A good father takes time to play
00:00:01.36\00:00:03.60
He has strong integrity
00:00:05.30\00:00:07.07
He is someone
that is truly dedicated
00:00:07.97\00:00:10.04
He's not afraid to show his love
00:00:11.71\00:00:14.04
He is a caring provider
00:00:15.84\00:00:17.88
And, he's a
kind, spiritual leader
00:00:19.91\00:00:22.58
These are just a few ways
to describe a father's heart
00:00:22.62\00:00:26.19
Hi. Perdido en accion.
Confused as to what I said?
00:00:30.53\00:00:34.20
That's missing in
action in Spanish.
00:00:34.23\00:00:36.33
That's probably how your child
feels because you're not there
00:00:36.87\00:00:39.43
So today we're gonna be talking
about that missing in action
00:00:39.47\00:00:42.67
and steps for being
there for your child.
00:00:42.70\00:00:44.57
And with me today to talk
about that are Gordon and Denry
00:00:44.61\00:00:48.51
How you guys doin?
Pretty good man. Good.
00:00:48.54\00:00:50.55
Glad to be back. Were you
confused with the introduction
00:00:50.58\00:00:52.58
right there with the Spanish?
00:00:52.61\00:00:53.95
Didn't know where you
were going with that, yeah
00:00:53.98\00:00:55.42
I'm telling you that's the thing
when fathers are missing in
00:00:55.45\00:00:58.15
action, it's like speaking
another language to the child
00:00:58.19\00:01:01.42
They don't know where to
go, what to do, how to do it
00:01:01.46\00:01:04.16
because they don't
understand the world around them
00:01:04.19\00:01:07.66
That's what we're there
for. What do you guys think?
00:01:07.70\00:01:10.20
I don't mean to
always jump first.
00:01:11.07\00:01:13.07
But I went to Costa Rica, my
stepfather took us to Costa Rica
00:01:16.24\00:01:20.08
and I literally felt
like a fish out of water
00:01:20.11\00:01:22.98
Everyone was speaking
Spanish you know and I'm like Ah
00:01:23.45\00:01:27.78
I didn't know how to communicate
I didn't know how to get things
00:01:27.82\00:01:31.52
across like food, I knew
one or two words but all I could
00:01:31.55\00:01:35.19
keep saying was agua, poquito
just small little things, but
00:01:35.22\00:01:39.43
I had to, it was really
confusing and so I can imagine
00:01:40.60\00:01:43.67
when you say how a child feels.
Going into this world with the
00:01:43.70\00:01:48.27
genetics that is embedded in
him the culture that's embedded
00:01:48.30\00:01:51.84
in him and don't have
a father to guide them.
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So when I finally had an
interpreter now I felt like
00:01:55.84\00:02:00.28
yeah, ok. This is what
I need this is what I need
00:02:00.32\00:02:02.65
what I want to eat, Pollo means
chicken and all that you know
00:02:02.68\00:02:06.45
so all these things and
when you don't have someone
00:02:06.49\00:02:09.19
and so I guess in this case
then a father is almost like the
00:02:09.22\00:02:13.09
interpreter because he's
had experience. So dad how do I
00:02:13.13\00:02:19.17
put my shoes on, tie my shoelace
dad how do I deal with puberty
00:02:19.20\00:02:23.30
dad I'm thinking about getting
married. So a father would be
00:02:23.34\00:02:26.94
like a good interpreter in this
case to help us in the language
00:02:26.98\00:02:31.78
of life. Yeah when a father is
missing in the home, that child
00:02:31.81\00:02:37.89
is void of a lot of
things that a father needs to do
00:02:37.92\00:02:42.36
that a mother can't do and
we find a lot of black men that
00:02:42.39\00:02:49.30
end up in prison cells. A lot of
them come from fatherless homes
00:02:49.33\00:02:53.87
because there was no one there
to guide them, no one there to
00:02:54.74\00:02:57.37
interpret the world for them
and so it's very important for
00:02:57.41\00:03:02.14
fathers being
there for our children
00:03:02.18\00:03:04.21
What do you do though when you
find yourself in this type of
00:03:04.25\00:03:09.08
predicament? Of being without
a father? How do we encourage
00:03:09.12\00:03:13.96
our men out there to step up
and be better fathers instead of
00:03:13.99\00:03:19.09
being missing in action,
being there for their children.
00:03:19.13\00:03:21.83
What are some of the things
that some of those guys can do
00:03:21.86\00:03:23.77
as fathers, what can we do?
00:03:23.80\00:03:25.43
I know how valuable what
he's saying. Having a father's
00:03:25.47\00:03:29.17
presence, not just the presence
but active involved fathers
00:03:29.20\00:03:33.48
I watched a documentary years
ago about, in Chicago, about
00:03:33.51\00:03:38.35
why the prisoner rate is so high
and they interviewed an inmate
00:03:38.38\00:03:42.05
and he said, and he was
like this, he said I never saw
00:03:42.08\00:03:45.52
a lawyer in my community.
I never saw a banker or CEOs
00:03:45.55\00:03:51.23
all I saw was drunks, all I saw
was drug dealers you know I saw
00:03:51.26\00:03:56.33
all these negative things.
So he saw that's the only thing
00:03:56.36\00:04:00.54
he could accomplish in his life
and he didn't have his father
00:04:00.57\00:04:04.57
so all he saw was these things
so even the presence of being
00:04:04.61\00:04:09.64
active, and the key word is
active. Because you can be there
00:04:09.68\00:04:13.31
and still missing. Yeah.
00:04:13.35\00:04:15.65
But being active, you could be
something that your son or your
00:04:15.68\00:04:19.15
daughter looks up to.
Man. my dad is a good mechanic
00:04:19.19\00:04:24.33
I want to be a better mechanic.
I want to own my own mechanic
00:04:24.36\00:04:27.36
shop. You know those kinda
things. Something that your
00:04:27.40\00:04:30.00
child can look up to by
you being actively involved
00:04:30.03\00:04:34.47
in your child's life. You're
talking about Chicago, that's
00:04:34.50\00:04:37.07
my city of ministry. And I tell
you the church I pastor on the
00:04:37.11\00:04:42.78
South side of Chicago, lots
of young men without fathers
00:04:42.81\00:04:49.85
in their lives. And so you find
that their behavior is spiraling
00:04:49.88\00:04:55.42
out of control. You even find
that they adopt some of their
00:04:55.46\00:05:01.66
mothers behaviors and mannerisms
so a father being in a home
00:05:01.70\00:05:07.77
is very important and being
there, like you said you have
00:05:07.80\00:05:11.27
to be there because you can
be there and really not be there
00:05:11.31\00:05:14.98
You can be a father
with children and in the home
00:05:15.01\00:05:20.48
but you come home, you're
so busy with work, so busy
00:05:20.52\00:05:23.79
with church, so busy
with all kinds of stuff
00:05:23.82\00:05:26.65
and the child is playing by
themselves or you know the child
00:05:26.69\00:05:30.33
is just there by himself
and no one is there for them.
00:05:30.36\00:05:32.76
And I think being there and
being actively involved in their
00:05:32.79\00:05:35.80
lives and that's one
thing my wife would always do.
00:05:35.83\00:05:38.80
As a minister, you can be
home and attending to everybody
00:05:38.83\00:05:46.31
else's family but your
own. And I thank God for my wife
00:05:46.34\00:05:51.45
she'd say, you know
you're here but you're not here.
00:05:51.48\00:05:54.18
And every now and again I have
to make the conscious effort
00:05:54.22\00:05:58.85
because of my past because of
my father, my father he worked
00:05:58.89\00:06:07.43
away from home so he
would come home every weekend
00:06:07.46\00:06:10.80
and even when he was home on
the weekend, he was still busy.
00:06:10.83\00:06:15.64
Because he didn't go to church
with us, we went to church
00:06:15.67\00:06:18.17
by ourselves. So he would be
home but not home. So we were
00:06:18.21\00:06:23.24
still by ourselves. My mom
was the one that played cricket
00:06:23.28\00:06:26.55
you guys know what
cricket is. Uh huh.
00:06:26.58\00:06:28.55
My mom's the one who
played sports with us.
00:06:29.08\00:06:31.12
Not my dad. I didn't have dad.
00:06:31.15\00:06:35.02
So I love him to death because
he was my dad, he was my hero
00:06:35.06\00:06:41.43
but still he was
busy with providing for us
00:06:41.46\00:06:46.80
Now I can tell you we
didn't want for anything.
00:06:46.84\00:06:49.90
We had everything we need
because dad was a provider
00:06:49.94\00:06:53.14
but what I needed was him being
there. And that's why I tried
00:06:53.17\00:06:59.68
to stay, be in my children's
lives because as much as I can
00:06:59.71\00:07:03.75
and yes sometimes you have
to work, you have to provide
00:07:03.79\00:07:07.79
but you've got to spend time
with your children, you have to
00:07:07.82\00:07:10.19
be there for
them and not missing.
00:07:10.23\00:07:12.36
So what you're saying is
now is.......I know you guys
00:07:12.39\00:07:15.33
you're pastors I'm chaplain but
we all preach and we minister
00:07:15.36\00:07:18.40
so what you're saying is we can
minister to everybody else and
00:07:18.43\00:07:22.84
even minister to our family.
What you're saying is the fact
00:07:22.87\00:07:25.17
that perhaps the ministry that
we're called to do sometimes we
00:07:25.21\00:07:31.01
hang on to the phone a little
bit too long in the calling
00:07:31.05\00:07:33.98
and forget about our first
ministry, which is our family.
00:07:34.02\00:07:36.58
So we can be missing
in action in our own home
00:07:36.62\00:07:39.55
I'm guilty. I mean I'm guilty.
00:07:39.59\00:07:43.12
To be quite honest you've got
the phone ringing, you've got
00:07:43.16\00:07:47.86
everybody else calling and you
are attendant to everyone else
00:07:47.90\00:07:51.73
but then there's that child
at home and you're there in the
00:07:52.63\00:07:58.74
house but you're not
there. So that's another form of
00:07:58.77\00:08:01.74
missing in action. But I took
some steps, conscious effort
00:08:01.78\00:08:06.72
to make sure that I can shut
things down and spend some time
00:08:06.75\00:08:12.99
with them, those precious
moments. And for children
00:08:13.02\00:08:16.22
children don't really need
hours 15 minutes, 20 minutes but
00:08:16.26\00:08:22.00
once the time is quality
time it makes a big difference
00:08:22.03\00:08:25.77
for them. When my son and
my daughter were young I spent
00:08:25.80\00:08:31.87
a lot of time. We went swimming,
we'd go riding bicycle in the
00:08:31.91\00:08:37.41
yard and doing all
kinds of fun things.
00:08:37.45\00:08:39.45
So that is one thing that I
thank God for. The opportunity
00:08:39.48\00:08:44.59
to spending time with
them when they were young.
00:08:44.62\00:08:47.59
I mean, ministry is my second
kind of career but still I
00:08:47.62\00:08:52.43
spent time with them
which is very, very valuable.
00:08:52.46\00:08:54.83
It's building that foundation.
But there's lot of young men
00:08:55.36\00:08:59.50
that don't have the privilege
of having fathers in the home
00:08:59.53\00:09:03.10
and making a conscious effort
to be there. How can we help?
00:09:03.14\00:09:07.84
What are some of the
things we can do to help them?
00:09:07.88\00:09:10.71
That's my puzzling question.
00:09:10.75\00:09:12.38
One of the things that's true
you know we have to culturally
00:09:13.35\00:09:16.62
let's talk about culturally you
know. You guys African American
00:09:16.65\00:09:21.96
Hispanic but because of
Puerto Rico I come from African
00:09:21.99\00:09:25.39
background. Slavery and all that
and slaves were taught you know
00:09:25.43\00:09:30.93
to reproduce and leave.
That was their dominant role
00:09:30.97\00:09:34.64
in the slavery, impregnate and
leave. Are we still doing the
00:09:34.67\00:09:40.54
same thing our ancestors
did? Are we just having babies
00:09:40.58\00:09:44.28
after baby after baby,
Mercy and leaving them? yes
00:09:44.31\00:09:47.15
Now we have every excuse
in the book as to why we do it
00:09:47.18\00:09:51.35
but the point is how
do we break away from that
00:09:51.39\00:09:54.49
how do we become the
fathers that God wants us to be
00:09:54.52\00:09:58.79
and leave that mindset behind?
00:09:58.83\00:10:03.77
You know, let me grab
my pillow on this one.
00:10:03.80\00:10:07.64
You know you brought out
something that we've overlooked
00:10:07.67\00:10:13.11
because of these traditions and
sometimes you know we look at
00:10:13.14\00:10:18.21
tradition, we talk
about tradition, we talk about
00:10:18.25\00:10:20.12
tradition as in church,
proper stuff. But there are some
00:10:20.15\00:10:24.35
negative traditions we pass on.
You know speakin of, all the men
00:10:24.39\00:10:31.86
in my family, ok, blood line
men of my family, all of them
00:10:31.89\00:10:37.10
when I say all, are rolling
stones. Just like you said
00:10:37.13\00:10:42.07
They get with a woman, have
children and move on to the next
00:10:42.67\00:10:46.81
Mercy. I had a grandfather who
had three different, that's 4
00:10:46.84\00:10:51.31
3 different families at one time
00:10:51.35\00:10:56.28
3 at one time. I have uncles
who are the same age born in
00:10:57.29\00:11:01.16
the same month.
That was my example.
00:11:01.19\00:11:04.93
And then my personal
father, my blood father, right
00:11:04.96\00:11:08.93
six boys, different
mothers. Never been married.
00:11:08.96\00:11:12.63
His dad, 26 something children
00:11:14.27\00:11:16.87
So you see our bloodline? This
is what the examples we have
00:11:17.87\00:11:21.41
So for me, my uncle had a
child at 16, and I was ten
00:11:21.44\00:11:28.65
and I was looking forward to
getting 16 so I can have a child
00:11:28.68\00:11:31.32
too. Mercy. But
then God intervened.
00:11:31.35\00:11:35.52
My stepfather, as much
as I gave him a hard time
00:11:37.23\00:11:42.96
helped me, I'm getting emotional
now, that's my deep tissue
00:11:43.00\00:11:46.00
moment. As much as I
have my stepdad a hard time
00:11:46.03\00:11:51.01
God sent him at the right
time to marry my mother. He was
00:11:51.04\00:11:57.21
not perfect,
made a lot of mistakes
00:11:57.25\00:12:01.85
but even his presence
and remember we said active
00:12:01.88\00:12:05.52
but just his presence, watching
him, when I was a little boy
00:12:05.55\00:12:09.92
you know I went
through a lot of things.
00:12:09.96\00:12:13.13
You see everybody, all
I saw was women. The women
00:12:13.16\00:12:15.76
going to church, all these
things. So I'll never forget
00:12:15.80\00:12:17.70
I saw one picture of
myself when I was little
00:12:17.73\00:12:20.84
I was in a dress. That's
the first time I was ashamed of
00:12:20.87\00:12:24.94
anybody. I feel I'm at
your counseling session.
00:12:24.97\00:12:28.38
Ever. I remember that picture.
I remember what was goin on
00:12:29.94\00:12:34.72
at that time. I was playin
and my mom took a picture of me
00:12:34.75\00:12:38.65
in a dress and
whatever the case may be.
00:12:38.69\00:12:40.42
There were things I went
through even at school and stuff
00:12:40.46\00:12:43.63
I didn't know any better.
00:12:43.66\00:12:45.53
I didn't know any better.
Some of the memories in my mind
00:12:47.50\00:12:51.40
and I had to go and get
help from a Christian counselor
00:12:51.43\00:12:55.64
even now as a married man
concerning some of these things
00:12:55.67\00:12:58.81
So I encourage everyone in
this room if you're dealing with
00:12:58.84\00:13:03.68
some of these things you need,
Bible tells us to seek spiritual
00:13:03.71\00:13:06.61
counseling. And so I had to
get help and I realize some of
00:13:06.65\00:13:11.09
the first memories
that I had were sexual.
00:13:11.12\00:13:14.02
As a child. My only memories
I can lock in were sexual
00:13:16.19\00:13:20.70
Then God sends my stepfather
at the right time because
00:13:21.73\00:13:26.80
that was the time I was
starting to look at other men
00:13:26.84\00:13:29.70
you know I'd go home and I'd
say I want to dress like such
00:13:29.74\00:13:32.54
and such. But I didn't know what
was right and what was wrong
00:13:32.57\00:13:35.91
and then he came
in at the right time
00:13:35.94\00:13:40.35
and because God used him, even
though like I said most of the
00:13:40.38\00:13:44.05
time it was just his presence.
He wasn't active until later on
00:13:44.09\00:13:47.86
because he didn't know what to
do, this is not my child this is
00:13:47.89\00:13:50.89
is this my child? He didn't know
00:13:50.93\00:13:52.49
But because of his presence,
his example, going to church
00:13:54.00\00:13:57.60
having family worship,
those things, I was like Wow
00:13:57.63\00:14:02.00
Okay I have
something I can work off of.
00:14:02.04\00:14:04.57
If we have nothing to work
off of, it's the worst thing you
00:14:04.61\00:14:07.54
could do to a child. Uh uh.
00:14:07.58\00:14:09.98
That's like me
wearing high heeled shoes.
00:14:10.01\00:14:12.11
I think it's the same kind
of thing because that's what
00:14:12.15\00:14:15.58
was around. And I think our
young men are suffering from
00:14:15.62\00:14:18.52
from the same thing and
you brought out a good point
00:14:18.55\00:14:21.76
seeking counsel thing. Any
young men that find themselves
00:14:21.79\00:14:26.13
or young women in a home where
father's missing they need to
00:14:26.16\00:14:30.30
seek counseling or they need to
find a mentor, someone that will
00:14:30.33\00:14:34.40
mentor them, help them to look
outside of the home. Yes, yes.
00:14:34.44\00:14:40.11
I think that's a
good point that you...yeah
00:14:40.14\00:14:42.84
What can we do with our
churches because you know
00:14:42.88\00:14:45.71
I'm a former police officer and
I remember arresting a lot of
00:14:45.75\00:14:50.92
juveniles. You know we
talk about the jail population
00:14:50.95\00:14:55.16
for the grown men but we never
talk about the jail population
00:14:55.19\00:14:58.53
for the juveniles. We have
a lot of our children in jail
00:14:58.56\00:15:02.23
and it frustrated me. Honestly,
I wanted to find a father and
00:15:02.26\00:15:06.97
just beat him. Mercy.
00:15:07.00\00:15:09.60
There's no excuse. And I grew
up you know, my mom and dad have
00:15:09.64\00:15:13.34
always been there together
for everything but I remember
00:15:13.38\00:15:16.64
relatives that had kids,
they had their own village
00:15:16.68\00:15:20.32
they had so many kids. For
me it was like, my mom used to
00:15:20.35\00:15:24.72
tell me, don't be like that.
My dad used to tell me don't be
00:15:24.75\00:15:27.26
like that. I started almost
to be like that but by the grace
00:15:27.29\00:15:30.73
of God I didn't have a
slew of kids. I only have two.
00:15:30.76\00:15:33.53
But that's not the point.
The point is our children are
00:15:34.73\00:15:38.53
going to jail because they don't
have a father figure, period
00:15:38.57\00:15:43.67
or their father in the
home is missing in action.
00:15:43.71\00:15:47.11
starting with, and I don't want
to seem like bashing anybody
00:15:47.14\00:15:51.28
but the truth is, starting
with our churches. Yeah.
00:15:51.31\00:15:53.92
They're called the PKs.
You know our own children
00:15:53.95\00:15:58.02
our own children given by
God acting like rebellious kids
00:15:58.05\00:16:03.86
and we're not doing anything
about it. What can we do to
00:16:03.89\00:16:06.90
call them, ourselves as
ministers of God, held to a
00:16:06.93\00:16:11.67
higher standard not because
we're higher but because we're
00:16:11.70\00:16:14.54
held to a higher standard
by God. What can we do with the
00:16:14.57\00:16:17.67
men in our churches who are
elders, the males, everybody
00:16:17.71\00:16:20.44
there's men, 82% of the churches
are women. There's something
00:16:20.48\00:16:23.65
wrong with that. Where are
our men? We need to call our men
00:16:23.68\00:16:27.78
It doesn't matter whether they
are fathers to these kids or not
00:16:27.82\00:16:30.19
you know, we need to start
being mentors, to start being
00:16:30.22\00:16:33.96
there for our youth, our
children because they say the
00:16:33.99\00:16:38.26
youth, the next generation,
the youth are supposed to lead
00:16:38.29\00:16:41.43
the way. And right now
it don't look very good.
00:16:41.46\00:16:44.63
What can we do to change that?
00:16:44.67\00:16:47.37
When I was growin up and right
around the same time God sent
00:16:47.40\00:16:51.74
my stepdad. Also, He
sent other men from the church
00:16:51.77\00:16:58.11
some of the elders,
the deacons, the AYS leader
00:16:58.15\00:17:02.98
and these guys, it's interesting
lookin back it was simple things
00:17:03.02\00:17:08.46
like how he tied his
tie, I want to do that.
00:17:08.49\00:17:12.13
What kind of suit did he
wear? How did he treat his wife?
00:17:12.16\00:17:15.16
You know those type of things.
There was one guy, I'll never
00:17:15.20\00:17:19.07
forget him, never ever forget
him. We had a fire in our house
00:17:19.10\00:17:22.67
so everything was burned
out. We lived on the 6th floor
00:17:22.70\00:17:25.64
in Harlem. Everything was
burned out of our apartment.
00:17:25.67\00:17:28.31
He took me shopping
00:17:29.34\00:17:33.92
He took me, I'm not his son,
he was one of the youth leaders
00:17:33.95\00:17:39.45
at that time, I don't
remember exactly what he was
00:17:39.49\00:17:41.36
maybe Sabbath
School. He took me shopping
00:17:41.39\00:17:44.33
Got me sneakers, socks,
clothes, suits. Took me shopping
00:17:45.29\00:17:49.80
He also, when I became older
put me on the basketball team
00:17:49.83\00:17:53.87
Another elder taught
me how to play basketball.
00:17:55.30\00:17:58.84
Every Sunday morning he
would bring his sons all the way
00:17:59.91\00:18:02.34
from Bronx. This is distance
now He burned his own gas
00:18:02.38\00:18:07.25
picked me up with this
sons we went to play basketball
00:18:07.28\00:18:10.55
taught me how
to play basketball.
00:18:10.59\00:18:12.19
And I'll never forget that.
00:18:13.15\00:18:15.06
So to answer your
question, the men of the church
00:18:15.09\00:18:18.56
the men of the church, like
you said, need to be mentors.
00:18:18.59\00:18:22.36
Spiritual men of the church
because unfortunately we don't
00:18:22.40\00:18:27.14
have, you know we're all growing
in grace. But the spiritual
00:18:27.17\00:18:31.51
loving ones that have
tasted grace need to be mentors
00:18:31.54\00:18:36.41
and as a pastor too this
is something that I'm actively
00:18:36.44\00:18:40.35
involved with in my church.
To have the men of the church
00:18:40.38\00:18:43.62
and the ladies be
mentors to the young ladies
00:18:43.65\00:18:45.79
and the men be
mentors to the young men.
00:18:45.82\00:18:48.72
Because we need
each other to survive.
00:18:48.76\00:18:51.16
I look at myself as an extension
even I'm in the south side
00:18:51.19\00:18:56.63
Chatham in Chicago. I'm
not one of the pastors for the
00:18:56.67\00:19:02.10
church or the mentors for
young men in the church, for the
00:19:02.14\00:19:04.94
community. Because the church
needs to get outside of itself
00:19:04.97\00:19:09.24
and reach into the community
to start to build relationships
00:19:09.28\00:19:12.71
with some of the young men and
mentor them. I have my nephews
00:19:12.75\00:19:18.35
two nephews and I've always
been there for them, mentor them
00:19:18.39\00:19:24.96
one is about to go into high
school now. He is almost the
00:19:24.99\00:19:31.90
same age as my son but
I've always been there for them
00:19:31.93\00:19:36.81
because there's no
active father in his life
00:19:36.84\00:19:40.54
and unfortunately who's he
going to look up to? His mother.
00:19:40.58\00:19:46.58
Single mother. Who's he going
to look up to? So I have to step
00:19:46.61\00:19:51.19
in so that he can come out
you know. What do you think
00:19:51.22\00:19:54.86
about this? I've been doing this
I've been doing that, so buildin
00:19:54.89\00:19:58.63
that relationship, build his
self-confidence. He knows that
00:19:58.66\00:20:01.86
with my son there's no
difference because I treat them
00:20:01.90\00:20:06.50
I treat them the same. I
listen to them the same way
00:20:06.53\00:20:10.41
In church I encourage the young
men. We did this one communion
00:20:10.44\00:20:15.24
after the foot washing I said,
listen, every young man I need
00:20:15.28\00:20:20.05
you to get with one of the
elders. They're gonna be your
00:20:20.08\00:20:25.02
mentors. They're gonna help
you because, of course, fathers
00:20:25.05\00:20:30.63
were not there, but our
men, our young men need somebody
00:20:30.66\00:20:35.00
to help them to stay out of the
juvenile system or prison system
00:20:35.03\00:20:40.00
and unless we get a good mentor
program going I think we're
00:20:40.04\00:20:46.54
going to end up doin the same
thing because of the way the
00:20:46.57\00:20:50.38
world is going, because of
sin because of imperfection
00:20:50.41\00:20:53.01
we're gonna have homes without
fathers as you rightly said
00:20:53.05\00:20:58.72
that mentality of just
producing and moving on.
00:20:58.75\00:21:03.73
We're gonna have that until
Jesus comes. So the church needs
00:21:03.76\00:21:07.76
to form, needs to be the bridge
to help these people over.
00:21:07.80\00:21:11.73
I would go a step above
that and say if you're married
00:21:11.77\00:21:15.20
if you have a wife, if
you're together with your spouse
00:21:15.24\00:21:18.91
mentor your women. It's
not just the men, the young men
00:21:18.94\00:21:23.14
that are fathers, it's also
women. Yes, yes. And I say that
00:21:23.18\00:21:26.05
because women need a mother
figure, they need a father
00:21:26.08\00:21:29.45
figure. Yes we can turn to our
father in heaven and that's not
00:21:29.48\00:21:33.59
impossible but realistically
our minds need somebody we can
00:21:33.62\00:21:39.26
see, somebody tangible. So if
you're married you know I would
00:21:39.29\00:21:42.93
say, step out with your wife
and mentor these young ladies
00:21:42.96\00:21:46.17
because how are they
supposed to find prince charming
00:21:46.90\00:21:49.40
when they never knew when
to begin with? They don't have
00:21:49.44\00:21:52.54
an example. They're just going
to find those men that beat them
00:21:52.57\00:21:56.95
or abuse them. So I mean. I
definitely agree. A young lady
00:21:56.98\00:22:02.95
spoke to me last week and she
is about late 20s and she went
00:22:02.98\00:22:07.49
on her first real date. She's
been with other guys before
00:22:07.52\00:22:11.49
But her first dress up date
and she told me she didn't know
00:22:11.53\00:22:14.03
what to do. She didn't know
about the fork, where to put
00:22:14.06\00:22:19.23
the fork, spoon, all that.
She didn't know what to wear
00:22:19.27\00:22:21.90
she didn't know all these things
I'll never forget one time
00:22:21.94\00:22:25.54
my wife and I saw this
special about these fathers who
00:22:25.57\00:22:29.74
took their 16 year old daughters
out on dates, pulled the chair
00:22:29.78\00:22:36.42
out for them. Opened the
door all these things, show them
00:22:36.45\00:22:40.36
and they did it repeatedly so
that their daughters would hold
00:22:40.39\00:22:46.03
their father in high esteem
and whichever guy comes into
00:22:46.06\00:22:52.13
their life now, hey this is
what you need to live up to this
00:22:52.20\00:22:58.24
so I agree with you, it does
have that impact seriously even
00:22:58.27\00:23:03.81
on young ladies. But there's
another aspect that I think
00:23:03.85\00:23:06.51
we're forgetting. We talk about
prison but we're forgetting
00:23:06.55\00:23:09.28
about death. Not being a father,
not being actively involved in
00:23:09.32\00:23:15.26
a child's life could
lead your child to death.
00:23:15.29\00:23:17.39
Within the past couple of
years we've heard from Black and
00:23:17.96\00:23:21.63
Hispanic young men and young
ladies being killed by police
00:23:21.66\00:23:25.73
brutality. We need our
fathers to step up even now.
00:23:25.77\00:23:30.51
Example to our children whether
they're male or female how to
00:23:30.54\00:23:35.71
respect authority even if
authority doesn't respect you.
00:23:35.74\00:23:40.55
See the conversation we need,
and my wife and I had to swallow
00:23:40.58\00:23:44.95
this. I realize the conversation
we need to have nowadays
00:23:44.99\00:23:48.76
is not whether you are right
or wrong but how to get home.
00:23:48.79\00:23:53.16
How to come home safely to
us Fathers and mothers need to
00:23:54.43\00:23:59.53
sit down with their children
and say, look when you're pulled
00:23:59.57\00:24:02.20
over by a cop it's not a matter
of whether you're right or wrong
00:24:02.24\00:24:06.11
or whether your broke the light
or whatever, it's a matter of
00:24:06.14\00:24:09.91
you showing uttermost
respect and being prayerful.
00:24:09.94\00:24:13.18
When cop asks you, whether he
curses you out, called you names
00:24:14.25\00:24:17.92
when he asks for your credential
give it to him, yes officer
00:24:17.95\00:24:23.93
all these things and what he
asks you to do, do it, come out
00:24:23.96\00:24:30.10
of the car do it in a respectful
nothing suspicious. why?
00:24:30.13\00:24:34.30
So you can come home.
00:24:34.34\00:24:37.11
Then when you get home you
can let out all the frustration.
00:24:37.14\00:24:40.84
Then you can be mad at the cops,
then you can call the authority
00:24:40.88\00:24:44.78
you can call all of the
XXXXXXX you can do all of that
00:24:44.81\00:24:48.08
when you get home. But the
point is if the fathers are not
00:24:48.12\00:24:52.69
actively and lovingly involved
in their child they lack that
00:24:52.72\00:24:57.29
guidance which is common sense
yes we don't live in a perfect
00:24:57.33\00:25:02.93
world. There's a lotta injustice
racism is not gonna stop
00:25:02.96\00:25:05.77
until Jesus comes. Culturism,
sexism none of that is gonna
00:25:05.80\00:25:09.77
stop until Jesus comes. But
we need to teach our children
00:25:09.80\00:25:14.24
how to be upset but how to
take care of it in the right way
00:25:14.28\00:25:20.92
in the right manner. But absent
fathers, a lot of kids won't
00:25:21.58\00:25:26.25
even think that's an option.
They think the only way is
00:25:26.29\00:25:29.89
rebellion and retaliation. That
is because they're not taught
00:25:29.92\00:25:33.86
They're not taught. So it's
important for us to teach them
00:25:33.90\00:25:37.13
and it's not demonstrated. Not
just taught. Demonstrated, yeah
00:25:37.17\00:25:40.20
My dad scared me sometimes
when the cops pulled him over.
00:25:40.24\00:25:43.94
He used to be one of those
why are you pulling me over?
00:25:43.97\00:25:48.21
And I used to hear my
ma, honey, honey stop stop
00:25:48.24\00:25:52.41
And it scared us, my dad, these
cops any of them could just
00:25:52.45\00:25:58.42
but now he's, you know,
ok and he's that because you
00:25:58.45\00:26:02.22
demonstrate what you
want your kids to do.
00:26:02.26\00:26:04.83
We made a point earlier when
we were talking about mentoring
00:26:04.86\00:26:07.53
I think mentors are very
important but we need to be
00:26:07.56\00:26:10.43
careful who's mentoring our
children. I think mothers and
00:26:10.47\00:26:14.44
fathers need to make sure
that whoever is mentoring their
00:26:14.47\00:26:18.27
children, they're not, you know
they're straight because we have
00:26:18.31\00:26:23.41
a lot of bad people out there
and lot of pedophiles so if
00:26:23.45\00:26:29.08
mothers don't have a father in
the home in the church they want
00:26:29.12\00:26:34.06
someone to mentor a child
make sure that that person
00:26:34.09\00:26:38.56
has been vetted. Make sure
that the person is straight
00:26:38.59\00:26:42.03
so you don't have problems,
your children don't have problem
00:26:42.06\00:26:45.13
or you'll have greater problems
down the line, those are things
00:26:45.17\00:26:48.04
that husband and that wife,
even they're together in their
00:26:48.07\00:26:53.71
home and they want
their children to be mentored
00:26:53.74\00:26:59.11
by someone that's an important
part we need to also emphasize
00:26:59.15\00:27:03.69
I think everything that was
said was great making sure that
00:27:03.72\00:27:06.96
they're straight, they're in
the good path to be mentors and
00:27:06.99\00:27:11.39
man there's a lot we can say.
There's a lot more we can say
00:27:11.43\00:27:15.13
but we ran out of time
so if you have any questions
00:27:15.16\00:27:18.33
please send them to AFH@3ABN.org
00:27:18.37\00:27:22.64
AFH@3ABN.org
00:27:22.67\00:27:24.77
Reality is that missing
fathers are still missing.
00:27:24.81\00:27:28.38
If your father is not in your
child's life stop the excuses
00:27:28.41\00:27:32.61
Stop it, there's no point. You
are going to be held accountable
00:27:32.65\00:27:37.19
by God as to where your
children are. Be responsible.
00:27:37.22\00:27:41.12
Step up. Even if you're
afraid you don't know what to do
00:27:41.16\00:27:43.96
us here we have no idea what
to do but we're tryin our best
00:27:43.99\00:27:48.40
with what we have
through Jesus, through mentoring
00:27:48.43\00:27:51.73
through learning, through books
there's resources and for those
00:27:51.77\00:27:55.40
that are out there that are
working, you work, work, work
00:27:55.44\00:27:58.91
guess what? Your children are
still missing from your lives
00:27:58.94\00:28:01.74
Stop all the hard work, step up
00:28:01.78\00:28:04.11
Be there for your
child. Thank you for watching
00:28:04.15\00:28:06.65