A good father
takes time to play.
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He has strong integrity.
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He is someone that
is truly dedicated.
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He is not afraid
to show his love.
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He is a caring provider.
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And he is a kind
spiritual leader.
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These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart.
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Hi and welcome
to A Father's Heart.
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Today, we're
going to be discussing
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on how to father adult children.
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When your kids are
little is one thing
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but then when
they're out of the house,
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with their own
rules, with their own life,
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and they come back to
you for fatherly advice
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or whatever it may
be, how do you do that?
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What do you do?
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And with me
today, to discuss that,
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my two friends, Paul and Gordon.
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How you guys doing today?
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Pretty good, man. Feeling great.
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Pretty good. Awesome.
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So fathering adult
children, like I said,
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I don't have any adult
kids, my kids are little,
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how do you deal with
your kids when they get older?
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When they have their own ideas
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or their own way of doing things
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that might not be
kosher with how you do things?
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You know, I'm gonna
let Paul start with it
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because his is older than mine,
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so he's got little
more experience on this one.
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I've a 21-year-old daughter.
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Okay.
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What I find amazing is
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how God prepares
us for all of this.
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You either are
trying to replicate
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your own childhood environment
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and what your
parenting environment was like,
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or what you knew
to be as a child,
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or you were trying to
ensure that you not repeat it.
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So in my case, environment
was quite significant.
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So I grew up in
Brooklyn, New York.
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Okay.
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From age 10 to
about my mid-20s and so,
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and every day,
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what I would say to
myself as a teenager is
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"I am not going to raise
a child in this community"
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because of all the
challenges that I experienced,
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the violence and
all that kind of stuff,
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so I wanted to
have a nice community
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that was diverse,
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good educational standard,
good standard of all...
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Wanted all those
things to be set in place.
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And then, of course,
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lay a proper
foundation within the home,
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a sound spiritual foundation.
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That's what was important to me.
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Then for me, you know, my...
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Just moving out, you know,
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he's been away to
school for one year,
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and what I find
so striking is that
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I have a different child,
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it's just
totally different child.
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You look at him
now and you wonder
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"Well, wait a minute,
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where is the young
man that I used to know?"
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He's so busy with
all kinds of stuff.
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So it's a different
paradigm in parenting him.
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You know, you can't tell him,
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you know, just
do this and do that
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without having a
more in-depth discussion.
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He's discussing
things the way...
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He wants to know why,
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he wants to know all
of these different things.
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So it's just different.
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So I have to parent
different, his mom and I,
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we have to parent different.
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We look at him and, you
know, we'll say "Well..."
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We look at each
other and we say,
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"Where is the Justin
that left here a year ago?"
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He's so different now.
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That his dad is no
longer his, you know, his buddy,
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he's got other
buddies now in his life.
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So it's a real different thing.
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So the way we
have to parent now,
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the way we
parent now is basically
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we parent to prayer.
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You can't parent by
telling him what to do.
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It's just prayer.
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So I'm praying
for the right mate,
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I'm praying for, you
know, the right career.
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So I'm praying,
and as I gently pray,
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I also will bring him
into the conversation.
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Now we've had some
stuff that we have set down
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from a long time
when he was growing up,
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you know, we want to
be a part of life choices,
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who you going to marry, who...
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We want to know,
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it's that person needs to
fit within the family system.
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But it is a
different, different,
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different dynamics, so...
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How do you deal...
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I mean, how do
you deal with that?
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'Cause you
mentioned he's off to college,
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he comes back,
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you know, by that time,
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you've already
grown up in your house,
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you know, you're the
kid, now you're the adult,
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and now you're leaving
to go have your own life,
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your own rules,
your own standard
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so you may not always agree
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with what your parents
did and how they did it.
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Right.
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How do you deal or
how do you talk about
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or provide an outlet
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for you guys to talk
about those kind of things?
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Well, if I may, I'll
start this piece here.
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I think what I
do what we do now,
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we always have that
family worship time.
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So when he comes back,
the same thing happens.
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So at family worship,
we have the opportunity
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either before or
after to sit down
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and we talk
about certain things.
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And so that
structure is still there.
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I think that is how
you really, you know,
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continue to
dialogue and making sure
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that they're going
in the right direction
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'cause yes, he's
found his own identity,
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they're going to want
to be their own person,
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and you can't stop
that, that's why I'm saying
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it's important that
you parent them to prayer
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and I would be saying that a lot
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because it is the
crucial thing is prayer.
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When you parent
them through prayer,
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God moves on their
heart so that eventually
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they're
following your directions,
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they don't even know
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they are
following your directions.
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That foundation, yeah.
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Xavier, I would say,
it's the most exciting time
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that I've had, next
to the birth itself.
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So when your child is born,
and you're holding your child,
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and, you know, you
have, where you are right now,
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you have the first one, two,
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three years of toddlerhood
and all, that's real exciting.
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This period is
extremely exciting
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because it's like you're seeing
the fruit of your product.
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And you're not so able
to engage in redirection
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as you would when your
child were in the home,
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when you could
say, hey, don't do that,
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hey, don't do this,
hey, you know, listen,
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let me talk to you
about this or that.
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Basically now, my daughter,
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our daughter is
living out her life.
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She's her own person.
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She's grown into
womanhood at age 21.
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She's making her own
choices, her own decisions
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and you're actually seeing
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what God has done
through your parenting.
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And yes, you still do
have to direct and redirect.
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Sure.
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But I don't have it as good
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as my brother
here with parenting,
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of the homecoming stuff
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'cause when our
daughter gets home, man,
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I see her when she'd
bring her luggage and say,
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"Can you help me
bring this in, Dad?"
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And then she's gone.
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She's off with some friends
somewhere to, you know...
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Same thing with mine.
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Same thing with mine,
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he is gone but we've
got a reel him in, say,
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"Hey, hey, come,
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11 o'clock you need
to be in this house."
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Yes.
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"Worship is at this time.
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So no matter what you do,
we need you here at this time."
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So that we can
still have that kind of,
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that camaraderie to still
have the conversation continue.
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But you were saying, it's...
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For me,
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when our son left
home to go to school,
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it was a bittersweet
and still is a bittersweet.
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Because, you know, you
still want the little guy,
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you're still looking
for that little guy but,
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you know, the reality is
he's no longer the little guy,
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he's now trying to find his way.
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And what I have to do at times
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is pull back and give him,
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you know, give him
room to find his way,
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give him room to make decisions,
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and when he makes the decisions,
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I allow him to test it out,
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and then I
would step in and say,
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"You know what,
let's look at it this way
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or let's look at it that way."
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So it's just a
different dynamics
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of parenting now.
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Well, and one of the things
I think about like in my life,
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even though I
have two little girls,
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when I moved out
of my parents house,
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my dad was always
the rough and tough guy,
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the guys never
shed a tear for nothing.
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And my mom
calls me and she says,
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"Your father's crying."
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And I'm like "Why?"
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I said, "Dad don't cry,
he doesn't know how to cry,
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he doesn't have tears."
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And she says,
"Well, he misses you."
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Wow.
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How do you deal
with that empty nest?
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I don't know.
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I tell you,
there is a sad moment
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but then there's still
a joyful moment in-between
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because I'm saying, now, okay,
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my wife and I,
we can do stuff now
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and our pocket's
a little heavier now
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because we can keeps
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a little more
dollars in the pocket.
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So it's a little different.
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You know, the tears were there.
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But still there is
still a joy to see him grow,
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and to see him move on,
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and to see the
changes in his life,
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that's what it's like for me.
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Well, we all have
different parenting styles.
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Some parents like to
have the physical presence
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of their child
as long as possible,
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20 years, 25 years, 30 years,
35 years at home, no problem.
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While others may be a bit
more proactive, so I'm saying,
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maybe I was a
little more like your dad.
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From about age eight,
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I started to
prepare my daughter.
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I started to tell my daughter,
"Look, by the time you are 18,
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you're going to be
one of three places.
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You're either going to
be enrolled in college,
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or you're going to be
enrolled in the military,
00:10:03.93\00:10:06.57
or you're going to be
doing mission work abroad,
00:10:06.60\00:10:09.20
but you are going to
be out of this home."
00:10:09.24\00:10:11.94
Because that was my
parenting plan and philosophy,
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I mean, it's relative to
each child's personality,
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and I saw from
a very early stage
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in my child's development
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that she was a very
independent-minded child,
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strong sanguine
choleric type traits,
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wants to do her own thing,
00:10:28.92\00:10:30.96
doesn't like to
be told what to do,
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etcetera, etcetera, okay, great.
00:10:32.69\00:10:34.16
You don't have to fight
against a child like that.
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You can help to
empower them to get there.
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So we were prepared for there,
00:10:39.37\00:10:41.47
at least I was
prepared for that very early.
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So when she was out
of the home eventually,
00:10:44.94\00:10:48.11
you know, it wasn't like
a great heartbreak for me.
00:10:48.14\00:10:50.95
Granted, she is
attending a college
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about a hour and
ten minutes away,
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that certainly helped.
00:10:55.58\00:10:56.92
Maybe if she were two days drive
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or an aircraft
flight or something,
00:11:00.16\00:11:01.59
it would have been
a bit more, you know,
00:11:01.62\00:11:03.02
traumatic for me to
deal with, but the fact that
00:11:03.06\00:11:04.93
she was just an hour
away or so, that was great.
00:11:04.96\00:11:07.30
Nice.
00:11:07.33\00:11:08.66
And the
parenting style, it is true
00:11:08.70\00:11:10.47
because I didn't leave
home until I was married.
00:11:10.50\00:11:14.70
I got married and I left home.
00:11:14.74\00:11:16.91
So for me, my son,
00:11:16.94\00:11:18.44
it's the same kind of
philosophy I have in my mind
00:11:18.47\00:11:21.28
that he can go to
school, come back...
00:11:21.31\00:11:23.91
That's the reason why
he's not going to school
00:11:23.95\00:11:26.15
so far from home,
still want to keep...
00:11:26.18\00:11:28.68
I still want to keep
some kind of a hand on him,
00:11:28.72\00:11:31.82
but yet give him
his independence.
00:11:31.85\00:11:33.89
And so hopefully, you
know, when he leaves finally,
00:11:33.92\00:11:37.93
he's leaving to get married
and to start his own life,
00:11:37.96\00:11:41.93
the philosophy is different.
00:11:41.96\00:11:44.27
But you have to know your child.
00:11:44.30\00:11:45.93
My child needs that,
he needs that guidance,
00:11:45.97\00:11:50.17
although he's trying to
find his way, he needs that,
00:11:50.21\00:11:52.94
that independence is
not fully there, yeah.
00:11:52.97\00:11:56.14
And I like that
because you mention,
00:11:56.18\00:11:57.65
you know, depends on the child,
00:11:57.68\00:11:59.68
that seems to be
parenting in general,
00:11:59.71\00:12:01.08
depends on the child.
00:12:01.12\00:12:02.65
You know, one of the
questions I would pose is,
00:12:02.68\00:12:05.65
how do you know the limitations?
00:12:05.69\00:12:07.22
For example, if
you have your child
00:12:07.26\00:12:09.69
and you're
creating an environment,
00:12:09.72\00:12:11.13
how do you draw
the line and not create
00:12:11.16\00:12:12.53
an enmeshed
relationship with your child
00:12:12.56\00:12:15.16
where you're not
giving them enough slack
00:12:15.20\00:12:17.57
to the point where they
might rebel against you,
00:12:17.60\00:12:19.37
like basically
where they don't feel like
00:12:19.40\00:12:21.30
they're
overpowered by your parenting?
00:12:21.34\00:12:25.41
Yeah, that's about balance.
00:12:25.44\00:12:26.78
You'll have to have balance.
00:12:26.81\00:12:28.31
You have to give
them enough space,
00:12:28.34\00:12:32.68
but then you're always there.
00:12:32.71\00:12:36.32
For us, it's conversation,
00:12:36.35\00:12:38.35
for us, is, like I
was saying earlier,
00:12:38.39\00:12:40.79
is that the time
where we have the devotion,
00:12:40.82\00:12:44.76
when we sit down, and we,
you know, we pray together,
00:12:44.79\00:12:47.56
we talk together.
00:12:47.60\00:12:48.96
Now we talked in our
devotions at this time,
00:12:49.00\00:12:52.03
you know, it's different issues,
00:12:52.07\00:12:53.47
life issues that
we would deal with,
00:12:53.50\00:12:55.90
look it in the Scripture,
00:12:55.94\00:12:57.27
we look through
Solomon, you know.
00:12:57.31\00:12:58.64
If there's
something that he is...
00:12:58.67\00:13:01.81
Or him and my daughter,
they're kind of edgy about,
00:13:01.84\00:13:04.25
we'll look through the Scripture
00:13:04.28\00:13:05.65
for some guidance.
00:13:05.68\00:13:07.32
Because I believe
that's where we find guidance.
00:13:07.35\00:13:09.68
So you have to have the balance,
00:13:09.72\00:13:12.05
give them that space,
and allow them to grow,
00:13:12.09\00:13:15.96
so it's not an
enmeshed situation.
00:13:15.99\00:13:17.96
Well, bro, let me confess.
00:13:17.99\00:13:19.46
For me, this has been
a grace-based process.
00:13:19.49\00:13:25.43
Parenting does have to do
with a lot of trial and error,
00:13:25.47\00:13:28.77
not everything
that you intend to do
00:13:28.80\00:13:31.21
works out the way you
desire it etcetera, etcetera.
00:13:31.24\00:13:34.61
So what's good about this
is God and His resourcefulness,
00:13:34.64\00:13:39.75
and God being able to
take what you intended to do,
00:13:39.78\00:13:43.95
when you do it wrong that is,
00:13:43.99\00:13:46.25
and still use it constructively,
00:13:46.29\00:13:48.72
you know, it's amazing.
00:13:48.76\00:13:50.09
Our God is the most
destructive-constructive force
00:13:50.13\00:13:54.20
that I know on earth.
00:13:54.23\00:13:55.63
He takes everything
and makes good of it
00:13:55.66\00:13:57.27
and that's it.
00:13:57.30\00:13:58.63
So for our
daughter, man, I messed up.
00:13:58.67\00:14:02.30
I made a lot of
mistakes at times.
00:14:02.34\00:14:05.34
I mean, even considering
that my secondary job,
00:14:05.37\00:14:08.54
I work as a
counselor, I work with families,
00:14:08.58\00:14:11.85
and my role is to
provide counseling
00:14:11.88\00:14:15.02
for at-risk families,
and I would teach my clients,
00:14:15.05\00:14:18.25
you know, hey, don't
do this, don't do that,
00:14:18.29\00:14:20.72
don't speak to
your child this way,
00:14:20.76\00:14:22.52
don't be this rigid,
you know, be more inclusive,
00:14:22.56\00:14:26.33
exercise a
greater degree of liberty,
00:14:26.36\00:14:28.80
use what we call
democratic parenting,
00:14:28.83\00:14:31.43
and all these
parenting techniques
00:14:31.47\00:14:33.44
that I would teach parents,
00:14:33.47\00:14:34.80
then I would come
home at times and lose it.
00:14:34.84\00:14:38.57
Literally, lose it, man.
00:14:38.61\00:14:39.94
Yeah.
00:14:39.97\00:14:41.31
Because I saw some situation
that, you know, yeah...
00:14:41.34\00:14:43.91
But now, as I said,
00:14:43.95\00:14:46.35
it's amazing to see
the fruit of our labor.
00:14:46.38\00:14:50.65
But because of God's grace.
00:14:50.69\00:14:53.29
So now, yeah, there are
things that I worry about,
00:14:53.32\00:14:56.52
you know, I'm always
filtering her peer group,
00:14:56.56\00:14:59.23
whenever I meet a new
friend or a group of friends,
00:14:59.26\00:15:01.50
you know, I'm
watching them very carefully,
00:15:01.53\00:15:03.87
and I'm praying
because, of course,
00:15:03.90\00:15:06.23
I don't want her to be receptive
00:15:06.27\00:15:08.74
to any kind of
negative influence
00:15:08.77\00:15:10.24
that's going to take
her in the wrong direction.
00:15:10.27\00:15:12.27
Well, hallelujah,
praise God for that foundation,
00:15:12.31\00:15:15.21
for that Spirit fill,
Christ-centered foundation
00:15:15.24\00:15:18.75
that we're able
to lay in the home,
00:15:18.78\00:15:20.68
in a Christian home,
00:15:20.72\00:15:22.05
so that now our
children is there, your son,
00:15:22.08\00:15:24.35
my daughter, they are out,
00:15:24.39\00:15:26.45
I'm assured that
they're making the right choice.
00:15:26.49\00:15:29.02
That's the text
that comes to mind,
00:15:29.06\00:15:31.43
"Train up a child
the way he should go,
00:15:31.46\00:15:33.03
and when he is old,
00:15:33.06\00:15:34.40
he will not
depart from the way."
00:15:34.43\00:15:37.70
He may or they may leave,
00:15:37.73\00:15:40.34
but the training
what you've instilled
00:15:40.37\00:15:43.71
in the home from
young, it stays with them.
00:15:43.74\00:15:46.04
Right.
00:15:46.07\00:15:47.41
And they'll always have that.
00:15:47.44\00:15:48.78
Yeah.
00:15:48.81\00:15:50.15
But with that, I would say too,
we can leave room for error,
00:15:50.18\00:15:53.75
you know, we're not
00:15:53.78\00:15:55.25
or I am not
raising a perfect child,
00:15:55.28\00:15:57.45
I was not the perfect child,
00:15:57.49\00:15:59.25
I was way on the
other side of the spectrum.
00:15:59.29\00:16:02.26
So it's to understand that
00:16:02.29\00:16:04.53
that is part of
their developmental process
00:16:04.56\00:16:06.59
also that they
will make mistakes,
00:16:06.63\00:16:09.06
they will make wrong choices,
they will do or say things
00:16:09.10\00:16:12.67
that you're not
happy with or proud of,
00:16:12.70\00:16:14.94
but it's also part of
their developmental experience.
00:16:14.97\00:16:19.04
And yes, we have to
know when to step in,
00:16:19.07\00:16:20.94
especially if it's
something that is going to
00:16:20.98\00:16:25.45
put them in some
significant amount of danger.
00:16:25.48\00:16:28.38
But outside of that, you know,
00:16:28.42\00:16:29.75
it's like when your
little girl is learning to walk,
00:16:29.78\00:16:31.85
you know, there are times
00:16:31.89\00:16:33.22
you kind of let the
toddler bump into this
00:16:33.25\00:16:35.69
or in some cases, you know,
00:16:35.72\00:16:37.79
the toddler is going
and explore something
00:16:37.83\00:16:39.63
that's going to be
a little bit painful.
00:16:39.66\00:16:42.03
Yeah, you go ahead
and let them, you know,
00:16:42.06\00:16:43.57
open that little
container of black pepper
00:16:43.60\00:16:46.10
and start to sneeze,
and then you'll know okay,
00:16:46.13\00:16:48.54
don't mess with it.
00:16:48.57\00:16:50.61
You see, that's what gets me
00:16:50.64\00:16:52.41
'cause I do that
with my girls but my wife,
00:16:52.44\00:16:58.01
"Why don't you
let her get bumped?"
00:16:58.05\00:16:59.81
"She's got to learn, you know,
00:16:59.85\00:17:01.42
she's got to learn,
let her bump herself."
00:17:01.45\00:17:02.92
Like my youngest
scratched her nose,
00:17:02.95\00:17:05.15
she fell down, and she
took a piece of skin off,
00:17:05.19\00:17:08.19
and she was
crying, and I'm like,
00:17:08.22\00:17:10.19
I always tell my
kids, "You bleed it,
00:17:10.23\00:17:12.46
you done it,
you'll be all right."
00:17:12.49\00:17:14.20
"You'll be all right."
00:17:14.23\00:17:15.63
"You'll be all right,
go about your business."
00:17:15.66\00:17:18.30
You know, I think that's
also a difference of approach
00:17:18.33\00:17:20.74
between mom and dad, you know,
00:17:20.77\00:17:22.80
there's differences
on how you handle it
00:17:22.84\00:17:25.01
and one of the things I
always questioned, I guess,
00:17:25.04\00:17:29.64
in a Christian home, as
you said, the balance and,
00:17:29.68\00:17:34.02
you know, what if
your son or daughter,
00:17:34.05\00:17:37.12
your child comes to
you and says to you,
00:17:37.15\00:17:39.42
"I no longer believe
in God, I'm a Satanist,
00:17:39.45\00:17:44.16
I'm an atheist,
I'm an agnostic."
00:17:44.19\00:17:47.26
Now mind you,
we're all ministers.
00:17:47.30\00:17:50.80
We're all
supposed to have it right.
00:17:50.83\00:17:53.44
You come from a minister's home,
00:17:53.47\00:17:56.50
you're supposed to believe
in God the rest of your life,
00:17:56.54\00:17:58.54
yeah, you know,
00:17:58.57\00:17:59.91
the child and train
them the way they should go.
00:17:59.94\00:18:01.81
But what if...
00:18:01.84\00:18:03.18
What if, you know, they
come to you and say that?
00:18:03.21\00:18:05.51
What do you do?
00:18:05.55\00:18:06.88
Oh, that's a real rough one.
00:18:06.92\00:18:08.25
But I can say, let me
put it in this context,
00:18:08.28\00:18:11.52
my son said to me, he
called me, I was travelling,
00:18:11.55\00:18:13.92
he called me, he said, "Dad!"
00:18:13.96\00:18:15.59
And he started questioning,
he went into some pantheism,
00:18:15.62\00:18:19.96
he was listening to somebody
who were having the discussion
00:18:20.00\00:18:22.26
and God is in
the trees, the air,
00:18:22.30\00:18:24.07
all these different things
that he began to ask me about.
00:18:24.10\00:18:27.27
He began to
believe this kind of stuff.
00:18:27.30\00:18:30.01
Inside, I got angry.
00:18:30.04\00:18:32.97
He didn't know I
was, I was stewing.
00:18:33.01\00:18:36.01
Because I'm like, wait a minute,
00:18:36.04\00:18:37.71
we taught you better than this,
00:18:37.75\00:18:39.71
where you're
coming with all this.
00:18:39.75\00:18:42.22
So that anger started to
build inside of me and I said,
00:18:42.25\00:18:46.49
"God, help me,
help me to keep calm."
00:18:46.52\00:18:48.62
So I can only imagine
00:18:48.66\00:18:50.46
if he is to pull
that kind of stunt,
00:18:50.49\00:18:52.13
I might just totally lose it.
00:18:52.16\00:18:54.93
So I think it's a
danger, you know, from me,
00:18:54.96\00:18:58.93
I have to be
able to watch myself.
00:18:58.97\00:19:01.67
But yet, I don't
think we can force them
00:19:01.70\00:19:05.97
to make choices,
00:19:06.01\00:19:07.98
they have to make the choice
and you prayerfully have to...
00:19:08.01\00:19:12.11
You just got to keep praying.
00:19:12.15\00:19:13.85
And hope that
somehow God will intervene
00:19:13.88\00:19:17.55
and change the heart
00:19:17.59\00:19:19.25
because only Jesus
can change the heart,
00:19:19.29\00:19:21.26
only Jesus can
make those changes.
00:19:21.29\00:19:23.93
We can't, as parents,
00:19:23.96\00:19:25.49
we can just give the best advice
00:19:25.53\00:19:27.16
that we possibly can,
nothing else we can do.
00:19:27.20\00:19:29.06
Amen. Amen.
00:19:29.10\00:19:30.80
Knowing your child is important,
00:19:30.83\00:19:32.93
and as we shared earlier,
00:19:32.97\00:19:34.97
each child has
their own temperament,
00:19:35.00\00:19:38.74
their own personality,
00:19:38.77\00:19:41.24
what you can say to
child A or instruct child A,
00:19:41.28\00:19:45.95
you may not necessarily be able
to do it the same with child B.
00:19:45.98\00:19:49.12
You have to work
within their temperament
00:19:49.15\00:19:51.69
and their personality profile.
00:19:51.72\00:19:54.72
It's scary, man,
00:19:54.76\00:19:56.09
there's no
other way to say that.
00:19:56.12\00:19:57.46
Once again, we're
talking about this
00:19:57.49\00:19:58.83
grace-based process, you know.
00:19:58.86\00:20:00.26
So that is one of the
areas definitely where
00:20:00.30\00:20:03.80
God calls us to
stay on our knees.
00:20:03.83\00:20:05.77
Yes.
00:20:05.80\00:20:07.14
I'd be praying for our children,
00:20:07.17\00:20:08.50
saturate them in prayer, daily.
00:20:08.54\00:20:10.47
I mean, I will be in traffic
00:20:10.51\00:20:12.07
and just start
praying for my daughter
00:20:12.11\00:20:13.94
'cause I don't
know what's going on.
00:20:13.98\00:20:15.51
Share with you quickly,
was driving in New York once
00:20:15.54\00:20:17.78
and had one of
those nice daddy-daughter,
00:20:17.81\00:20:19.61
you know, talk, it
was just the two of us
00:20:19.65\00:20:20.98
driving in New York.
00:20:21.02\00:20:22.48
And I was becoming concerned
because there were quite a few
00:20:22.52\00:20:26.76
of my daughter peer
that were seemingly gay
00:20:26.79\00:20:31.96
or within that
lifestyle for some extent.
00:20:31.99\00:20:35.63
And I started to question,
you know, man, you know,
00:20:35.66\00:20:38.70
how many gay friends she got,
this kind of stuff I'm asking,
00:20:38.73\00:20:42.24
her mom and I are talking about
and praying about and so forth.
00:20:42.27\00:20:45.04
And so I start to
have this conversation
00:20:45.07\00:20:46.81
with my daughter
as we are driving
00:20:46.84\00:20:48.21
and started talking
about the biblical model,
00:20:48.24\00:20:50.08
and the nuclear
family, and God's ideal,
00:20:50.11\00:20:52.78
and God's expectation,
and God loves everyone but...
00:20:52.81\00:20:55.85
My daughter
cuts me and she says,
00:20:55.88\00:20:57.22
"Dad, dad, I like boys.
00:20:57.25\00:21:00.06
I like boys, okay?"
00:21:00.09\00:21:01.42
Because she saw
00:21:01.46\00:21:02.79
where I was going with
that degree of insecurity,
00:21:02.82\00:21:05.26
and I was getting to
the part of, you know,
00:21:05.29\00:21:06.86
"I would love
you unconditionally
00:21:06.90\00:21:08.26
and so on and so forth."
00:21:08.30\00:21:09.93
She stopped me there
and she said, you know,
00:21:09.96\00:21:12.43
she put me at ease.
00:21:12.47\00:21:13.97
So it is important
also once again for us
00:21:14.00\00:21:18.57
to know our children
00:21:18.61\00:21:20.98
and know regardless of what
we may have as an insecurity,
00:21:21.01\00:21:26.51
you know, trust your child
00:21:26.55\00:21:28.42
and you still have to
address those tough issues.
00:21:28.45\00:21:31.35
Now my child
becoming a Satanist,
00:21:31.39\00:21:34.26
bro, that one, yeah,
that one right there is stuff
00:21:34.29\00:21:38.46
but I will have to love
my daughter all the same.
00:21:38.49\00:21:41.90
I would still approach
00:21:41.93\00:21:43.37
even that
situation with tough love,
00:21:43.40\00:21:46.07
you know, which means I
may have to set boundaries,
00:21:46.10\00:21:49.07
I may have to say, you know,
00:21:49.10\00:21:51.41
"Look, those things
cannot come into our home."
00:21:51.44\00:21:54.34
Right.
00:21:54.38\00:21:56.28
That talk, that behavior,
that conversation, you know,
00:21:56.31\00:21:59.98
I've even
restricted certain clothing
00:22:00.02\00:22:02.38
because, you know,
00:22:02.42\00:22:04.12
I had a bit of a fight
with her a few years back also
00:22:04.15\00:22:06.32
because she had
a CD from a singer
00:22:06.35\00:22:09.62
that really troubled me,
00:22:09.66\00:22:11.36
the lyrics were
about suicide, and death,
00:22:11.39\00:22:14.66
and all this kind of
stuff, and, you know,
00:22:14.70\00:22:16.56
I did something I
wouldn't normally do.
00:22:16.60\00:22:18.80
I took the CD
without her permission
00:22:18.83\00:22:20.64
and crushed it.
00:22:20.67\00:22:22.00
And I put $20 on the vanity
where the CD was, of course,
00:22:22.04\00:22:26.21
after then she came back,
00:22:26.24\00:22:27.58
"Have you seen my CD"
duh, duh, duh, I said,
00:22:27.61\00:22:30.01
"Baby, that does not
belong in this house, you know,
00:22:30.05\00:22:33.88
but you have $20 to
reimburse you for the purchase."
00:22:33.92\00:22:37.05
Hugged there, sat
down, talked, prayed,
00:22:37.09\00:22:38.82
and explain to her
why it was a deal-breaker,
00:22:38.85\00:22:42.82
you know, we just...
00:22:42.86\00:22:44.19
Some things, we
just don't allow,
00:22:44.23\00:22:47.20
you don't want to play, yeah,
00:22:47.23\00:22:48.56
you don't want
to play with, right.
00:22:48.60\00:22:49.93
You love them
00:22:49.96\00:22:51.30
but you're not
going to tolerate...
00:22:51.33\00:22:52.67
Yeah.
00:22:52.70\00:22:54.04
You know, certain behaviors.
00:22:54.07\00:22:55.40
So if you're going
to try to be a Satanist
00:22:55.44\00:22:57.11
or whatever
religion, yeah, in this house,
00:22:57.14\00:22:59.71
as my mom used to say to me,
00:22:59.74\00:23:01.31
"When you come in this
house, certain things apply.
00:23:01.34\00:23:04.88
You can't bring things in here,
you can't do certain things."
00:23:04.91\00:23:08.18
And I think as parent, we
have to do the same thing.
00:23:08.22\00:23:11.75
What is happening now is
that, even in a Christian home,
00:23:11.79\00:23:15.39
parents are allowing the
children to rule at home.
00:23:15.42\00:23:19.93
So the children can do
whatever they want to do
00:23:19.96\00:23:22.23
and they can say
whatever they want to say.
00:23:22.26\00:23:24.17
In my house, it's
not going to happen,
00:23:24.20\00:23:26.40
it's not going
to down like that.
00:23:26.43\00:23:28.57
I think, you know,
00:23:28.60\00:23:29.94
you both
brought some good points
00:23:29.97\00:23:31.31
as having that balance and pray
00:23:31.34\00:23:34.11
because that
Satanist kid, that was me.
00:23:34.14\00:23:37.65
I told my parents, you
know, I don't believe in God.
00:23:37.68\00:23:40.62
Wow.
00:23:40.65\00:23:42.12
Because He's mean,
00:23:42.15\00:23:43.52
He doesn't give me
stuff, He restricts me.
00:23:43.55\00:23:46.25
Seeing, you know, if He...
00:23:46.29\00:23:47.62
if God is real,
Satan is real too.
00:23:47.66\00:23:50.29
And, you know, and I
think that was the critical part
00:23:50.33\00:23:52.43
that they love
me no matter what,
00:23:52.46\00:23:55.16
they didn't love what
I did but they loved me.
00:23:55.20\00:23:59.10
And that love and that prayer
is what brought me out of it
00:23:59.13\00:24:03.27
out of 12 years of it, you know,
00:24:03.30\00:24:05.87
that's the critical
thing that, you know,
00:24:05.91\00:24:08.48
especially as
ministers, you know,
00:24:08.51\00:24:09.94
we talk so much
to the congregation,
00:24:09.98\00:24:12.68
we give so much
advice to the congregation,
00:24:12.71\00:24:14.45
we go home, we
act complete opposite,
00:24:14.48\00:24:16.22
you know,
00:24:16.25\00:24:17.59
it's so critical
that we educate ourselves
00:24:17.62\00:24:20.09
and our children on
what the love of God is.
00:24:20.12\00:24:23.66
It's not some fairy in
the sky, not so fluffy,
00:24:23.69\00:24:26.43
you know, let's
feel goodness, let's...
00:24:26.46\00:24:28.13
These are the rules that's
what you have to know, know.
00:24:28.16\00:24:30.13
This is God, inclusive,
He loves you no matter what,
00:24:30.17\00:24:34.17
we're going to get
through this together,
00:24:34.20\00:24:35.60
however, there are boundaries
00:24:35.64\00:24:37.71
and which have to be exercised
because God has boundaries.
00:24:37.74\00:24:42.91
You know, and that's
the critical part that,
00:24:42.94\00:24:46.21
you know, will
win your child's love,
00:24:46.25\00:24:49.32
it's your ability to
give him wings to fly.
00:24:49.35\00:24:52.55
Amen. Amen.
00:24:52.59\00:24:54.49
That is so important
what you're saying there.
00:24:54.52\00:24:58.66
My own example, I was raised
00:24:58.69\00:25:00.73
in a very
conservative fundamental
00:25:00.76\00:25:03.10
Adventist
environment and growing up,
00:25:03.13\00:25:06.67
naturally, those
traits were in me.
00:25:06.70\00:25:10.14
If I could change something,
00:25:10.17\00:25:12.61
I would go back to the
earlier years of my daughter,
00:25:12.64\00:25:15.81
our daughter's nurture,
00:25:15.84\00:25:17.38
and I would be a lot
more Christ-centered,
00:25:17.41\00:25:19.98
as opposed to being
fundamental, doctrinal,
00:25:20.02\00:25:23.89
you know, and so forth
because I think it's important,
00:25:23.92\00:25:27.26
and a lot of our kids
00:25:27.29\00:25:28.92
have not been
introduced to Jesus.
00:25:28.96\00:25:31.09
Right.
00:25:31.13\00:25:32.46
So I haven't had
as much challenges,
00:25:32.49\00:25:34.66
nothing of the sort of
atheism, or agnosticism,
00:25:34.70\00:25:38.80
or anything of that sort,
00:25:38.83\00:25:40.64
but there has been
a bit of resistance
00:25:40.67\00:25:44.17
towards
mainstream Christian culture
00:25:44.21\00:25:47.74
and the rigidity that we may
have experienced in our church,
00:25:47.78\00:25:52.95
this very structured,
00:25:52.98\00:25:55.42
rigid environment
that some of us may foster,
00:25:55.45\00:25:58.32
especially as pastors.
00:25:58.35\00:26:01.39
You know, pastoral home,
my kid got to look this way,
00:26:01.42\00:26:04.13
he got to look that
way, she got to look,
00:26:04.16\00:26:05.69
you know, and
so on and so forth,
00:26:05.73\00:26:07.20
and we put a lot of
emphasis on structure...
00:26:07.23\00:26:12.40
Devotion being guarding
the edges of the Sabbath,
00:26:12.43\00:26:16.10
and dress the core,
and so forth and so on.
00:26:16.14\00:26:20.34
But we must
ensure that we take time
00:26:20.38\00:26:22.94
to introduce our
children to Jesus.
00:26:22.98\00:26:24.88
Yeah.
00:26:24.91\00:26:26.25
They must know
Jesus for who He is.
00:26:26.28\00:26:27.92
They must understand
the plan of salvation.
00:26:27.95\00:26:29.48
Yeah.
00:26:29.52\00:26:30.85
They must understand
the value of justification,
00:26:30.89\00:26:33.82
and they must understand
that God is not a judgmental God
00:26:33.86\00:26:38.46
in the sense that He is,
you know, and they see God
00:26:38.49\00:26:41.96
through our parenting
is what I'm trying to say.
00:26:42.00\00:26:44.10
Right.
00:26:44.13\00:26:45.47
So if they cannot see
grace in my parenting,
00:26:45.50\00:26:48.67
if they cannot see love
and humility in my parenting,
00:26:48.70\00:26:51.67
and just like the
plan of salvation for us,
00:26:51.71\00:26:54.01
when I found out that Christ
00:26:54.04\00:26:56.21
had lived that
perfect life for me,
00:26:56.24\00:26:58.38
when I found out that
Christ had already done the work
00:26:58.41\00:27:01.68
and that it was up to me
to maintain a devotional life
00:27:01.72\00:27:05.42
with Him of
trust, and He basically
00:27:05.45\00:27:09.36
will lay everything in order.
00:27:09.39\00:27:11.19
So we have to
demonstrate the same thing
00:27:11.23\00:27:13.50
in our parenting
with our children,
00:27:13.53\00:27:15.26
don't make it seem
impossible to them.
00:27:15.30\00:27:17.20
Man, and I really appreciate
everything you guys have shared
00:27:17.23\00:27:19.37
because we could
probably keep going
00:27:19.40\00:27:22.07
for another few hours with this
00:27:22.10\00:27:23.47
because it's so deep
and so ingrained into
00:27:23.51\00:27:27.14
what we need to do as fathers.
00:27:27.18\00:27:29.04
And it's so difficult to do it.
00:27:29.08\00:27:31.48
But I appreciate it,
00:27:31.51\00:27:32.85
and I really do appreciate
everything you said today.
00:27:32.88\00:27:35.72
And for everybody
out there, you know,
00:27:35.75\00:27:39.49
fatherhood doesn't
come with a manual,
00:27:39.52\00:27:42.19
it doesn't give you the
good, the bad, and the ugly,
00:27:42.22\00:27:46.76
that's why you have
to rely on God so much.
00:27:46.80\00:27:49.56
Your kids are not
perfect, neither are you and,
00:27:49.60\00:27:53.17
you know, there's times
that you're going to mess up
00:27:53.20\00:27:54.80
but you got to leave
that room for flexibility
00:27:54.84\00:27:57.94
and room for error.
00:27:57.97\00:27:59.34
But never leave
room for the devil
00:27:59.37\00:28:01.88
to take over your children.
00:28:01.91\00:28:03.65
So please, always stay mindful,
00:28:03.68\00:28:05.75
stay prayerful,
and love your kids.
00:28:05.78\00:28:07.88
Thank you for watching.
00:28:07.92\00:28:09.25