A good father
takes time to play.
00:00:01.36\00:00:05.47
He has strong integrity.
00:00:05.50\00:00:08.57
He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
00:00:08.60\00:00:12.31
He is not afraid
to show his love.
00:00:12.34\00:00:15.81
He is a caring provider.
00:00:15.84\00:00:18.98
And he's a kind
spiritual leader.
00:00:19.01\00:00:23.65
These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
00:00:23.69\00:00:28.32
Hi, welcome to A Father's Heart.
00:00:35.30\00:00:36.73
I'm your host Xavier.
00:00:36.77\00:00:38.23
And today we're
going to be talking
00:00:38.27\00:00:39.60
about temper,
how to deal with it,
00:00:39.63\00:00:41.20
how to control your temper,
00:00:41.24\00:00:43.10
and basically how to
teach your kids self-control
00:00:43.14\00:00:45.64
at times of stress.
00:00:45.67\00:00:47.04
And to talk about that
today are my two friends,
00:00:47.08\00:00:49.11
Gordon and Paul.
00:00:49.14\00:00:50.48
How are you guys
doing? We're doing good.
00:00:50.51\00:00:52.11
All right, good
to see you again.
00:00:52.15\00:00:53.48
Yes, you know, temper,
00:00:53.52\00:00:55.35
that's a, that's a
reality, that's an issue.
00:00:55.38\00:00:59.05
We all have it,
00:00:59.09\00:01:00.42
we all have to deal
with it in some level.
00:01:00.46\00:01:03.06
How do we teach our kids?
00:01:03.09\00:01:04.43
How do we, you
know, for me, it's like,
00:01:04.46\00:01:06.26
I'm passive until
something irks me.
00:01:06.29\00:01:09.80
And then I'm
like, ready to lose it.
00:01:09.83\00:01:12.70
You know, and I
just want to know,
00:01:12.73\00:01:14.57
how do you guys deal as
fathers with your tempers?
00:01:14.60\00:01:18.41
You have to model self-control.
00:01:18.44\00:01:21.78
As a parent, you can't
teach what you don't have.
00:01:21.81\00:01:24.65
So you got to be able to,
00:01:24.68\00:01:26.01
you know, teach your
children by modeling it,
00:01:26.05\00:01:28.38
even when you feel
emotionally charged,
00:01:28.42\00:01:30.99
and you want to,
00:01:31.02\00:01:32.35
you know, just go
off fly off the handle,
00:01:32.39\00:01:34.62
be able to always be
in control of yourself,
00:01:34.66\00:01:37.46
be able to pull back.
00:01:37.49\00:01:39.19
One of the games
that we used to play,
00:01:39.23\00:01:41.06
I don't know if
you guys remember,
00:01:41.10\00:01:42.43
this is 1, 2, 3 red light.
00:01:42.46\00:01:45.33
And
socio-psychologist says that,
00:01:45.37\00:01:47.64
you know that one game is
one of most effective games
00:01:47.67\00:01:50.71
to teach your
children self-control.
00:01:50.74\00:01:52.44
And I didn't even know that,
00:01:52.47\00:01:54.21
you know, it was a very way
by you can learn self-control,
00:01:54.24\00:01:57.91
because what it
teaches you, you know, 1, 2, 3,
00:01:57.95\00:02:00.48
well, it teaches you to freeze.
00:02:00.52\00:02:02.32
And so by that,
00:02:02.35\00:02:03.69
that is one of the effective way
00:02:03.72\00:02:05.05
to teach our child self-control,
00:02:05.09\00:02:06.42
but you got to
model it for your child.
00:02:06.45\00:02:09.69
Agreed, agreed.
00:02:09.72\00:02:11.43
Songwriter said were
it not for grace, right?
00:02:11.46\00:02:13.50
This is another
one of those areas
00:02:13.53\00:02:16.30
within parenting or fathering
where let's all face it,
00:02:16.33\00:02:20.64
we've all sinned
and fallen short,
00:02:20.67\00:02:23.30
terribly in some cases.
00:02:23.34\00:02:24.71
I shared at some time earlier
00:02:24.74\00:02:27.51
that even as a
trained professional,
00:02:27.54\00:02:31.95
as an educator of others,
00:02:31.98\00:02:33.72
teaching them the
proper effective ways
00:02:33.75\00:02:35.88
to parent and to
communicate with their children.
00:02:35.92\00:02:39.25
I have myself
failed at times, lost it.
00:02:39.29\00:02:45.79
So the application of grace
00:02:45.83\00:02:49.03
is essential to help us
through the consistency.
00:02:49.06\00:02:52.47
Don't feel
because you have messed up
00:02:52.50\00:02:55.07
at some point
00:02:55.10\00:02:56.97
that you can't
maintain this proper example
00:02:57.01\00:03:00.98
or this proper relationship
00:03:01.01\00:03:03.35
with your child
or your children.
00:03:03.38\00:03:06.41
We are near 100%
responsible in some sense
00:03:06.45\00:03:12.39
for their behavior,
00:03:12.42\00:03:13.76
because we're
modeling, you're modeling daily,
00:03:13.79\00:03:17.23
and you have to be
self-aware at all times
00:03:17.26\00:03:23.06
of how it is
you're presenting yourself
00:03:23.10\00:03:24.73
before your kids.
00:03:24.77\00:03:26.10
Right.
00:03:26.13\00:03:27.47
Even if it's a
conversation in a car,
00:03:27.50\00:03:29.10
you know, driving somewhere,
00:03:29.14\00:03:31.51
be ready and be
aware and be conscious
00:03:31.54\00:03:34.78
of how you present
yourself in front of your kids.
00:03:34.81\00:03:36.98
You know, and that's
good, because it is true,
00:03:37.01\00:03:40.05
we got to model, we
got to be self-conscious.
00:03:40.08\00:03:42.58
But you know, what
about the times that you,
00:03:42.62\00:03:44.39
that you're sick,
that you feel ill?
00:03:44.42\00:03:47.52
Or the times that you
know, it might be hot,
00:03:47.56\00:03:51.06
you know, where
the temperature is hot?
00:03:51.09\00:03:54.06
I know it might be something,
00:03:54.10\00:03:56.90
it might not mean
a big deal to some
00:03:56.93\00:03:58.77
but you know when you're
ill, when you don't feel well,
00:03:58.80\00:04:02.54
when you're
tired or when it's hot,
00:04:02.57\00:04:06.17
you know, the last
thing you want to do
00:04:06.21\00:04:07.54
is be bothered by
anything or anyone
00:04:07.58\00:04:11.05
you know and that goes for,
00:04:11.08\00:04:12.41
doesn't matter
if you're a pastor,
00:04:12.45\00:04:13.78
if you're a doctor, whomever,
00:04:13.82\00:04:16.25
you know, if you're a
father, and you feel this way,
00:04:16.28\00:04:19.39
what do you do to be,
00:04:19.42\00:04:20.76
I mean, you can be subconscious,
00:04:20.79\00:04:22.12
but what do you do?
00:04:22.16\00:04:23.49
What exactly do you do?
00:04:23.53\00:04:24.86
Self-control.
00:04:24.89\00:04:26.23
Self-control means to
stop and think before you act.
00:04:26.26\00:04:31.17
For example, I was one Saturday
came home from church, I was,
00:04:31.20\00:04:36.14
you know, kind of
agitated of a few things.
00:04:36.17\00:04:39.41
And my son was,
00:04:39.44\00:04:41.34
I don't remember how old he was.
00:04:41.38\00:04:43.45
He did something that was
00:04:43.48\00:04:45.35
I felt out of the
Sabbath character,
00:04:45.38\00:04:48.52
you know, and I lost it.
00:04:48.55\00:04:51.72
I lost it.
00:04:51.75\00:04:53.09
And I start to
spank him, to mean it,
00:04:53.12\00:04:57.29
to me a great degree
00:04:57.33\00:04:58.86
even when he kind of scratch
his feet on the rail of the bed
00:04:58.89\00:05:02.96
and he started to bleed.
00:05:03.00\00:05:04.33
I didn't even
stop because I lost it.
00:05:04.37\00:05:08.37
I should have stopped
and think before I act.
00:05:08.40\00:05:12.01
And in that way
00:05:12.04\00:05:13.38
I mean, I've been,
I felt so bad after.
00:05:13.41\00:05:17.35
But at the moment, as a parent,
00:05:17.38\00:05:19.45
when you feel enraged,
when you feel frustrated,
00:05:19.48\00:05:22.58
maybe just being
able to pull back
00:05:22.62\00:05:24.55
or take a walk
00:05:24.59\00:05:25.92
or just to pull off
instead of reacting,
00:05:25.95\00:05:29.26
it is the best way
to control yourself.
00:05:29.29\00:05:31.79
And when you do that,
you're modeling to that child.
00:05:31.83\00:05:34.90
You know how to behave,
00:05:34.93\00:05:36.26
you're modeling
self-control to that child,
00:05:36.30\00:05:37.67
so it is, I say walk away.
00:05:37.70\00:05:41.30
Some of us, we
have to break cycles.
00:05:41.34\00:05:43.41
Some of us,
let's speak the truth
00:05:43.44\00:05:45.11
much of that was nurtured.
00:05:45.14\00:05:47.08
So this is the way our parents
00:05:47.11\00:05:48.88
and our
grandparents disciplined us,
00:05:48.91\00:05:50.85
it became the norm.
00:05:50.88\00:05:53.35
The norm for my culture,
00:05:53.38\00:05:55.48
you know, before I
came to the US was,
00:05:55.52\00:05:57.52
you got a flogging
00:05:57.55\00:05:59.42
and you got a verbal
reprimand at the same type,
00:05:59.45\00:06:03.26
intermittent of the strokes.
00:06:03.29\00:06:05.39
I told you, don't
you ever try to testify.
00:06:05.43\00:06:08.93
Do it again, you know.
00:06:08.96\00:06:11.10
He's testifying.
00:06:11.13\00:06:12.47
I'm testifying. Okay, so.
00:06:12.50\00:06:15.00
Yeah, yeah, be angry and sin
not even the Word of God says,
00:06:15.04\00:06:18.97
you know, we have
to break those cycles.
00:06:19.01\00:06:21.74
And we have to demonstrate
the meekness of Christ.
00:06:21.78\00:06:25.81
How do you present
yourself as an authority figure,
00:06:25.85\00:06:28.22
as a parent
without being overbearing,
00:06:28.25\00:06:31.55
intimidating, abusive, etc, etc.
00:06:31.59\00:06:35.62
Some of us can
do much as fathers
00:06:35.66\00:06:38.73
in learning parental principle,
proper parental principles,
00:06:38.76\00:06:43.06
or proper
principles of discipline.
00:06:43.10\00:06:46.10
One that I like to
share with former clients
00:06:46.13\00:06:48.97
is what we call in
parenting, democratic parenting.
00:06:49.00\00:06:52.87
This involves
giving your child options
00:06:52.91\00:06:56.48
as opposed to shutting them down
00:06:56.51\00:06:58.45
with a specific command.
00:06:58.48\00:07:00.48
So instead of
saying to your child,
00:07:00.52\00:07:03.39
you better stop that boy,
you better stop that right now,
00:07:03.42\00:07:06.45
I swear, if you put one,
00:07:06.49\00:07:07.89
if you drop that
toy one more time,
00:07:07.92\00:07:10.26
so then that's it,
00:07:10.29\00:07:11.63
you've established
00:07:11.66\00:07:12.99
a zero-tolerance
environment immediately.
00:07:13.03\00:07:16.40
So if that child drops
it by accident, he's done.
00:07:16.43\00:07:19.93
What would be a better option
would be to say to the child
00:07:19.97\00:07:24.07
in presenting an option
would be to say to the child,
00:07:24.11\00:07:28.61
either you stop
playing with your toys
00:07:28.64\00:07:30.85
in that manner,
00:07:30.88\00:07:32.28
or you put them away,
what's it going to be?
00:07:32.31\00:07:34.98
This way,
00:07:35.02\00:07:36.35
you're giving
the child an option.
00:07:36.38\00:07:38.09
Of course, we're now talking
about children, maybe age,
00:07:38.12\00:07:41.22
toddlerhood to
about age 10 or 12,
00:07:41.26\00:07:43.06
or something like that,
00:07:43.09\00:07:44.43
you know, giving them options,
00:07:44.46\00:07:45.79
it helps to
defuse the situation,
00:07:45.83\00:07:47.96
it removes you from
that face to face standoff
00:07:48.00\00:07:53.10
where you have given
the child, no ultimatum,
00:07:53.13\00:07:55.74
and you've basically said,
00:07:55.77\00:07:57.47
push the
button, I'm ready to go.
00:07:57.51\00:07:59.47
You see, don't want to do that.
00:07:59.51\00:08:01.04
You know, you
don't want to do that.
00:08:01.08\00:08:02.41
I remember that
because it's, like you said,
00:08:02.44\00:08:04.55
it's learned behavior.
00:08:04.58\00:08:05.91
You know, for me, it's like,
00:08:05.95\00:08:07.28
I remember my mom
had a different way
00:08:07.32\00:08:09.25
of my dad doing it.
00:08:09.28\00:08:10.72
Anytime I did something wrong,
00:08:10.75\00:08:13.59
I would see my dad
just walk away silently
00:08:13.62\00:08:15.62
and I hear, I would
hear the belt buckle
00:08:15.66\00:08:18.33
coming off the hanger,
00:08:18.36\00:08:19.96
because that leather belt
were of cowboys and Indians
00:08:20.00\00:08:22.06
and I stir my brain,
that would anoint me.
00:08:22.10\00:08:26.23
And you know, it would hurt.
00:08:26.27\00:08:29.37
You know, yes, it
got the point across
00:08:29.40\00:08:31.31
but like you said, you
know, breaking the cycle,
00:08:31.34\00:08:33.94
and finding that
balance because my mom was,
00:08:33.98\00:08:37.21
she terrified me
more than my dad.
00:08:37.25\00:08:39.41
Because she gave me the look,
she just gave me a few words.
00:08:39.45\00:08:43.59
And she'd sleep
with one eye open.
00:08:43.62\00:08:46.72
I tell you, man, I was
like, okay, yes, ma'am.
00:08:46.76\00:08:49.56
No, ma'am.
00:08:49.59\00:08:50.93
You know, and
that's one thing I learned
00:08:50.96\00:08:52.29
what to have that balance
00:08:52.33\00:08:53.66
like for my
five-year-old daughter,
00:08:53.70\00:08:55.06
my wife and I,
00:08:55.10\00:08:56.43
we got tired of
her wetting the bed.
00:08:56.46\00:08:58.20
She was like, three
and a half, four years old,
00:08:58.23\00:09:00.90
we got tired of it.
00:09:00.94\00:09:02.40
And instead of resorting
00:09:02.44\00:09:04.01
to any measures
that would amplify,
00:09:04.04\00:09:07.38
you know, or
basically make her feel bad
00:09:07.41\00:09:12.25
for that,
00:09:12.28\00:09:13.62
you know, guilty
00:09:13.65\00:09:14.98
or anything for
something that some
00:09:15.02\00:09:16.35
you know, some children do.
00:09:16.38\00:09:17.72
We opted to have
her be responsible.
00:09:17.75\00:09:20.86
So she knew
00:09:20.89\00:09:22.22
she was supposed to
get up in the morning
00:09:22.26\00:09:23.59
if she wet the bed
and wash her own clothes,
00:09:23.63\00:09:26.16
we're not
touching those clothes.
00:09:26.19\00:09:27.83
And that she
learned responsibility
00:09:27.86\00:09:30.07
for her own
actions to the point that
00:09:30.10\00:09:31.63
shortly thereafter she stopped
wetting the bed altogether,
00:09:31.67\00:09:33.54
because she got tired
of washing her clothes,
00:09:33.57\00:09:35.60
no spanking, no
timeouts, no nothing.
00:09:35.64\00:09:37.64
And I think that's also critical
00:09:37.67\00:09:39.67
in teaching our children,
00:09:39.71\00:09:41.94
but one question I had for you.
00:09:41.98\00:09:44.75
We talked about us,
you know, and our children,
00:09:44.78\00:09:48.28
but what about when
somebody from outside
00:09:48.32\00:09:52.79
you have to deal with them
00:09:52.82\00:09:54.92
because of something
they did, maybe to you,
00:09:54.96\00:09:57.03
to somebody else
00:09:57.06\00:09:58.39
that got under
your skin to the point
00:09:58.43\00:10:01.43
where you are
about to lose your mind?
00:10:01.46\00:10:04.30
How do you model that
for your kids to learn
00:10:04.33\00:10:06.17
how you deal with situations?
00:10:06.20\00:10:08.04
I think you have to
even be more careful
00:10:08.07\00:10:10.94
when it's somebody
outside of your family,
00:10:10.97\00:10:13.31
you still need to
be able to pull back
00:10:13.34\00:10:16.18
and take a timeout,
give yourself a timeout,
00:10:16.21\00:10:20.85
before you can solidly
deal with whatever it is.
00:10:20.88\00:10:24.12
You can deal with
a situation better
00:10:24.15\00:10:27.52
by being, having clear thoughts.
00:10:27.56\00:10:29.49
So you can dialogue better
because when you're angry,
00:10:29.52\00:10:31.76
another person's
angry, nothing gets done,
00:10:31.79\00:10:34.60
nothing gets accomplished.
00:10:34.63\00:10:35.96
You're going, you
know, you going at them,
00:10:36.00\00:10:38.87
they going at,
nothing gets accomplished.
00:10:38.90\00:10:40.94
You can better get
something accomplished
00:10:40.97\00:10:42.97
if you can pull back,
collect your thoughts,
00:10:43.00\00:10:46.61
and then deal with the issue,
00:10:46.64\00:10:48.71
then you can get
something out of it.
00:10:48.74\00:10:50.15
So I think that's what you do
00:10:50.18\00:10:51.71
as a parent or as an
individual, pull back.
00:10:51.75\00:10:55.78
A counselor once shared
with me at a younger age,
00:10:55.82\00:10:58.35
even within my own
challenges with anger,
00:10:58.39\00:11:00.92
that each time I am
engaging, my spouse,
00:11:00.96\00:11:04.46
this was to minimize conflict
between my spouse and I,
00:11:04.49\00:11:07.53
each time you're
engaging your spouse,
00:11:07.56\00:11:09.40
imagine that
you're speaking to a CEO,
00:11:09.43\00:11:13.17
a superior within
your organization,
00:11:13.20\00:11:15.87
Your vice
president, your president,
00:11:15.90\00:11:17.87
your CEO, your FEO, whatever,
00:11:17.91\00:11:20.48
you know,
imagine that person did
00:11:20.51\00:11:22.71
something wrong,
00:11:22.74\00:11:24.08
that person did something
00:11:24.11\00:11:25.45
that bothered you to some extent
00:11:25.48\00:11:26.82
that you're now standing in
the office of the president.
00:11:26.85\00:11:30.82
Just opened the
door and he said,
00:11:30.85\00:11:32.92
come on in Paul, have a seat,
00:11:32.95\00:11:34.39
you know, how are
you going to engage
00:11:34.42\00:11:36.86
this disgruntled
matter, you know.
00:11:36.89\00:11:39.66
Regardless of how angry you are,
00:11:39.69\00:11:41.20
you're going to try
to engage it with poise.
00:11:41.23\00:11:43.47
Well, you need to do the
same thing within the home,
00:11:43.50\00:11:46.13
you need to be able
to convey your words,
00:11:46.17\00:11:50.67
and say how you feel
00:11:50.71\00:11:52.84
as opposed to what
we often do wrongly,
00:11:52.87\00:11:55.91
act how we feel.
00:11:55.94\00:11:57.75
So don't act how you
feel, say how you feel.
00:11:57.78\00:12:00.45
And another thing I
look how I view it sometimes,
00:12:00.48\00:12:03.22
and I share this with
my members in my family.
00:12:03.25\00:12:07.82
If I'm going at you, I'm
going at the child of God.
00:12:07.86\00:12:12.69
And so whatever
I'm going to do to you
00:12:12.73\00:12:17.67
is the Jesus in you that
I'm eventually attacking.
00:12:17.70\00:12:22.97
So when you look at it that way,
00:12:23.00\00:12:24.41
from my perspective,
00:12:24.44\00:12:26.04
I think twice before
00:12:26.07\00:12:28.21
because I know that I'm,
00:12:28.24\00:12:29.94
it's not just, it's
not just the person,
00:12:29.98\00:12:32.11
not just Paul,
it's not just Xavier,
00:12:32.15\00:12:34.12
is the Jesus that
is in you that I am,
00:12:34.15\00:12:36.99
because you are a child of God,
you are a child of the King.
00:12:37.02\00:12:39.82
So you don't mess
with God's children.
00:12:39.85\00:12:41.86
To be honest with you,
00:12:41.89\00:12:43.22
you know, I still
struggle with my temper daily.
00:12:43.26\00:12:46.59
You know, it's gotten
easier with my family,
00:12:46.63\00:12:49.23
and I don't worry about as much,
00:12:49.26\00:12:50.60
but I'm not going to lie, man,
00:12:50.63\00:12:52.03
there's certain
times I still, to this day,
00:12:52.07\00:12:55.00
I feel like the
unconverted Peter.
00:12:55.04\00:12:57.34
Mercy.
00:12:57.37\00:12:58.71
You know, just,
I'm ready to go out
00:12:58.74\00:13:00.88
and launches out there,
00:13:00.91\00:13:02.24
somebody that just irks me,
00:13:02.28\00:13:03.98
especially if I'm
driving on the road,
00:13:04.01\00:13:06.18
somebody, you know, is,
00:13:06.21\00:13:08.35
has a bad
relationship with the gas pedal.
00:13:08.38\00:13:11.85
And they love the brake pedal.
00:13:11.89\00:13:13.59
I'm like, you
know, I'm just ready,
00:13:13.62\00:13:15.76
ready to rumble.
00:13:15.79\00:13:17.13
And it's something
that I've learned recently,
00:13:17.16\00:13:20.96
was the concept of patience.
00:13:21.00\00:13:23.60
Patience transcends
so many different things.
00:13:23.63\00:13:26.70
And it looks
many different ways.
00:13:26.74\00:13:28.37
And in the Bible is
described in many different ways
00:13:28.40\00:13:30.44
such as
steadfast, long-suffering,
00:13:30.47\00:13:34.71
you know,
patience goes a long way.
00:13:34.74\00:13:36.51
And there are times
where I still get very upset,
00:13:36.54\00:13:40.45
very angry.
00:13:40.48\00:13:41.82
But one thing
I've learned to do,
00:13:41.85\00:13:43.18
because of my dad,
00:13:43.22\00:13:44.55
my dad was always
very temperamental.
00:13:44.59\00:13:46.62
But he said, you know,
"Son, don't let it take you
00:13:46.65\00:13:48.46
as long as I did
to figure it out."
00:13:48.49\00:13:50.86
They were, from
now and I see my kids
00:13:50.89\00:13:53.43
and it's kind of
like a genetic trait,
00:13:53.46\00:13:55.73
that, way to go.
00:13:55.76\00:13:57.60
So I'm learning,
putting myself in check,
00:13:57.63\00:14:00.47
because of my kids,
00:14:00.50\00:14:01.97
because I don't want them
to go through the struggles
00:14:02.00\00:14:03.77
I went through.
00:14:03.81\00:14:05.31
And that's one thing,
you know, in the seminary,
00:14:05.34\00:14:08.41
almost got in a
couple fights in there.
00:14:08.44\00:14:10.85
Because I just didn't like
00:14:10.88\00:14:12.21
the way they were talking to me.
00:14:12.25\00:14:13.92
You know, and I'm
still in that mode of,
00:14:13.95\00:14:15.68
you know, we handled things
differently on the street.
00:14:15.72\00:14:19.39
We're going to do
some street justice,
00:14:19.42\00:14:21.09
you can't talk to me like that.
00:14:21.12\00:14:22.66
We want to handle that outside.
00:14:22.69\00:14:24.56
You know, but God showed me
00:14:24.59\00:14:25.93
that one thing
that I really love,
00:14:25.96\00:14:28.93
love, love about God
00:14:28.96\00:14:30.47
is that He doesn't need
you to have it figured out.
00:14:30.50\00:14:35.07
He don't need you
to have figured out
00:14:35.10\00:14:37.01
and I've taken refuge
00:14:37.04\00:14:38.64
in the conversion process
of Peter, James and John,
00:14:38.67\00:14:43.08
the three angriest individuals
in the disciple group,
00:14:43.11\00:14:47.18
yet the ones that
were closest to Jesus,
00:14:47.22\00:14:49.72
you know, and that's one thing
00:14:49.75\00:14:51.09
I always try to teach
my girls is like, don't...
00:14:51.12\00:14:54.86
when you're
angry, call out to Jesus.
00:14:54.89\00:14:58.36
It may not make
sense to anybody else,
00:14:58.39\00:15:00.33
but it doesn't need
to make sense to them,
00:15:00.36\00:15:01.70
it needs to make sense to you.
00:15:01.73\00:15:03.73
And you know, yeah, and
it's by the grace of God,
00:15:03.77\00:15:06.30
I've gotten to be more patient
00:15:06.33\00:15:09.50
with circumstances that before
00:15:09.54\00:15:11.71
would have just made me angry,
now I'm like, hey, whatever,
00:15:11.74\00:15:14.61
and how do you,
what do you do with it?
00:15:14.64\00:15:17.05
I think there's two
texts that I want to share.
00:15:17.08\00:15:19.91
Proverbs 29:11,
00:15:19.95\00:15:22.58
a fool gives vent to his anger
00:15:22.62\00:15:25.69
but a wise man keeps
himself on the control,
00:15:25.72\00:15:29.46
that's a New
International Version.
00:15:29.49\00:15:30.93
So that's one and another text
is Paul puts in Galatians 5,
00:15:30.96\00:15:34.53
we notice what?
00:15:34.56\00:15:35.90
Fruits of the Spirit, love,
joy, peace, long-suffering,
00:15:35.93\00:15:39.03
patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,
00:15:39.07\00:15:41.57
gentleness, self-control.
00:15:41.60\00:15:44.51
It's there that we have
to have the self-control.
00:15:44.54\00:15:48.84
We cannot be foolish to
just give vent our anger,
00:15:48.88\00:15:53.35
we must exercise this
attitude of self-control.
00:15:53.38\00:15:57.79
So we've got to pray for this
for the fruits of the Spirit.
00:15:57.82\00:16:01.02
We have to pray for peace.
We have to pray for patience.
00:16:01.06\00:16:04.23
We have to pray for self-control
00:16:04.26\00:16:05.89
and I believe that if
we pray for these things,
00:16:05.93\00:16:09.76
Jesus will give it to us,
because that's what He's about.
00:16:09.80\00:16:13.03
Look how many
things He suffered,
00:16:13.07\00:16:16.57
but yet was able to
keep Himself together.
00:16:16.60\00:16:19.57
And I do believe that
with His righteousness,
00:16:19.61\00:16:22.38
with Him inside of us we
can exercise these virtues.
00:16:22.41\00:16:27.88
Absolutely.
00:16:27.92\00:16:29.25
Amen. Amen. Well said.
00:16:29.28\00:16:31.69
I think also, one
of our areas of failure
00:16:31.72\00:16:37.26
happens when we assume
00:16:37.29\00:16:39.79
there's
comprehension or understanding
00:16:39.83\00:16:41.86
of a particular matter
that we don't agree with.
00:16:41.90\00:16:43.73
It's both within parenting,
00:16:43.77\00:16:46.33
you know, the way we
interact with our children,
00:16:46.37\00:16:48.47
as well as our
general community.
00:16:48.50\00:16:51.14
Most of us as parents at
time tend to treat our children,
00:16:51.17\00:16:54.48
especially
toddlers, as little adults.
00:16:54.51\00:16:57.35
So we assume they have
our level of comprehension
00:16:57.38\00:17:01.85
of a particular subject matter
or practice that's routine.
00:17:01.88\00:17:06.55
What we have to realize is,
00:17:06.59\00:17:07.92
it's been routine
a lot longer for us.
00:17:07.96\00:17:10.19
So it's very elementary for us.
00:17:10.23\00:17:12.59
It may still be a factor
that's a developing skill
00:17:12.63\00:17:16.10
within a toddler
or even a young child.
00:17:16.13\00:17:19.00
So we need to dismiss
the young adult principle.
00:17:19.03\00:17:21.54
Stop assuming that
children are little adults
00:17:21.57\00:17:24.01
that they have the same
level of cognitive awareness
00:17:24.04\00:17:28.38
or understanding that you do,
and the same for your neighbor.
00:17:28.41\00:17:32.38
It's often when we
have conflict socially,
00:17:32.41\00:17:35.08
is because the first
thing that registers in our mind
00:17:35.12\00:17:37.82
with our spouse, child,
00:17:37.85\00:17:39.49
or the
individual on the outside is
00:17:39.52\00:17:41.22
this person should know better.
00:17:41.26\00:17:43.53
And it's the fact
that they don't know better
00:17:43.56\00:17:45.76
that frustrates us,
00:17:45.79\00:17:47.73
then we get into a
conflict situation.
00:17:47.76\00:17:51.10
However, most
conflict situations
00:17:51.13\00:17:53.50
or rather many
conflict situations
00:17:53.54\00:17:55.97
actually are
situations that we cannot win.
00:17:56.00\00:17:59.97
We think so in our mind,
by how we define winning,
00:18:00.01\00:18:03.45
but in actuality, you lose
00:18:03.48\00:18:06.58
even when you
think you have won.
00:18:06.61\00:18:08.68
So which one of
us would be walking
00:18:08.72\00:18:10.39
into Walmart one day.
00:18:10.42\00:18:11.79
Let's take you for example,
you walked me into Walmart,
00:18:11.82\00:18:14.39
and a 10-year-old boy,
00:18:14.42\00:18:17.03
who happens to be
very tall for his age.
00:18:17.06\00:18:19.76
He's taller than you were,
these phrases I don't know,
00:18:19.79\00:18:22.10
whatever, you
know, Gordan's height.
00:18:22.13\00:18:23.73
Just walks up to you
and he starts eyeballing you
00:18:23.77\00:18:25.60
and he says, "Man,
yeah, I wish you would,
00:18:25.63\00:18:27.64
I wish you would even
try it man, of course.
00:18:27.67\00:18:29.40
Yeah, you is the one
00:18:29.44\00:18:30.77
that walked in front
of me in a line last week
00:18:30.81\00:18:32.14
when I was out in mall.
00:18:32.17\00:18:33.51
You want to try
something now, man."
00:18:33.54\00:18:34.88
You know, he turns
around, turning his fist,
00:18:34.91\00:18:37.31
"Yo, yo, hold on
that, hold my jacket."
00:18:37.35\00:18:39.41
Takes off his jacket,
takes off his hat and say,
00:18:39.45\00:18:41.98
"Come on, man, was up,
you want to try this now?"
00:18:42.02\00:18:44.52
There you are.
00:18:44.55\00:18:45.89
And you are
30-year-old individual
00:18:45.92\00:18:48.46
walking into Walmart.
00:18:48.49\00:18:49.82
Would you stop
and fight this kid?
00:18:49.86\00:18:51.69
Yes or no?
00:18:51.73\00:18:53.06
Probably not. Probably not.
00:18:53.09\00:18:54.43
What I think about it.
00:18:54.46\00:18:55.83
Where I think
about taking off my belt,
00:18:55.86\00:18:58.03
whopping him right then
in the middle of parking lot.
00:18:58.07\00:18:59.77
Okay, we're talking about,
00:18:59.80\00:19:01.14
again, we're talking
about winning or losing, right?
00:19:01.17\00:19:03.74
So let's say even gets
as far as he pokes you,
00:19:03.77\00:19:06.27
you know, gives a
little poke in your shoulder
00:19:06.31\00:19:07.81
or something like that.
00:19:07.84\00:19:09.18
Would you fight the kid then?
00:19:09.21\00:19:10.55
More, most of us, of
course, the answer is no.
00:19:10.58\00:19:13.35
And because we're talking
about winning that battle.
00:19:13.38\00:19:15.38
If you fight the kid,
00:19:15.42\00:19:17.49
you say how dare
this kid disrespect me
00:19:17.52\00:19:18.95
and then you turn
and you jump on him.
00:19:18.99\00:19:20.89
Put your foot behind him,
00:19:20.92\00:19:22.26
do your little
law enforcement trick
00:19:22.29\00:19:23.63
that you learned,
put him flat in his back.
00:19:23.66\00:19:25.29
He starts to fumble or whatever.
00:19:25.33\00:19:27.23
You have lost the battle,
00:19:27.26\00:19:28.90
because people
surround you are going to say,
00:19:28.93\00:19:30.30
look at you beat whooping
on that 10-year-old kid.
00:19:30.33\00:19:33.54
What's wrong with you?
00:19:33.57\00:19:34.90
Now worse to that
00:19:34.94\00:19:36.27
if you challenged
the kid to the fight,
00:19:36.30\00:19:37.64
you hit him back,
00:19:37.67\00:19:39.01
the two of you on
the ground tumbling,
00:19:39.04\00:19:40.38
kid flips you over and
gets the better of you.
00:19:40.41\00:19:43.51
Look at you letting that
10-year old kid whip you.
00:19:43.55\00:19:45.75
You should be
00:19:45.78\00:19:47.12
you know, it's a
no-win situation.
00:19:47.15\00:19:49.08
If you win, you get up,
00:19:49.12\00:19:50.45
police puts you in
handcuffs and they carry away.
00:19:50.49\00:19:52.22
The same thing
happens in our home often.
00:19:52.25\00:19:55.49
Our children don't
have the physical strength
00:19:55.52\00:19:59.83
and for sure, they
don't have the intellectual,
00:19:59.86\00:20:02.26
sometimes I wonder.
00:20:02.30\00:20:03.90
But what they do know
is how to push your button.
00:20:03.93\00:20:07.74
They know how to bring you down
00:20:07.77\00:20:09.60
to their level.
00:20:09.64\00:20:11.17
Babies as well,
00:20:11.21\00:20:12.54
they know the most powerful tool
00:20:12.57\00:20:13.91
they have is
that scream, that cry,
00:20:13.94\00:20:15.28
you can't handle their crying.
00:20:15.31\00:20:16.64
They're going to cry
until they get you to do
00:20:16.68\00:20:18.31
what it is that
they want you to do.
00:20:18.35\00:20:20.32
Spouses do the
same thing at times.
00:20:20.35\00:20:22.52
And neighbors do
the same thing at times.
00:20:22.55\00:20:24.25
People know how
to push your button.
00:20:24.29\00:20:26.22
So it's about not
letting an individual
00:20:26.25\00:20:28.62
draw us down to their level,
00:20:28.66\00:20:31.29
we have to remain
cognizant of what he just shared
00:20:31.33\00:20:34.40
in terms of
00:20:34.43\00:20:35.76
what is the character of Christ,
00:20:35.80\00:20:37.40
how Christ would act
00:20:37.43\00:20:38.80
and relate to
this matter of conflict
00:20:38.83\00:20:40.87
and try our
best to emulate that.
00:20:40.90\00:20:42.74
Otherwise, we end up
in no-win situations,
00:20:42.77\00:20:44.71
even when we
think we are winning.
00:20:44.74\00:20:46.37
Because you know, we
can only control ourselves,
00:20:46.41\00:20:48.58
you can't control,
00:20:48.61\00:20:49.94
we can't control
someone else's actions.
00:20:49.98\00:20:51.85
So however, that an
individual is behaving,
00:20:51.88\00:20:54.52
you can't control that.
00:20:54.55\00:20:56.08
But you can
always control yourself
00:20:56.12\00:20:58.29
and how you
behave and how you react.
00:20:58.32\00:21:00.66
I think it's critical too
because even on a medical,
00:21:00.69\00:21:04.43
from medical standpoint,
you know, as they call it,
00:21:04.46\00:21:07.40
type A personalities.
00:21:07.43\00:21:09.36
Type A personalities,
00:21:09.40\00:21:10.73
you know, they can
lead to a heart attack,
00:21:10.77\00:21:13.54
they can lead to a
lot of health issues
00:21:13.57\00:21:16.60
for no reason.
00:21:16.64\00:21:18.31
For no reason and getting angry
00:21:18.34\00:21:20.38
over situations you
can't control nor change.
00:21:20.41\00:21:23.28
You know, I've learned
a couple key facts is that
00:21:23.31\00:21:26.95
is not how the
situation affects you,
00:21:26.98\00:21:29.88
it's how you respond.
00:21:29.92\00:21:31.72
You know, and it's
not, and one of my friends,
00:21:31.75\00:21:33.56
colleagues from
seminary, he pulled me aside,
00:21:33.59\00:21:37.49
he's a retired Marine.
00:21:37.53\00:21:39.59
And I'm like, best
advice in the world right there.
00:21:39.63\00:21:42.40
He said to me, he
gave me the lowdown
00:21:42.43\00:21:45.20
on how he overcame aside from,
00:21:45.23\00:21:48.64
you know, being a Christian
and clinging on to God,
00:21:48.67\00:21:51.14
he learned that,
00:21:51.17\00:21:52.51
you know, temper is
like a pot of boiling water.
00:21:52.54\00:21:55.54
Don't let it start
getting to the bubbling phase.
00:21:55.58\00:21:58.45
When it starts
bubbling, then it can boil over.
00:21:58.48\00:22:01.38
And that's when issues happen.
00:22:01.42\00:22:02.75
So there's a lot of
different techniques.
00:22:02.78\00:22:06.22
And it's important
that we teach our kids
00:22:06.25\00:22:08.12
and we model for
our kids that as well.
00:22:08.16\00:22:11.66
I don't know what
else do you guys do?
00:22:11.69\00:22:13.26
What else do
you recommend? What?
00:22:13.29\00:22:14.66
Go ahead. Sorry.
00:22:14.70\00:22:17.07
I like to share with my
child my own learning lessons.
00:22:17.10\00:22:20.94
One of them that
I remember clearly,
00:22:20.97\00:22:23.20
I maybe was about 18 or 19.
00:22:23.24\00:22:25.37
Driving in Brooklyn,
00:22:25.41\00:22:26.74
I share with you
all my challenges
00:22:26.78\00:22:28.41
with law enforcement as a teen.
00:22:28.44\00:22:30.25
And they were ones
that were bitterly terrible.
00:22:30.28\00:22:32.51
And they were ones
00:22:32.55\00:22:33.88
that I really
learned something from,
00:22:33.92\00:22:35.25
this was one of them.
00:22:35.28\00:22:36.62
I ran a red light.
00:22:36.65\00:22:38.35
I'm approaching an intersection.
00:22:38.39\00:22:41.22
And the light
was yellow, not red.
00:22:41.26\00:22:46.43
And so I stepped on the gas
00:22:46.46\00:22:49.66
and proceeded to
get through light
00:22:49.70\00:22:51.73
before it turned red.
00:22:51.77\00:22:53.17
What I didn't know
00:22:53.20\00:22:54.54
there were some
officers in a lot
00:22:54.57\00:22:56.07
somewhere across observing this.
00:22:56.10\00:22:57.61
Now, I didn't go
through the red light,
00:22:57.64\00:23:00.18
but the problem was I
had a little sports car,
00:23:00.21\00:23:02.44
was playing my music,
00:23:02.48\00:23:04.61
and I put some
horsepower to that pedal
00:23:04.65\00:23:07.65
when I went
through the intersection.
00:23:07.68\00:23:09.42
Policeman came on
and started pursuing me.
00:23:09.45\00:23:11.55
I was playing my music
so loud, couldn't see it,
00:23:11.59\00:23:14.52
I didn't even know
I was being followed.
00:23:14.56\00:23:16.86
They were following me
or chasing me for a good
00:23:16.89\00:23:19.13
maybe five minutes
before I stopped for a light.
00:23:19.16\00:23:23.37
And when I stopped for the light
00:23:23.40\00:23:24.73
that's when they were
finally able to maneuver
00:23:24.77\00:23:26.10
traffic and capture.
00:23:26.13\00:23:27.47
Okay, they're
upset at this point.
00:23:27.50\00:23:29.20
And I remember
another civilian car over
00:23:29.24\00:23:31.24
was laughing at the cop
00:23:31.27\00:23:32.61
when he came out
the car, that boy,
00:23:32.64\00:23:33.98
y'all would have
never caught that boy
00:23:34.01\00:23:35.34
if it wasn't for that red light.
00:23:35.38\00:23:36.71
Oh man. He was gone.
00:23:36.75\00:23:38.08
He was gone. Yeah,
that was my intent.
00:23:38.11\00:23:39.95
The officer was angry.
00:23:39.98\00:23:41.35
Roll on window,
officer grabbed me,
00:23:41.38\00:23:42.75
started pulling me
through the window,
00:23:42.78\00:23:44.95
even with my seatbelt still on
00:23:44.99\00:23:46.92
punching me, elbowing
me, all this kind of stuff.
00:23:46.96\00:23:49.09
And then a sergeant
came, an older officer.
00:23:49.12\00:23:52.29
And once the
sergeant came, he stopped.
00:23:52.33\00:23:54.23
He started to be
a little different,
00:23:54.26\00:23:55.83
but this
sergeant who looked like
00:23:55.86\00:23:58.03
he was about maybe in the 60s,
00:23:58.07\00:24:00.17
came in, he
leaned on the window,
00:24:00.20\00:24:01.54
and I was complaining him
00:24:01.57\00:24:02.90
about how the other officer
treated me and all of this.
00:24:02.94\00:24:04.77
And I told him
00:24:04.81\00:24:06.14
I wasn't trying to
get away from y'all,
00:24:06.17\00:24:07.51
I didn't even know
y'all was following me, man.
00:24:07.54\00:24:09.31
You don't tell the officer this.
00:24:09.34\00:24:10.88
Officer said, "Yes,
but we were following you
00:24:10.91\00:24:12.88
because you must
have hit about 80
00:24:12.91\00:24:15.52
when you went
through that that light."
00:24:15.55\00:24:17.05
I said, "But I
didn't run the light.
00:24:17.09\00:24:18.59
I didn't run the light.
00:24:18.62\00:24:19.95
I know it was yellow
when I went on under it,
00:24:19.99\00:24:22.46
it wasn't red.
00:24:22.49\00:24:23.83
I swear it wasn't red."
00:24:23.86\00:24:25.19
He says, "That's not the point."
00:24:25.23\00:24:26.56
The point I'm trying to tell you
00:24:26.59\00:24:27.93
and he used this word, son.
00:24:27.96\00:24:30.03
He said, "Son,
00:24:30.07\00:24:31.40
the point I'm trying
to get you to understand
00:24:31.43\00:24:33.23
is why did you need
to go through the light?
00:24:33.27\00:24:36.30
I mean, why did it
matter to that extent?
00:24:36.34\00:24:38.27
Are you going to see someone
00:24:38.31\00:24:39.64
in the hospital
that that's dying?
00:24:39.67\00:24:41.11
Or are you late for
work or whatever it is.
00:24:41.14\00:24:45.21
The question I
have to ask you is
00:24:45.25\00:24:47.32
why is three minutes
worth losing your life?"
00:24:47.35\00:24:52.75
You know, that's the
question the cop asked me.
00:24:52.79\00:24:55.06
He said why is
three minutes and he said,
00:24:55.09\00:24:57.93
I doubt that
light wasn't even three.
00:24:57.96\00:24:59.36
I don't even think
that's a three minute light.
00:24:59.39\00:25:01.20
But I know we have
some three minutes lights
00:25:01.23\00:25:02.76
in New York here.
00:25:02.80\00:25:04.13
But why is three
minutes worth losing your life,
00:25:04.17\00:25:08.00
going through it and
being hit by another vehicle
00:25:08.04\00:25:10.31
or hitting somebody,
00:25:10.34\00:25:11.74
losing control of your
vehicle or whatever having,
00:25:11.77\00:25:13.54
so think about that.
00:25:13.58\00:25:15.64
So we have to think often
00:25:15.68\00:25:17.71
about what is propelling
us in that sense to be,
00:25:17.75\00:25:21.38
so, you know,
eager to prove our point,
00:25:21.42\00:25:25.15
you know, is it worth
00:25:25.19\00:25:27.12
losing a lifetime of
relationship with someone.
00:25:27.16\00:25:30.76
I also think
that for our children,
00:25:30.79\00:25:33.46
we need to encourage
and foster the good habits
00:25:33.50\00:25:36.63
when they show
self-control reward them.
00:25:36.67\00:25:40.87
I think that is a
good way of helping them.
00:25:40.90\00:25:44.87
Just have them to
foster self-control,
00:25:44.91\00:25:47.11
is give them a reward
for the positive things.
00:25:47.14\00:25:49.68
I think that is one way
00:25:49.71\00:25:51.05
that we can help
our children along.
00:25:51.08\00:25:53.45
Also, just, you know,
00:25:53.48\00:25:55.18
teach them that patience is all.
00:25:55.22\00:25:57.95
You can walk away
from any situation.
00:25:57.99\00:26:00.69
You don't have to win.
00:26:00.72\00:26:03.09
I think sometimes
they feel that we must win.
00:26:03.12\00:26:05.96
And you know, they
need to know limits,
00:26:05.99\00:26:08.36
they need to know limitations,
and you can walk away,
00:26:08.40\00:26:11.57
it's better to walk
away and live than to try to,
00:26:11.60\00:26:16.17
you know, get an
argument and die.
00:26:16.20\00:26:19.51
I think walking
away is another good way.
00:26:19.54\00:26:22.54
Teach them to
hit the pause button.
00:26:22.58\00:26:24.51
You know, I'm getting
angry, I'm getting, I'm boiling,
00:26:24.55\00:26:29.28
pause, walk out of
the room, come back, stop.
00:26:29.32\00:26:33.19
Think about the actions,
00:26:33.22\00:26:34.82
think about the
repercussions of their actions.
00:26:34.86\00:26:37.56
These are things as
far as we need to foster
00:26:37.59\00:26:39.36
in our children,
00:26:39.39\00:26:40.73
and teach them how
to control themselves.
00:26:40.76\00:26:44.10
I agree, and you guys brought up
00:26:44.13\00:26:45.57
a lot of great points,
00:26:45.60\00:26:46.94
because it's so critical
00:26:46.97\00:26:48.60
is not just for the
sake of being peaceful.
00:26:48.64\00:26:52.57
But is for preservation for,
for being a good role model,
00:26:52.61\00:26:57.08
you know, for helping to
end the violence as well,
00:26:57.11\00:27:01.58
at least in our sphere,
00:27:01.62\00:27:03.05
in our little
nucleus of our home.
00:27:03.08\00:27:05.52
You know, it's so
critical that we understand that
00:27:05.55\00:27:07.76
and I appreciate
you guys talking to me
00:27:07.79\00:27:09.52
and discussing this with me
00:27:09.56\00:27:11.06
and for the viewers out there,
00:27:11.09\00:27:13.76
again, it's not
an easy thing to do.
00:27:13.80\00:27:17.27
Especially away as a
father you are protector,
00:27:17.30\00:27:19.70
supposed to protect.
00:27:19.73\00:27:21.07
You're supposed to be there,
00:27:21.10\00:27:22.44
you're supposed to
be the disciplinarian,
00:27:22.47\00:27:23.84
whatever you want to call it,
however you want to define it,
00:27:23.87\00:27:26.78
you're not supposed to
let that temper overpower you.
00:27:26.81\00:27:31.68
Everybody has a
temper, we all have issues.
00:27:31.71\00:27:34.48
We all have hot
buttons in which we lose it,
00:27:34.52\00:27:37.55
you know, or we might lose it.
00:27:37.59\00:27:38.92
The point is,
00:27:38.95\00:27:40.29
what are you doing
with those emotions?
00:27:40.32\00:27:42.36
You know, learn to control it,
00:27:42.39\00:27:43.99
learn to give
yourself up to God.
00:27:44.03\00:27:45.46
It's not saying
that just to be cliche,
00:27:45.49\00:27:48.73
but literally give it
up to God, I'm serious.
00:27:48.76\00:27:52.37
That's what's
helped me all this time.
00:27:52.40\00:27:54.57
I should have been
in jail three times over
00:27:54.60\00:27:56.04
because of my
temper but here I am today.
00:27:56.07\00:27:58.57
And I'm telling you,
when you give it to God,
00:27:58.61\00:28:00.48
you can be the
best father in the world
00:28:00.51\00:28:01.98
and teach your
kids to have patience.
00:28:02.01\00:28:04.21
Thank you for watching.
00:28:04.25\00:28:05.58