A good father
takes time to play.
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He has strong integrity.
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He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
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He is not afraid
to show his love.
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He is a caring provider.
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And he's a kind
spiritual leader.
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These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
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Hi, Welcome to A Father's Heart.
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I'm your host Xavier,
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and today we're
going to be discussing
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the topic of bullying.
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What if your child
is getting bullied?
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Or what if your
child is the bully?
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And with me to talk about that
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are my two
friends Gordon and Denry.
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How are you guys doing
today? We're doing great.
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Can't complain
man, can't complain.
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So how do feel about bullying.
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You know what if your
child's getting bullied?
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You know, I didn't.
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Before my children were
born, this was a theory.
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Now that they're born
and they're getting older,
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it's a practice.
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My kids, for whatever reason,
at times they get bullied,
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especially my oldest
son, he's so much like me.
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He loves, you
know, just loves life,
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very energetic
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and there's
three major occasions
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where he was bullied.
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And if I remember the first one,
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I was at the seminary,
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and they were away in Florida,
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and he was being
bullied at school.
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And I want to call him
and say you need to go there,
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knock that
little boy's teeth out.
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I wanted to say that.
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And then a good friend of mine
from Canada, another pastor,
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he pulled me to
the side and he said,
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"What's wrong? You seem upset."
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And I told him what's going on.
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And he said,
"You know what, man,
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I've had to deal with
that too throughout my life."
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I said, "Let's pray.
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Let's go to God about
this. Let's go to God."
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He prayed with me.
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And then I went
back to my son, I said,
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"I want you to do this.
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I want you to start
praying for your friends.
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Pray for the bully.
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Pray for him, like, you
know, really pray for him."
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He's like, okay, I mean,
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at the time
he's seven years old,
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what, you know, six or seven.
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So I said, "Pray for
him, just pray for him."
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Do you know
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at the end of that
first year of school for him,
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when he was leaving,
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now moving into
seminary with me,
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his friends were
crying that he was leaving,
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the two guys that
were bullying him.
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They were crying.
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They were like,
"We're going to miss you,"
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you know, they
became his friends.
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And so, I learned to let
God win that battle for me.
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This takes me back nine years,
I was about nine years old.
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And you know, we
didn't call it in Ghana,
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I don't know, we
didn't call it bullying.
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I'm so glad that
there's some kind of term now
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that they're using for.
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A guy used to mess with me.
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Take my lunch, take my lunch.
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And I just, I
got fed up one day,
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and he did it,
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I just rolled back on my
fist and I just let him have it,
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everything I got.
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I have scar, I have a long scar,
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by the grace of God
that missed my main,
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one of my main arteries.
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He took a bottle,
broke it and slashed my arm.
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I didn't even know he
realized that I was cut.
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But I went into a rage
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and I was just
blood was just gushing
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and I was just wailing at him.
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But I thank God that,
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you know, I can
look back now at it
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and I can talk to my children,
I can talk and open about it.
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I say things
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that I wouldn't
say publicly have been.
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It's just something
that I'm passionate about.
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I think that more
awareness and needs to,
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to be brought
forward to this whole thing
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but we need to make
our children aware of it.
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I experienced it.
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And as the younger sibling
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and as older, my older cousins,
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they would fight all my battles.
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But this time I was by myself.
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And so for weeks,
you know, they kept,
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this young guy kept doing it
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and at the end of it
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even after I came
back from the hospital
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after came with
nine stitches in my arms,
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I came back from the hospital,
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the teacher called me out,
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you know, a guy
did something wrong
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and that just really set me off
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even what so, but I just said,
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thank God for His
protection and keeping me
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'cause bullying could
be a real serious matter
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for our children,
for our young people.
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And too much, too much,
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you know, enough
is not being done
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I think especially in
our church environment.
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It's a very, very
sensitive thing for me,
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because I've
experienced it to some level.
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And I like that
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because, you
know, I've always been,
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haven't been the
tallest guy in the world.
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Always been
very short and I was,
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I got bullied so much.
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But my dad, and he's
short, but then my dad told me,
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you know, hey,
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you're strong for
your height as am I.
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He's like, I
said, genetic trait.
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And I remember
God showing me that
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that strength was
to be used for good.
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You know, not saying I'm
Samson, anything like that,
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but being, always
been underestimated.
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Used to hate the gym
when I was a teenager,
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started losing
weight, lost all the weight.
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And I remember a
few instances that,
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you know, somebody
started bullying me
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I would turn
around and just decimate,
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just beat him
into unconsciousness.
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You know, and I
lost a lot of friends
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not because of the fighting,
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but because I would
go into a blind rage
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and the blood on
me would not be mine.
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And they told me
you're going to kill somebody.
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You don't even need a weapon.
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You're going to knock somebody
and you're going to kill them.
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And you know, being a father,
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how do I deal with
that with my girls?
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Yeah, I want them to
fight and my girls are feisty,
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and they could fight.
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And I remember one
time my five-year-old,
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she was at the pool
learning swimming lessons
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and this little boy
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where all the
parents were standing out
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there other parents.
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And this little
boy was pushing her,
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like tapping her the
floatation device she had.
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And she turns around,
and I know when she's mad.
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She turns around and I just,
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I look at her
and she looks at me,
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she turns back.
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Second time, she
turns around real angry
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as she knows
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somebody's going to get punched.
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And I immediately look at her
and have a flashback of myself.
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And all I did
was put my hands up
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and just say
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you know, give it a
signal to don't do that.
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You know, that's the thing
we have to learn about bullying
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that it's real.
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It's killing
our youth literally.
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People are committing
suicide and growing up,
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you know, I
don't know growing up,
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you always deal with
bullies through fighting.
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You know, yes, my
dad would be like though,
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be a man, fight, knock him out.
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You know, don't start
a fight, but finish it.
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But when I read the Bible,
Jesus does it differently.
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You know, some
people might call Him weak,
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because He doesn't fight.
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But if my girls get bullied,
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I'm still at odds as
to how I'm going to do it.
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I'm going to help them,
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you know, how would
you do it if your kids,
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I know you
mentioned that earlier, Denry,
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but how would you do
it if it's a constant
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with all your
kids getting bullied?
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I will pray, I
will have to pray.
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I don't think I'll
handle it very well.
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I'm just being real.
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At this point,
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I really don't think I
will handle it very well.
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I think I would be
a little aggressive
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and try not to be
overly aggressive,
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but I want to drive a point
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that this child does
have a parent that loved him.
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And because they're
up here and don't mess.
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And we have,
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we have allowed
things to just go on.
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And I think that's the problem.
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We allow things to go on
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and our children will come to us
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and they will talk to us.
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So you know, they just
go, don't worry about it,
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don't worry about it.
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But we have to
teach our children.
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If somebody is bullying
you, here's what you do.
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Go to your teacher,
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go to this
person, go to that person,
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and then let your parents know.
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A lot of that has not happened,
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that education needs to happen,
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that our
children need to know that
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and when they come to,
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when they come to
us, we need to make it,
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make them feel
comfortable to know
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that something is
going to be done about it.
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Not just, okay.
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Yeah, okay, dad hear you.
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I hear you, okay,
you know, no, go ahead.
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My mom used to say to us,
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which is probably
not the right thing.
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But if you got to,
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if you go to school
and you get into trouble
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somebody is fighting
you, don't come to me,
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handle it.
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But I think we need
to do a little more,
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we need to let our children know
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that they can come to us,
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we need to be aware as parents
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as to what's happening
in our children's lives.
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You know, this
is a very delicate,
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delicate subject,
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because you
have so much extremes
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you can go here.
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You know, similar to you,
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I don't teach my
children to fight.
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I tell them, I
do not want to hear
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that you started the fight.
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I've taught my children,
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this might be
controversial to be,
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to self-defend themselves,
to defend themselves, all right
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to take blows or block blows,
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but I don't want to hear
that you started the fight.
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The reason why I said
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because people know
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that Christians are
supposed to be non-violent.
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And they could
take advantage of that
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and be manipulative in that.
00:10:01.46\00:10:03.33
And so, you know,
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you don't want to
have your child out there,
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just vulnerable
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and not know how to
deal with a situation,
00:10:08.64\00:10:11.57
give them tools.
00:10:11.61\00:10:13.21
You can either walk away,
here's some options, right?
00:10:13.24\00:10:16.75
But when you walk away,
00:10:16.78\00:10:18.25
keep your eyes
facing the person, right?
00:10:18.28\00:10:20.92
You could call for help.
00:10:20.95\00:10:23.59
You know, you
could, there's tools,
00:10:23.62\00:10:25.09
but when we
leave them vulnerable
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we make them weak.
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You see Jesus was not weak.
00:10:28.16\00:10:29.62
No, He wasn't.
00:10:29.66\00:10:30.99
He was meek,
but He was not weak.
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Think about for a second,
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you had the most
powerful being on earth,
00:10:35.53\00:10:37.77
who surrendered Himself.
00:10:37.80\00:10:40.00
See that's what meekness is,
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surrendering your
power for your benefit.
00:10:41.40\00:10:45.14
So I've taught my kids to
when they throw a word at you,
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they call you names or whatever,
00:10:48.91\00:10:50.41
compliment them,
throw them off guard.
00:10:50.45\00:10:53.05
And my son did it.
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And he said,
00:10:54.45\00:10:55.78
"You should have
seen the guy's eyes, dad.
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He didn't know
what to do after that.
00:10:57.22\00:10:59.42
He called me, he
was calling me names
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and I complimented him
in front of everybody."
00:11:01.26\00:11:03.96
And he was just
like, "Oh, what?"
00:11:03.99\00:11:08.76
Okay, and he moved on
00:11:08.80\00:11:10.13
and another time
00:11:10.17\00:11:11.50
he was being
bullied by a girl, right?
00:11:11.53\00:11:12.97
So it's not a gender thing,
he's being bullied by a girl.
00:11:13.00\00:11:16.30
And I told him,
don't say anything,
00:11:16.34\00:11:17.67
compliment her.
00:11:17.71\00:11:19.04
Tell her how much
you appreciate her,
00:11:19.07\00:11:20.44
you know, and he did it.
00:11:20.48\00:11:22.91
And everybody was like,
and then she would just,
00:11:22.94\00:11:27.98
you know, I'm not going
to mess with you anymore.
00:11:28.02\00:11:29.68
And she stopped.
00:11:29.72\00:11:31.22
Give them tools.
00:11:31.25\00:11:32.75
Give them tools,
give them options.
00:11:32.79\00:11:34.79
Fighting is not the option.
00:11:34.82\00:11:36.86
Here we go, this
what you could do,
00:11:36.89\00:11:38.36
you could do
this, you could do this,
00:11:38.39\00:11:40.03
you could do, so
they're in control
00:11:40.06\00:11:42.00
and they don't feel vulnerable
00:11:42.03\00:11:43.37
'cause you don't want a
child to feel vulnerable.
00:11:43.40\00:11:45.23
So what happens
00:11:45.27\00:11:46.60
if the child don't
want to take the compliment,
00:11:46.63\00:11:50.41
I mean, and the child keeps on?
00:11:50.44\00:11:52.67
What do you
tell your child then?
00:11:52.71\00:11:54.24
What you tell your child?
00:11:54.28\00:11:55.61
I mean, like I said...
00:11:55.64\00:11:56.98
If the compliment does not work.
00:11:57.01\00:11:58.35
You know every case
scenario is different.
00:11:58.38\00:12:00.08
You know, but what I'm,
00:12:00.12\00:12:01.45
the point I'm trying
to say is give them tools
00:12:01.48\00:12:03.59
because I used to
work in mental health.
00:12:03.62\00:12:06.76
Dark valley, very dark.
00:12:06.79\00:12:10.76
Unfortunately,
there was a young lady
00:12:10.79\00:12:12.33
who took her life
00:12:12.36\00:12:14.33
and two others who attempted
it because they were bullied.
00:12:14.36\00:12:20.30
They were left
out, they're vulnerable.
00:12:20.34\00:12:21.84
They didn't want to fight.
00:12:21.87\00:12:23.20
They did not wanna have fight
00:12:23.24\00:12:24.57
and then when
they tried to fight
00:12:24.61\00:12:25.94
they got in trouble.
00:12:25.97\00:12:27.31
The girl took her life, dark.
00:12:27.34\00:12:29.14
Do you see what I'm saying?
00:12:29.18\00:12:30.51
So that's why I'm saying
00:12:30.55\00:12:31.88
this is a very
delicate situation.
00:12:31.91\00:12:33.52
But my suggestion
is give them tools.
00:12:33.55\00:12:37.32
And I even think that
now we have, it's no longer,
00:12:37.35\00:12:41.62
we live in a day and age
00:12:41.66\00:12:42.99
where fighting is not
the big bullying thing
00:12:43.02\00:12:45.89
because you have
now cyberbullying,
00:12:45.93\00:12:47.86
you have the
electronic bullying.
00:12:47.90\00:12:49.33
So giving, I mean,
tools to our children,
00:12:49.36\00:12:53.34
how do you handle,
00:12:53.37\00:12:55.00
you know, your text messaging
00:12:55.04\00:12:56.87
and you've been
bullied or been harassed?
00:12:56.91\00:12:59.37
How do we handle to that?
00:12:59.41\00:13:01.14
What kind of tools you give
your children in that kind of,
00:13:01.18\00:13:04.08
you know, that kind of way?
00:13:04.11\00:13:05.51
Yeah, it's true
because it's hard.
00:13:05.55\00:13:08.82
And for cyberbullying,
00:13:08.85\00:13:10.35
you know, there's so
many different things,
00:13:10.39\00:13:13.66
obviously reported,
00:13:13.69\00:13:15.02
but how do I deal
with it as a father?
00:13:15.06\00:13:20.10
You know, I know I
counteract that question
00:13:20.13\00:13:21.83
because there are
tools to report these things.
00:13:21.86\00:13:25.67
But sometimes those
resources are of no help.
00:13:25.70\00:13:28.67
You know, I think of my
girls, if they get bullied,
00:13:28.70\00:13:31.74
I'm still coping with it.
00:13:31.77\00:13:33.11
That little boy that
was pushing my daughter.
00:13:33.14\00:13:35.34
I lost my temper at the pool.
00:13:35.38\00:13:36.71
And I looked at the
parents and I went up to them,
00:13:36.75\00:13:40.82
and I told, you
know, I was angry.
00:13:40.85\00:13:44.59
I was ready to grab
them and grab that kid
00:13:44.62\00:13:46.25
and throw them out the window.
00:13:46.29\00:13:48.19
You know,
because that's my child.
00:13:48.22\00:13:50.39
How dare you.
00:13:50.43\00:13:52.19
You know when I cry
about, you know, I'm a pacifist.
00:13:52.23\00:13:55.26
But don't step on my kid.
00:13:55.30\00:13:57.20
They step on my kid and say,
it's like that sleeping lion.
00:13:57.23\00:14:00.44
You know, he's chilling,
he's relaxing, he's sleeping,
00:14:00.47\00:14:03.91
you come into his
territory, he wakes up.
00:14:03.94\00:14:07.04
And that's, you know,
that's some of the tools that,
00:14:07.08\00:14:10.65
you know, yes, I
want to help my girls,
00:14:10.68\00:14:12.85
but how can I help my kids
00:14:12.88\00:14:15.28
when I myself don't
know how to deal with it?
00:14:15.32\00:14:19.55
You know, that's
some of the tools,
00:14:19.59\00:14:20.92
especially with
cyberbullying, what can I do?
00:14:20.96\00:14:23.39
Do I smash the phone?
00:14:23.43\00:14:24.83
Do I smash the computer?
00:14:24.86\00:14:26.46
You know, other than
prayer, what, you know,
00:14:26.49\00:14:28.80
what can I do to make
sure that I react in a way
00:14:28.83\00:14:33.47
that's productive for them?
00:14:33.50\00:14:35.27
What I had to do,
and God showed me,
00:14:35.30\00:14:38.34
what do you do
when you're bullied?
00:14:38.37\00:14:40.48
You know, even as an adult,
as a pastor, we get bullied.
00:14:40.51\00:14:43.68
I mean, we use different words,
00:14:43.71\00:14:45.51
harass, all
these different things.
00:14:45.55\00:14:47.42
As adults, adults get bullied,
00:14:47.45\00:14:48.88
you know, to me bullying is just
00:14:48.92\00:14:50.25
a general term for it.
00:14:50.29\00:14:51.85
You see what I'm saying.
00:14:51.89\00:14:53.29
So what do you do?
00:14:53.32\00:14:54.86
And I go, well,
I go to you, God.
00:14:54.89\00:14:58.33
And what do we do?
00:14:58.36\00:15:00.06
I share to you how I feel.
00:15:00.10\00:15:02.90
And so God showed me,
00:15:02.93\00:15:04.43
well, your son is coming to you,
00:15:04.47\00:15:06.84
your daughter is coming to you,
00:15:06.87\00:15:08.40
I need you to do the same thing.
00:15:08.44\00:15:10.77
I need you to sit down
with them, listen to the hurt,
00:15:10.81\00:15:13.91
don't sit maybe,
00:15:13.94\00:15:15.44
maybe the thing is
always we're trying to find
00:15:15.48\00:15:17.81
a solution.
00:15:17.85\00:15:19.85
You know, you know,
listen to the heart.
00:15:19.88\00:15:22.18
Let them know you are there.
00:15:22.22\00:15:23.55
And where after you to listen
to the hurt, build them up.
00:15:23.59\00:15:26.59
See, we forget our
power and role as parents,
00:15:26.62\00:15:29.96
especially fathers,
00:15:29.99\00:15:31.76
not to denounce the
mothers but equal parents.
00:15:31.79\00:15:34.16
But when the fathers
encourages and lifts up a child,
00:15:34.20\00:15:39.50
the child is untouchable.
00:15:39.53\00:15:42.64
People still say
words about the person,
00:15:42.67\00:15:45.07
but I know my father loves me.
00:15:45.11\00:15:48.04
I know my mother loves
me. I know my parents love me.
00:15:48.08\00:15:51.05
I know they believe in me,
they have confidence in me.
00:15:51.08\00:15:54.22
So whatever you have to say,
00:15:54.25\00:15:56.38
do you know statistics still say
00:15:56.42\00:15:58.25
the number one
influence in a child,
00:15:58.29\00:16:00.22
even teenagers is the parents.
00:16:00.26\00:16:03.59
We start losing them at college,
00:16:03.63\00:16:05.59
but you can hold them strong
00:16:05.63\00:16:07.63
through even
their teenage years.
00:16:07.66\00:16:10.00
So that time, building them up.
00:16:10.03\00:16:11.73
Okay, so somebody attacked you.
00:16:11.77\00:16:13.40
So I'm going to
build you up so much,
00:16:13.44\00:16:16.67
I show you there
is a God in heaven,
00:16:16.71\00:16:19.04
who loves you even
more than I could do.
00:16:19.07\00:16:21.44
I appreciate what
you have to say there,
00:16:21.48\00:16:22.84
you know, and
something you touched on earlier
00:16:22.88\00:16:24.55
was cyber.
00:16:24.58\00:16:26.61
What do you mean by that?
00:16:26.65\00:16:27.98
Like, how do you deal
with that at your home?
00:16:28.02\00:16:29.85
I think, for me, cyberbullying
is a big, big, big thing,
00:16:29.88\00:16:34.19
because we have all
of these different medias
00:16:34.22\00:16:36.76
whereby it comes into the home.
00:16:36.79\00:16:40.03
And I think one of the
things I do with my home
00:16:40.06\00:16:42.73
with my children is
that there are certain time,
00:16:42.76\00:16:44.97
they have to be
off their phones,
00:16:45.00\00:16:47.10
they have to be
off social media.
00:16:47.14\00:16:49.17
They have to be
off these things.
00:16:49.20\00:16:50.97
Because I do believe
that it is one of the ways
00:16:51.01\00:16:54.01
that you know,
00:16:54.04\00:16:55.61
people get into
their lives today.
00:16:55.64\00:16:57.71
They have all these friends.
00:16:57.75\00:16:59.61
And my daughter, for example,
00:16:59.65\00:17:01.95
she had an incident
00:17:01.98\00:17:04.05
where a friend was
doing inappropriate things.
00:17:04.09\00:17:08.42
And it was really
beginning to affect her,
00:17:08.46\00:17:09.86
but because she
knew that we are parents,
00:17:09.89\00:17:12.53
we are parents in the
present that we are there.
00:17:12.56\00:17:16.87
Let me check your phone.
00:17:16.90\00:17:18.40
My wife randomly
checks the phone.
00:17:18.43\00:17:20.84
I randomly check the phone.
00:17:20.87\00:17:22.44
At 11 o'clock the phone's gone.
00:17:22.47\00:17:26.68
We even got to the point
00:17:26.71\00:17:28.04
where we say the
phones need to be
00:17:28.08\00:17:29.41
out of the bedrooms
and into the living room
00:17:29.44\00:17:31.95
so that there's no reason
00:17:31.98\00:17:35.05
for that child to
pick up the phone.
00:17:35.08\00:17:36.72
We live in an
age where, you know,
00:17:36.75\00:17:38.89
you have all of these
different technological media,
00:17:38.92\00:17:42.86
you can sit at home
00:17:42.89\00:17:44.23
and you can open
your computer or whatever,
00:17:44.26\00:17:46.80
and you're right
into somebody's bedroom
00:17:46.83\00:17:49.33
or right into somebody's house.
00:17:49.36\00:17:51.93
And so I think we have
to make our children aware.
00:17:51.97\00:17:55.30
And let's face it,
they're young people,
00:17:55.34\00:17:57.47
they make some
crazy, crazy decisions
00:17:57.51\00:18:02.18
and their judgments
aren't that always good.
00:18:02.21\00:18:05.25
So they will have
their medium and a friend is,
00:18:05.28\00:18:09.88
you know, push
something through there
00:18:09.92\00:18:12.79
and through social media or
through their iPhone or iPad
00:18:12.82\00:18:18.13
and there it is
00:18:18.16\00:18:19.59
there's that person in
not an appropriate way.
00:18:19.63\00:18:24.90
What do you tell your daughter,
00:18:24.93\00:18:26.67
you know, what does
she tell when she see this,
00:18:26.70\00:18:29.14
see something like that?
00:18:29.17\00:18:30.51
So that is why I think
parenting in the present
00:18:30.54\00:18:33.04
and it's
another form of bullying
00:18:33.07\00:18:36.75
because that person,
00:18:36.78\00:18:38.11
that child is placed
00:18:38.15\00:18:39.48
in a very, very
compromising situation.
00:18:39.51\00:18:43.28
They don't know what to do.
00:18:43.32\00:18:44.65
They don't know what to think,
they don't know how to feel.
00:18:44.69\00:18:46.89
But if you have
an open relationship
00:18:46.92\00:18:48.66
and an open
dialogue with the children,
00:18:48.69\00:18:50.73
they'll be able to come and say,
00:18:50.76\00:18:52.09
"Dad, Mom, this
is what's going on."
00:18:52.13\00:18:54.50
Parent in the
presence not be so busy
00:18:54.53\00:18:59.10
that you don't have
time for your children.
00:18:59.13\00:19:01.54
And in ministry, we as pastors,
00:19:01.57\00:19:05.77
you know, we can be so
busy with everybody else,
00:19:05.81\00:19:10.41
and leave our families behind.
00:19:10.45\00:19:13.28
Like my children will say to me,
00:19:13.31\00:19:15.92
"Dad, you're gone a lot."
00:19:15.95\00:19:19.19
For example, I've been
gone for a little bit now
00:19:19.22\00:19:21.89
that my son and my daughter say,
00:19:21.92\00:19:23.26
"Dad, you have been gone a lot."
00:19:23.29\00:19:25.06
So I have to check myself
00:19:25.09\00:19:28.16
and
intentionally spend time home.
00:19:28.20\00:19:32.27
Some appointments don't
take because I need to be there.
00:19:32.30\00:19:35.94
I need to be
parent in the present.
00:19:35.97\00:19:37.87
And basically be a
parent, not a friend.
00:19:37.91\00:19:39.81
Be a parent, not a friend, yeah.
00:19:39.84\00:19:41.18
Which is critical, you know,
but there's a flip side to it.
00:19:41.21\00:19:44.88
What if your child
was being the bully?
00:19:44.91\00:19:47.62
What do you do then?
00:19:47.65\00:19:48.98
I mean, traditionally whippings,
00:19:49.02\00:19:51.75
traditionally, but how,
00:19:51.79\00:19:55.22
has that been effective
00:19:55.26\00:19:56.93
to a certain
extent in our lives,
00:19:56.96\00:19:58.29
you know, what can we do
00:19:58.33\00:19:59.66
aside from the
traditional whipping
00:19:59.69\00:20:02.86
to help our
children not be bullies?
00:20:02.90\00:20:05.07
Go ahead. Go ahead, buddy.
00:20:05.10\00:20:06.43
You're the senior, go ahead.
00:20:06.47\00:20:07.80
Okay. I'll take it.
00:20:07.84\00:20:09.17
I'll take it.
00:20:09.20\00:20:10.54
I still believe
in the whippings.
00:20:10.57\00:20:12.27
But even more, I think
having that conversation,
00:20:12.31\00:20:16.71
having a
relationship with your children,
00:20:16.75\00:20:19.85
whereby you can talk to them
00:20:19.88\00:20:21.45
and they know that
you are not a friend,
00:20:21.48\00:20:23.52
you're a parent,
00:20:23.55\00:20:24.89
and you're serious what you say.
00:20:24.92\00:20:26.89
And that I think that
makes a whole lot of difference
00:20:26.92\00:20:29.56
when that child know that,
hey, listen, I can't do this
00:20:29.59\00:20:32.93
because I have boundaries.
00:20:32.96\00:20:34.33
There's rules,
there's things in my home
00:20:34.36\00:20:37.73
that keeps me in line.
00:20:37.77\00:20:40.17
And if you have that you've...
00:20:40.20\00:20:42.27
We have sat down
with our children
00:20:42.30\00:20:44.54
and we make rules.
00:20:44.57\00:20:45.91
They're included in the rules.
00:20:45.94\00:20:48.48
You do this, this
is the consequence.
00:20:48.51\00:20:50.25
If you break this rule,
00:20:50.28\00:20:52.21
and we have them
00:20:52.25\00:20:53.58
talk about what the
consequences will be.
00:20:53.62\00:20:56.15
That way, they
know that bullying,
00:20:56.18\00:20:59.25
I can't do it because
I'm breaking the rule,
00:20:59.29\00:21:01.42
and if I do this
is the consequence,
00:21:01.46\00:21:03.43
a consequence that I
myself was a part of devising.
00:21:03.46\00:21:09.30
So I think those
are some of the things
00:21:09.33\00:21:11.07
that I think is very
important if your child has,
00:21:11.10\00:21:12.93
they need to
know their boundaries.
00:21:12.97\00:21:14.84
You know, there is this saying,
broken people break people.
00:21:14.87\00:21:18.51
You know, if a
glass is beautiful.
00:21:18.54\00:21:20.68
You know, we
have glass vase, vase,
00:21:20.71\00:21:22.54
whatever
language you want to use.
00:21:22.58\00:21:24.38
And when it's in this
whole, it's beautiful.
00:21:24.41\00:21:27.35
But when it's
broken, and you touch it,
00:21:27.38\00:21:29.82
even if it's just
a crack or totally,
00:21:29.85\00:21:32.85
you know,
broken, you can get cut.
00:21:32.89\00:21:36.26
And the same thing
would happen with children.
00:21:36.29\00:21:38.69
A lot of the children
who do bully, bullying,
00:21:38.73\00:21:43.37
have some brokenness.
00:21:43.40\00:21:45.07
They're not
getting attention at home,
00:21:45.10\00:21:47.10
or they over spoiled at home,
00:21:47.14\00:21:49.60
or there's some damage
00:21:49.64\00:21:51.07
that they're getting at
home that they passed on.
00:21:51.11\00:21:53.98
How do I know this?
00:21:54.01\00:21:55.34
I'm not a psychologist.
00:21:55.38\00:21:56.71
I'm not, I don't
claim to be a philosopher,
00:21:56.75\00:21:58.45
but I've seen it
also in my child,
00:21:58.48\00:22:01.95
the same son, right?
00:22:01.98\00:22:04.99
You know, there
was a time in my life
00:22:05.02\00:22:06.42
16-hour day
shift working, right?
00:22:06.45\00:22:10.19
There was time
00:22:10.23\00:22:11.56
where even past
when at the beginning,
00:22:11.59\00:22:14.20
I was everywhere
the church needed me.
00:22:14.23\00:22:16.63
Right?
00:22:16.67\00:22:18.00
And I noticed his behavior
towards his younger brother.
00:22:18.03\00:22:24.11
He would bully
his younger brother.
00:22:24.14\00:22:27.94
Like he would have this,
this attitude of entitlement.
00:22:27.98\00:22:32.15
He had this
attitude of like bossiness,
00:22:32.18\00:22:35.08
you know, making
fun, whatever kid,
00:22:35.12\00:22:37.19
so I had to sit him
down, what was going on.
00:22:37.22\00:22:41.12
And I've God also realize,
00:22:41.16\00:22:43.46
showed me you
have not been there
00:22:43.49\00:22:46.39
enough to model him
and a good example to him.
00:22:46.43\00:22:51.03
This kid is dealing
with some things at school.
00:22:51.07\00:22:54.14
Yes, you have dealt with that.
00:22:54.17\00:22:56.37
But he still needs some guidance
00:22:56.40\00:22:58.51
on how to treat others,
you know, because he's hurt.
00:22:58.54\00:23:03.31
So he still need some guidance.
00:23:03.35\00:23:05.01
So the beautiful thing
now I'm realizing as minister,
00:23:05.05\00:23:07.32
we don't always have to jump
to every church members beckon.
00:23:07.35\00:23:13.29
And so what happens is, is
times, let's just be honest,
00:23:13.32\00:23:16.42
there's times,
I'm not always busy.
00:23:16.46\00:23:18.63
I'm not always
working on the sermon.
00:23:18.66\00:23:20.43
And so there's times
where I'm spending at home
00:23:20.46\00:23:22.90
and my children are there,
00:23:22.93\00:23:24.63
you find his new
thing of call parenting.
00:23:24.67\00:23:28.94
Now I have to, I have to,
00:23:28.97\00:23:30.84
like you said
parent in the present
00:23:30.87\00:23:32.77
and also in the
presence, in their presence,
00:23:32.81\00:23:37.05
not outside from the,
you know, call on the phone.
00:23:37.08\00:23:40.35
I have to now get
interactive with them.
00:23:40.38\00:23:43.82
Get involved in
what they're doing,
00:23:43.85\00:23:46.72
and when to buy
that involvement now,
00:23:46.76\00:23:49.46
daddy cares about me.
00:23:49.49\00:23:51.39
Daddy loves me.
00:23:51.43\00:23:52.76
So now I don't need to go
out and get his attention.
00:23:52.79\00:23:55.43
I don't need to try
to bully anybody else
00:23:55.46\00:23:57.67
because I'm secure.
00:23:57.70\00:23:59.90
Because my parents
have established me,
00:23:59.93\00:24:03.44
that I'm secure.
00:24:03.47\00:24:05.27
Now is there, is it possible
00:24:05.31\00:24:08.24
that not everything
looks like bullying?
00:24:08.28\00:24:11.41
It looks like
bullying but maybe it's not,
00:24:11.45\00:24:14.38
I think is
redirection sometimes.
00:24:14.42\00:24:17.35
Here's your child or
here's my child or whoever.
00:24:17.39\00:24:20.09
And that child is
very much aggressive in,
00:24:20.12\00:24:25.29
you know, in their behavior.
00:24:25.33\00:24:27.06
It is possible
00:24:27.10\00:24:28.43
what you're
looking at is a leader.
00:24:28.46\00:24:31.57
Not so much of somebody
that is wants to hurt somebody,
00:24:31.60\00:24:38.17
but they're a leader.
00:24:38.21\00:24:39.54
So what you do is that
you channel that energy,
00:24:39.57\00:24:44.05
you'd be able to that
present that parenting,
00:24:44.08\00:24:46.92
look at it, look
at your son and say,
00:24:46.95\00:24:48.78
you know what?
00:24:48.82\00:24:50.15
Here's another
way you can do it.
00:24:50.19\00:24:52.22
Not to take that
ability of leadership from them,
00:24:52.25\00:24:57.89
but to help them channel,
help them to develop it,
00:24:57.93\00:25:02.33
help them to make it
positive instead of negative.
00:25:02.36\00:25:06.17
Yes, brokenness
does cause our children
00:25:06.20\00:25:08.24
to do different things.
00:25:08.27\00:25:09.60
But I do think a lot,
I look at a lot of kids
00:25:09.64\00:25:11.84
that are bullying and
what we call bullying,
00:25:11.87\00:25:15.38
what I see
00:25:15.41\00:25:16.91
as potential
leaders that need to,
00:25:16.95\00:25:20.28
you know, you need to be
able to sit down with them,
00:25:20.32\00:25:22.38
and maybe to help them
channel them different way.
00:25:22.42\00:25:25.59
So modeling is
important. Modeling, yes.
00:25:25.62\00:25:27.76
You keep saying this,
00:25:27.79\00:25:29.32
and modeling requires
you to invest your time,
00:25:29.36\00:25:33.33
sacrifice your time
00:25:33.36\00:25:34.70
and show them
00:25:34.73\00:25:36.23
how to respond to things
this way Christ would have,
00:25:36.26\00:25:38.90
but it has to come
from a transformed heart
00:25:38.93\00:25:41.17
which you have to let Christ do
00:25:41.20\00:25:42.54
because you can
model something now
00:25:42.57\00:25:44.47
that when it goes out there,
oh, you regret it coming back.
00:25:44.51\00:25:49.48
And we have to be
fathers, we have to be fathers.
00:25:49.51\00:25:52.41
Pointing somebody, my dad.
00:25:52.45\00:25:54.32
My dad always made time for me.
00:25:54.35\00:25:57.65
You know, my dad
always made time for me
00:25:57.69\00:25:59.45
and he always taught me that,
00:25:59.49\00:26:01.72
you know, it's about my
girls, my kids, modeling,
00:26:01.76\00:26:05.43
you know, and
being able to help them
00:26:05.46\00:26:07.50
be the best they can be
00:26:07.53\00:26:08.86
and just learning
from the mistakes.
00:26:08.90\00:26:11.10
And I think that's
important for your child
00:26:11.13\00:26:12.97
not to deal with bullying,
00:26:13.00\00:26:14.47
but also not be a bully
00:26:14.50\00:26:16.30
is giving them strategies
00:26:16.34\00:26:17.77
to do not just the
physical even though,
00:26:17.81\00:26:19.94
yes, I like teaching my
girls self defense mechanisms,
00:26:19.97\00:26:22.61
physical, but also, you
know, main thing is verbal.
00:26:22.64\00:26:27.58
Main thing is verbal.
00:26:27.62\00:26:29.35
Yeah, sticks and
stones can break your bones.
00:26:29.38\00:26:31.42
I beg to differ.
00:26:31.45\00:26:33.36
But I appreciate
what you had to say,
00:26:33.39\00:26:35.02
you know, this could
be going off forever.
00:26:35.06\00:26:38.26
So we, we got to pick
it up some time again.
00:26:38.29\00:26:40.53
And for our viewers out there,
00:26:40.56\00:26:44.20
bullying is a
topic and it's an issue
00:26:44.23\00:26:47.47
that we're
dealing with every day.
00:26:47.50\00:26:49.90
We deal with it as adults,
00:26:49.94\00:26:51.27
it just has a different meaning.
00:26:51.31\00:26:53.01
It's a different word,
but it's the same thing.
00:26:53.04\00:26:56.38
And modeling, yes,
00:26:56.41\00:26:57.75
it's key to show your
kids how to deal with bullying,
00:26:57.78\00:27:01.32
and also fathers
create an environment
00:27:01.35\00:27:03.82
in which your
kids can talk to you.
00:27:03.85\00:27:06.09
Speak to you openly.
00:27:06.12\00:27:08.32
So that way they
can share with you
00:27:08.36\00:27:10.43
if they're going
through something,
00:27:10.46\00:27:12.03
while at the same
time not being fearful
00:27:12.06\00:27:13.50
that you're
going to go out there
00:27:13.53\00:27:15.06
and beat people up to help them.
00:27:15.10\00:27:17.97
The key is, what
are you doing to harness
00:27:18.00\00:27:20.60
that relationship
with your children?
00:27:20.64\00:27:22.90
What are you doing to
promote that environment
00:27:22.94\00:27:25.47
of sharing and promoting a heart
00:27:25.51\00:27:29.54
that shines like Christ.
00:27:29.58\00:27:31.31
It's important.
00:27:31.35\00:27:32.68
Fathers, you need to step up.
00:27:32.71\00:27:35.18
Step up, not
just be a protector,
00:27:35.22\00:27:38.25
but also be somebody
that can allow them to walk
00:27:38.29\00:27:41.06
through the emotional valleys.
00:27:41.09\00:27:43.29
Not alone but together with you.
00:27:43.32\00:27:46.23
And pastors, please remember,
00:27:46.26\00:27:49.26
Jesus says
00:27:49.30\00:27:50.63
Jerusalem is
your first ministry,
00:27:50.67\00:27:52.13
your home.
00:27:52.17\00:27:53.50
Don't forget that as
you're doing ministry,
00:27:53.54\00:27:55.67
but thank you for watching.
00:27:55.70\00:27:57.04