yourself a
favor. Become a father.
00:27:58.44\00:28:00.74
And god bless you.
Thank you for watching.
00:28:00.78\00:28:02.48