A good father takes time to play 00:00:01.36\00:00:03.60 He has strong integrity 00:00:05.33\00:00:07.00 He is someone that is truly dedicated 00:00:07.84\00:00:10.07 He's not afraid to show his love 00:00:11.97\00:00:13.94 He's a caring provider 00:00:16.04\00:00:17.78 And, he's a kind, spiritual leader 00:00:20.05\00:00:22.38 These are just a few ways to describe a father's heart 00:00:22.78\00:00:26.35 Hi welcome to A Father's Heart My name is Xavier 00:00:30.63\00:00:33.36 and I got a question for you 00:00:33.40\00:00:35.20 Have you ever been caught in the middle? 00:00:35.23\00:00:37.17 Have you ever been caught between a rock and a hard place? 00:00:37.70\00:00:40.44 Today's topic is Caught In The Middle. 00:00:41.47\00:00:43.77 What to do to help your child? 00:00:43.81\00:00:45.54 And with me today are guests Gordon Fraser and Denry White 00:00:45.97\00:00:50.91 How you guys doing today? 00:00:50.95\00:00:52.51 Real good. Good man. Good to be back 00:00:52.55\00:00:54.68 Well have you ever been caught in the middle? 00:00:56.18\00:00:57.75 What does it look like for a child to be caught in the middle 00:00:57.79\00:01:00.36 What do you think about when you hear something like that? 00:01:00.39\00:01:02.99 Well if I'm assuming what you're talking about is that 00:01:03.89\00:01:07.30 when especially a situation like a divorce or argument 00:01:07.33\00:01:11.70 and the child is stuck in the middle, sometimes literally in 00:01:11.73\00:01:15.27 the middle and they feel like they have to make a decision 00:01:15.30\00:01:18.57 between mom or dad, I know for myself I've been stuck 00:01:18.61\00:01:23.65 in that place for a long, for a couple of times. 00:01:23.68\00:01:26.15 Quite a few times 00:01:26.18\00:01:27.52 You know exactly what we're talking about, it's the fact 00:01:27.55\00:01:29.55 that the child is caught in the middle, you know, and 00:01:29.58\00:01:33.46 I myself have a child from a previous marriage 00:01:33.49\00:01:37.39 and I know in co-parenting class they teach you not to put 00:01:37.43\00:01:41.26 your child in the middle 00:01:41.30\00:01:43.16 You know it's not about what you feel or how you feel about the 00:01:43.20\00:01:47.90 other parent but your child, what your child needs 00:01:47.94\00:01:50.51 And I know myself, I came you know, my parents are celebrating 00:01:50.54\00:01:53.61 40 years of marriage and it's like sometimes even in their 00:01:53.64\00:02:00.18 disagreements you kind of feel stuck. And it does something to 00:02:00.22\00:02:03.99 you. I don't know, what do you think Gordon? 00:02:04.02\00:02:06.09 I mean I look at a child, two parents have a disagreement 00:02:06.12\00:02:11.59 like you said or they're fightin and not speakin to each other 00:02:11.63\00:02:16.56 And the one will say, tell your father that. 00:02:16.60\00:02:19.23 The other one will say tell your mother that 00:02:19.27\00:02:20.97 That is not a good thing for the child because the child 00:02:21.00\00:02:25.64 feels pressured to choose, you know, choose sides and the child 00:02:25.67\00:02:29.11 should never be in that kind of a situation where they have 00:02:29.14\00:02:33.11 to choose which parent they should please. 00:02:33.15\00:02:38.09 And that's where we put our children when we get them 00:02:38.12\00:02:41.26 caught up. We're grown. I mean we're grown people 00:02:41.29\00:02:44.96 We need to leave our children out of our arguments 00:02:44.99\00:02:48.76 they should never be involved in our argument 00:02:48.80\00:02:53.20 My aunt used to say, keep the kids away from all the different 00:02:53.23\00:02:58.07 types of, not in front of the children 00:02:58.11\00:03:00.21 was her favorite saying. 00:03:00.24\00:03:01.68 So that's something we should do as parents, keep our children 00:03:01.71\00:03:05.68 out of it, don't let them feel that they have to choose 00:03:05.71\00:03:08.88 because it adds undue stress for them, they're already going 00:03:09.48\00:03:14.69 through a lot. So we shouldn't give them that, put them through 00:03:14.72\00:03:18.53 that kind of stress. 00:03:18.56\00:03:19.89 And it also, I feel like, diminishes one parent. 00:03:19.93\00:03:23.87 Because the child's going to choose and sometimes the 00:03:24.73\00:03:28.20 conversation or the situation one parent may put the child 00:03:28.24\00:03:32.87 against the other parent and it diminishes and I know for men 00:03:32.91\00:03:36.44 you know men in general, every man likes to be respected 00:03:36.48\00:03:40.55 and if the mother or the wife whatever the case may be 00:03:40.58\00:03:45.55 speaks negative of the father it diminishes that guy's authority 00:03:45.59\00:03:54.00 or who he is as a person. So whether it's true or false 00:03:54.36\00:03:59.27 it's like you break down that individual. 00:03:59.30\00:04:03.34 It does. Attacking any parent, more specifically the father 00:04:04.11\00:04:10.38 diminishing who he is as a father, it does and actually 00:04:10.41\00:04:15.48 it wears on the child because from my perspective 00:04:15.52\00:04:20.39 what I read and study is that God the Father, the image of 00:04:20.42\00:04:25.19 God the Father comes through the physical father, your child 00:04:25.23\00:04:30.73 sees you not essentially as God but they see an image of God 00:04:30.77\00:04:37.07 through you. They mimic their relationship that we have with 00:04:37.11\00:04:41.08 God through what you do and when you do these certain of things 00:04:41.11\00:04:47.38 as far as making them decide or be caught in the middle 00:04:47.42\00:04:51.55 You know, go tell your mother or tell this to your mother or 00:04:51.59\00:04:55.62 tell this to your father, that kind of thing, it does, you know 00:04:55.66\00:04:58.69 you're really hampering that relationship, you're basically 00:04:58.73\00:05:01.66 marring the image of God. 00:05:01.70\00:05:03.87 Let me grab my pillow on this one. Going into that moment 00:05:03.90\00:05:08.40 So there was a situation I had where my parents were you know 00:05:08.44\00:05:16.44 they were just going at each other, literally. 00:05:16.48\00:05:20.55 Throughout their marriage, you know that time period 00:05:21.52\00:05:23.99 and my mom, I guess just having someone to talk to because 00:05:24.02\00:05:31.09 sometimes we don't understand our parents, sometimes they 00:05:31.13\00:05:33.43 get stressed out, sometimes they want someone to talk with 00:05:33.46\00:05:36.50 and so she saw me as that outlet 00:05:36.53\00:05:39.73 so instead of going to her friends or someone else 00:05:39.77\00:05:42.84 she saw me as the outlet. So she would come all the time 00:05:42.87\00:05:46.27 and tell me about what my dad wasn't doing. 00:05:46.31\00:05:50.01 It was most of the time stuff like just problems that they 00:05:50.51\00:05:54.68 have, he's not helping me here he's not doing this and you know 00:05:54.72\00:05:58.05 what that was doing slowly to me it was eating me away 00:05:58.09\00:06:01.32 and how I felt towards my dad 00:06:01.36\00:06:04.46 Whatever love, whatever respect I had for him was just slowly 00:06:04.49\00:06:08.36 being pulled away, I had a resentment for him, for years 00:06:08.40\00:06:12.90 because of those conversations with her. I don't think that 00:06:13.74\00:06:17.41 a child should have that dialogue, it's not fair to the 00:06:17.44\00:06:21.34 child. They should be able to make a decision on their own 00:06:21.38\00:06:24.68 A child is not an attorney or not even a jury you know they 00:06:26.01\00:06:31.79 should be able to come and make on their own, ok mom is messed 00:06:31.82\00:06:36.29 up, dad is messed up. No one is perfect but if you pull a 00:06:36.32\00:06:39.83 child in there and especially if you get close with them and 00:06:39.86\00:06:43.77 feed them you know they may feel like, Ugh 00:06:43.80\00:06:49.14 they have that resentment 00:06:49.17\00:06:50.51 It's not the child's fault, they didn't want to be born, so 00:06:51.64\00:06:55.44 I mean they're children. They're still dealin with the fun stuff 00:06:55.48\00:07:00.02 as they should be dealin with but a lot of times as parents 00:07:00.05\00:07:03.69 we put them into this situation and they have to grow up before 00:07:03.72\00:07:08.72 their time and then they become monsters later on down the road 00:07:08.76\00:07:13.19 and so we shouldn't put our kids in this situation 00:07:13.23\00:07:16.67 we need to be as fathers, I think we need to reflect 00:07:16.70\00:07:21.84 the image of Christ as that father, our role as far as 00:07:22.34\00:07:28.31 that priestly role, the head of the household. So we should be 00:07:28.34\00:07:33.11 able to pull back and hold our pride if there's an argument or 00:07:33.15\00:07:38.22 if there's something that's going on between the husband and 00:07:38.25\00:07:43.02 wife. Pull back and say time out. Let's take a break. 00:07:43.06\00:07:48.33 Let's not get our children involved, let's work this out 00:07:48.36\00:07:52.03 ourselves without pulling the children into the mix. 00:07:52.07\00:07:56.00 And I think we don't do that effectively and it's one thing 00:07:56.04\00:07:58.77 we should do. Because of that priestly role 00:07:58.81\00:08:01.91 Maybe our spouse, maybe the wife can't do it because you know 00:08:01.94\00:08:06.72 that's another topic, emotional women get very emotional 00:08:06.75\00:08:10.62 but us men, we should be able, as good fathers, to realize 00:08:10.65\00:08:16.56 when this is going in the wrong direction and be strong enough 00:08:16.59\00:08:22.00 to kill our pride and say, you know what, let's not get the 00:08:22.03\00:08:27.27 children involved, let's not put the kids in the middle of this. 00:08:27.30\00:08:31.17 You know I'm very cautious about what I say about my wife 00:08:31.21\00:08:38.91 to my children. Even if I'm upset at her I'm very cautious 00:08:38.95\00:08:45.75 because of that experience with my parents, cause my dad too 00:08:45.79\00:08:49.42 you know, to be honest, when he would have me in his corner 00:08:49.46\00:08:53.96 trying to pull me in his corner there's things he would say too 00:08:54.00\00:08:56.50 you know I don't understand your mother this, your mother that 00:08:57.30\00:09:00.20 and I already had the resentment coming in and now it's these two 00:09:00.24\00:09:05.54 people trying to pull like a tug-of-war like, hey I need you 00:09:05.57\00:09:09.14 on my side. So I intentionally only talk positive things about 00:09:09.18\00:09:14.52 my wife to my kids. No matter what's going on. 00:09:14.55\00:09:18.22 Does that make us selfish as fathers or a father that's tryin 00:09:20.06\00:09:25.13 to pull that child to look at their side as the best, they're 00:09:25.16\00:09:30.67 the great father. So here's my side of the story 00:09:30.70\00:09:34.64 trying to put the other person down and trying to make yourself 00:09:34.67\00:09:39.64 look good. I mean that's a whole selfish mentality 00:09:39.67\00:09:44.61 that we have and we shouldn't have that as godly fathers, 00:09:44.65\00:09:49.25 because that's not at the heart of God. The heart of God is 00:09:49.28\00:09:52.79 forgiveness, the heart of God is reconciliation and we shouldn't 00:09:52.82\00:09:56.86 let our kids be involved in the mix. 00:09:56.89\00:09:59.73 That's interesting because, and again I bring a different 00:09:59.76\00:10:02.20 perspective on that because I don't come from a divorced 00:10:02.23\00:10:04.93 background but the coping mechanisms I saw of my dad 00:10:04.97\00:10:09.80 where he would get angry at my mom or have a disagreement 00:10:09.84\00:10:13.27 it was just pure rage. It wasn't until later when I was an adult 00:10:13.31\00:10:17.51 that he apologized and we talked about it and he said that's not 00:10:17.55\00:10:19.95 an appropriate way to respond but now that I have been 00:10:19.98\00:10:24.02 divorced in the past and I have a 4 year old, there's times when 00:10:24.05\00:10:27.69 I'm like, you know I want to say something like in regards to how 00:10:27.72\00:10:34.16 I feel but I hold back because it's not her fault. 00:10:34.20\00:10:38.73 It's not her fault and I don't have the right to hurt my child 00:10:38.77\00:10:42.50 at all. For what? I'm an adult and I need to cope with 00:10:42.54\00:10:47.24 certain strategies and my wife she comes from a background of 00:10:47.28\00:10:51.78 you know, her parents weren't together and actually use her 00:10:51.81\00:10:55.02 mom's example, my mother in law because my mother in law, and 00:10:55.05\00:10:58.15 my wife told me this that she never talked negatively 00:10:58.19\00:11:01.32 about her father and my wife taught me that, you know never 00:11:01.36\00:11:06.29 you know your child should never be in the middle 00:11:06.33\00:11:08.70 it's not their fault and I'm telling you that pride that 00:11:08.73\00:11:12.60 you talked about, the pride thing, it was hard first couple 00:11:12.63\00:11:16.07 years it was hard but I had to let that pride die and really 00:11:16.10\00:11:19.37 focus on the fact that that's my daughter, she's innocent 00:11:19.41\00:11:22.34 she didn't ask to be here but yet the Lord sought to bring 00:11:22.38\00:11:26.65 her here, not just to bless me but bless her mother and bless 00:11:26.68\00:11:29.78 everybody around so why should I take anything out on her 00:11:29.82\00:11:34.56 so it's critical that you know that we understand that children 00:11:35.09\00:11:40.06 whether we like it or not, whether you're divorced or 00:11:40.10\00:11:42.00 together whatever it might be somewhere, somehow 00:11:42.03\00:11:45.50 they're caught in the middle lot of times and that's part of 00:11:45.53\00:11:48.54 the devil's scheme but it's our job as priestly men as godly men 00:11:48.57\00:11:53.68 to step up, even if we don't know how to step up 00:11:53.71\00:11:57.71 cause we don't know how, there's no instructions 00:11:57.75\00:11:59.91 even if we don't know how, just to take that initial step 00:11:59.95\00:12:02.58 forward of letting self go. And that's important, I don't 00:12:02.62\00:12:06.99 know, I mean that's just the way I see it. 00:12:07.02\00:12:08.79 No, you're right. We try to have a good nucleus with our 00:12:08.82\00:12:14.36 children but you can't do it by yourself. 00:12:14.40\00:12:18.83 Remember they didn't come into this world by you alone 00:12:19.77\00:12:23.74 There's two people that brought them into this world 00:12:24.64\00:12:27.81 so there needs to be peace in order for you to really have 00:12:27.84\00:12:32.25 good relationship with this child, you need to have a 00:12:32.28\00:12:35.05 good relationship with the spouse or with the lady or 00:12:35.08\00:12:40.26 the mother of the child. You need that and a lot of times 00:12:40.29\00:12:43.79 you know I use this in a marital counsel sometimes when I'm 00:12:43.83\00:12:47.00 counseling couples that a lot of times you have the war going on 00:12:47.03\00:12:52.40 in the household right, and people feel like, ok, if the 00:12:52.43\00:12:57.57 husband feels like I've won this battle, I've won this argument 00:12:57.61\00:13:00.18 you know, yeah, yeah I've won this battle today. But every 00:13:00.21\00:13:05.05 time you win the marriage loses. Or the relationship loses 00:13:05.08\00:13:10.09 and now to add a child in there every time you win, 00:13:10.12\00:13:14.46 the family loses. You should never have an argument or 00:13:15.22\00:13:20.43 discussion with your spouse or your girlfriend or whatever 00:13:20.46\00:13:23.23 or the child's mother and feel Oh yeah, I've won this finally 00:13:23.26\00:13:27.80 You lost, you really lost especially if the child is 00:13:28.57\00:13:32.61 in front, is involved, you've lost because you brought down 00:13:32.64\00:13:36.71 the other person and in that child's mind that person is 00:13:36.75\00:13:41.22 defeated so you're going to treat them a certain way 00:13:41.25\00:13:44.32 like they're a carpet under your feet. 00:13:44.35\00:13:46.92 That's true, a lot of times we do stuff like that because we 00:13:47.92\00:13:52.06 bring other people down to make ourselves look good. 00:13:52.09\00:13:54.93 And that's what we do. Exactly. 00:13:54.96\00:13:57.03 What about this concept? We ourselves as human beings 00:13:57.07\00:14:01.34 are caught in the middle. Between the biggest custody 00:14:01.37\00:14:03.41 battle ever known to man. 00:14:03.44\00:14:06.07 It's a custody battle between God and the devil 00:14:06.11\00:14:08.41 Yeah. Now why don't we look to Him as an example you know 00:14:08.44\00:14:11.61 Our Father, God the Father, look to Him as He handles 00:14:11.65\00:14:15.75 when we're caught in the middle. Does He ever put us 00:14:15.78\00:14:18.69 in a position where we got to go communicate with the devil? 00:14:18.72\00:14:20.76 No, He takes it upon Himself to fight with us and for us 00:14:20.79\00:14:26.19 You know to me that's a huge concept, the fact that we are 00:14:26.23\00:14:30.67 His children, caught in the middle but He chooses not to say 00:14:30.70\00:14:33.57 you go tell him, you go do this you do that. No He communicates 00:14:33.60\00:14:38.67 with us by reminding us that He loves us while we acknowledge 00:14:38.71\00:14:42.64 the fact that yes we are caught in the middle but here's how 00:14:42.68\00:14:45.08 we're going to handle the situation 00:14:45.11\00:14:46.45 But God is sure of Himself but we are not sure of ourselves 00:14:46.48\00:14:51.02 we've got this thing going on inside of us, insecurity 00:14:51.05\00:14:55.02 but God doesn't have the insecurity factor 00:14:55.06\00:14:57.19 you see we seek to control, God doesn't seek to control 00:14:57.23\00:15:01.30 love doesn't control and that's the difference there. I think. 00:15:01.33\00:15:06.13 I mean what if the child doesn't want to choose? 00:15:06.17\00:15:10.37 You know sometimes God uses the person less involved to bring 00:15:11.44\00:15:16.81 common sense to it. You know you're over here trying to fight 00:15:16.85\00:15:20.12 between each other, who's right or wrong or I should have my way 00:15:20.15\00:15:23.52 and the child is like, no I don't wanna choose 00:15:23.55\00:15:27.26 I want my family. I don't care who's right or wrong. 00:15:27.29\00:15:30.53 I want both of you. Sometimes I remember and this is now 00:15:30.56\00:15:37.60 being transparent, my wife and, I, and this was something that 00:15:37.63\00:15:42.47 you know we try our best, we make our stands at the beginning 00:15:42.50\00:15:46.27 of our marriage, of if we ever get into an argument 00:15:46.31\00:15:49.18 we're going to go into a room, we're not argue in front of 00:15:49.21\00:15:51.45 the child. We tried those things but sometimes just human nature 00:15:51.48\00:15:56.22 you allow the enemy to take control and we got into an 00:15:56.25\00:15:59.75 argument right there in front of the kids. And you can hear 00:15:59.79\00:16:03.06 the kids, mommy, daddy stop it. You guys always fighting 00:16:03.09\00:16:07.66 Stop it, stop it. And like I'm kind of scuffing my son 00:16:07.70\00:16:13.23 no, no I need to get my point across. You don't understand 00:16:13.27\00:16:18.44 right now. And then later on like maybe the evening 00:16:18.47\00:16:24.25 or whatever we're talking and when you do this with your kids 00:16:24.28\00:16:31.45 is there anything you want to talk about in our family? 00:16:31.49\00:16:35.69 And then when they tell you those hard things you don't want 00:16:35.72\00:16:38.63 to hear, that's why sometimes you don't open up Pandora's box 00:16:38.66\00:16:41.93 with them. I hate it when you guys fight. And my second son 00:16:41.96\00:16:47.47 told me, it makes it feel like you guys don't want us 00:16:47.50\00:16:52.21 We were arguing about us but he was feeling like we don't want 00:16:53.31\00:16:58.85 them and so we don't know what kind of ripple effect it's gonna 00:16:58.88\00:17:05.69 have on our children. So the best thing to do is do what's 00:17:05.72\00:17:11.46 best for the relationship. And what's best for the relationship 00:17:11.49\00:17:14.13 is not win but make sure that the family wins. 00:17:14.16\00:17:19.70 I think that's key because again it's just the fact that 00:17:21.10\00:17:23.64 you know we call that collateral damage, pretty much 00:17:23.67\00:17:27.98 Our children have become, not our children but collateral 00:17:28.01\00:17:30.58 damage. For what? For what reason? 00:17:30.61\00:17:33.28 And then the thing is those are those same coping strategies 00:17:33.31\00:17:36.25 in the relationships. And dare I say they might 00:17:36.28\00:17:39.52 use those same coping strategies with God Himself? 00:17:39.55\00:17:41.82 You know why can't we, I mean, solutions to this 00:17:43.02\00:17:47.00 are exponential. But one of the things to me is just letting 00:17:47.03\00:17:51.67 pride go. That's the biggest thing. You know let it go. 00:17:51.70\00:17:55.77 Even though you're right and you know in your heart 00:17:55.80\00:17:57.94 you are right. But is it worth damaging your child? 00:17:57.97\00:18:02.31 Permanently? It's difficult to let it go because again 00:18:02.34\00:18:06.78 we are trying to control and once we understand that we 00:18:06.82\00:18:12.55 don't need to control anything we just need to be able to love 00:18:12.59\00:18:17.23 each other and just be real reflective in what we do 00:18:17.26\00:18:23.50 and how we do things. There is a, I don't know if it's a 00:18:23.53\00:18:28.27 question but, in a home, let's say in a home somebody poses 00:18:28.30\00:18:32.51 this question to me, in a home they're trying to make the 00:18:32.54\00:18:36.44 wife function in a certain way and they don't feel the wife is 00:18:36.48\00:18:42.88 doing all the nice things what they should do to be a mother 00:18:42.92\00:18:47.09 to the children and so they're having this argument so 00:18:47.12\00:18:51.56 they stopped talking to each other and what they're doing now 00:18:51.59\00:18:54.60 is talking through the children 00:18:54.63\00:18:56.20 putting that child, but they call it they're trying to help 00:18:56.97\00:19:00.90 the child become better so that when that child grows up 00:19:00.94\00:19:05.17 when the young lady grows up to be an adult she can find 00:19:05.21\00:19:08.98 learn how to cook, learn how to do this because the wife 00:19:09.01\00:19:12.51 is not doing it. So in that way, to me that is 00:19:12.55\00:19:17.52 that husband controlling and by doing that putting that child 00:19:17.55\00:19:23.59 in the middle of the mess and don't need to put the child in 00:19:23.63\00:19:29.60 the middle of the mess, all they're trying to do 00:19:29.63\00:19:33.27 is to say you need to not be like your mother. 00:19:33.30\00:19:37.31 But you need to be this way. I don't see God that way. I see 00:19:37.34\00:19:41.14 God as dealing with us on an individual basis even within 00:19:41.18\00:19:46.68 our homes. I think God loves us so much that He says, man 00:19:46.72\00:19:50.59 I need to fix you and I'm not going to go through you 00:19:50.62\00:19:55.32 to fix you, I'm going to you directly 00:19:55.36\00:19:57.73 And that's how I think as fathers we need to deal with 00:19:57.76\00:20:02.20 the spouse directly and not going through the child 00:20:02.23\00:20:06.80 and put the child in the middle of situations 00:20:06.84\00:20:10.64 In my home my kids, my wife, my daughter is very sensitive 00:20:11.27\00:20:14.74 if we start to argue she starts to cry 00:20:16.44\00:20:19.55 all these years, she starts to cry and she would say 00:20:19.58\00:20:25.49 it's my fault. It has nothing to do with her 00:20:25.55\00:20:29.99 she thinks it's her fault. So we had to really check that 00:20:30.03\00:20:36.06 so you know what? Now we're just talking, just dialoguing 00:20:36.10\00:20:42.37 even the dialogue, even when it's passionate you know 00:20:42.40\00:20:46.27 sometimes you get that dialogue and it's passionate, you're not 00:20:46.31\00:20:48.88 arguing but she hears it and she starts to cry 00:20:48.91\00:20:52.31 she feels it's her fault. Those are the things that 00:20:52.35\00:20:54.58 damage children for a long time. 00:20:54.62\00:20:57.49 You know my parents, even as an adult, you're talking about 00:20:58.85\00:21:04.13 you know your child at home, even as an adult when my parents 00:21:04.16\00:21:08.26 get into it sometimes you want to leave the room 00:21:08.30\00:21:11.23 You're like you guys are married now actually for 30 years 00:21:12.17\00:21:16.84 and change. When is it going to stop? 00:21:16.87\00:21:21.44 When are you going to find to get along? 00:21:21.48\00:21:25.85 But then you look now, I've been married now for 12 years 00:21:25.88\00:21:29.48 and I'm repeating some of these same things and yes, no marriage 00:21:30.22\00:21:34.66 is perfect in that case. Of course you're going to have 00:21:34.69\00:21:37.56 disagreements but it's how you do it. 00:21:37.59\00:21:40.80 You know there was a, you can learn from older couples 00:21:41.23\00:21:45.30 that have been married 50 or 60 years. Not the ones just 00:21:45.33\00:21:49.54 tolerating each other but the ones that really love each other 00:21:49.57\00:21:51.97 you know there's a difference. And one, I'll never forget the 00:21:52.01\00:21:57.05 Beezers. When I was in New York, before he passed he stressed 00:21:57.08\00:22:02.12 this to me and my wife. We were just dating then and he said 00:22:02.15\00:22:06.25 never argue in front of your children, and he said never 00:22:07.49\00:22:13.03 bring down the other because when you bring the person down 00:22:13.06\00:22:16.67 you're bringing yourself down because you chose that person 00:22:16.70\00:22:20.00 we forget that whether you're married or you're just in a 00:22:21.64\00:22:26.11 dating relationship, you chose this person so technically 00:22:26.14\00:22:30.58 you're bringing yourself down. 00:22:30.61\00:22:34.42 So therefore, when you bring this, trying to insult this 00:22:34.88\00:22:38.09 person that's why you lose when you insult the other person 00:22:38.12\00:22:42.52 So there's no winning in that way. The only way to win is 00:22:42.56\00:22:45.99 uplifting the other person, uplifting them 00:22:46.03\00:22:49.10 especially in front of their children. 00:22:49.13\00:22:50.47 You know we're all gonna make mistakes. All of us we've made 00:22:50.50\00:22:53.40 mistakes as fathers, but I tell you the great way to fix it 00:22:53.44\00:22:58.74 even if you have an argument, you put the children 00:22:58.77\00:23:03.31 in the middle, don't let the sun go down on your wrath 00:23:03.35\00:23:07.32 they need to see that. They need to see at the end of the day 00:23:07.35\00:23:11.25 yes, my dad and my mom they've had their little friction and 00:23:11.29\00:23:16.93 they were sending messages through me but at the end of 00:23:16.96\00:23:20.93 the day they've come together and they're loving each other. 00:23:20.96\00:23:24.67 And they're talking to each other, they didn't let the sun 00:23:24.70\00:23:27.80 go down on their wrath. And I think that's a very important 00:23:27.84\00:23:32.01 lesson we need to teach our children, especially as fathers 00:23:32.04\00:23:36.18 it's our responsibility to call a truce, so you know what 00:23:36.21\00:23:41.12 I'm gonna back up I'm calling a truce here 00:23:41.15\00:23:43.69 because it's for the betterment of the family 00:23:43.72\00:23:46.05 Man I love what you're saying and if you don't mind me 00:23:46.09\00:23:48.22 if we could just talk like guys for a second 00:23:48.26\00:23:50.39 You know a lot of times we're not gonna be perfect of course 00:23:50.43\00:23:53.90 let's throw that out of the window we're not going to always 00:23:53.93\00:23:58.63 go to the room and have the discussion there. Sometimes 00:23:58.67\00:24:01.44 we are going to blast or have the confrontation in front 00:24:01.47\00:24:05.67 of the kids. But if you do, if you do, just like he said 00:24:05.71\00:24:11.21 don't let the sun go down on your anger you have to make up 00:24:11.25\00:24:14.82 your make up has to be big and when you're doing it in front 00:24:14.85\00:24:17.42 of your kids, I mean do it big elaborate, lift your wife up 00:24:17.45\00:24:21.99 and let everybody know she's the greatest thing kiss her all over 00:24:22.02\00:24:26.59 her face, let her know, bring her flowers, bring her whatever 00:24:26.63\00:24:29.56 make it big let your child see, Ok we made a mistake 00:24:29.60\00:24:35.00 we don't always agree but this is the woman I chose. I'm so 00:24:35.04\00:24:38.97 proud of my choice. This is your mother. She's a blessing 00:24:39.01\00:24:43.01 to me. So like you said you have to set the pace as a man 00:24:43.04\00:24:48.02 Don't let the sun go down on your anger but when you do 00:24:48.05\00:24:52.35 make things up, make it even bigger than the argument 00:24:52.39\00:24:56.62 bigger than the argument 00:24:56.66\00:24:58.59 What you show to that child is that you show that your children 00:24:58.63\00:25:02.03 that wait a minute when they get into the same situation 00:25:02.06\00:25:06.03 cause they're gonna get into that situation when they get 00:25:06.07\00:25:08.37 married, they will be in the same situation. It shows them 00:25:08.40\00:25:11.77 it models for them how to fix it 00:25:11.81\00:25:15.71 This is how you fix it, if you get into confrontation 00:25:16.68\00:25:19.88 let's make up, let's do something great 00:25:19.91\00:25:23.75 What if it's the baby momma? 00:25:23.79\00:25:26.45 What if it's an ex-wife? 00:25:26.49\00:25:28.52 Same thing, same thing. You can't bring her flowers 00:25:28.56\00:25:31.49 What's that sign you know, you know 00:25:31.53\00:25:32.96 because you do have the time especially when you don't live 00:25:32.99\00:25:37.10 with someone, you know you don't live with the mother of the 00:25:37.13\00:25:40.74 child, when you interact with that person remember this is 00:25:40.77\00:25:46.01 still the child's mother right? And this was the choice you made 00:25:46.04\00:25:50.68 the child never had a part in this decision. This was a choice 00:25:50.71\00:25:55.05 you made, you still gotta lift them up. You may not agree 00:25:55.08\00:25:58.09 with what they say. That's right, that's right 00:25:58.12\00:26:00.52 But you have to be the man of God, after God's own heart 00:26:00.56\00:26:05.33 and lift them up. You mentioned it earlier about how God 00:26:05.36\00:26:09.90 interacts between Satan and us and how we are in the middle 00:26:09.93\00:26:14.44 notice how God talks even about Satan. He points out, yes 00:26:14.47\00:26:18.71 he's the deceiver, he's the liar but He doesn't break him down 00:26:18.74\00:26:23.55 He doesn't, oh he did this to me when he has in heaven 00:26:23.58\00:26:26.88 this is what he did. He doesn't do that. 00:26:26.92\00:26:30.82 He lets you know, hey he's a deceiver but I have a better way 00:26:30.85\00:26:35.16 Look at me. But rather look at how Satan does it 00:26:35.19\00:26:37.99 Satan brings God down. His thing is to bring down so that 00:26:38.03\00:26:42.76 bring down attitude is that of Satan. 00:26:42.80\00:26:45.57 Man that was awesome. I just, we ran out of time 00:26:45.60\00:26:49.70 I want to pick this up though, I really do because 00:26:49.74\00:26:52.11 we have a lot of good things to talk about and definitely 00:26:52.14\00:26:55.14 some things to expound upon cause this just gets deeper 00:26:55.18\00:26:58.18 and deeper every time. So as you know there are no easy answers 00:26:58.21\00:27:02.68 there is no easy Yes, nothing easy at all 00:27:02.72\00:27:06.76 for being a father is hard especially if your child is 00:27:06.79\00:27:10.66 caught in the middle. But as men of God we're called to be 00:27:10.69\00:27:14.30 better, to rise above, to take our children, to protect 00:27:14.33\00:27:17.77 our children by any means necessary. 00:27:17.80\00:27:20.24 So please, if you're a man and right now you're caught in a 00:27:20.84\00:27:24.54 argument and your child's caught in the middle 00:27:24.57\00:27:26.34 pray and rise above. Please protect your child 00:27:26.37\00:27:30.58 Thank you for watching, I want to see you again 00:27:30.61\00:27:33.38 until the next time. 00:27:33.42\00:27:35.65