A good father
takes time to play.
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He has strong integrity.
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He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
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He is not afraid
to show his love.
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He is a caring provider.
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And he is a kind
spiritual leader.
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These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
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Hi and welcome
to A Father's Heart.
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I'm your host, Xavier.
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And today, we're
going to be discussing
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the topic of bullying.
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What if your child
is getting bullied?
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What if your child is the bully?
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And with me to talk
about that are my two friends
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Gordon and Denry.
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How are you guys doing
today? We're doing great.
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Can't complain,
man. Can't complain.
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So how do you
feel about bullying,
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you know, what if your
child is getting bullied?
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You know, I didn't...
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Before my children were
born, this was a theory.
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Now that they're born
and they're getting older,
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it's a practice.
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My kids, for whatever reason,
at times, they get bullied,
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especially my oldest son.
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He is so much like me, he loves,
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you know, just loves
life, very energetic,
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and there were
three major occasions
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where he was bullied,
and I remember the first one.
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I was at the seminary and
they were away in Florida,
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and he was being
bullied at school
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and I wanted to
call him and say,
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"You need to go there and knock
that little boy's teeth out."
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I wanted to say that, and
then a good friend of mine,
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he is from
Canada, another pastor,
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he pulled me to
the side and he said,
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"What's wrong? You seem upset."
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And I told him what's going on,
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and he said,
"You know what, man?
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I've had to deal with
that too throughout my life."
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I said, "Let's pray,
let's go to the God about this.
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Let's go to God."
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He prayed with me and
then I went back to my son,
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I said, "I want you to do this.
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I want you to start
praying for your friends.
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Pray for the
bully, pray for him.
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Like, you know,
really pray for him."
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He was like, "Okay."
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I mean, at that time,
he was seven years old,
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you know, six or seven.
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I said, "Pray for
him, just pray for him."
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Do you know at the end of that
first year of school for him,
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when he was leaving and
moving to seminary with me,
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his friends were
crying that he was leaving,
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the two guys that
were bullying him,
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they were
crying, they were like,
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"We're going to
miss you, you know."
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They became his friends.
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And so I learned to let
God win that battle for me.
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This takes me back.
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I know, I was
about nine years old,
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and, you know, we
didn't call it in Ghana...
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I don't know, we
didn't call it bullying.
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I'm so glad that there
is some kind of a term now
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that they're using for it.
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A guy used to mess
with me, take my lunch.
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Yeah.
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And I just...
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I got fed up one
day, and he did it,
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I just rolled
back, hold my fist,
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and I just let him
have it, everything I got.
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I have scars,
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I have long scar
by the grace of God
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that had missed one
of my main arteries.
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He took a bottle,
broke it, and slashed my arm.
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I didn't even know
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he would realize that I was cut,
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but I went into a rage...
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Mercy.
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And I was just...
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Blood was just gushing
and I was just wailing at him.
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But I thank God that,
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you know, I can
look back now at it
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and I can talk to my children,
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I can talk and be open about it.
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I say things that I
wouldn't say publicly
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because it's just something
that I'm passionate about.
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I think that more awareness
needs to be brought forward
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to this whole thing,
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but we need to make
our children aware of it.
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I experienced it,
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and as the younger sibling
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and as, you
know, my older cousins
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they would fight
all of my battles.
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But this time, I was by myself.
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And so for weeks, you know,
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like, this young
guy kept doing it,
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and at the end of it,
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even after I came
back from the hospital,
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after getting nine
stitches in my arms,
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I came back from the hospital,
the teacher called me out,
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you know, like I
did something wrong,
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and, man, that just
really set me off even much,
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but I just said, thank God
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for His protection in keeping me
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because bullying could be
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a real serious
matter for our children,
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for our young people,
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and too much...
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You know, enough
is not being done,
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I think, especially in
our church environment.
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It's a very
sensitive thing for me
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because I've
experienced it to some level.
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And I like that because,
you know, I've always been,
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haven't been the
tallest guy in the world...
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Yeah.
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Always been very short
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and I got bullied so much and...
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But my dad, he is
short, but then my dad told me,
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you know, "Hey, you're
strong for your height as am I,
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he said, "It's a genetic trait."
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And I remember God
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showing me that strength
was to be used for good.
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You know, I'm saying, I'm
saying anything like that,
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but always being underestimated.
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I used to hit the gym
when I was a teenager,
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started losing
weight, lost all the weight.
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And I remember a
few instances that,
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you know, somebody
started bullying me,
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I would turn
around and just decimate,
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just beat him
into unconsciousness...
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Mercy.
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You know, and I
lost a lot of friends,
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not because of the fighting
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but because I would
go into a blind rage
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and the blood on
me would not be mine.
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And they told me
you're going to kill somebody,
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you don't even need a weapon,
you're going to knock somebody
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and you're going to kill him.
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Yeah.
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And, you know, being a father,
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how do I deal with
that with my girls?
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Yeah, I want them to fight...
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And my girls are
feisty and they can fight.
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And I remember one
time, my five year old,
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she was at the pool
learning swimming lessons
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and this little boy,
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where all the parents
were standing out there,
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all the parents, and this
little boy was pushing her,
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like tapping her, the
flotation device she had,
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and she turns around,
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and I know when she
is mad, she turns around
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and I just I look at
her and she looks at me,
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she turns back.
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Second time, she turns
around real angry as she knows
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somebody's going to get punched,
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and I immediately look at her
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and I have a flashback of myself
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and all I did was put
my hands up and just say,
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you know, give a
signal to don't do that.
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You know, that's the thing
we have to learn about bullying
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that it's real,
it's killing our youth,
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literally, people
are committing suicide.
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And growing up, you know...
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I don't know, growing up,
you always deal with bullies
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through fighting, you
know, my dad would be like,
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"Be a man. Be a man and fight.
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Knock him out.
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You know, don't start
a fight, but finish it."
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But when I read the Bible,
Jesus does it differently.
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You know, some
people might call Him weak
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because He doesn't fight,
but if my girls get bullied,
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I'm still at odds at
to how I'm going to do it,
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how I'm going to
help them, you know.
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How would you do
it if your kids...
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I know you
mentioned that earlier, Denry,
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but how would you do it
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if it's a constant with
all your kids getting bullied?
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I would pray.
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I would have to pray.
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But I don't think
I'll handle it very well,
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I'm just being real.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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At this point, I
really don't think
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I will handle it very well.
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I think I would be
a little aggressive,
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and try not to be
overly aggressive,
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but I want to drive a point
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that this child does
have a parent that love them,
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and because they
have parents, don't mess.
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Yeah.
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And we have allowed
things to just go on,
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and I think that's the problem,
we've allowed things to go on
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and our children will come to us
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and they will talk to us.
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"So, you know, just go on.
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Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it."
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But we have to
teach our children
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'cause if
somebody is bullying you,
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here's what you
do, go to your teacher,
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go to this
person, go to that person,
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and then let your parents know.
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A lot of that does not happen,
that education needs to happen,
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our children need to know
that, and when they come to us,
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we need to make
them feel comfortable
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to know that something is
going to be done about it,
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not just, "Okay, yeah.
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Okay, dad hear
you I hear you, okay."
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You know, no.
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Go handle it.
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My mom used to say to us,
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which is probably
not the right thing,
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but, "If you go to
school and you get into trouble,
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somebody is fighting
you, don't come to me.
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Handle it."
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Yeah, but I think we
need to do a little more,
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we need to let our children
know that they can come to us,
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we need to be aware as parents
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as to what's happening
in our children's lives.
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You know, this is a
very delicate subject
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because you
have so much extremes
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you can go here.
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You know, similar to you,
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I don't teach my
children to fight,
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I tell them, "I
do not want to hear
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that you started the fight."
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I've taught my children,
this might be controversial,
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to defend themselves, all right?
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To take blows, to block
blows, but I don't want to hear
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that you started the fight.
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The reason why I
said because people know
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that Christians are
supposed to be non-violent
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and they could
take advantage of that
00:10:03.60\00:10:05.60
and be manipulative in that.
00:10:05.63\00:10:07.47
And so, you know,
00:10:07.50\00:10:08.84
you don't want to
have your child out there
00:10:08.87\00:10:11.34
just vulnerable and not know
how to deal with the situation.
00:10:11.37\00:10:15.71
Give them tools, you
can either walk away,
00:10:15.74\00:10:19.01
here's some options, right?
00:10:19.05\00:10:20.95
But when you walk away,
00:10:20.98\00:10:22.42
keep your eyes
facing the person, right?
00:10:22.45\00:10:25.02
You could call for
help, you know, you could...
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There's tools,
00:10:28.42\00:10:29.76
but when we leave
them vulnerable, we make...
00:10:29.79\00:10:31.86
You see, Jesus was not weak.
00:10:31.89\00:10:33.80
No, He wasn't.
00:10:33.83\00:10:35.16
He was meek,
but He was not weak.
00:10:35.20\00:10:38.27
Think about it for a second.
00:10:38.30\00:10:39.63
You have the most
powerful being on earth
00:10:39.67\00:10:41.87
who surrendered Himself,
see that's what meekness is,
00:10:41.90\00:10:45.51
surrendering your
power for your benefit.
00:10:45.54\00:10:49.31
So I've taught my kids to,
when they throw a word at you,
00:10:49.34\00:10:53.08
they call you names or
whatever, compliment them,
00:10:53.11\00:10:55.82
throw them off guard, and
my son did it and he said,
00:10:55.85\00:10:59.29
"You should have
seen the guy's eyes, dad.
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He didn't know
what to do after that."
00:11:01.36\00:11:03.53
He was calling me
names and I complimented him
00:11:03.56\00:11:06.73
in front of
everybody and he was just like.
00:11:06.76\00:11:10.67
"Oh. What? Okay."
00:11:10.70\00:11:13.17
And he moved on.
00:11:13.20\00:11:14.54
And then another time,
00:11:14.57\00:11:15.90
he was being
bullied by a girl, right?
00:11:15.94\00:11:17.27
So it's just not a gender thing.
00:11:17.31\00:11:19.01
He was being bullied
by a girl and I told him,
00:11:19.04\00:11:20.84
"Don't you say anything.
00:11:20.88\00:11:22.21
Compliment her.
00:11:22.24\00:11:23.58
Tell her how much you
appreciate her, you know."
00:11:23.61\00:11:25.28
And he did it and
everybody was like...
00:11:25.31\00:11:29.98
And then she would just...
00:11:30.02\00:11:32.12
"You know, I'm not going
to mess with you anymore."
00:11:32.15\00:11:33.86
And she stopped.
00:11:33.89\00:11:35.36
Give them
tools, give them tools,
00:11:35.39\00:11:38.06
give them options.
00:11:38.09\00:11:39.43
Fighting is not an option.
00:11:39.46\00:11:41.03
"Here you go, this
is what you could do,
00:11:41.06\00:11:42.56
you could do
this, you could do this,
00:11:42.60\00:11:44.10
you could do this."
00:11:44.13\00:11:45.47
So they're in control and
they don't feel vulnerable
00:11:45.50\00:11:47.24
'cause you don't want a
child to feel vulnerable.
00:11:47.27\00:11:49.47
So what happens if the child
00:11:49.50\00:11:53.17
don't want to
take the compliment,
00:11:53.21\00:11:54.71
I mean, and the child keeps on?
00:11:54.74\00:11:56.91
What do you
tell your child then?
00:11:56.95\00:11:58.65
What do you tell your child?
00:11:58.68\00:12:00.02
I mean, like I said...
00:12:00.05\00:12:01.38
If the compliment does not work.
00:12:01.42\00:12:02.75
You know, every case
scenario is different,
00:12:02.78\00:12:04.45
you know, but what
point I'm trying to say is
00:12:04.49\00:12:06.52
give them tools
00:12:06.55\00:12:07.89
because I used to
work in mental health,
00:12:07.92\00:12:10.93
dark valley, very dark.
00:12:10.96\00:12:14.96
Unfortunately,
there was a young lady
00:12:15.00\00:12:16.50
who took her life and
two others who attempted
00:12:16.53\00:12:21.07
because they were bullied.
00:12:21.10\00:12:24.47
They were left
out there vulnerable,
00:12:24.51\00:12:26.01
they didn't want to fight,
00:12:26.04\00:12:27.38
they did not
want to have a fight
00:12:27.41\00:12:28.74
and when they tried to
fight, they got in trouble.
00:12:28.78\00:12:30.65
One of the girls took her life.
00:12:30.68\00:12:32.65
Dark.
00:12:32.68\00:12:34.02
Do you see what I'm saying?
00:12:34.05\00:12:35.38
So that's why I'm saying
00:12:35.42\00:12:36.75
this is a very
delicate situation,
00:12:36.79\00:12:38.12
but my suggestion
is give them tools.
00:12:38.15\00:12:41.49
I even think that now we have...
00:12:41.52\00:12:44.76
It's no longer...
00:12:44.79\00:12:46.13
We live in a day
and age where fighting
00:12:46.16\00:12:47.53
is not the big bullying thing
00:12:47.56\00:12:50.10
'cause you have
now cyber bullying,
00:12:50.13\00:12:52.13
you have the
electronic bullying...
00:12:52.17\00:12:53.50
Yeah.
00:12:53.54\00:12:54.87
So giving, I mean,
tools to our children
00:12:54.90\00:12:57.37
on how do you handle,
00:12:57.41\00:12:59.17
you know, your text messaging
00:12:59.21\00:13:01.08
and you being
bullied or being harassed,
00:13:01.11\00:13:03.55
how do we handle that?
00:13:03.58\00:13:05.31
What kind of tools you
give your children in that,
00:13:05.35\00:13:08.38
you know, that kind of way?
00:13:08.42\00:13:09.82
Yeah, that's true
because it's hard.
00:13:09.85\00:13:13.02
And for cyber
bullying, you know,
00:13:13.05\00:13:16.02
there are so
many different things,
00:13:16.06\00:13:17.89
obviously report it,
00:13:17.93\00:13:21.23
but how do I deal
with it as a father?
00:13:21.26\00:13:24.33
And I know, I
counteract that question
00:13:24.37\00:13:26.00
because there are
tools to report these things,
00:13:26.03\00:13:29.80
but sometimes those
resources are of no help,
00:13:29.84\00:13:32.84
you know, I think of my
girls, if they get bullied,
00:13:32.87\00:13:35.88
I'm still coping with
it, like that little boy
00:13:35.91\00:13:37.61
that was pushing my daughter,
I lost my temper at the pool
00:13:37.65\00:13:42.48
and I looked at the parents
00:13:42.52\00:13:43.85
and I went up to
them and I told...
00:13:43.89\00:13:45.65
You know, I was angry.
00:13:45.69\00:13:48.76
I was ready to grab
them and grab that kid
00:13:48.79\00:13:50.43
and throw them out the window,
00:13:50.46\00:13:52.36
you know,
because that's my child.
00:13:52.39\00:13:54.56
How dare you?
00:13:54.60\00:13:56.40
You know, when I counteract,
you know, I'm a pacifist,
00:13:56.43\00:13:59.43
but don't step on my kid.
00:13:59.47\00:14:01.24
If you step on my kid,
it's like that sleeping lion,
00:14:01.27\00:14:04.57
you know, he is chilling,
he is relaxing, he is sleeping.
00:14:04.61\00:14:08.04
You come into his
territory, he wakes up.
00:14:08.08\00:14:11.18
And that's some
of the tools that,
00:14:11.21\00:14:14.78
you know, yes, I
want to help my girls,
00:14:14.82\00:14:16.99
but how can I help my
kids when I myself don't know
00:14:17.02\00:14:21.56
how to deal with it?
00:14:21.59\00:14:23.66
You know, that's
some of the tools
00:14:23.69\00:14:25.03
especially with cyber
bullying, what can I do?
00:14:25.06\00:14:27.53
Do I smash the phone?
00:14:27.56\00:14:28.93
Do I smash the computer?
00:14:28.96\00:14:30.67
You know, other than prayer,
00:14:30.70\00:14:32.30
you know, what can I do
00:14:32.33\00:14:35.60
to make sure
that I react in a way
00:14:35.64\00:14:37.67
that's productive for them?
00:14:37.71\00:14:39.41
What I had to do
and God showed me,
00:14:39.44\00:14:42.54
"Well, what do you
do when you're bullied,
00:14:42.58\00:14:44.65
you know, even as an adult?"
00:14:44.68\00:14:46.01
As a pastor, we get bullied.
00:14:46.05\00:14:47.85
I mean, we use
different words, harass,
00:14:47.88\00:14:50.29
all these different
things, adults get bullied.
00:14:50.32\00:14:53.12
You know, I mean, bullying
is just a general term for it.
00:14:53.15\00:14:56.02
You see what I'm saying?
00:14:56.06\00:14:57.53
So what do you do?
00:14:57.56\00:14:59.73
Well, I go to you, God.
00:14:59.76\00:15:02.56
"And what do we do?"
00:15:02.60\00:15:03.93
"Oh, I share to you how I feel."
00:15:03.97\00:15:07.04
And so God showed me,
00:15:07.07\00:15:08.60
"Well, your son is coming to you
00:15:08.64\00:15:10.91
or your daughter
is coming to you,
00:15:10.94\00:15:12.57
I need you to do the same thing.
00:15:12.61\00:15:14.91
I need you to sit down
with them, listen to the hurt."
00:15:14.94\00:15:17.95
Yes.
00:15:17.98\00:15:19.31
Maybe the thing is always
00:15:19.35\00:15:20.88
we're trying to find a solution,
00:15:20.92\00:15:24.02
you know, listen to the hurt...
00:15:24.05\00:15:26.49
Let them know you're there.
00:15:26.52\00:15:27.86
And after you listen to
their hurt, build them up.
00:15:27.89\00:15:30.69
See, we forgot out
power in a role as parents,
00:15:30.73\00:15:34.03
especially fathers,
00:15:34.06\00:15:35.90
not to denounce the
mothers but equal parents,
00:15:35.93\00:15:38.27
but when the fathers
encourages and lifts up a child,
00:15:38.30\00:15:43.71
the child is untouchable.
00:15:43.74\00:15:45.67
Yes.
00:15:45.71\00:15:47.04
People still say
words about the person,
00:15:47.08\00:15:49.18
but I know my father loves me,
00:15:49.21\00:15:52.21
I know my mother love me,
I know my parents love me,
00:15:52.25\00:15:55.18
I know they believe in me,
they have confidence in me.
00:15:55.22\00:15:58.39
So whatever you have to say...
00:15:58.42\00:16:00.56
Do you know statistics still say
00:16:00.59\00:16:02.46
the number one
influence on a child,
00:16:02.49\00:16:04.39
even teenagers, is the parents.
00:16:04.43\00:16:06.70
Yes.
00:16:06.73\00:16:08.06
We start losing them at college,
00:16:08.10\00:16:09.80
but you can hold them strong
00:16:09.83\00:16:11.77
through even
their teenage years.
00:16:11.80\00:16:14.20
So in that time, build them up.
00:16:14.24\00:16:15.87
"Okay, so somebody attacked you?
00:16:15.90\00:16:17.57
So I'm going to
build you up so much
00:16:17.61\00:16:20.88
and show you that
there's a God in heaven
00:16:20.91\00:16:23.21
who loves you even
more than I could do."
00:16:23.24\00:16:25.65
I appreciate what you
had to say, Denry, you know,
00:16:25.68\00:16:27.38
and something you
touched on earlier with cyber,
00:16:27.42\00:16:30.79
what do you mean by that?
00:16:30.82\00:16:32.15
Like how do you deal
with that at your home?
00:16:32.19\00:16:34.02
I think for me, cyber
bullying is a big thing
00:16:34.06\00:16:38.39
because we have all
of these different medias
00:16:38.43\00:16:41.00
whereby it comes into the home,
00:16:41.03\00:16:44.20
and I think one of the
things I do with my home,
00:16:44.23\00:16:46.90
with my children
is at a certain time,
00:16:46.94\00:16:49.17
they have to be
off their phones,
00:16:49.20\00:16:51.27
they have to be
off social media,
00:16:51.31\00:16:53.34
they have to be off these things
00:16:53.38\00:16:55.14
because I do believe
00:16:55.18\00:16:56.91
that it is one of
the ways that, you know,
00:16:56.95\00:16:59.78
people get into their lives,
they have all these friends.
00:16:59.81\00:17:03.82
And my daughter, for example,
00:17:03.85\00:17:06.12
she had an incident
00:17:06.15\00:17:08.19
where a friend was
doing inappropriate things
00:17:08.22\00:17:12.63
and was really
beginning to affect her,
00:17:12.66\00:17:14.06
but because she
knew that we are parents,
00:17:14.10\00:17:16.73
we are parents in the
present, that we are there,
00:17:16.77\00:17:21.04
let me check your phone.
00:17:21.07\00:17:22.60
My wife randomly
checks the phone,
00:17:22.64\00:17:24.97
I randomly check the phone.
00:17:25.01\00:17:26.64
At 11 o'clock, the phone's gone.
00:17:26.68\00:17:30.85
We even got to a
point where we said
00:17:30.88\00:17:32.71
the phones need to
be out of the bedrooms
00:17:32.75\00:17:34.95
and into living room
so that there's no reason
00:17:34.98\00:17:39.22
for that child to
pick up the phone.
00:17:39.25\00:17:40.89
We live in an age where,
00:17:40.92\00:17:42.69
you know, you have all of these
different technological media,
00:17:42.72\00:17:47.10
you can sit in a home and
you can open your computer
00:17:47.13\00:17:50.23
or whatever and you
arrive into somebody's bedroom
00:17:50.27\00:17:53.57
or right into somebody's house.
00:17:53.60\00:17:56.10
And so I think we have
to make our children aware.
00:17:56.14\00:17:59.44
And let's face it,
there are young people
00:17:59.47\00:18:01.64
that make some
crazy, crazy decisions
00:18:01.68\00:18:06.35
and their
judgments aren't always good.
00:18:06.38\00:18:09.48
So they will have
their medium and a friend,
00:18:09.52\00:18:14.06
you know, push
something through there
00:18:14.09\00:18:18.39
through the social media or
through their iPhone or iPad
00:18:18.43\00:18:22.30
and there it is,
there is that person
00:18:22.33\00:18:25.33
in not an appropriate way.
00:18:25.37\00:18:29.10
What if your daughter, you know,
00:18:29.14\00:18:31.24
what does she
tell when she see this,
00:18:31.27\00:18:33.38
see something like that?
00:18:33.41\00:18:34.74
So that is why I think
parenting in the present...
00:18:34.78\00:18:37.25
And it's
another form of bullying
00:18:37.28\00:18:40.82
because that
person, that child is placed
00:18:40.85\00:18:43.39
in a very
compromising situation.
00:18:43.42\00:18:47.59
They don't know what to do,
they don't know what to think,
00:18:47.62\00:18:49.52
they don't know how to feel,
00:18:49.56\00:18:50.99
but if you have
an open relationship,
00:18:51.03\00:18:52.79
an open dialogue
with your children,
00:18:52.83\00:18:54.90
they'll be able to come and say,
00:18:54.93\00:18:56.26
"Dad, mom, this
is what's going on."
00:18:56.30\00:18:58.67
Parent in the
present, not be so busy
00:18:58.70\00:19:03.34
that you don't have
time for your children.
00:19:03.37\00:19:05.77
And in ministry, we as pastors,
00:19:05.81\00:19:09.98
you know, we can be so
busy with everybody else
00:19:10.01\00:19:14.58
and leave our families behind.
00:19:14.62\00:19:15.95
Yeah.
00:19:15.98\00:19:17.32
You know, my
children will say to me,
00:19:17.35\00:19:20.06
"Dad, you're gone a lot."
00:19:20.09\00:19:23.43
For example, I've been
gone for a little bit now
00:19:23.46\00:19:25.93
and my son and my daughter said,
00:19:25.96\00:19:27.30
"Dad, you've been gone a lot."
00:19:27.33\00:19:29.33
So I have to check myself
00:19:29.36\00:19:32.33
and
intentionally spend time home,
00:19:32.37\00:19:36.44
some appointments don't take
00:19:36.47\00:19:38.07
because I need to be there,
00:19:38.11\00:19:40.11
I need to parent in the present.
00:19:40.14\00:19:42.04
Yeah, basically, be a
parent, not a friend...
00:19:42.08\00:19:44.01
Be a parent, not a friend.
00:19:44.05\00:19:45.38
Which is critical, you know,
but here's a flip slide to it.
00:19:45.41\00:19:49.12
What if your child
who has been the bully,
00:19:49.15\00:19:51.79
what do you do then?
00:19:51.82\00:19:53.15
I mean traditionally, whippings.
00:19:53.19\00:19:54.96
Yeah.
00:19:54.99\00:19:56.32
Traditionally, but
has that been effective
00:19:56.36\00:20:01.10
to a certain
extent in our lives?
00:20:01.13\00:20:02.46
You know what can we do aside
from the traditional whipping
00:20:02.50\00:20:07.04
to help our
children not be bullies?
00:20:07.07\00:20:09.24
Go ahead. Go ahead, bud.
00:20:09.27\00:20:10.61
Oh, you're the senior. Go ahead.
00:20:10.64\00:20:11.97
Oh, I'll take it. I'll take it.
00:20:12.01\00:20:14.08
I still believe
in the whippings,
00:20:14.11\00:20:16.41
but even more,
00:20:16.44\00:20:18.18
I think having
that conversation,
00:20:18.21\00:20:20.92
having a
relationship with your children
00:20:20.95\00:20:24.02
whereby you can talk to them
00:20:24.05\00:20:25.65
and they know that
you are not a friend,
00:20:25.69\00:20:27.66
you're a parent
00:20:27.69\00:20:29.02
and you're
serious of what you say,
00:20:29.06\00:20:31.09
and I think that makes
a whole lot of difference
00:20:31.13\00:20:33.76
when the child know that,
"Hey, listen, I can't do this
00:20:33.80\00:20:37.13
because I have boundaries.
00:20:37.17\00:20:38.53
There's rules,
there's things in my home
00:20:38.57\00:20:41.97
that keeps me in
line," And if you have that...
00:20:42.00\00:20:46.47
We have sat down
with our children
00:20:46.51\00:20:48.68
and we make rules,
they're included into rules.
00:20:48.71\00:20:52.55
You do this, this
is the consequence,
00:20:52.58\00:20:54.42
if you break this rule...
00:20:54.45\00:20:56.38
And we have them
00:20:56.42\00:20:57.75
talk about what the
consequences will be.
00:20:57.79\00:21:00.36
That way, they
know that bullying,
00:21:00.39\00:21:03.49
"I can't do it
because I'm breaking the rule
00:21:03.53\00:21:05.56
and if I do, this
is the consequence,
00:21:05.59\00:21:07.60
the consequence that I
myself was a part of devising."
00:21:07.63\00:21:13.47
So I think those
are some of the things
00:21:13.50\00:21:15.20
that I think is very
important if your child is...
00:21:15.24\00:21:17.11
They need to
know their boundaries.
00:21:17.14\00:21:19.01
You know, there's this saying,
"Broken people break people."
00:21:19.04\00:21:21.64
Yeah.
00:21:21.68\00:21:23.01
You know, if a
glass is beautiful...
00:21:23.04\00:21:24.88
You know, we have a glass vase,
00:21:24.91\00:21:26.75
whatever
language you want to use,
00:21:26.78\00:21:28.55
and when it's in its
whole, it's beautiful,
00:21:28.58\00:21:31.52
but when it's
broken and you touch it,
00:21:31.55\00:21:33.99
even if it's just
a crack or totally,
00:21:34.02\00:21:37.06
you know,
broken, you can get cut,
00:21:37.09\00:21:40.50
and the same thing
would happen with children.
00:21:40.53\00:21:42.93
A lot of the children who do
bullying have some brokenness.
00:21:42.96\00:21:48.17
Yes.
00:21:48.20\00:21:49.54
They're not
getting attention at home
00:21:49.57\00:21:51.24
or they're over spoiled at home
00:21:51.27\00:21:53.78
or it is some damage
that they're getting at home
00:21:53.81\00:21:56.34
that they passed on.
00:21:56.38\00:21:58.18
How do I know this?
00:21:58.21\00:21:59.55
I'm not a psychologist,
00:21:59.58\00:22:00.92
I don't claim to
be a philosopher,
00:22:00.95\00:22:02.62
but I've seen it
also with my child,
00:22:02.65\00:22:06.12
the same son, right?
00:22:06.15\00:22:09.16
You know, there
was a time in my life,
00:22:09.19\00:22:10.63
16 hour day
shift working, right?
00:22:10.66\00:22:14.53
There was a time
00:22:14.56\00:22:15.90
where even
pastoring at the beginning,
00:22:15.93\00:22:18.37
I was everywhere the
church needed me, right?
00:22:18.40\00:22:22.04
And I notice his behavior
00:22:22.07\00:22:24.61
towards his younger brother.
00:22:24.64\00:22:28.24
He would bully
his younger brother.
00:22:28.28\00:22:32.11
Like he would have this
attitude of entitlement,
00:22:32.15\00:22:36.35
he had this
attitude of like bossiness,
00:22:36.38\00:22:39.32
you know, making fun, whatever.
00:22:39.35\00:22:41.42
So I had to sit him down,
"Tell me what's going on."
00:22:41.46\00:22:45.29
And I got to also
realize, showed me
00:22:45.33\00:22:48.53
you have not been
there enough to model him,
00:22:48.56\00:22:53.44
and good example to him.
00:22:53.47\00:22:55.20
This kid is dealing
with some things at school.
00:22:55.24\00:22:58.31
Yes, you have dealt with that,
00:22:58.34\00:23:00.51
but he still needs some guidance
00:23:00.54\00:23:02.71
on how to treat others,
you know, because he is hurt,
00:23:02.74\00:23:07.45
so he still needs some guidance.
00:23:07.48\00:23:09.18
So the beautiful thing
now I'm realizing as minister,
00:23:09.22\00:23:11.55
we don't always have to jump
00:23:11.59\00:23:14.12
to every church member's beckon.
00:23:14.16\00:23:17.36
And so what
happens is at times...
00:23:17.39\00:23:19.29
Let's just be honest.
00:23:19.33\00:23:20.66
There's times...
00:23:20.70\00:23:22.03
I'm not always busy,
00:23:22.06\00:23:23.40
I'm not always
working on a sermon,
00:23:23.43\00:23:24.77
and so there's times,
00:23:24.80\00:23:26.13
when I'm spending at home
and my children are there,
00:23:26.17\00:23:28.80
you find this new
thing of called parenting.
00:23:28.84\00:23:33.11
Now I have to, like you
said, parent in the present
00:23:33.14\00:23:36.78
and also in their presence,
00:23:36.81\00:23:41.18
not outside, you
know, call on the phone.
00:23:41.22\00:23:44.55
I have to now get
interactive with them,
00:23:44.59\00:23:48.02
get involved in
what they're doing,
00:23:48.06\00:23:50.89
and when you buy
that involvement now,
00:23:50.93\00:23:53.63
"Daddy cares about
me, daddy loves me.
00:23:53.66\00:23:56.67
So now I don't need to go
out and get his attention,
00:23:56.70\00:23:59.63
I don't need to try
to bully anybody else
00:23:59.67\00:24:01.87
because I am secure
00:24:01.90\00:24:04.07
because my parents
have established me
00:24:04.11\00:24:07.58
that I'm secure."
00:24:07.61\00:24:09.41
Now is that possible
00:24:09.44\00:24:12.45
that not everything
looks like bullying?
00:24:12.48\00:24:15.55
It looks like
bullying, but maybe it's not.
00:24:15.58\00:24:18.52
I think it's
redirection sometimes.
00:24:18.55\00:24:20.46
Yes.
00:24:20.49\00:24:21.82
You know, here is your
child or here's my child
00:24:21.86\00:24:23.32
or whoever and that child
00:24:23.36\00:24:25.49
is very much aggressive,
00:24:25.53\00:24:29.46
you know, in their behavior.
00:24:29.50\00:24:31.53
It is possible
what you're looking at
00:24:31.57\00:24:33.34
is a leader,
00:24:33.37\00:24:35.77
not so much somebody
00:24:35.80\00:24:39.74
that wants to hurt somebody,
00:24:39.77\00:24:42.41
but they're a leader.
00:24:42.44\00:24:43.78
So what you do is that
you channel that energy,
00:24:43.81\00:24:48.22
you be able to, that
present that parenting.
00:24:48.25\00:24:51.22
Look at it, look at your
son and say, "You know what?
00:24:51.25\00:24:54.06
Here's another
way you can do it."
00:24:54.09\00:24:56.39
Not to take that
ability of leadership from them,
00:24:56.42\00:25:02.06
but to help them channel
and help them to develop it,
00:25:02.10\00:25:06.53
help them to make it
positive instead of negative.
00:25:06.57\00:25:10.27
Yes, brokenness
00:25:10.31\00:25:11.64
does cause our
children to do different things
00:25:11.67\00:25:13.68
but I do think that a lot of...
00:25:13.71\00:25:15.78
I look at a lot of
kids that are bullying
00:25:15.81\00:25:18.51
and what we call
bullying, but what I see
00:25:18.55\00:25:21.08
is potential
leaders that need to,
00:25:21.12\00:25:24.42
you know, you need to be
able to sit down with them
00:25:24.45\00:25:26.55
and may have to help
them channel it in differ way.
00:25:26.59\00:25:29.79
So modeling is important.
00:25:29.82\00:25:31.39
Modeling, yes.
You keep saying this.
00:25:31.43\00:25:33.50
And modeling requires
you to invest your time,
00:25:33.53\00:25:37.57
sacrifice your time,
00:25:37.60\00:25:38.93
and show them how to
respond to things this way
00:25:38.97\00:25:42.04
Christ would have,
00:25:42.07\00:25:43.41
but it has to come
from a transformed heart...
00:25:43.44\00:25:44.77
Yes.
00:25:44.81\00:25:46.14
Which you have to let Christ do
00:25:46.17\00:25:47.51
'cause you can
model something now
00:25:47.54\00:25:48.88
that when it goes out there,
00:25:48.91\00:25:51.91
you regret it coming back.
00:25:51.95\00:25:53.62
And we have to be fathers. Yeah.
00:25:53.65\00:25:55.12
We have to be
fathers, pointing at somebody,
00:25:55.15\00:25:57.29
my dad always made time for me,
00:25:57.32\00:26:01.82
you know, my dad
always made time for me
00:26:01.86\00:26:03.66
and he always taught me that,
00:26:03.69\00:26:05.86
you know, it's about my
girls, my kids, modeling,
00:26:05.89\00:26:09.70
you know, and
being able to help them
00:26:09.73\00:26:11.60
be the best they can be
00:26:11.63\00:26:13.27
and just learn it
from the mistakes,
00:26:13.30\00:26:15.30
you know, and I think
that's important for your child
00:26:15.34\00:26:17.14
not to deal with bullying,
but also not be a bully
00:26:17.17\00:26:20.48
is give him strategies to
deal not just the physical,
00:26:20.51\00:26:23.24
even though yes,
00:26:23.28\00:26:24.61
I like teaching
my girls self-defense
00:26:24.65\00:26:25.98
mechanisms, physical,
00:26:26.01\00:26:28.05
but also, you know,
the main thing is verbal.
00:26:28.08\00:26:31.42
Yeah. Main thing is verbal.
00:26:31.45\00:26:33.56
Yeah, sticks and
stones can break your bones,
00:26:33.59\00:26:35.62
I beg to differ.
00:26:35.66\00:26:37.53
But I appreciate
what you had to say.
00:26:37.56\00:26:39.16
You know, this
could be going on forever,
00:26:39.19\00:26:42.43
so we've got to pick
it up sometime again.
00:26:42.46\00:26:44.73
And for our viewers out there,
00:26:44.77\00:26:48.24
bullying is a topic
00:26:48.27\00:26:50.61
and it's an issue
00:26:50.64\00:26:51.97
that we're
dealing with every day.
00:26:52.01\00:26:54.04
We deal with it as adults,
00:26:54.08\00:26:55.44
it just has a different meaning,
00:26:55.48\00:26:57.21
it's a different word,
but it's the same thing,
00:26:57.25\00:27:00.58
and modeling, yes,
is key to show your kids
00:27:00.62\00:27:03.75
how to deal with bullying.
00:27:03.79\00:27:05.49
And also, fathers,
create an environment
00:27:05.52\00:27:07.96
in which your
kids can talk to you,
00:27:07.99\00:27:10.33
speak to you
openly, so that way,
00:27:10.36\00:27:13.53
they can share with you
00:27:13.56\00:27:14.90
if they're going
through something,
00:27:14.93\00:27:16.26
while at the same
time not being fearful
00:27:16.30\00:27:17.63
that you're
going to go out there
00:27:17.67\00:27:19.43
and beat people up to help them.
00:27:19.47\00:27:22.10
The key is what are
you doing to harness
00:27:22.14\00:27:24.74
that relationship
with your children,
00:27:24.77\00:27:27.08
what are you doing to promote
that environment of sharing
00:27:27.11\00:27:31.71
and promote that in
heart that shines like Christ.
00:27:31.75\00:27:35.62
It's important.
00:27:35.65\00:27:36.99
Fathers, you need
to step up, step up,
00:27:37.02\00:27:40.19
not just be a protector,
00:27:40.22\00:27:42.46
but also be
somebody that can allow them
00:27:42.49\00:27:44.26
to walk through
the emotional valleys,
00:27:44.29\00:27:47.46
not alone but together with you.
00:27:47.50\00:27:50.43
And, pastors, please remember,
00:27:50.47\00:27:53.67
Jesus says Jerusalem
is your first ministry,
00:27:53.70\00:27:56.27
your home, don't forget
that as you're doing ministry.
00:27:56.30\00:27:59.81
But thank you for watching.
00:27:59.84\00:28:01.48